I'm very annoyed with my 1st grader right now, need some perspective

[CrazyCatLady]

We're going on our second year of homeschooling (mostly unschooling). My dd is almost six and starting first grade this year. She's a good kid, entertains herself a lot, loves to help, etc. We have lots of home school friends and park days and field trips.

But I'm having a problem with classes. She'll be dying to try something. Then I sign her up, we love it for a while, and then as soon as it gets harder than she likes...she quits. There is no forcing her to go back once she's made up her mind. This bugs me a lot. I know classes aren't everything, but I need for her to be interested in something. Otherwise we just drive each other crazy at home.

She's also been very whiny and uncooperative lately about cleaning up after herself, doing chores, etc. She acts like I ask a lot out of her, and really I hardly ask her to do anything. So when I do, I feel like it shouldn't be such a fight.

This year we need to start doing some (not much at all) curriculum for our ISP, and I'm already dreading how that's going to go. She's going to be incredibly difficult and I'm going to want to pull my hair out.

So I'd love for some advice from more experienced homeschoolers. I keep threatening to just throw her into kindergarten this year because I give up. I tell her that she needs to help me and work with me a little bit or I won't be able to do this anymore (I do have CPS coming in and out of the picture when they feel like it). But I don't really want to do that and I know I should stop threatening her with school (though part of me means it on days like today). Any words of wisdom on how to fix this? Maybe I just suck at homeshooling and don't know it?

[Multimomma]

It's important to remember developmental stages. She sounds pretty normal for the age. You might start slowly with schooling, adding one or two solid subjects, for 20 minutes each with a play break in the middle.

On the classes, I wouldn't push her going. Grownups do that all the time, start an interest and lose it. If cost is an issue, then find an adult to mentor her, so you're not paying. I don't think that she has to have a class to have time out of the house and not with you...what about play days, scheduled day at the park, at the library, at the zoo etc, when you can hang back and let her play with others?

Same for chores, age appropriate. what kind of chores is she doing? At this age, you should still be working with her on a lot of stuff, or setting really small goals before walking away (Okay, how about we start with picking up blocks, and then we'll go from there)

[Lisa1970]

I have a 6 yr old and 8 yrs homeschool experience. Does that help?

Basically, I would do just one class and make sure it is something you think she will like. Or at least think she will like. Tell her she has to commit to one semester. Then, when she starts complaining after a few weeks, set down consequences. For the most part, I would not do any activities and when she begs, tell her why. Then maybe try again after Christmas. But if you just really want her in an activity now, then I would hold out consequences.

This is how things went around our house this week. The children (as in the 8 and 6 yr old, not the older children or the baby) refused to do anything. I set down a time for the computer and Wii. Then I told them do their chores and homework or no computer time. I made a list of their chores and posted them. The homework was already spelled out too. I actually had to leave for a while and came back to all the chores done. They did not want to lose the computer. But, 6 yr old still did not want to do his schoolwork. Now, realize, his schoolwork would take a half hour if he just did it. He fussed and fussed. He also fell to the ground crying insisted he could not do it. Eventually, he just did it. He found it was not so bad. It took him probably less than 30 minutes. Then he got his computer games.

Thing is, the first few times of enforcing the rule are the toughest. But teaching them a good work ethic and stick-to-itness is just too important and far more important than most of what you will ever teach them.

Good luck!!

Oh, back to the classes, I would cut back to just one if you are doing more than one until you build her up to not dropping out. You may feel there is no forcing her, but there is, you just have to find what she will respond to. (I never take away dolls or stuffed animals because that is too much like taking away babies, but I find games and books and such to be free to take away, play groups, field trips, etc etc etc).

Good luck!!!

[Lisa1970]

You do need to stop threatening her with school. That is a decision you and only you should make, not her. She is making that decision when her behavior choses it.

My first choice would be to have her drop all out of home activities until she can be better about it.

Why is CPS in and out? Are you having troubles with her dad or something? I am wondering if someone might be undermining you with her.

[elus0814]

It sounds like the activities are the type that get progressively more difficult. Things like music lessons might be too much. What about activities that are purely social and do not become more difficult? I would tend towards cutting all activities for now, simply explain that because she doesn't stick with anything that there won't be anything new for awhile. Maybe make a list of future possibilities together and talk about them for a few months rather than jumping in on something new constantly.

I agree with pp, threatening school is not a good way to go. My husband used to do this and it really bothered me. I don't want school to be thought of as a punishment, it's just a different path that some kids are on.

