Can you suggest an alternative schedule?

[saffrongirl]

Dp and his ex are very amicable with each other and basically make their own schedule as they go along. She has the kids more than 50% of the time because he works full-time generally and has to get up very early in the morning. We live in the same town, a few miles away and there is a lot of flexibility with when the kids visit. Sounds nice, in theory, but I think it might be the root of some of our problems. I feel like there's no real clear-cut schedule and I never quite know when to mentally/physically prepare for when they will be here.

So right now we have the kids roughly every other evening (he takes them home for bed because he gets up so early for work in the morning) and then one weekend night overnight and into the next day. Of course he basically can get them whenever he wants - if he doesn't work during a weekday, he can pick them up have them.

I'm thinking having them for longer stints at a time might help - we can all sort of "get used" to a schedule. And then having them gone for longer stints could help too. Feels like we're a tennis game right now - back and forth, back and forth. How do we do that with his job though? And school? At this point, I'm not willing to drive them back and forth to school in the mornings if he's not here - I have a baby and my dd and we don't have a vehicle big enough for everyone right now.

[Casha'sMommy]

IME, as a step-child, step-parent, and parent; the kids tend to do better with a relaxed schedule in this particular instance. As the step-parent, I can see where you're coming from needing to prepare for the kids. It is something you must get prepared for mentally, physically, emotionally, and financially (you may need to hit the grocery store before they arrive).
However, from the perspective of the step-child/parent, schedules are for work/school/etc not for family. It absolutely sucks for the child to not be able to be with one parent or the other if they choose to be.
I do think there's a happy middle ground though. Have you discussed with your dh your need for a little more preparedness for the kids visits? If he doesn't know what you're thinking he can't possibly help you come up with a solution.

[Attached2Elijah]

Originally Posted by Casha'sMommy

IME, as a step-child, step-parent, and parent; the kids tend to do better with a relaxed schedule in this particular instance. As the step-parent, I can see where you're coming from needing to prepare for the kids. It is something you must get prepared for mentally, physically, emotionally, and financially (you may need to hit the grocery store before they arrive).
However, from the perspective of the step-child/parent, schedules are for work/school/etc not for family. It absolutely sucks for the child to not be able to be with one parent or the other if they choose to be.
I do think there's a happy middle ground though. Have you discussed with your dh your need for a little more preparedness for the kids visits? If he doesn't know what you're thinking he can't possibly help you come up with a solution.

As both a child of divorce and a step-mom, I could not agree more. It is great if a kid can see both parents when they want. It IS hard to prepare sometimes for an impromptu visit but the kids will always feel wanted and loved by both parents if this is possible. I don't see anything wrong with a little advanced warning though. Maybe have a 24 hour notice type of thing...

Also, I could suggest our schedule which works out really well for everyone involved most of the time since we, too, live close to my step-children and (for the most part) get along with BM... We do Tuesday and Thursday evenings from when they get off school until 8pm and then every other weekend. However, there are SEVERAL nights, especially during the summer they will spend the night with us on those Tuesday and Thursday nights... we are supposed to also have half the summer but we've never really enforced that just because it's a pain for EVERYONE involved and with them spending the nights when they want, we usually end up having them about half the summer anyway. I think loose schedules are much easier on the kids then a strict schedule.

We also have a every other year holiday schedule that we follow VERY loosely. Usually the kids like to stay with mom on Thanksgiving because they love her Mom's cooking so we let them stay there pretty much every year. Christmas we do follow but we do it so that if she has Christmas day, we have them the night before Christmas eve until 9pm on Christmas eve night and then we just treat Christmas eve as Christmas Day and plan accordingly with our families (since we usually host) ... The other Holidays we let the kids pretty much choose who they want to be with. Depending on who's doing what, they usually chose who's doing the more fun thing, lol.

I'm not really sure that I have a point... just wanted to give our experience, I guess. lol

[mtiger]

Originally Posted by saffrongirl

I'm thinking having them for longer stints at a time might help - we can all sort of "get used" to a schedule. And then having them gone for longer stints could help too. Feels like we're a tennis game right now - back and forth, back and forth. How do we do that with his job though? And school? At this point, I'm not willing to drive them back and forth to school in the mornings if he's not here - I have a baby and my dd and we don't have a vehicle big enough for everyone right now.

If you're wanting to change the schedule, this is an issue you're going to have to figure out a solution for.

How do Mom, Dad and the kids feel about how the current non-schedule works? I'm not discounting your feelings, but if all of them are cool with how things are now, then you're going to have more of an uphill battle. So having a solution for the largest pitfall will help swing them to your way of thinking.

