Do your parents support your decision to use GD?

[Free Thinker]

I was at my parents today. They seem to think I'm a bit nutty anyway, but their comments really ticked me off. When showing my dds new trick "Give me 5" My dad replies "do you ever get 5 on the butt... that's a spankin' " I said NO, she does not get spankings, we try to redirect her attention when she's getting into trouble. My Dad and mom both start in how I'm going to ruin my child by not spanking. The Bible says to spank... we spanked you and you are fine... How will she learn limits...

I just listen and then say politely that it's my child and I will discipline how I see fit. They also badmouthed my new bed I just go this week (a new King sized bed! I'm so excited ) "You wouldn't need a new bed if you made your child sleep in her own bed." Now, I put my DD to sleep in her crib and then she gets in bed w/ me in the morning for a snack and then a little more sleep. I like it this way!

Also, I have an aunt and uncle who used lots of AP things. They have always been my FAVORITE aunt and uncle! My parents even bad mouthed how they raised thier kids. Now, I happen to think that these are very well adjusted and fantastic kids! My dads words "I'll bet you don't smack her hand when she reaches for something she's not supposed to have either" Me "no" Dad: "well, we will see how long that lasts. That Dr Spock was the one who started all that and he didn't even have kids and on his deathbed admited he was wrong" Me "well, I haven't read anything by Dr. Spock. There are new ideas about discipline now."

Who is the Dr. Spock??? Anywho, what do you say to your parents. You can probably guess from my post that I'm pretty ticked. It's not that coherant. Sorry about that, I'm rambling. Do you just listen to this? Do you try to educate them. I seriously doubt it would do any good.


Thanks for any advice. (oh, and tell me I'm doin the right thing and my DD will not be a brat!)

[mountain mom]

Your dd is and will be the most amazing person because she has a mother that respects her!!!

I get the same resistence from my Mom and Dad. I was telling my Mom how my dd had a major upset at the local food store. She fell on the ground and cried and screamed. My Mom interjected in the conservation to say " I hope you grabbed her by the hand and dragged her out of the store". I had to say are you joking because I truly thought she was. I continued to explain how I handled the situation by helping my dd calm down and regain her composure. Wow.

Follow your instinct. My one MIL actually told me that she feels that the way I and my dh parent and talk to dd is much more appropriate and effective than the way she raised her kids. Again Wow.

Hugs to you Mama you are a special person.

[mountain mom]

And I forgot to add. What do I say to my parents? Actually nothing. I just explain how I do things...if they ask why then I tell them but I just go by results. They will see how effective GD is in the years to come.

[ParkersMama]

Well, we don't live near either my parents or DH's, and I think this has saved us from these kind of battles, though it would be nice to have the closeness : ... anytime a difference has come up and been pointed out, I simply say that I disagree with that, and ask them not to do it themselves with my child.

[ja mama]

My Mom always had the perspective that spanking was overused, but still a necessary tool. Until I whipped out my new favorite saying. If I hit you, it's battery, if I pick something up and hit you, or close my hand and hit you, it's assault. (I actually need to verify that, but it's what I said to her, even if it's incorrect), If a husband hits his wife it's domestic abuse, domestic violence, or wife beating, if a kid in school hits another kid, it's called being a bully and they'll get expelled. But if a parent hits a small, innocent, defenseless child 1/4 to 1/10th of his weight it's called discipline? It doesn't teach the child what they should do the next time, it teaches them that Mom is unreliable in her providing protection from pain. And it teaches them not to get caught.

As for the bible reference, search for it in this forum. It's been gone over before.

You are absolutely doing the best thing for your child by not spanking. Actual teaching when they do or say something inappropriate, will be far more rewarding for you and your child. Even if you talk the same lesson over 88 times until they learn what to do, they'll learn. And they'll know Mommy loves them enough to teach them, not just hit them if they don't do what Mommy says.

Our goal as parents is to get our children ready to be independant adults. How does spanking fit in to that long term goal? We have to show them how to live life respectfully. Not spank them in to submission, and turn them loose at 18, not having given them the time and effort to teach them how to be productive members of society.

My Mom now is totally in support of my decisions. How could she not be? I'd just keep steam rolling her in kindness until she realized gentleness works with adult relations too.:LOL

[Shantimama]

No, but I don't sweat it anymore. My in-laws criticize the family bed, how long I breeastfed, the cloth diapers, the kind of food we eat, homeschooling, gentle discipline - BUT they like our kids and are always commenting on their intelligence and maturity..........they just think it is in spite of, not because of our AP choices. Whatever. I can let them save face this way. Maybe someday they will say something nice to me, maybe not. I am in this to raise my children as well as I can, not get strokes from my in-laws. As much as I would like their affirmation and support I have learned I can live just fine without it.