What about very inexpensive activities that can be started at home? For example, rather than starting an art class just start with some paper and a drawing pencil at home or go to the pool and do a few swimming lessons with her by yourself before signing her up for anything. With just one child to homeschool it should be easy to get out and do some things or to try out options before going all the way to classes or lessons.

[CrazyCatLady]

We definitely do free stuff that get's us out all the time. Park days with home schoolers, field trips, play dates, etc. We're in CA, so there's a lot for us thankfully. Though she'd be happy to do none of it. She is a big homebody. But I force us out because I need the socialization. Maybe I should just scale back on everything while she's still so young?

She did last minute decided to do her music lesson today (the fight that prompted my post). I guess we could stop the classes, but she only does music and ice skating. And she loves them most of the time. I could stop them and save the money. But I thought it helped me to look like a better homeschool parent if she was enrolled in some stuff.

I have a bunch of people who make fake CPS reports on me. Then cps comes, I don't let them into my house, they get mad and threaten me, and then eventually go away until it all starts over. I don't have an active case or anything with them. I'm not actually doing anything wrong to my kid. But their presence is something that I keep in mind when organizing how I home school.

I do help her with chores too. All age appropriate and what not. I don't overwhelm her with jobs. I'm talking about small things like asking her to get her shoes will make her roll her eyes and huff and puff and be mean. Maybe that's just normal 6 year old attitude?

I know the school threats are really bad. But good grief I've been meaning it when I say it lately. If she can't be just a little nice to me and not have attitude 24/7, then I'd rather she be in school. But I will stop saying it since it's really not an option right now anyways. Thanks for checking me on that. Maybe I should go read the gentle discipline board, that seems to be my biggest issue right now. Not home schooling.

Thanks for helping a overwhelmed, single, homeschooling mom out. All the thoughts here have really been helpful.

Also with more time to think. I really think that she's having a hard time adjusting to her dad being gone and is just testing me as much as she can because of it. So she probably needs some love or gentle discipline or something, and not me threatening to send her away to school all the time.

[theatermom]

I've threatened to send my children to school on really, really overwhelming days, and I always regret it. It's not something that I want to do (for many reasons), and I've apologized to them and told them that how we school them will always be a group decision. We won't ever (outside of a huge life emergency) just turn their life upside down.

I would say that maybe ongoing lessons aren't the best fit for her right now. Maybe she needs more room to stop and try new things -- try classes that only have 6-8 sessions at a time. Or go month-to-month, and check in with her at the end of every month. If she decides to go on for another month, then she has to finish that month, but no further. 6 is still really young, and I regret the fact that I pushed my oldest a bit at such an early age. Especially if she's having difficulty with her father, she may not always feel up to the challenge of doing something long term.

On the chore end of things, I've recently made a system that is working for my nearly 10 yr old, 7 yr old, and nearly 5 yr old. Every morning and evening, they do three jobs each. They have some choice over how they help, they know that once they do their three jobs I won't ask them to do anything out of the ordinary until much later, and it's actually causing them to be more aware overall (and therefore help out when not prompted). Some things they've always been expected to do (like clear their own plate/cup/utensil after every meal and put their shoes on the shelf), but the complaining and hesitating and arguing was becoming insane, and I was getting completely overwhelmed by the amount of work in the house. There's still a ton of work, and I'm still playing catch-up from a bad couple of weeks, but just knowing that they're willing to help without griping at me has gone a long way towards buoying my spirits. I say things like, "Would you like <blah> to count as one of your three jobs?" or "Who would like to do <blah>?" or "Who still has some jobs to do?", and so far, it's going very, very well. I've probably just jinxed it, but I'm crossing everything and throwing salt over both shoulders.

Also, we try to balance times of activity with times of less craziness. I'm not saying that 2 classes make a crazy schedule, but if she likes staying at home, those classes coupled with lots of play dates and field trips could be wearing her out. Talk to her and see what you can come up with together. Something like, "I notice that you seem to be feeling a bit grouchy lately (or whatever language she responds to that won't make her feel put on the spot), and I'm wondering if it could be our schedule." And then just see what she says. It could also be that she likes ice skating and music, but just not enough to commit so much time to them. My 4.5 year old is taking a break from gymnastics for this very reason -- he's great at it, loves it when he's there (most of the time), but doesn't want to do this session. I had him finish the session he was in (a shorter summer session), unregistered him from the fall session (though it killed me), and left it open that he could reconsider for the spring session. I consider this to be the result of a lesson I learned with my oldest. Less sometimes really is more.

GL!

[onyxravnos]

my 6 year old is having similar attitude issues. must be (although crazymaking) normal for the age....

besides what others said... Perhaps since she likes to stay home you could do some swaping with another homeschool family? that way you can do a class or some socializing once or twice a week for an hour or two?

