Stranger Anxiety in 14 month old

[goldendolphin]

Hi,
I have a 14 month old who I've attachment parented from birth. We co-sleep and breastfeed and sometimes still carry in the sling.

Since quite early on, I'd say about 5-6 months (maybe before) he has had stranger anxiety. It doesnt seem to have gone at all. He still screams at most strangers. Obviously its worst if he's tired or cranky. Sometimes now I notice he will smile etc, but if that same person gets too close then it will set him off.
I'm pregnant again with no.2. Me and his dad dont live together and because of other things I've been going to the appontments on my own or with friends. Today, he was screaming (I guess as he didnt like the ultrasound lady.) My freind was with him but he just wanted me. He didnt stop crying, (even though he was right next to me) until we got out and I calmed him down.
This has happened in the doctors and he was with his dad, but kept screaming until he had me and we got out of there.
Normally he's a happy baby. Nothing wrong. I tried taking him to a regular mother / toddlers group when he was 8 months, but he would just scream all the way through the singing bit, and sometimes before too.
Sometimes he is ok with some people, (well one, a female friend of mine)

I havent really left him for more than an hour with his dad. (I dont know if this is the problem)

I'm getting comments from friends telling me its unhealthy attachment and I need to put him in a nursery and have some time away from him etc. Or I'm mothering him too much etc.
Just wondered on your thoughts and expereinces?

[fyrwmn]

i think some children are just "needier" (for lack of a better word) than others. it seems that your son has a healthy attatchment to you, and i don't think that leaving him with starngers (babysitter, nursery worker, etc) while it causes him this much anxiety/upset would be a good thing. imo, you are doing a good thing by meeting his needs. making him feel safe and secure is not spoiling him. he also may just be the kind of child who takes a while to warm up to people he doesn't know. my dd is like that. now that she is 4.5yrs, it seems like as long as she's given time and space to get accustomed to someone, she does okay. her big hang up is men she doesn't know...on easter, there was a couple "on duty" in her sunday school room. the man was the one at the door greeting the kids and dd took one look at him and burst into tears and clung to me like her life depended on it. this from a child who loves sunday school. it wasn't worth pushing her into an uncomfortable situation, and i chose to just take her into the sermon with me. if it were me, i would just try to take things slowly and adapt situations to my child's comfort level as much as possible.

[Jane91]

I've been reading an interesting book called "Baby Hearts" by the same authors as "Baby Signs" and "Baby Minds". It talks about the 4 major personality types that are typically seen by researchers (Easy Baby, Difficult Baby, Active Baby and the Slow to Warm Baby), and how to work with each on the emotional level to raise a happy child.

It sounds like your child may be the type of personality they call a "Baby Orchid" or the "Slow to Warm" child. Having difficulty without mom would not be unusual and "forcing" such a child into situations they are not comfortable with usually results in their anxiety getting worse.

The book might be helpful for you. Not everything is about the attachment -- the child (obviously) brings his or her own personality into play as well.

[lookatreestar]

meh, my ds is almost 15 months and he doesn't usually stay very long with his dad either. at this age my dd was fine with me being gone and working four or five hours. that would just not fly with him. kids are all different. soon enough it will have paid off and he will be fine to hang out with dad all day long. really they grow so darn fast.

[maryeb]

Aww, my first was like this. I can say that it has become much better and not because I left him with others to make him used to it, as was suggested by my family. Around 2.5 we found an awesome young babysitter and he would go all over the neighborhood with her. He wasn't comfortable with me leaving the house first, he was okay if he left with her. It has just evolved over the years and become much easier. Now at almost 5 he is thrilled to be with other adults/kids and away from me. My second was not like this at all, by the way. He loved going to most people from the beginning.

[LynnS6]

I had a Slow to Warm baby, and I can tell you: It is nothing that you're doing. Our ds got stranger anxiety at 4 months (I'm not kidding) and it lasted until he was 3. It wasn't always intense, but the months between about 12 and 20 months were hard. Language helped immensely. But what really helped the most is time and indulging his need to be with dh or me (luckily I had someone who could spell me). Even today at age 9, he sometimes shadows me. When he's tired or sick, he needs to be near me. Because it occurs so rarely, I find it sweet, rather than stifling like I did when he was little.

Several suggestions:
Ignore your friends who tell you that this is an unhealthy attachment. He's 14 months.

If you do need to have someone else care for him, it was actually much much easier for our son to not be able to see us or hear us. If we weren't there, he could settle in with someone (eventually). But having someone else hold him while we were doing something else was a recipe for disaster.

