Crying at bedtime and guilt.

[norcalimama]

So I have a 10-month old DD who has never been a good sleeper. She's had a 6-hour+ sleep stretch maybe a dozen times in her life, and usually she wakes up 2-3x/night, sometimes more. She's always been BF'd and I know that means more wake-ups but I'm at my wits end.

I really wanted the co-sleeping thing to work out. We started at 2 weeks, but I've had insomnia for years to begin with, and with her in our bed, I also quickly realized what a light sleeper I am. I got virtually NO sleep with her in bed with us. I tried to push through it, but finally at 6 1/2 months, we switched to a side-car arrangement with her crib. That worked for a while, but then she became mobile and she'd just crawl out of it. I was always worried when I put her down for naps that she'd wake up and crawl right of the edge of the bed. So we put the side on the crib. It took a while to get her used to it, but she did...for a while. Her wakeups went down to 1 or 2; once she slept 8 straight hours. But over the last month it's back fired and she's waking up more than ever.

We've never made DD fall asleep on her own. She's nursed, walked, rocked or sung to sleep. And that would be ok by me if we weren't having to do it multiple times per night. And tonight, well, tonight my husband and I tried three times each to put her down. And by that I mean we did our usual, rocking her, walking with her, etc., until she was asleep. We were able to put her down every time, but within 2 minutes she was awake and crying. The last time, I sat with her until she fell asleep but when I went to leave, she woke up again. I was so frustrated at that point, I picked her up, kissed her, told her goodnight and left the room. She was crying as I left and my heart was breaking. But I didn't know what to do. My husband was in the front room so I went outside and left him to take care of her. Ten minutes later, she was asleep. My husband said he'd gone in twice to check on her and comfort her, but she ended up falling asleep by herself. The fact that it only took 10 minutes gives me some comfort but I feel terrible. Everyone, my husband, my family, tells me I shouldn't. I know that my DD's life isn't ruined, she isn't damaged, but I always said I'd never let it come to that.

That all said, I also never thought I'd be so exhausted I can hardly function some days. I'm irritated all the time. I hardly let my dogs out of the kitchen because I just don't want to deal with them. I scream at other people on the road. Some days I feel like driving into a pole, because at least then I'd be in the hospital and I could sleep. My husband and I have communication issues to begin with and now we can't even have a conversation about DD without it turning into a fight. I think about leaving all the time, as if taking DD somewhere new, by myself, might make things easier, which I know in my head isn't true. I feel like I'm going crazy, barely existing. Sometimes I even feel a little resentful of her. She's 10 months old and I feel like I should have enjoyed her infancy more than I have, but instead i'm just doing what I have to do just to get by.

Believe me, I wanted to do the whole warm and gentle AP thing. I didn't let her cry at all for the first months of her life, not even for a minute if I could help it. But I'm at a point of desperation. I don't have family nearby to help. So do I go on like I am until DD figures things out on her own? Or do I do what I have to do to get some sleep so that hopefully I can start feeling at least somewhat human again?

I feel bad for letting things come to what they did tonight, but how terrible would I feel if I ended up in a car accident with her in the back seat? I'm just so torn. Is it more detrimental for her to cry at bedtime, or for her to have a mom who is barely functioning? Or to have parents who are at each others throats all the time?

It's easy to say that we should let a baby do things in their own time, that we should just deal with the sleep deprivation because it's better for her than pushing independence too early. I've even heard people equate letting a baby cry at all with child abuse (a bit extreme IMO). So what is someone who is literally desperate for rest supposed to do?

Any advice for a half-crazy momma?

[tangledblue]

*Hug*

I know exactly where you are coming from. I felt so guilty about ANY crying that my DD did for the first few months (and still do sometimes, even when I shouldn't--she is 2 and I sometime find myself giving into TANTRUMS even though that is not the same kind of crying. Out of guilt. Sigh.)

Anyway, we learned with our DD that she a) sometimes really needed to be alone to sleep--we were too distracting, especially me, because we were the playmates. DH less so, but still. This is a kid that would cry like a banshee no matter what, even when we were holding her. So I know the guilt.

Often I would nurse (or after weaning, hold) her until she went to sleep, but we did do a couple of things that might help:

1) Divide the night in two so that you and DH each get a solid consecutive 5 hours, if possible. For minimal functionality. The partner who isn't "on" should be sleeping somewhere where s/he can't hear anything. Or earplugs.
2) Nightweaning. This might be an MDC no-no, but it helped. Had DH soothe her and she easily went to one and then no night feedings (forget exactly when, mabye 9 mo?)
3) We stopped going in at the drop of a hat. DD would occasionally yell in her sleep -- half a minute or less of shrieking--and then still be asleep like nothing had happened. Watched her do it. So we usually gave it a minute or two to make sure she was "serious."
4) Also, this: http://moxie.blogs.com/askmoxie/2006...t_are_sle.html
5) Holding/bouncing/rocking might actually be overstimulating. This was the case for our daughter. We had better luck leaving her right where she was, lightly patting her back and whispering "shhh." keep if very low key & don't try too many different things.

It will be so much better in a couple months. It seems like forever when it's happening, but it will be fine! Hang in there, and above all, do what you need to do to get consecutive hours of sleep, even if it means having your mom help out for a couple of nights. Also, do not feel like a bad person for letting her cry for 10 min when you were at the end of your rope. Your husband checked on her, she fell asleep, she's fine. The guilt, in this case, is more damaging than the event itself.