If she likes to go most of the time you might continue.... frequently mine don;t want to... it's a huge deal but then have a great time once there... if you really think she is just not into the class then finish the course and then don't sign up again.

[SagMom]

Originally Posted by CrazyCatLady

.We definitely do free stuff that get's us out all the time. Park days with home schoolers, field trips, play dates, etc. We're in CA, so there's a lot for us thankfully. Though she'd be happy to do none of it. She is a big homebody. But I force us out because I need the socialization.

This jumped out at me. Since you know this about her, perhaps forcing the issue is contributing to her attitude? If you, needing the socialization, were forced to stay at home all day, wouldn't that make you cranky?

I've always found it helpful when there's a conflict, to try and see things from my dc's perspective. Have you talked with her about the activities when you're both calm? Does she say she wants to sign up for anything?

I second the suggestion that you perhaps trade childcare so that she can stay home and you can get out--that way everyone gets what they need.

Has she verbalized what the problem is with the classes? Does SHE think they're too hard or is that your assessment? Would she be happy to go places and do things if it were not in a classroom setting? (Perhaps you could go places as a family--like museums and such.) Maybe the two of you could come to an agreement about how many outings a week are comfortable for both of you? Or limit it to a definite number of outings per week? Or designate certain days of the week as "stay home" days?

[elizawill]

my little boy is 6 1/2 and in first grade. he does very little school work (and i'm not an unschooler). i just realize his attention span is low, so for him, we can't go longer than 45-60 minutes or i'll lose him totally. i try to choose simple & engaging things, and that does help with making it fun (as opposed to painful, lol). He is still learning a TON! as for activities, we haven't had an issue with him wanting to stop things... but man, i did with my daughter!!! it would really suck because i would buy a ton of ballet stuff & she would want to quit! ugh. i didn't even care that she wanted to quit- but what was i supposed to do with the ballet clothes, shoes, tap shoes???

most of the activities we're in now involve no money for uniforms, etc. and we pay monthly, so quitting wouldn't be a big issue. but, we've finally found things that work well, so i'm not worried about that right now anyway.

as for chores, i have a chore chart. i do help him with his room & bath, but the rest is his to do.
http://www.keepandshare.com/doc/2187...36-am-62k?da=y

it's very basic stuff & they get smiley faces throughout the week & on my husband's payday (2x monthly) they receive $5. i used to be anti-allowance (i.e. earning it), but i'm totally over that.

anyway.

[elizawill]

Originally Posted by theatermom

I would say that maybe ongoing lessons aren't the best fit for her right now. Maybe she needs more room to stop and try new things -- try classes that only have 6-8 sessions at a time. Or go month-to-month

i agree. what works for my kids is bi-weekly classes. they take horseback riding, gymnastics & co-op, which are all bi-weekly. they also take 4-H which is monthly.

[frugalmum]

I don't enroll my kids in classes for precisely that reason-- they invariably lose interest and it turns into a battle to drag them out the door. If you need time away from her, is there any other way you can get "me" time? You said she entertains herself, can she be left to her own amends while you have private time for yourself elsewhere in the house?

[OTMomma]

She sounds perfectly normal for 6 to me. I found when my dd was 6, the best way to do lessons with her was to keep in mind her favorite ways to learn and to work from there. She loves to be read to, so we read lots of great books out loud and sometimes did crafts or activities to extend the learning- there are tons of ideas for this online. We also did a little bit of handwriting- where I kept lessons very short, and tried to vary the lessons a lot- using shaving cream or finger paint to practice in for example. She loves using the computer, so she did a lot of her learning to read by playing games like starfall.com and study dog.

Looking back- we fought a lot that year- maybe its 6, I don't know. But I do know that things were better when I got dd invovled in helping pick out what we were going to do, and made less of a big deal about the subjects that were hard for her, realizing that she would eventually learn those things, just on her own time.

[CrazyCatLady]

The feedback has all been very helpful. We've been talking about it and her major complaint is that she doesn't have enough time to be home and play with her toys. Which seems kind of odd to me because she has tons of time to play alone with toys, way more than the average kid especially. But I'll keep that in mind and see what I can do.

She doesn't want to quit ice skating or music. She insists that she still loves them. So I guess I'm just going to be firmer about making her go on the days where she doesn't want to, then we'll reasses at the end of the semester like we do every time. She always enjoys stuff once we're out of the house. it's just that transition from the house, to out to public that's hard on her. She never wants to leave, but once we're out she's happy.