Do what you need to do to keep yourself mentally fit and healthy. This may mean developing a relationship with a trusted babysitter so that you can get out a bit. All kids feed off their parents' energy, but I think highly sensitive, slow to warm up kids really do. If he senses you pushing him away, he's going to push harder to get near you. Better to take a break and come back refreshed and ready to give him what he needs than to be there 24/7 and be resentful.

If his dad is a safe person for him to be around, he should start developing a relationship with his dad. He's far too young to do overnights, but he could spend a couple of hours with dad a couple of days a week. If dad is not safe/stable or not interested, that's a whole different issue. But if he is, I'd encourage this. It's hard for children like this to learn that they can trust other adults, but it's crucial that they do so.

As I mentioned earlier, our son is now 9. He's happy, confident and able to go off and do things all alone if he wants to. He thrives in school, he goes over to friends' houses to play, he has sleep overs. He's still slow to warm up, but it's OK. So, don't worry about the distant future. Do what you have to do to get through the next couple of years.

[JavaJunkie]

Two of mine have been like your little one, and two were not. My youngest is 20 months and still does. not. like. ANYONE. LOL Actually, she does seem to like other children that are around her siblings' ages. But she doesn't like adults. IME, babies are either like this, or they aren't.

[JavaJunkie]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

I had a Slow to Warm baby, and I can tell you: It is nothing that you're doing. Our ds got stranger anxiety at 4 months (I'm not kidding) and it lasted until he was 3. It wasn't always intense, but the months between about 12 and 20 months were hard. Language helped immensely. But what really helped the most is time and indulging his need to be with dh or me (luckily I had someone who could spell me). Even today at age 9, he sometimes shadows me. When he's tired or sick, he needs to be near me. Because it occurs so rarely, I find it sweet, rather than stifling like I did when he was little.

Several suggestions:
Ignore your friends who tell you that this is an unhealthy attachment. He's 14 months.

If you do need to have someone else care for him, it was actually much much easier for our son to not be able to see us or hear us. If we weren't there, he could settle in with someone (eventually). But having someone else hold him while we were doing something else was a recipe for disaster.

Do what you need to do to keep yourself mentally fit and healthy. This may mean developing a relationship with a trusted babysitter so that you can get out a bit. All kids feed off their parents' energy, but I think highly sensitive, slow to warm up kids really do. If he senses you pushing him away, he's going to push harder to get near you. Better to take a break and come back refreshed and ready to give him what he needs than to be there 24/7 and be resentful.

If his dad is a safe person for him to be around, he should start developing a relationship with his dad. He's far too young to do overnights, but he could spend a couple of hours with dad a couple of days a week. If dad is not safe/stable or not interested, that's a whole different issue. But if he is, I'd encourage this. It's hard for children like this to learn that they can trust other adults, but it's crucial that they do so.

As I mentioned earlier, our son is now 9. He's happy, confident and able to go off and do things all alone if he wants to. He thrives in school, he goes over to friends' houses to play, he has sleep overs. He's still slow to warm up, but it's OK. So, don't worry about the distant future. Do what you have to do to get through the next couple of years.

This is all fantastic advice, too.

[tri31]

I have four children and I can tell you for sure that they all have their own unique temperments. Jaden went through 3 stranger anxiety episodes. Terrified of anyone outside our immediate family. He is almost 3 now and much more at ease. They know your their life line. There is no one size fits all in parenting.
You know your child best. If your instincts are firing off talk to your childs doctor. I did, my kids are quite normal. Some are just naturally fearful. I don't think I have loved them to much, held them to much, or coddled them. Life is unpredictable, we all have our "thing" that freaks us out.
My oldest is learning to drive. She is naturally much more cautious than her peers, her first few times she drove like her life was at stake. It is.
Personally I believe they are wise old souls. Follow your intuition, you can't love them to much.

[Daffodil]

As I recall, around 10-15 months is the worst time for stranger anxiety. Both of my kids and my nephew were uncomfortable with people other than their parents when they were your DS's age. My DD in particular had a lot of stranger anxiety, starting at 4 1/2 months, and it was at its height when she was around 12 months. By the time she was 18 months, it was a lot better, and by the time she was 2, she was mostly over it. By the time she was 3, she was a well-adjusted, friendly kid who would make friends with kids her age wherever she saw them and who thought just about every friendly adult was "really nice."

When she was afraid of strangers, I didn't force her to interact with them or to be away from me. I didn't do anything in particular to encourage her to become less shy - it just happened on its own as she got older. It will happen with your baby, too. He may always be on the shy side (though he may not - my DD is really not a very shy kid now, despite all that stranger anxiety), but I bet things will get a whole lot better in just a few months.