[pageta]

I am sure you love your parents, so forgive me if I step on a nerve here, but the way they are treating you is just one more example IMO of why that kind of child rearing is wrong. They're being harsh and judgmental, and obviously it's doing a number on you. Is their behavior making you feel closer to them and increasing that bond or is it straining the relationship? I would say that any of their parenting suggestions if practiced by you would have that same negative effect on your children.

I would do my best to avoid the issue, if I were in your shoes, and I would also make it a point to shut down the conversation any time that it did come up. It doesn't sound like they have anything worthwhile to say on the topic of parenting so there is no reason why you should feel obligated to listen to it.

I know that's a hard thing to do, because we love our parents in spite of their faults, and we want to respect them, so the natural instinct is to want to listen to them. You may feel like you are standing alone, as though you'd be better off if your parents were dead. I've been there, done that. But I've found that if I focus on the positives and avoid and downplay the negatives, I can have a workable relationship and not be fuming all the time on account of things they say or do. Believe me, I feel your pain, but I also commend you for doing what you think is best for your children.

Hang in there - it's so worth it!

[Justice2]

It's amazing, absolutely amazing (in my family's eyes) that my son is 13 months old and has never been hit. EVERYTIME we go to my mother's house Kaeleb wants to grab nicknacks...well, I either redirect his attention or remove the object. Well, she tells me everytime that "I never moved anything..I just popped your hand and you listened" Ug, gets on my damn nerves!

[MamaBug]

No my parents do not agree at all with how we treat our sons. I told my mother that this is what works for us, she had her chance with me and well........look how that worked out, nothing but anger towards her for how bad she treated me. I tell her that I want my boys to look back on their childhoods and say " Wow mom and dad were so wonderful, they really loved us!" Not thinking what I think about her. This usually shuts her up

[mountain mom]

Originally posted by Justice2
It's amazing, absolutely amazing (in my family's eyes) that my son is 13 months old and has never been hit. EVERYTIME we go to my mother's house Kaeleb wants to grab nicknacks...well, I either redirect his attention or remove the object. Well, she tells me everytime that "I never moved anything..I just popped your hand and you listened" Ug, gets on my damn nerves!

My Mom always says that we never touched anything that we weren't supposed to, that she just had to yell once

[Divaostrich]

Originally posted by Shantimama
My in-laws criticize the family bed, how long I breeastfed, the cloth diapers, the kind of food we eat, homeschooling, gentle discipline - BUT they like our kids and are always commenting on their intelligence and maturity..........they just think it is in spite of, not because of our AP choices.

Yeah, my parents are this way too. They comment on how my Dd is just laid back and good natured. I don't think they'd have anything to criticize if I had ignored her needs. They don't give te AP choices the credit it deserves.

[captain optimism]

Dr. Benjamin Spock was the favorite childrearing expert of the mid-20th century. Here is an obituary, from when he died in 1998. He was not absolutely anti-spanking but was the most popular of several public advocates of developmentally-savvy parenting. Many conservatives hated him because he came out against the Vietnam War and said that he was personally responsible for the hippie generation because his parenting advice was too permissive. I think he's a more complex figure. Some folks here accuse him of being anti-AP--he was definitely not in favor of family bed-- but he was in favor of breastfeeding and his most famous book, Your Baby and Child, began with an admonition to mothers to trust themselves. My mom learned to breastfeed from her copy of Dr. Spock, and I was therefore a breastfed baby.

Dr. Spock did have two children, as you see from the obit. They seem to have been reasonably well-adjusted. I think I read somewhere that they described him as a distant father! Yes, here is a book review of a biography of Spock that makes that assertion.

Here is one of his last interviews. He was a kind person, at least in public. There is still a Dr. Spock "label"--a website that uses his name, DrSpock.com

If your parents are anti-Spock, they'd probably faint if they actually understood Attachment Parenting.

[sunnmama]

My mom is a puzzle, really. She theoretically supports my parenting choices (although they are different from her own). She brags on her kind, loving, well-disciplined (albeit with a quick and feisty temper) grand-daughter who she adores and enjoys spending time with. And she even teaches ME some "gd" methods that she learns about in workshops for the childcare center at which she works.

But then, when I am having a REALLY tough week with dd, and I call to vent (honestly, not to ask advice....but I understand the impulse to offer it), she says "Just smack her once. Just once!"

End of conversation. End of trust in being able to run to my mom when I am struggling

[captain optimism]

To answer your main question: my parents do support GD, at least in theory. Though my dad said he thought it was okay to potch (that's Yiddish for swat!) in the case that that a toddler did something really dangerous, like going in the street. My dad has conveniently forgotten that I got more than just a potch in tuchiss. The context was my grandmother reminiscing that her younger sister had looked at her dad with offended dignity the one time he potched her.

Anyway, I said "there will be no potching here." I don't need my child to feel like his dignity is offended! I also don't think that scaring him with violence is the way to get him to stay out of the street. So they know, "no potching." Not that THEY would ever potch the baby. Oh, no--their role is to kiss him and to indulge him with stories and play.