Parenting your parents

[HappyMommy2]

At what point do you take over the decisions for your parents?

How many bad decisions do they have to make before you tell them that they are no longer capable of taking care of themselves? How bad to the repercussions have to be before you take over the parenting role, and parent your parent??

[lolar2]

Honestly, this is a legal question and the answer varies by state.

[HappyMommy2]

I'm not asking about legal aspects. Once it is a legal question, it is a no-brainer. If it is legally possible to declare them incapacitated, then obviously you take over. You are talking about the point at the end of a difficult journey.

I'm talking about the long period of time in between the parent being a responsible adult, and then the slow downslide where it is getting bad, and worse, and then eventually becomes clearly incapacitated. Lots of emotional and financial hardships can occur during this slow slide.

Does that make sense? Am I explaining the difference that I am asking about?

[Chicky2]

I understand the difference. Our situation has been a bit different, though, because my MIL was "certifiable"--physically and mentally handicapped, but was able to do things for a long time by herself.

One day when the police pulled her over and called my husband they said not to ever let her drive again. That was an easy decision. As for her finances and all that--that was harder. The day that we found out that she had screwed my dh's credit was the day we took over. And then built her a little house next to ours and she lived here until this past July when she passed.

I'm sorry you are facing this. It is so hard to figure out when the best time is to 'put your foot down' with your parents. Do you feel like going into more detail?

[LynnS6]

It's hard to say. Since they're legally adults, and not legally incompetent, it's a fine line. You can say "Dad, I don't want you to drive." but will he do it? My sister and I basically did that this summer when my parents came to visit. He's 86 and OK driving at home (though it worries me), but we didn't want him driving long distances in unfamiliar cities.

I think if the decisions are bad enough to compromise their health majorly or lose their home, then you try to step in. But it might help to step in before then and say "I'm worried about how things are going. Can we do some of this together?"

[meemee]

are your parents at that place or is this a hypothetical question?

i have known families where this wasnt the case.

i have known families where the children have all gotten together and had a family meeting fo what to do.

with my neighbours their kids visited every weekend and watched and stepped in whenever they saw something off and started taking over slowly. they did it in a respectful way so the parent didnt feel their independence was taken away.

however if you gave some specifics i would have a better answer. i am not quite sure what you mean without a specific example.

[lolar2]

If you don't mean legally, then you can TELL your parents that you will make decisions for them whenever you think you should; but unless you can get them to sign Power of Attorney papers, telling them won't necessarily do much good.

[berry987]

I'm there with my parents. It's very hard. My parents are 67 years old - young, really, but my dad has early-stage Alzheimer's and my mom had a car accident (and head injury) 9 years ago that makes her memory and problem solving skills bad. They live in our childhood home, go through the motions like they are normal, functioning adults, but they've completely screwed up their finances, drink way too much, need guidance for so many things (like with their TV, internet, cars, prescriptions, everything), and just generally need us to orchestrate their lives.

My dad is at a 30 day rehab center right now for alcoholism and severe depression (suicidal). We told him he had to go and told my mom there was no other option. She is on board now, but it wasn't easy. My sister already handles their finances, although she hasn't gone as far as limiting their access to their accounts yet...that will probably happen eventually.

We never sat down and said we were taking over, but we've slowly worked our way in to "help" them and eventually started taking care of things.

In your parents' case...does one of them have an illness that makes them incapable or have they always been that way? Hugs to you....it's a very hard place to be.

[velochic]

My mom lives with us. We've had our conflicts in the past. Probably the best lesson I have learned, and this is in NO way disrespectful to our parents, is that AP works for all ages. Gently guide decisions respectfully, keeping in mind what they want while being aware of what they truly need.

Parenting parents, after all, is not really different than parenting children. Foremost there must be respect.

[sewchris2642]

For us, my mil made a lot of those decisions before she got to the point where her sons had to make those decisions. When my fil died, 18 years ago, she put her youngest son on her checking account and paid off all her bills including the mortage on the house. Both dh and his brother were made trustees of her estate and she put everything into a trust. We did move from 45 minutes away from her to 10 minutes away. 15 years ago, she gave up driving and sold her car. The last 2 years, we took over her daily care but without living with her. Dh made her breakfast before he went to work. He worked a split shift so he could spend the middle of the day (11-2) with her. He made her lunch, did the housework and laundry, and drove her places. I took her dinner and sat with her for a while at night (6-8). She was in her right mind until the last 3-4 weeks. The last 3 weeks of her life we had to put her into a nursing home. The first day, she wouldn't talk to us but by the 2nd day, she realized that it was permanent and that she could no longer live at home. She was 2 weeks in one place to get evaluated and 1 week in what was supposed to be her new home when she died in her sleep. She died the day before Mother's Day. She was 2 months short of her 84th birthday. She did get her wish to stay in her own home almost up to the end. It created a lot of stress on her family but we are glad that she got to do that.

My mom has other plans. She plans on going into a retirement home if she and dad can no longer live on their own. Or if dad dies first. Right now, they live in a retirement house built behind my sister's house on the same property. She has no intention of being a burden (her words) on her children. She is 79 and my dad is 82. They both still drive although mom only drives in town. They just came back from a road trip to Iowa (they live on the other side of town from us in San Diego county)

[GuildJenn]

There's a really good book up here that maybe you can get down there called Our Turn to Parent that addresses a lot of these issues head-on in a really pragmatic way. I interviewed the authors and dug up this quote for you:

"It helps to keep that goal in mind [dignity]; you're not just treating them as if they're children and you're making the decision. You're working with them… you want to be a champion and advocate and offer advice rather than imposing it on them."

For the driving example, if I remember right they talk about getting the family doctor involved. I'm pretty sure there's a chapter on money.

It has been a while since I read it but as I remember it it kind of had the same tone as Ellyn Satter on food - there are some things you can control: That you communicate your concerns and share your observations; that you seek and offer help; that you consult with family and experts. But there are some things you cannot control too... and it is hard because of course we want to protect our aging parents, or to keep them functioning the way we think they should.

Some other resources are caregiver.org - there are some neat articles there in the fact sheets on tips on caregiving, etc. although they may sort of be next stage.

I get it, even though we're in really early stages. My dad is not a great driver any more but he's not quite at the stage where I would feel I had to report him. There is a grey area in between and it is hard to know how to address it or what to do. Recent my parents were involved in a contract where I felt they were being taken advantage of - again, it's subjective and kind of their business, but I felt if they were on their game, so to speak, they wouldn't have been in that position.

[GuildJenn]

Oh and I wanted to add that one thing I've learned is that it is a continuum. We have a cultural script that one day you kind of swoop in and take over.

But for most families it's way more gradual - it starts with taking someone on a shopping trip more regularly, starting to ask questions about unpaid bills you see on the counter - that kind of thing.

[HappyMommy2]

Your personal experiences are REALLY helpful, mamas. Thank you so much. Keep them coming!