[4evermom]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

I had a Slow to Warm baby, and I can tell you: It is nothing that you're doing. Our ds got stranger anxiety at 4 months (I'm not kidding)

Mine, too. I remember it was exactly 4 months because it was Christmas time... He especially cry when he saw MIL (and FIL by association) because she'd swoop in to kiss him right away and he sensed she was always angling to hold him. Some kids are just like this.

It helped that I could explain to MIL and others that he needed some time to warm up and I suggested she try kissing him goodbye instead of hello. It helped that we lived with two other adults (dh and my mom). My mom always let ds come to her, she never picked him up or really even approached him. She always welcomed him when he approached her so she was a comfortable and familiar person to babysit for short times or to come with us to appointments.

If you could cultivate someone who would just hang out with you and interact with your ds at his own pace, it might help when you need that person to babysit. At nine, my ds is doing great although he does like to touch base with me more frequently than another kid might.

[4evermom]

Just wanted to add, think of it this way, you are teaching your ds how to have a committed relationship. There isn't anything unhealthful about a young child's strong attachment to his mother. Your child will grow up and be capable of forming a strong loving relationship with another adult because of the time you are now spending with him.

[TiredX2]

Moved to Toddlers

[lkmiscnet]

Trust your instincts! My DS is almost 15 mo and has been a high needs, sensitive baby from the start. He was induced a month early and spent 3 weeks in the NICU, so had a rough start in life. My DH was working out of state, so after the birth, it was just me and our DS for 6 months before DH moved back home. I was a nervous wreck and it was quite stressful as I was a first time mom who had not been around babies. He would cry at the drop of a hat and it was very stressful going anywhere because I knew he would cry.

I kept blaming myself after about 6-9 mos of age that I hadn't properly socialized him since it was just he and I and it was winter time and H1N1 was going around, so we hibernated. But, I don't know if that would have made a difference. I think his sensitivity is just ingrained in his personality.

Stranger anxiety peaked at 10 mo of age. If a stranger just looked at him, he would cry even though he had no problems going to stores with me and was around all sorts of peopel. It was only if someone focused their gaze on him directly that he felt threatened.

My mom came to visit right around that time and it took 3 days before he could be held by her without crying and without me being in the room. So, he was definitely slow to warm.

I have had well meaning friends suggest that I put him in daycare just for a few hours a week, just give myself a break. But, I know that would not be a good idea. He is just not developmentally ready for that. He would be hysterical the whole time and feel such anxiety and feelings of abandonment and that is not the way to make him feel confident and secure. In fact, I would think it would cause more problems because he would likely cling even more to me, fearful that I would leave him again and perhaps have unhealthy fears of abandonment.

His ped agreed that the best case for us is to find another stay at home mom with someone his age and have intimate playdates so he would get comfortable around them. It would be easier for him to adjust and he would come to trust them and we could hopefully exchange sitting for each other. I still haven't found someone though.

Luckily, the worst of his stranger anxiety lasted for only a month. I just started participating in some playdates last month with some mom groups (at age 13 mo) and he is doing surprisingly well. I felt I was running out of time to socialize him as the months were flying by. He is very timid and shy and tends to sit back and observe, but he is not crying. He is not threatened by the other little ones around and is interested in watching them and not sure what to make of them. I think as he gets accustomed to them, he will break out of his shell and interact with them. He's still nervous around the adults though.

I still don't have a sitter and have not left him with anyone. And, he will cry if I try to let someone hold him. But, this too shall pass. We're in no hurry...

So, trust your instincts and just love him with all your might. He will grow up to be confident, secure, well loved and healthy boy.

[goldendolphin]

Thanks for all your advice and recommendations. I can see some improvement in him already. Doesnt stop my frinds saying I need to emotionally detatch! Just tiring having to constantly defend my position... but oh well.
May start taking him to play groups or something as he seems to like paying with other kids, its just adults he can be wary of. Took him swimming the other day and although he was looking at other parents in the pool with a bit of wonder there were no tears, and by the end he was trying to run round the cchanging room on his own...
so fingers crossed he's getting there!

[Momofjames]

Thank you for this your comments. I was beginning to worry about my son who is 2 yrs 4 mths. He still very much suffers from stranger anxiety, to the point that I cannot leave him with anyone. I have tried once or twice only for it to be nothing but a marathon crying session for him and being more clingy to me for the next several days after.  He is adopted. We took him home from the hospital, but because it was through the foster care system and they managed to drag his case out for a year, I was not allowed to leave him with anyone for any reason with out special permission. Consequently, he was almost always with me. Now, even after another year he will not tolerate being left with anyone even in the nursery at our church. I have been told, I should just leave him and he would get over it, but like I said this has not worked and only made things worse.

I too get the comments that I am spoiling him and I need to let him cry sometimes, etc.

I was just wondering if there was anything special you did to help your son get over his anxiety?