Hugs again.

[luckymamaoftwo]

Oh mama, I totally empathize. I have just a minute because I hear DS stirring as he's about to wake and nurse, but I read your post and just had to at least tell you that you're not alone, and you're not a bad mama for feeling the way that you do. My DD is/was very similar to how you described your babe. It's overwhelming, hard, hard stuff. Hugs to you. I'll check back tomorrow.

[mt_gooseberry]

Wow, I could have written the OP, except I am alone while my husband is out of the country (pray he gets his green card soon!) and I have never had insomnia til the baby. Unfortunately I don't have any advice because I am basically in the same situation. I feel like I have tried everything, and I keep going back and forth with having DD in the bed or in her crib-thing against the bed or on the other side of the room....All of your feelings and thoughts are mine as well....I hope more people post on this so I can read the advice as well!

[Katie T]

How does she do if you put her in her crib and sing softly, pat her back/bum, read a chapter book quietly in the room? Something so she knows you are there but not holding her? I am trying to judge if like the PP said it is over stimulating her making it harder for her to fall sleep.

I know they go through sleep regressions as well, is she close to crawling or walking?

Hang in there mama, what happened, while not what you want sounded loving. Your husband checked on her and within 10 minutes she was out. I think you need to find something to save your sanity, I really feel for you.

[nd01]

I am so sorry and I completely understand where you are coming from. We were co-sleeping for a while because it was just easier to nurse my son to sleep and then I could sleep (he just turned 1) but he's been getting too active and I am afraid he'll climb out of the bed. We're working on getting better sleep patterns now because he's up 5 - 6 times a night (and as soon as I creep out of the room, if I hit a creak in the floorboard, he's awake). I too lose my compassionate side once I get overtired and frustrated.

I'd venture to say that everyone has had a child cry for 10 minutes - at least anyone who has ever taken a long car trip alone with a baby. Now, of course, the mom could pull over every 30 seconds to comfort the baby or could drive with the baby on their lap, but that would be ridiculous and/or dangerous. So I guess my point is that there is always a cost to the decision not to let the baby cry. I do think it is cruel to make a little baby cry because the parents want to teach him to be independent at 11 weeks old. Or to let a baby cry because to finish a movie or whatever. Those are not worth letting your baby cry for. But, if you are at the point of wanting to hurt yourself, then it may be worth it to you and the baby for you to step away for a minute or so.

I think you are doing a great job by persisting with your very nurturing techniques. Please don't beat yourself up over one night of walking out of the room after 300 nights of staying there and comforting. It isn't fair to you and will make it all seem so much worse if this one event takes on more significance than it is due. And sometimes I try to frame it in the way of how I would feel if I found out that my mom did that to me as a baby and I think that helps. If she needed a ten minute break one night, I would not hold it against her at all. Hugs and know you are not alone.

[AndtheStars]

Hugs to you, mama!

I know the place you're in. It's lonely, scary and seems very, very permanent. I think a big distinction for me was to realize that any crying that my DS did alone was not CIO. I also think that there is a very big distinction between a little baby CIO and a baby your DD's age that has some recognition that if you go away, you will be coming back. I also consider the way I feel when I cry sometimes. Sometimes, I'm not crying because I want or need anything but because it feels good to cry and that's my way of expressing an emotion I'm feeling. I think it's the same with babies and because they don't have the social filters yet, crying is a good option for them to express an emotion. Again, I think at your DD's age crying doesn't always mean that you are not meeting her needs.

In the end, walking away because if you don't, you might do something you will really reget, is the best option. Please don't beat yourself up over this. You are a good mama. And to answer your question, I think that it's more important for a child to have sane, semi-rested parents who support each other than to never cry.

[svs79]

You are not alone! I've had more than a few nights where I had to let my DD cry for 5 or 10 minutes, just to keep my sanity! I know it's hard not to feel guilty when your baby is crying, though. I have to either go outside or do something to occupy myself. My advice is to take it easy on yourself! You're doing a great job!

(((Hugs)))

[bodhitree]

OP, I am so, so sorry that you're in such a tough situation. I know how awful it is. I've been there! What I did at the worst of it (when my DD was about 6 months old) was to start going to a counselor. It helped tremendously. I was able to make decisions and balance my needs with hers so much better after talking it through with a third party. And honestly, mama, some of the feelings you described sound A LOT like depression. Sleep deprivation can really mess with your brain chemistry, and if you don't get some help it may get worse before it gets better on its own. Do you have a trusted doctor or midwife that you could talk to? That's where I started, and my MW was able to recommend a therapist who specializes in postpartum issues. Or you could check in your tribal area on this site to see if you can get a recommendation.

For what it's worth, my DD still is a pretty bad sleeper. Like, we are ecstatic when she only wakes 2-3 times. But now I'm handling it a lot better because I was able to get some help (both professional help from my therapist and help with nighttime parenting from DH). Now I think I can survive until she figures out how to sleep better. You can too! You just need some help.

[musicalm]

Check out Dr. Jay's website: http://drjaygordon.com/attachment/sleeppattern.html


My little guy is very similar, he has to sleep next to me with his legs and arms wrapped around me! Best wishes!