Telling Family and Friends

[Sam*]

How did you tell your family and friends you were going to HB? I have to be honest I will be the first in many many generations to try anything natural. My whole family works for a hospital. Im already the black sheep, but I dont want to hear crap about my choice either. As far as dh's side goes I will let him handle it. Luckily for us we live hours and hours away from all of them

Just currious how your circle took the news.

[ARG2003]

My sister- very medical minded research nurse. She said, when I told her I was pregnant that she wanted o be "in the delivery room." I told her she was standing in it (she was in my family room at the time). I said I was planning a homebirth. She took the standard gasp of air and worried abotu what if something happened, etc. I told here there were backup plans etc. I also told her I very much want her at this birth, but I want her to be 100% comfortable with it. I sent her excerpts from "Brithin from Within" had her watch "Business of being Born" and she came to my last midwife visit. She is very comfortable with it now. Of course, that story is different because I really want her at the birth so it isn't ok jsut to tell her and that's it. She needed to be on board.

My parents- Told them. My stepmother said, "Wow. I couldn't do that myself." But she never openly judges me for anything I choose anymore. My dad was like- ok.

ILs- We sort of roundabout talked about the problems with hospitals and said we were going with midwives this time. They were totally cool with that. As the weekend progressed, we dropped comments about it being a home birth and not just midwives for care. BY then they were so convinced midwives were the way to go that they didn't bat an eye. They are in their 70's, though and they may have assumed midwife= home birth. I don't know. We are older (almost 40) so I guess our parents don't judge as much.

I am a doctorate degreed medical professional, so maybe they assumed I knew my stuff or IDK. It went a lot smoother than I thought. Maybe because I also don't give a poo what they think.

[msmiranda]

We told them after the birth. I knew my mom would worry about me if I told her beforehand, and later she thanked me for not telling her until after. I would say that neither my parents nor my in-laws were especially judgmental after the fact -- I don't think they agreed with our choice but they would never say so outright -- but I still didn't want to take the chance of any negativity coming into my mental space. We have the same situation where all family lives hours away. If you think that anyone will try to guilt you or talk you out of it, just don't tell. It saved me a lot of stress.

[Twinklefae]

I said "We're hoping to get in with the midwives and have a homebirth." It helps that the gov't pays now - hard to argue with that!

[MegBoz]

My sister finds birth interesting & is totally very supportive of my HB plans. A few of my friends have HBed, or considered it, or have other friends who have HBed - and I've talked about it since DS was born 2 years ago, so it's basically a given. They're all either supportive or quiet because they know I'll slaughter them in a debate.

DH & I don't plan to tell our parents. I made some pro-HB comments after DS was born naturally in a hospital (Labor went so fast, I had the urge to push before we even left the house!) My mom said, "I don't know about that." in a 'Whooaa! Just hold your horses there, that's a little risky' tone of voice.

I said, "Actually, it's safe! One-third of all babies in The Netherlands are born at home!"
She replies, "But still...."

My dad actually laughed at her & made a comment like, "Science be damned, huh?!"

That was the end of the discussion, but I thought it was interesting that my dad, that quickly, realized she was making judgments that ignored science. & strange too, because my Mom is a really logical, rational & intelligent person - so that is not like her.

But then I realized - she's being emotional because this is Grandchildren we're talking about! I understand that she's being emotional when it comes to her grandkids.

Ya know, I probably could convince her of the safety if I put enough effort into it- and I haven't 100% made up my mind that I won't fess up. (I'm only 11 W.)

BUT - what concerns me the most is if I transfer. Whether or not she'll come out & say it, she may imply, "THANK GOD YOU TRANSFERRED! Oh what would have happened if you'd stayed home?!" [I can't believe you even tried to stay home in the first place!] Baby could have died!

Uh, yeah, I don't need that. Transferring has to be upsetting enough in the first place. I just don't need to feel like they are proven "right" and I"m proven "wrong" & therefore it was silly of me to even have tried to birth at home in the first place. I just don't need that aggravation & stress & headache & upset. I just don't need it.

MIL on the other hand might be convinced of the safety issue. She's not too into reading, but if I threw a bunch of stats at her, she could be swayed. However, she can be a bit of a drama queen and I can almost guarantee she would actually say out loud, "THANK GOD YOU TRANSFERRED! Oh what would have happened if you'd stayed home?!" She wouldn't say it to be spiteful, hurtful, or rub our noses in the fact that we were wrong - she'd just be thinking it so she'd spit it out.

Again, I just don't need that weighing on me, so I'd rather keep it quiet.

[lyterae]

I didn't say anything until directly asked where I was going to birth at... There is a lot of "oh no!" and head shaking with mutterings of hoping that everything goes "okay".

