Not sure how to handle death on husbands side

[whoami]

My fiancés grandmas second husband passed away about a month ago. Her first husband passed away 15 years ago so I imagine this is rough for her. My fiancé has called her, but only once and he doesn’t handle death well either so the call was awkward for him. I feel like I should call her, and have been meaning to since he passed away, but I don’t really know what to say. Nobody close to me has died so I’ve never had to deal with this.

If it was my own grandpa that passed, surely I'd have called my grandma by now, but I don't think I'd really know what to say either and can't even imagine it. If the situation was reversed I don't think my family would expect my fiancé to make a call to check in on my grandma, so in a way I feel his family isn’t expecting me to call either. But then I start to wonder if maybe expectations are different for women?

I don’t want his grandma, or family thinking I'm a thoughtless person for not calling to express my condolences, and so now I'm wondering if it's been wrong of me to have not even called or e-mailed during after all this time. I really just don’t know what to do in this situation because nobody I know has passed away, so I just do nothing. If I’d only met them a couple times I wouldn’t really think it necessary to call, but they’ve visited for 3 months out of the year for the past 10 we’ve been together and I have gotten to know them relatively well.

What should I do? Do I just call and just let whatever come out, or stay mum?

[crunchy_mommy]

If you've talked to her on the phone regularly, then I'd call her & just say something simple -- and let her lead the way if she wants to talk more.

If you don't really feel comfortable doing that, send a nice email or a card, maybe even a care package.

I think a month after a death, everybody else has kind of moved on but the people closest to the deceased are still really grieving & would appreciate someone thinking of them.

[whoami]

We've never talked regularly when she's back home, maybe once a month or two. I think I could build up the courage to call and maybe start by saying we've been thinking of her, and then ask how she's doing. I like the care package idea, but what would be appropriate to put inside?

[crunchy_mommy]

Hmm maybe some kind of special snack (cookies or whatever you think she'd like) or a candle... if you have any memorabilia related to her husband that would be meaningful to her, you could include that (or if you have nothing of his, and say he liked to fish, you could include some small symbolic fishing thing like a knick-knack or whatever). If you or she are religious, prayer cards or something... A 'Chicken Soup for the Soul' type of book... Maybe a gift card to a restaurant or spa or meal service or something near her... (Obviously you don't have to include any or all of those, just ideas)

[mamalisa]

Send a card today, if nothing else. It will let her know you're thinking of her, without the awkwardness of a phone call.

[whoami]

I could really get consumed trying to put together a care package and my perfectionsm would cause me to not get it out in the next few days. Other thank polka dancing together, and him reading the wall street journal everyday and drinking coffee, I don't really know what his interests are. She lives in a small town and there's no spa services of major restaurants to get gift cards too either. She's very involved in f4 and is an avid quilter. Maybe tonight I'll head out and try and find a blue mountain card, their cards always seem to pull the words right out of my mouth. I think she'd appreciate that at the very least.