Explaining self-injury to your children

[crunchy_mommy]

I don't hang around on this board much so I hope this is an appropriate place to post this.

I have a long mental health history that includes over a year in psychiatric hospitals and tons of medications and also am an abuse survivor. And, I used to cut.

I am 'normal' now for the most part (aside from some lingering PTSD symptoms) and I don't think I will mind sharing some of my past with DS when I feel the time is right. He's only 18mos and I can share things at my own pace & only what I feel is appropriate or helpful to him in some way.

But I have scars. And I don't know how to explain them to him -- or other children either, for that matter. Once my young cousins asked me about them & I lied & said a cat clawed me (I knew their mom would not want them hearing the truth) -- but I don't think lying to my own kids is something I want to do, it's hard enough lying to other people's kids.

I worried about this while pregnant too but I guess I kind of hoped DS would never notice the scars or view them like a birth mark or something -- just something that was always there, for all he knows. But last night he saw them and said "booboo" and gave them a kiss. Which, of course, was very sweet, but my heart dropped. I know someday he is going to ask about them & I want to be ready but I just don't know how to explain it to him in a way that won't scare or confuse him. If anyone else has lasting visible scars, what do you tell your children?

[RiverTam]

I didn't self-injure, but I have a history of alcohol dependence and other mental health issues. We have active, practicing addicts in the family.

My take on my family's addiction history has been the same as my take on sex. If the kid is asking, the kid is ready to know. I explain it simply first, and then offer more explanations if I get follow up questions. If my behavior or the behavior of another family member was bad, I explain what the alternative, good behavior was. I keep my explanations as simple as possible and let the child ask for more if they want it.

It's an okay solution. My kids know that I have flaws, but they also know that I will always try to be straight with them.

In your situation, if my child asked me how I got a cut, I would say "I cut myself with _____." and not offer more explanation, unless the child asked "how" or "why." A little kid isn't likely to ask more than that right away.

If the child asks the follow-up about "how" or "whether it was an accident," I would offer a simple explanation and then offer an alternative solution for my bad behavior. "Mommy was very sad and she cut herself because she felt bad. I shouldn't have done that. I should have talked to someone about why I felt bad and that person would have helped me feel better." (I don't know if those explanations work for you, so you should change them around to meet whatever facts fit your circumstances.)

[crunchy_mommy]

That seems like a reasonable way to approach it. I hadn't even thought of it like that. I guess to me "I cut myself" means I did it intentionally but now that I think about it, it wouldn't mean that to most people & not to my kid(s). And I like the idea of offering an alternative solution.

[muldey]

I'm struggling with this too.My kids are older and have seen my scars.Mine are mostly on my thighs so no one else sees them,but my kids have a habit of not knocking on the bathroom door.I said one of the cats scratched me on accident(our kitties never scratch or bite).I'm just not ready to go into much detail.Dd is 12 and around the age when a lot of teens start,so I'm watching her carefully.She doesn't seem to have any of the problems I had as a kid,but she's still dealing with a special needs brother and an alcoholic father,and of course me with my issues.I'm still kind of actively self injuring(it's very rare but the thoughts are always there).I'm on a ton of meds and spent some time inpatient a year and a half ago.I didn't explain to them why I was there,they never asked me,but they may have asked my parents or their father,and I'm not sure how much they were told.With dd I think I may be completly honest if she asks again.I just don't want her doing it.Now that I think about it I'd rather have her learn about it from me than from kids at school.

[crunchy_mommy]

Yes exactly, I don't want him or my other future kids learning about it from someone else. I *hope* he can learn from my mistakes rather than repeat them but I'm terrified it will turn into, "Mom did it so it can't be that bad" or something. I was very secretive in my teen years & my parents had no bad habits I'm aware of but never shared much about themselves & I guess I hope by opening up to my kids I can break that pattern of shutting family out...