Explaining your homebirth decision.... after the fact?

[waitingmama]

I generally try to avoid saying I intentionally gave birth at home (twice) to other women because I have had so many people I hardly know tell me "Wow, that's risky/ dangerous/ self indulgent/ weird/ hillbilly"... the list goes on. I usually just get offended at being judged so quickly and try to change the topic.

Out of curiosity, how do you veteran hb moms deal with (or avoid) such comments?

[homemademom]

I haven't heard much judgment from people about my hbs. Maybe it's because, in my area, it seems like most people have at least one friend or relative who has given birth at home. I do hear, "You're so brave. I would die without an epidural." I just laugh and say, "Yeah, I didn't exactly enjoy pushing," or something like that. Rarely do they seem to want to probe further about the safety, my research, motivations, etc. If they did, I would just talk about the cascade of interventions, assure them that my mw is well trained, and I'm close to a hospital, etc. I think I get less flak because I'm getting to be an "older" mom nowadays and because I've had 3 babies at home.

Do you get the feeling that people want to discuss it more and just don't know how, or are they just spouting their bias?

[AZgirl2207]

For me, it depends on who is around. Sometimes you can get a feel on if they are really interested in your experience/want information or just want to spout their story about how 'they would have DIED! without XYZ in the hospital' Most people I talk to are unaware that someone like me (college degree, middle class) would choose HB and want to understand why.

Practicing what to say to the pushy people beforehand helps me (I can't seem to think of anything witty until too late!) My stock replies are 'humm, interesting...what's good at the movies?' and 'no one have ever gotten MSRA from my house'

[*MamaJen*]

I'm lucky. I live in a city where homebirth is really common. I talk about it quite freely. I try to leave my soap box at home when I'm going to cocktail parties, but in general I openly talk about homebirth and I'm happy to go on...and on...and on about it if people are interested. I don't think I've ever gotten a really negative response. And if I did, well, I've spent the past four years learning about it, and I can definitely hold my own in a debate.

[Galatea]

I have never gotten a bad reaction, but I think I intimidate people. And I never present it as painful or bad (b/c it wasn't for me.) I present birth as a positive experience b/c I feel a need to counter all the anti-birth hoopla out there.

[waitingmama]

Thanks for your responses, very encouraging.

I do think where you live makes a difference. I just moved from the Lexington area of Kentucky, where every other person has had a home birth, to Dayton Ohio which seems to be more conventional in general. Like AZgirl said, I've had half a dozen women tell me they/baby would have died at home (and that's all in a few weeks time). Perhaps finding a nice La Leche group would give me a respite from the criticism!

[Comtessa]

Home birth is very uncommon in our area too. Our HB ended up in transfer, so I've had to deal not only with other people's birth stories ("I would have DIED") but also their interpretations of my own: "See, YOU would have DIED!!!" . For the record, no, I just would have been really, really, really tired.

[mommathea]

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Edited by mommathea - 5/11/11 at 4:39pm

[Joyster]

I'm just a rookie having given birth at home this week. I can't say I've heard any bad feedback. My inlaws and mom were wondering when I was going to check into the hospital or bring the baby for a visit to the doctor. That said, I kept my desire really low key towards a lot of my friends because they all think it's nuts to not be in a hospital just in case. I can understand that POV being an ultra cautious person (I'm a Capricorn).

I think I wouldn't explain the home birth other than to say how successful and wonderful it was for you and your baby. Lather, rinse, repeat.

[Turquesa]

The secret lies in how you handle the judgment. If YOU know that you're not a hillbilly, "brave," hippy-dippy who care more about birth experiences than babies...that's all that matters, and nobody can say anything to change that fact. Knowing that alone gives you the confidence to deal with people calmly while starting your sentences with "actually." "Actually, the best available studies show that it's safe," "actually, my MW was trained in neonatal resuscitation," "actually, they left my house cleaner than any hotel maids could have done."

I'm just the opposite of you though. I'm such a "missionary" to the cause of letting women know that they do have other birth options. So I always let it "drop" in conversations that I had a home birth, hoping that it baits people to ask me more questions about it. I don't force the topic, but I do invite it. Changing the birth culture is a grassroots endeavor, after all!

[miss_nikki]

Part of it is who you are talking to. I actually moved from the Dayton area to Lexington. It took me a bit to find other women here who had a home birth. I know lots of ladies who've had home births in that area. I myself had a home birth there and just had one here. If you're looking for some like minded mama's let me know. I can get you in touch with some. There are a lot of LLL groups in the area too. My best friend and some of my other friends are leaders up there. They'd be more than happy to welcome you.

