I used to use CIO method!

[forbusmama]

A little background info.

My son was a colicky and refluxy baby. He cried hours and hours a day, while I rocked him, sung to him, took him on car rides, wore him. I tried gripe water, teething and colic tablets, everything. I believe he associated my arms, with pain and stress. I started CIO at about 6 months. He cried LESS with CIO than he did in my arms, and he had begun kicking and pushing away from me, refusing to be rocked. So I thought it was best for him.

Was I ever wrong. He is so anxious, always wanting to be held, cries when we put him down (he is a year old now). He hates bedtime and anticipates the stress I believe, because as soon as we set him on the end of the crib where we change him and brush his teeth, he has a fit.

I just dont know how to take back bedtime and turn his crib into a peaceful and loving place without further stressing him out because of the changes. Cosleep is out of the question. Been there done that. He needs too much room and rolls too frequently. How can I undo what I have caused for him?

[Maluhia]

You made the most important first step - you stopped.

I'd suggest ditching the crib and getting a Full Size bed for the floor of his room. Lie down with him to sleep on it, nursing or cuddling, and then exit after he falls asleep that way he has his room. Once you rebuild trust you can nurse/cuddle and tell him you are going to get a few things done and will come back to kiss him goodnight and he may allow you to leave and play quitely as he falls asleep.

This is also a sleep-fighting age so it won't be easy, but with time and patience you can repair any broken trusting feelings there are between you two.

[forbusmama]

The only problem there is that he will get up and walk around. When he gets tired he does not put himself to sleep. He will think I am there to play and he will just get up. He walks around and cries and stumbles and falls and cries harder, over and over until we put him in his crib and then he goes to sleep after crying 4-5 minutes.

Do you think we could try to make it more peaceful by standing by his crib and singing to him as he falls asleep and rubbing his back? I did that earlier and he seemed to like that. He cried initially, but calmed down as I was rubing his back and talking to him.

The other thing is, is my job. Sometimes I am there for bedtime, sometimes Im not. My husband can be on the same page as me, but he cannot physically lay down with him or attempt to rock him due to his weight and a bad back. I absolutely cannot get a different shift, I have tried. I am working on a new job now.

I can also be more patient and loving and affectionate during the day. If he wants to be held, Ill hold him. My husband feels like this is spoiling him but after I show him the studies and talk to him about it Im sure he will see where I am coming from. We dont mind personal sacrifice of sleep and discomfort for our sons well being. We really thought we were doing what was best for him.

Right now the routine is, sippy cup of milk and story time. Then we let him crawl upstairs to his room. We set him on the end of the crib (there is like a bureau attached), and brush his teeth, change his clothes and diaper, lotion, etc. Then lay him in his crib. He cries about 4 minutes and then is asleep.

We sing and hug and cuddle and it is nice, until he realizes it is bedtime. Then he starts crying and reaching for us, clinging to our clothes and not letting us go so we have to pry him from us. Its all very sad.

[Xerxella]

I was going to make the same suggestion Maluhia made. But, if standing by the crib rubbing his back and singing works that's fine, too. The point is to give him comfort as he falls asleep.

Couldn't you just hold him and sing and cuddle with him until he falls asleep and then put him down in the crib?

If he would get up and walk around, could you just keep bringing him back to bed and cuddling there til he fell asleep?

If it's only a few minutes of singing and back rubbing, would DH sign up for doing that?

If he has too bad of a back to lean over the crib could he just sit nearby and sing, hum or shush?

Just some ideas.

[Lisa1970]

How about family bed? Most kids seem to stay put when in bed with mom and dad. And I think this would be the quickest way to bring back trust and closeness. If you are worried about him leaving the room, put a safety gate in the door way.

Good luck! Sorry you are going through this!

[rachieface]

I sing, shush, and pat my son to help him fall asleep in his crib. Granted, we have been doing that since he was itty bitty so there wasn't any difficult transition there. If you are comforting him and he still needs to fuss for a little bit, that might be normal.... I know several babies that just need to wiggle around and make a little noise before they fall asleep. It isn't CIO if you are nearby comforting him!

[forbusmama]

Well today for both naps, I gave him his drink, and then went into the room. I held him and swayed back and forth, and he whined and pushed against me. I put him in his crib and rubbed his back and talked quietly to him and he cried and cried until he was red in the face. I picked him up and tried to rock him, and he pushed against me. He puts his arms on my chest and just pushes himself away. Me and my husband tried to soothe him for over a half hour, each nap (he takes 2). He did not calm down at all. When we left the room, it was less than 3 minutes and he had stopped crying and gone to sleep. He would stand up and put his arms up to me, and Id pick him up and as soon as I picked him up he wanted to be put down.

I just dont know what else to do. The family bed wont work, he crawls on us and wiggles and rolls way too much. He cries and fights more when we are there, than when he is alone.

I just wish I could go back and do things differently from the start. I wish I would have known...