Maybe I gave the wrong impression, but we don't do a ton of stuff. I don't think the weekly park day or a field trip every week or so is overwhelming her. I just can not be her only playmate. We do some play dates at my house, but well, people are flaky and I can't count on it all the time. And all her best friends attend the park day and she always has a blast once we're there.

So I'm asking (not defensively) is it really so wrong for me to make her go, when she always enjoys herself there (a lot)? I mean as a homeschooler am I really supposed to just be her only source of entertainment all week because she doesn't like putting her shoes on? Because if that's the case, then I'm really second guessing my ability to be a single, home school mom. Of course we skip on days when she's tired or whatever. But am I selfish for making her get out of the house sometimes? Especially when she likes it once she's there? Some of the answers here have me feeling a bit nervous/bad about myself.

Again I think I may just be having discipline problems more than home school ones thanks to all the changes in her life recently. But the advice her has been really helpful and has gotten me to think a lot about how we do things and what could be tweeked.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by CrazyCatLady

Maybe I gave the wrong impression, but we don't do a ton of stuff. I don't think the weekly park day or a field trip every week or so is overwhelming her.

It would be for me if I had a choice. I'm an introvert, and I really could do with getting out & about with people every 2 weeks or so. We have a neighbor who visits us all the time, and sometimes I will admit to not answering the door. I just don't like to be with people all the time, and I'm wondering if your dd feels that way. My husband will say the same things you're saying - that I seem to have a good time once I'm out. Most of the time, I will find an interesting conversation or something, but really being around people is draining for me.

We actually have the opposite problem. My son is much like me, but dd *needs* time with other people. She craves it. The only reason we're doing homeschool park days and things like that is because she would get cabin fever if we stayed home as much as ds & I would like.

So maybe consider other options to get your break from her rather than taking her to things that require her to interact and doing 2 lesson types. (I actually loved music lessons because I didn't have to talk.)

[VisionaryMom]

Oh, another idea...

One of the things I love about the Y where we live is that they do classes on a 4-week rotation, so you're signing up for 1 hour per week for 4 weeks. They usually run about $20-25 for the 4 weeks. Maybe you could try something like that if you need to have a break, and then she's not committed to months & months.

[CrazyCatLady]

I think you may be right. She might just be more of an introvert than I realize. She's a very busy/hyper kid so I guess I never pegged her as introverted. But she does have a hard time warming up to new people. And she has tons of introverts and hombodies on both sides of her gene pool (her dad included).

I'm not a people person either, but I do need to be busy a lot or I get bored/anxious. I've started going back to school at night, so maybe that will take care of my social/busy needs.

I asked her just now about this and she said that she likes being home. She said that doesn't like being out too much and she insisted to me that she doesn't get bored or lonely being here all the time. I think I may have been overcompensating because she's an only and I worry about it sometimes.

So I will scale back this year and hopefully she'll be a little less grouchy and I can save some money too.

[phathui5]

So I'm asking (not defensively) is it really so wrong for me to make her go, when she always enjoys herself there (a lot)? I mean as a homeschooler am I really supposed to just be her only source of entertainment all week because she doesn't like putting her shoes on?

I don't think there's anything wrong with making her go places so that 1) you can get out of the house and 2) she can have different experiences. While she may not do well with going to social things every single day when she's expressed that she wants more time at home, you shouldn't have to stay home every day when you need time out of the house. Finding a balance may not be easy, but there has to be a way to get both of your needs met.

[domesticidyll]

I wonder if it's as much the transition itself as the particular activities--if she says she likes the lessons, if she has a good time at park day when she gets there. Six is old enough to start engaging her in coming up with ideas; a few things that work for us sometimes are scheduling a transition when possible for right after another activity (leaving right after lunch, rather than in the middle of something), connecting with DS by reading or playing for five or ten minutes, fully engaged, then gently moving toward something else, putting music on... I know it's really, really hard for DS to be rushed; maybe she is similar.

Yes, I do think it's okay to have her do a few activities she enjoys once she gets started, even if the warming up to leave home process is really hard, as long as she's getting as much help with gentle transitioning as you can.

Heather

[stik]

I do not homeschool, but my dd has gone through those phases. In my experience, the best way to get her out of the rut is to give her a ton of specific, informative, positive feedback. If she is working toward something I want her to do (e.g., solve problems on her own, look after herself, develop a work ethic, complete school assignments, actively participate in a team activity), I let her know. "You've put three socks in the laundry hamper. That's a great way to get the job started! We'll have this room cleaned in no time!" "You got the paper towels to clean up that juice. You didn't even have to ask for help! That's awesome problem-solving." When we're having a hard day, it can feel silly, but I've found it makes a huge difference in her attitude and her willingness to stick with a difficult task.