[Mama Metis]

A couple of friends in my circle have used this: "We will be using a midwife. When I go into labor, she will come to the house to help us decide when it's time to go to the hospital. If all is proceeding well, we may decide to stay at home for the birth."

This is pretty darn close to the truth, and for some reason seems to be a lot better received than "we're planning a homebirth."

ETA: There is the added benefit of not having to get an earfull if a transfer does happen.

[Sam*]

Originally Posted by Mama Metis

A couple of friends in my circle have used this: "We will be using a midwife. When I go into labor, she will come to the house to help us decide when it's time to go to the hospital. If all is proceeding well, we may decide to stay at home for the birth."

This is pretty darn close to the truth, and for some reason seems to be a lot better received than "we're planning a homebirth."

ETA: There is the added benefit of not having to get an earfull if a transfer does happen.

Oh I like this alot!

[Pippi L.]

We just casually mentioned it in conversation like it was no big deal. Our families are the kind of people, though, who would never freak out to our faces. They may have discussed it amongst themselves but they never said anything to us. My mom and sister were big homebirth supporters by the end.

The best comment was from my BIL who is in medical school now: "What about the dangers of not having an epidural?!" My husband and I just laughed. What? It might hurt?

[treeoflife3]

Well, I'm not pregnant yet but my whole family already knows what I want because I've been talking about it since my last pregnancy. Spiritual midwifery, business of being born, and guide to childbirth are all things my family has at least heard about briefly in passing, if not actually SHOWN.

It helps that my mom attended all the birthing classes and was my birth partner for my kiddo (husband was deployed and couldn't do it) so she already knows all the good stuff from intelligent midwives. My grandma LOVES the idea of homebirth and talks ALL THE TIME about how her and all her siblings were born at home and talks about a baby she knew many many years ago who was born super premature (I can't remember the exact week, but it was early even for today's technology on supporting preemies) but was born at home and kept alive at home, no hospital.

The rest of my little family isn't on board the way they are (and they are the closest/most important) but they couldn't care less. They know I'm smart enough to make decisions based on safety and health rather than on just a fad or anything else someone might bring up against hombirthing so they just don't care.

As for my husband's family... we only really talk to his mom and his sister. Anything his mom says is irrelevant anyway and his sister is in new zealand so

[FillingMyQuiver]

I'm very fortunate that my parents know a large family who has had multiple HBs, in fact, my mom was present for 2 of them. So the whole idea of HB wasn't new to my parents and was actually something my mom was very supportive of when I talked to her about while pg w/ #2. My dad was just concerned about the safety and making sure his daughter was okay.

My ILs... well, they're a different story. DH told FIL I was having a HB after we decided on a MW team @ 20wks. FIL, who's 2nd wife had elective c-sections b/c when pg w/ #1, the OB told her the baby was "too big to fit" and then had a repeat c-section for #2 b/c "why would you do a anything else??", he was quite objectionable to the whole HB concept. We didn't have insurance at the time and he really thought we were going w/ a HB to avoid a hospital bill. As a matter of fact, when I got pg w/ #3 and DH got a job w/ insurance 1 month before my EDD, FIL told DH, "now you don't have to have a HB, insurance will cover the birth" With my first HB, we moved out of state at around 30 weeks and found a new MW, so we didn't have to deal w/ FIL b/c we were 300 miles from him Now he's in FL and we're in VA, so I *really* don't have to deal w/ him. DH has been really good about pointing out that this is what *I* need and where I birth best.

MIL was receptive to the HB talk, but she's very non-judgmental. She's an anxious person and just wanted to make sure what we were doing was safe and that we were taking all the necessary precautions.

ETA~ My first HB was at my parents' house b/c we were living there temporarily. My Dad was fine w/ it by this point, especially after I had him meet the MW and ask any questions he may have had, like "how does he disinfect the house right before my birth, y'know, like the hospital"

[CoopersMommy0308]

My mother and grandmother know. While my mom is somewhat concerned she also knows that it's not open for discussion. My grandma said "rock on!" lol

My IL's know. The ONLY reason my IL's know is b/c they are on my facebook and see me post articles and info about our pre-natals all the time... otherwise we would not have told them. Honestly, they've never even asked about it!! So I'm GUESSING they know it's not open for discussion. Their friend was asking me about it at a family BBQ, it's the only way we know that they know for sure lol. Their friend seemed pretty cool about it - saying that she had a natural birth in a hospital and "why not do it at home?!" So that was cool. Hopefully she's buffering all the crap they're hearing on the news. (FIL is a huge news buff).

As for everyone else in the family, our birth announcements will be pictures of the homebirth (or very shortly after when I'm covered again but laying in bed probably lol) and will say something to the effect of "Welcomed warmly and happily at home".

I personally don't see how it's anyone's business where I give birth. My birth, my baby, my body, my choice. Even my DH knows that.