[rhiOrion]

Could you put the crib up against your bed? Then he couldn't roll all over you, but you'd be right next to him? You could take the side off and pull it up as an extension of your bed, or if you think that he would move around too much for that, you could just put the full crib up to your bed. Maybe being next to you, but not actually being held would help? Perhaps he just doesn't like being held with when he's tired?

I'm just throwing out ideas, I have no idea if any of them are the case for your LO.

[homew/two]

Could you childproof his room, put up a baby gate at the door and lay a mattress on the floor. Then at bedtime you could both lay down on the mattress, read some books, lights off, cuddle sing etc then when he's asleep (or close to it) go sleep in your room?

[Anastasiya]

I'm confused. First you say that when you put him down he immediately wants to be back up in your arms and that he always wants to be held, but later you say when you hold him he pushes off you and wants to get back down. Can you clarify?

Also, FWIW, all of my kids, two were crib babies and two were cosleeping babies, went through a weird stage at around a year old where bedtime and naps suddenly became intense. They didn't want to go to bed. They knew it was time to sleep and they didn't want to. So I don't think what you did in the past really has anything to do with that.

Secondly, my second baby was just as you described yours to be. Very colicky, very upset, etc....DH and I would take turns bouncing him for hours at night just to get the crying to stop. He ended up being just like yours in that he would push away from us, wanted out of our arms, etc and just to be put down in that crib. He would fling himself toward it and arch his back in the direction of it, just because that's where he wanted to be. The crying didn't stop there but it was far, far less and he would wind down quickly (we stayed in the room with him, on the bed or something, because any contact from us like patting or rubbing him only made him more upset). He wanted his space, for whatever reasons. He also was a terrible cosleeper because he didn't want to be in that bed with us.

Anyway, long story short, he's a perfectly well adjusted kid now in spite of being so unhappy that first year. My thoughts are to give your baby what he needs during the day-the attachment, the cuddling, etc., and then give him what he needs at night, which in both our sons' cases seems to be very limited physical contact. Perhaps the holding, rocking, etc was too overstimulating for them when they were already so tired.

[littlebabydoll]

Two possible solutions for you that we use:

Sidecar the crib to your bed. That gives him the extra room. Also, make him sleep in a sleep sack. That deters the night walking or climbing on crib rails. We never had a dangerous incident and my son is now 20 months.

[forbusmama]

Originally Posted by Anastasiya

I'm confused. First you say that when you put him down he immediately wants to be back up in your arms and that he always wants to be held, but later you say when you hold him he pushes off you and wants to get back down. Can you clarify?

Also, FWIW, all of my kids, two were crib babies and two were cosleeping babies, went through a weird stage at around a year old where bedtime and naps suddenly became intense. They didn't want to go to bed. They knew it was time to sleep and they didn't want to. So I don't think what you did in the past really has anything to do with that.

Secondly, my second baby was just as you described yours to be. Very colicky, very upset, etc....DH and I would take turns bouncing him for hours at night just to get the crying to stop. He ended up being just like yours in that he would push away from us, wanted out of our arms, etc and just to be put down in that crib. He would fling himself toward it and arch his back in the direction of it, just because that's where he wanted to be. The crying didn't stop there but it was far, far less and he would wind down quickly (we stayed in the room with him, on the bed or something, because any contact from us like patting or rubbing him only made him more upset). He wanted his space, for whatever reasons. He also was a terrible cosleeper because he didn't want to be in that bed with us.

Anyway, long story short, he's a perfectly well adjusted kid now in spite of being so unhappy that first year. My thoughts are to give your baby what he needs during the day-the attachment, the cuddling, etc., and then give him what he needs at night, which in both our sons' cases seems to be very limited physical contact. Perhaps the holding, rocking, etc was too overstimulating for them when they were already so tired.

To clairfy, Im not sure he knows what he wants. He cries and stands at his crib, wants us to pick him up, and when we do pick him up he pushes away and wants to get down. I think what he really wants, is to get down and play. So I think, okay, maybe he is not tired. I put him down and he will plop down on the floor and cry as if to say "Thats NOT what I want!".

I can try the crib by the bed arrangement and see how that goes.

[LadyCatherine185]

It sounds like he is a sleep fighter. My DS is too.. he always pushed away from us when we tried to hold/rock him, but not because he wasn't tired or because he didn't want comfort, it was because he just didn't want to sleep!

You will have a bit of transitioning to do, and it may take a couple weeks before your DS catches on that comfort=good and = sleep. Could you just sit beside his crib and "shhh" and sing? Just keep saying over and over "it's time to sleep, I'm right here.." etc

another thought-- if he was so colicky, did you ever look into reflux for food allergies? That could be causing a lot of fussy/clingy behavior and trouble going to sleep.

He also may be ready to transition to one nap a day instead of two. When we did this with DS, he stopped fighting sleep so bad.