One thought I do have, in terms of preparing for them to come... Do you have freezer space? Perhaps try to prep a few meals that you can either defrost/reheat (casseroles, stews, etc.) or have prepped to the point where they're easy to pull out and finish off (stir fries, marinated chicken breasts, pre-made patties or pre-browned ground beef/turkey, sauce, etc.) will make your mealtime prep a lot easier and less stressful when his kids are coming.

With my (son's - before he went to college)/daughter's and my work schedules, I try to do some up-front prep/cooking on a weekend so that I have a few things in the freezer to be pulled out. One night is call-in for pizza night - either one where the kids are all over, or one where I'm working late.

Look at other areas of your life where you might be able to streamline things so that having them with you is less stressful.

[greenemami]

We do every other weekend from Thursday after school until Monday before school and then Thursdays from after school to before school Friday on the "off" weeks. However, this wouldnl't really work if you can't take them to school (FWIW I don't often take dsd to school either b/c it involves packing up the two little ones and driving 20 min there and back and she has to be at the bus stop by 8:20 a.m., so I totally hear what you are saying there!!!).

Could you just set more of the days consistently? I would think it would be better for both sets of kids (stepkids and your bio-kids) to have a set schedule-I know that being consistent has been really helpful for us. You could do Mon/Wed. after school until bedtime and then maybe overnight on Friday to Saturday for example or EOW Friday through Sunday night plus a weekday night or two.

Good luck, I can see how it drives you crazy to never know who is coming or going.

[VocalMinority]

It sounds like, currently, he only exercises parenting time when he's off work, right? So I'm going to assume that, for the most part, he's not leaving his kids for you to watch, without him. I understand that you'd like to be able to "prepare mentally" for how many children will be running around your home. That's understandable. But it also sounds like the arrangement you came into works, for both him and his ex. Not only is it fairly unusual to have such flexibility and goodwill between divorced parents, but it's really nice for both of them and their kids.

I don't think you should rock the boat, unless your DP and his ex start expecting you to watch the kids while they're both at work, with little notice and no regular schedule. Then - like any non-parent childcare provider - you would have every right to say, "Hey, I'm happy to watch the kids, but I need some predictability in my schedule!"

I'd bet that the flexibility makes your DP feel like his kids live with him and switching to a set schedule would make him feel restricted, like he's "only allowed" to see them at certain times. Maybe it would help if you could try to make yourself look at things the same way. Rather than feeling like you live with DP and your baby - but you guys host his kids, when they "visit" - try to come around to the concept that you live in a houseful of kids, but you get a quiet reprieve every now and then, when some of them go visit their Mom.

[PoppyMama]

I think Jeannine is dead on.

[aricha]

I also think Jeanine is (as usual) right on.

Also, if you aren't willing/able to take the kids to school, I can't really see a way the schedule could change.

[pinksprklybarefoot]

I'll be the voice of dissent, here.

We have a very regular schedule (week on/week off), and it really works for us. It is so much easier for everyone.

DSD's mom recently got involved with a man who has a more relaxed schedule - the kids come and go daily. The way she tells it, their house is so discombobulated. It seems like it makes things even more difficult.

I realize that the the kids of a blended family didn't sign up for it, but the reality is that if their parents divorce, they will probably meet new people. At some point, the good of the family as a whole needs to be taken into account. A flexible schedule can be a godsend when the break-up is new/the kids are young, but at some point, it is not unexpected for everyone to need longer stretches between transitions.

[saffrongirl]

Sorry I'm a bit late to respond. End of summer equals not a lot of down time around here...

Anyway, I guess I mostly asked because when posting with other concerns we've had (kids having a hard time adjusting to different household rules, etc.), people have suggested having a different/more set visitation schedule. Yes, it would be helpful for me to be able to prepare mentally as I said in my OP, but based on what others have suggested in the past, it might also be more helpful for the kids.

But it sounds like people are saying it's good for the kids to have the flexibility to "bounce back and forth" as they want/need? Is this true when the parents live close to each other? Or was I reading previous suggestions wrongly?

[aricha]

Originally Posted by saffrongirl

But it sounds like people are saying it's good for the kids to have the flexibility to "bounce back and forth" as they want/need? Is this true when the parents live close to each other? Or was I reading previous suggestions wrongly?

I imagine it depends a lot on the parents and the kids in the situation. There are some kids for whom a more predictable schedule works better and some who are fine with a looser schedule. There are some co-parents who have a relationship that allows the flexibility to work and some that don't. There are probably even times that it would work for some kids and times it would not work for the same child.

Sorry for the non-answer, but I think there are not really any rules about what is better or worse... it all depends on the situation and the players involved.