I'm very annoyed with my 1st grader right now, need some perspective - Page 2

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by CrazyCatLady

We definitely do free stuff that get's us out all the time. Park days with home schoolers, field trips, play dates, etc. We're in CA, so there's a lot for us thankfully. Though she'd be happy to do none of it. She is a big homebody. But I force us out because I need the socialization. Maybe I should just scale back on everything while she's still so young?

I'm also a homebody. Doing all the social stuff and running around (play dates, homelearning meetup, classes, etc.) absolutely drains me. I get good things from it, too, as I have no friends, and need a little social time. But, it drains me. My in-laws just left after a week-long visit, and I miss them (they won't be back for a year), but I'm actually feeling stressed because we have a couple errands to run, and I need a day at home.

What I'm getting at is that, at 42, I feel overwhelmed when I'm being constantly pushed to go out and do things. It causes me a lot of stress. I can't imagine coping with the kind of schedule you mention at age 6. It would have been way too much for me.

[CrazyCatLady]

Well you all had me feeling guilty so I told Zayla that we could stay home all weekend. So far we've almost stuck with it and she's really seemed to enjoy it. Most of her time is spent outside poking around at bugs and playing with the cats. Her attitude has been a lot better too. I think I might do a little bit of reading on introverts, because apparently I have one on my hands here. The whole idea of being home a lot and not being bored is foreign to me. I'm glad you all brought it to my attention that some people actually enjoy staying in a lot.

Now her and I can work on a schedule that will keep us both happy.

So I'm really glad that I posted this thread because otherwise I might not have ever known that I've been running my poor dd ragged. And here I thought that we weren't doing "enough" sometimes. Thank you all again so much. This has been so helpful.

[itsnikki]

Oh hun, y'all sound like my hubs and I. He is introverted, would rather stay at home all the time, and maybe get out once a week to go to the library. (We're all big readers in this house!) Julia (our daughter) would go out every day, she always wants to do stuff, and I'm somewhere in the middle. Most days I'd rather stay home... but there's other days I just want to go out and hang with friends. I don't want to be home every single day.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by CrazyCatLady

Well you all had me feeling guilty so I told Zayla that we could stay home all weekend. So far we've almost stuck with it and she's really seemed to enjoy it. Most of her time is spent outside poking around at bugs and playing with the cats. Her attitude has been a lot better too. I think I might do a little bit of reading on introverts, because apparently I have one on my hands here. The whole idea of being home a lot and not being bored is foreign to me. I'm glad you all brought it to my attention that some people actually enjoy staying in a lot.

Now her and I can work on a schedule that will keep us both happy.

So I'm really glad that I posted this thread because otherwise I might not have ever known that I've been running my poor dd ragged. And here I thought that we weren't doing "enough" sometimes. Thank you all again so much. This has been so helpful.

No need to feel guilty. I think it can be very difficult for extraverts and introverts to understand each other.

Glad things seem to be going well.

[SagMom]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

No need to feel guilty. I think it can be very difficult for extraverts and introverts to understand each other.

Glad things seem to be going well.

I too am sorry you feel guilty. Even though I consider myself an introvert, I had been planning too much for my ds when we first started hsing. I think society in general gives the message that we "should" be GOING and DOING all the time, that busier is better. Sometimes it's hard for us to even listen to ourselves! My kids all have different social needs--it takes some juggling but I think it's possible for both the homebodies and the social butterflies to be happy. And of course, your dd's needs and preferences may very well change as she gets older!

[Fillyjonk]

BUT

I think you need to look after yourself too.

It would drive me nuts not to be able to get out and socialise with other adults regularly, especially homeschooling/weird adults. Without this i become that lady on the bus who tries to engage embarassed teenagers in conversation about knitting. I do need very regular adult contact to function as a good parent. I've tried it the other way-it was awful, tbh. I need support and conversation with other home schoolers, and the internet just isn't enough for me.

you said, "the whole idea of being home a lot and not being bored is foreign to me". Yup, me too. If I'm not out of the house by 10 I get very twitchy.

Luckily my kids are pretty ok with meeting new people, and I'd say so far both my older kids are fairly extroverted, but i think even if they weren't, if I couldn't work it out with dp to go alone (and I might well not be able to-he works long hours and isn't around in the day), I'd have to come to some arrangement with the kids, because I NEED this time to function as a good parent. I'm quite extroverted, meaning I need the company of others, different from who I live with, to recharge.

I do think an awful lot of homeschoolers and homeschooling families are introverts, at least in my experience over here.

I think she is old enough now that if you sat her down and explained that you have needs that you have to have met, and tried to troubleshoot for a solution together, you might have some joy. 6 is young but it is not THAT young, I think she can take some limited, non-punitive, responsibility for making sure you get what you need to stay happy as well.

[AAK]

Originally Posted by CrazyCatLady

She doesn't want to quit ice skating or music. She insists that she still loves them. So I guess I'm just going to be firmer about making her go on the days where she doesn't want to, then we'll reasses at the end of the semester like we do every time. She always enjoys stuff once we're out of the house. it's just that transition from the house, to out to public that's hard on her. She never wants to leave, but once we're out she's happy.

Maybe I gave the wrong impression, but we don't do a ton of stuff. I don't think the weekly park day or a field trip every week or so is overwhelming her. I just can not be her only playmate. We do some play dates at my house, but well, people are flaky and I can't count on it all the time. And all her best friends attend the park day and she always has a blast once we're there.