[NortheastSuperstar]

I'm 28 weeks now, and it hasn't come up in conversation so I assume they don't know yet. They know I have a midwife, but I used a hospital based midwife practice for my last two births which were in a hospital, so they may assume it's the same.

My mom called and asked if I had any 'tests' lately and I told her no, nothing to report, all is well. So she starts making these comments about "doing it like the old days" and "well, do you at least feel it moving around in there?" I think she might be a bit weirded out by the home thing at first. She bragged and bragged to all that would listen about how I gave birth with no meds to my last two who were 9.5lbs each, so she'll end up with another story to tell I guess

If anyone gives me crap about it, the conversation's SO over. Some people have their mind made up and I'm not going to get into it with them. Some people are genuinely like "is that safe??" and are open to talking about it. It will be interesting what they say when/if they find out before the birth.

[ARG2003]

Originally Posted by Mama Metis

A couple of friends in my circle have used this: "We will be using a midwife. When I go into labor, she will come to the house to help us decide when it's time to go to the hospital. If all is proceeding well, we may decide to stay at home for the birth."

This is pretty darn close to the truth, and for some reason seems to be a lot better received than "we're planning a homebirth."

ETA: There is the added benefit of not having to get an earfull if a transfer does happen.

Brilliant!

[goldenwillow]

Originally Posted by Mama Metis

A couple of friends in my circle have used this: "We will be using a midwife. When I go into labor, she will come to the house to help us decide when it's time to go to the hospital. If all is proceeding well, we may decide to stay at home for the birth."

Fantastic!!

I told our families and they thought I was just doing what I do... not the norm. BLAH!

My Mom and DP's Mom wanted to be there too. NO WAY!! We just called the AM our Son was born and said "Wanna come meet your Grandson?".

Most folks assume you will be in the hospital, so let them assume that until it is time to visit!

[donutmolly]

My Dh needed to anounce the fact we were having a HB to everyone we met -- which was not my choice because I didn't want to deal with the comments. But as to our families, we didn't really tell them. We didn't hide the fact, but we didn't enter into any discussions with them about our choice.

Except for my mom, who pushed the issue, and had some valid fears (based on bad outcome of a neighbor's homebirth -- which my mw was able to dispel)... after that, she was willing to read Ina May, Pushed, and watch the BBB -- now she's not an advocate, but at least supportive. Which was more than I expected.

[ERue]

Originally Posted by Mama Metis

A couple of friends in my circle have used this: "We will be using a midwife. When I go into labor, she will come to the house to help us decide when it's time to go to the hospital. If all is proceeding well, we may decide to stay at home for the birth."

This is pretty darn close to the truth, and for some reason seems to be a lot better received than "we're planning a homebirth."

ETA: There is the added benefit of not having to get an earfull if a transfer does happen.

Wow, this is great! I will probably be using that.
The only person I have actually told is my SIL, and she's pretty nonjudgmental anyway. She said that it was great for me, she just probably couldn't do it. I didn't really mind that response.
I'm not really sure when we're going to tell everyone else.

[NorthernPixie]

My family is already on board with home birth - thanks sis for clearing the way - and when we told the ILs, who are split up and remarried, we sent an email (our usual method of communication) that went something like this:

We are planning a home birth for this baby. We have researched our options and feel that this is the best choice for us. We welcome any questions you may have about our choice or the safety of home birth, but we do not welcome negativity of any kind.

I wasn't sure what to expect. We heard not one word (and still haven't - I'm due in a week) from MIL and her husband, nor either SIL. Not a question about how it works, what's the plan, etc. From FIL and his wife - the most touching email I could have imagined, sharing his complete confidence in any decision we make as intelligent, well educated people.

With friends, it's not a surprise to them as to what I'm planning. If they seem interested, I'll explain, and attempt not to come across in any way judgmental about their choices. I phrase it as a 'this is best for me/us' kind of thing. So far so good.

I refuse to argue with people who aren't educated about it. A knee-jerk reaction is kind of expected as it's what's been drilled into the vast majority of people. So if someone wants to read or research and then have a conversation with me, great. If not, not a conversation I'm going to have with you. Please pass the bean dip!

[HappyMommy2]

Don't tell them!!!! I only told my mom and 2 HBing girlfriends beforehand. My hubby shouted from the rooftops after the fact!

You don't need their negativity.

[AmaraMonillas]

The closest thing I have gotten to a negativity was my mil's horrified expression (which she quickly wiped from her face) when I said we are having a hb... but it didn't bother me, I think I actually laughed. Everyone close to me knows I want to be a hb midwife so it's not a new idea, she just hadn't put it all together yet.
Home birth is still kind of a foreign idea to lots of people I know, but no one has made negative comments. I think they all know I know way more about birth (I'm a doula and am pretty familiar with the medical world) and challenging me would be stupid. It might also help that seattle is open to alternative medicine in general.