[waitingmama]

Thanks miss nikki! Just sent you a message with a few questions if you don't mind...

[donutmolly]

It's amazing the variety of opinions you can get just based on where you are and who you're talking to -- after DD1 was born, I was part of a mama/baby group where at least 1/3 of the women had c-secs, and only a couple had attempted non-medicated births. I heard the "I/baby would have died" stories all.the.time!

I currently live in the same state, about 60 miles away from where DD1 was born, and I'd say between 25 and 40% of women here have HB's... yes, it's a very unusually crunchy small town. But even when I moved here, I didn't know any other women who had homebirthed, and the mama/baby group I joined was much more "normal" in our birth stats... but since then the same group has morphed into about 50% HB's -- and the hosp. births are almost all mama's that had prior c-secs and did not have a VBAC option locally. Of course, I never got the same sort of incredulity about my HB's here, the usual response was... oh yeah, my friend just had her baby at home, or who was your MW...

[AustinMom]

Originally Posted by Comtessa

Home birth is very uncommon in our area too. Our HB ended up in transfer, so I've had to deal not only with other people's birth stories ("I would have DIED") but also their interpretations of my own: "See, YOU would have DIED!!!" . For the record, no, I just would have been really, really, really tired.

I get exactly this. That's just with people who know I'm a VBAC. But the 'scarry' things yes. I usually say, for me, it's MUCH riskier to go to a hospital and birth, especially because I am a VBAC here in Austin. But I think any mom can use that line VBAC or not. The studies that are out on HB safety are not up to date, and while HB safety has remained the same, hospital birth has not, and it is by FAR riskier than any of the studies out there compare. This is just IMO of course, but I'm a pretty vocal advocate, and I can go on and on about how well taken care of I am with my MW compared to any OB I know of, and how much safer I feel with them than with a hospital staff who will inevitably look at me as a 'patient' and not a birthing woman.

[momasana]

I have received comments across the board, but for the most part they have been positive and supportive. I know that my choices have influenced other mothers to evaluate their choices, and a few have even gone on to have HB's themselves, which is awesome.

Whenever I get comments questioning my choices I just say "Women birth best where they are comfortable, and for me that was at home." If they continue to ask questions (which has happened) I'm happy to share my expereinces/research/reasoning/etc. I don't care if they think I'm crazy, I know that I'm not.

[Lizbiz]

I'm kind of into talking about my two homebirths (one with Midwife, one unassisted) because I know people need to hear there's more than one way to give birth. Especially young women and mothers who plan to have more kids. So many people are curious when they hear about the homebirth - and I've had great conversations. I am enthusiastic about it and I do make sure to underscore the fact that these were very well thought out and very carefully discerned decisions based on evidence and fact - not just our whim to give birth at home or our fear of doctors/hospitals.

If I do sense that folks are either not interested or are simply tight-lipped and not expressing their disapproval of our decisions - I just back off quickly and change the subject. I do not worry if people disapprove of our decision - it's a free country. I had two great births that were safe and gentle - the end. Their disapproval does nothing to diminish those experiences. Too bad for them not being open to learning that homebirth can be so great!

I tend to be thought of as a very level headed person in general though - so most people who know me at all tend to assume I've thought things through. When people find out I've had homebirths - they tend to be more curious than anything - and darn impressed with my husband who caught our baby girl like a pro!

[Lit Chick]

I have gotten a lot of negative reaction, but I'm OK with that - I see it as a chance to gently educate. When my BF had her HB, I thought she was insane. I told her and our other friends that when I had kids, I would be sure to get drugs, yadda yadda. I freaked out when I saw her birth video - it terrified me. And then when I did get pregnant, I remembered how she had the best birth story - of all the women I knew, she was proud and happy and excited, instead of the list of complaints ending it "but it was worth it when I saw him/her". And she had a long hard labor and PPH!

So, I went from being a woman who was afraid of the possible pain, complications, etc and was expecting a totally medicated birth to a total HB convert.

Now, when people ask, I often get shocked curiosity, and many stories about how someone they knew needed a c-section, and what if, blah blah. I always say that it's a wonderful thing that we have hospitals, for situations like they just described, and if there was a complication my birth team would take me to the hosp right away. The truly curious will then ask "but how would they know?" and a conversation begins.

I will still get a lot of "I would never do that!" but I remember that was me once. Maybe one of the women I've talked to will remember my stories when it's her turn to birth and investigate all the options. DH already had success in that arena via Facebook - he shared our story with a girl he knew in HS, and she said it helped give her confidence to pursue a natural birth (wich was successful last month)!