So I'm asking (not defensively) is it really so wrong for me to make her go, when she always enjoys herself there (a lot)? I mean as a homeschooler am I really supposed to just be her only source of entertainment all week because she doesn't like putting her shoes on? Because if that's the case, then I'm really second guessing my ability to be a single, home school mom. Of course we skip on days when she's tired or whatever. But am I selfish for making her get out of the house sometimes? Especially when she likes it once she's there? Some of the answers here have me feeling a bit nervous/bad about myself.

I am an introvert too. But I think that the weekly park day should continue. Her friends are there and she does have fun. It also gives you a bit of social stimulation. Just as my extrovert has had to learn to have down time, I think introverts benefit from having social time.

Six year olds do have attitude. And, with the household changes, yours is probably testing you. She may want to feel that she has control over her own life. I think a routine/schedule might help her. She will know what to expect and when to expect it. Maybe post a weekly schedule. I would keep park day, music, and ice skating (since she doesn't want to quit those). I would do the field trips on a case by case basis. I would also schedule in "cuddle time" for the two of you where you drop everything, snuggle up on the couch and read together or talk about whatever. I would also have about an hour each day doing "school". I know you said that you unschool, and I am not suggesting that you change that, but maybe have a school time that is consistant. You can cook/bake/sew/create/explore/or whatever during it, and have her practice her music.

I don't think you should have to play with her all day. Have some playdates with friends, play with her sometimes, and let her play by herself while you do your stuff too. I don't think you are being selfish. I think this is all very normal. And, homeschool moms (imo) REALLY need to make sure they are satisfying their own needs too--otherwise things can get miserable.

Good luck.

Amy

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by Fillyjonk

BUT

I think you need to look after yourself too.

It would drive me nuts not to be able to get out and socialise with other adults regularly, especially homeschooling/weird adults. Without this i become that lady on the bus who tries to engage embarassed teenagers in conversation about knitting. I do need very regular adult contact to function as a good parent. I've tried it the other way-it was awful, tbh. I need support and conversation with other home schoolers, and the internet just isn't enough for me.

you said, "the whole idea of being home a lot and not being bored is foreign to me". Yup, me too. If I'm not out of the house by 10 I get very twitchy.

Luckily my kids are pretty ok with meeting new people, and I'd say so far both my older kids are fairly extroverted, but i think even if they weren't, if I couldn't work it out with dp to go alone (and I might well not be able to-he works long hours and isn't around in the day), I'd have to come to some arrangement with the kids, because I NEED this time to function as a good parent. I'm quite extroverted, meaning I need the company of others, different from who I live with, to recharge.

I do think an awful lot of homeschoolers and homeschooling families are introverts, at least in my experience over here.

I think she is old enough now that if you sat her down and explained that you have needs that you have to have met, and tried to troubleshoot for a solution together, you might have some joy. 6 is young but it is not THAT young, I think she can take some limited, non-punitive, responsibility for making sure you get what you need to stay happy as well.

The issue I would have if I were the OP's daughter is that the onus has become on the daughter to be in activities to allow her mom social contact. (OP, I don't say that to make you feel guilty. I just don't know a better way to put it!) The OP should work to find ways to get the social interaction she needs that doesn't involve requiring her daughter to be "on" with other people. I don't think extroverts understand how being with other people is draining for introverts. I am one of the coordinators of a monthly arts exhibit. I love the experience but do not talk to me afterward that night! I have to come home and just read because the experience requires me to chat it up with strangers, make artists happy, etc. It's really tiring, even if I love it.

Perhaps mom needs to have a weekly group of friends who hang out while DD stays home with a sitter. Or mom could enroll in a class to explore a new hobby. In the end, though, I think the problem is scheduling the child for too many things so mom gets to see people everyday. We have the opposite issue, and I'm very aware that I have to schedule "interaction," or my dd will be really upset.

[CrazyCatLady]

Perhaps mom needs to have a weekly group of friends who hang out while DD stays home with a sitter. Or mom could enroll in a class to explore a new hobby. In the end, though, I think the problem is scheduling the child for too many things so mom gets to see people everyday. We have the opposite issue, and I'm very aware that I have to schedule "interaction," or my dd will be really upset.

Except this isn't really true. I don't drag her from place to place because I'm lonely, because I'm not. I do already have friends that I see on my own. I go to voice lessons on my own. I'm in college full time on my own. I even get to go out dancing with friends semi-regularly on my own (I go-go so I even get paid to do it).

I don't take her to park days and lessons because I need to see people. Like I said before, I'm not all that social myself. I take her because she will drive me crazy if we're home alone together from 7-7, 7 days a week. Even with all the time she spends entertaining herself, I just can not be her only companion all the time. And I'm not convinced that that's even healthy anyways.

Maybe I'm just a young, sucky mom but I can only handle so much one on one time with her. I think it's better for both of us when we go to the park days and she can play make believe with her home school friends off in the trees for hours.

I am going to pay more attention though and make sure things are better balanced for both of us. Park days and classes will stay for now because we both want them too. But I am going to scale back on field trips and things like dragging her out shopping etc. That's the stuff that's optional anyways, and it's the stuff she complains the most about. Hopefully we'll figure something out that works for both of us.

Thanks again for the help.