I've created a monster

[bodhitree]

My 16mo DD is driving me nuts. She wants my constant, undivided attention and is usually not willing (or able?) to entertain herself for more than a minute or two. When I try to wash dishes or cook dinner, I can work for about a minute and a half before she starts fussing, crying, and grabbing at me. Sometimes wearing her on my back helps, but sometimes it doesn't, and I have one bad shoulder that is currently being made worse by cosleeping and side-lying nursing, so wearing her is not always comfortable for me. I try to distract and redirect her by giving her different things to play with, putting on music, opening the back door so she can go outside...all of those things only help for a couple of minutes, then she's back to grabbing at me and yelling. I've also made sure that she gets plenty of my attention at other times. Every day, we spend lots of time playing in her room, sitting in the rocker and reading books, and doing other things together that she enjoys. So it's not like I'm expecting her to just go along with my agenda all day every day, but I do need her to be able to entertain herself sometimes!

I got "Positive Discipline for the First Three Years" out of the library, hoping for some help, but that book basically says that if your child is "demanding and dependent," it's because of cosleeping. So even though I know that's BS, I'm still worried, in the back of my mind, that my very responsive parenting up until this point has made her this way. For what it's worth, she's always been on the high-needs end of the spectrum. But I'm sure lots of people would say that's just because I've allowed her to be that way.

Can I get some advice and perspective from experienced mamas? What should I do when she seems to be doing her very best to prevent me from getting done what needs to be done? Is this normal, or have I managed to spoil my kid?

[Lil'M]

Dd2 was really similar and because Dd1 was pretty easy going as a baby/toddler, I knew it wasn't my parenting style, but just her personality. Don't blame yourself. She is "demanding" what she needs because she is just a more intense personality and needs more from you now. I will say that at this point (9 1/2 years old), she is a very loving, delightful child who is quite independent but still attached. I think if I didn't respond to her high needs when she was younger, she would not be as well adjusted now.

To get things done, I had to be really creative about my time. For dinner, we ate a lot of one dish meals (lasagna, quiche, crock pot stew, etc.) that could be made ahead at a more convenient time ie: first thing in the a.m. when she was still sleeping, on the weekend, etc. Even now, I have the habit of prepping tomorrow's dinner after cleaning up tonight's dinner, because at that time everyone is happy and fed and dh keeps everyone out of my way.

I did wear my dd2 a lot. My backpack carrier got a lot of miles on it, even inside the house. I remember folding laundry on the dining room table with her on my back because she otherwise WOULD NOT let me do it. I know you can't wear it too much because of the pain, but maybe just saving it for when you really need to get things done.

For night nursing, she's big enough to do other positions besides side lying if it is painful for you. Can she crawl over to your breast and nurse from on top?

One thing I found about nighttime is that she woke up MORE because she was next to me. So we put a mattress on her floor and I would nurse her to sleep. If I didn't fall asleep then I could sneak out to my room and she would sleep a lot longer before her next awakening.

Hope some of these tips work for you!

[pinky]

She is so little. 16 months is basically just a baby that can walk around. You haven't created a monster in any way--everything you've described sounds totally normal for a child of that age. It's just that our cultural norms for small child behavior are so screwed up!

[BellaClaudia]

I totally agree with the previous poster. I know how it feels as my DD was just as you described. She was very attached and very smart and she just wanted me all the time. The 16 mo is not the age that she can play so much on her own, just it was not case in our case.
I learned to work around it as sometime it was just as frustrating.
As much as I don't like too much tv I realized that the playing a dvd while
I had to cook dinner or do the loundry was not too much of a damage
and especially since I discovered smart baby dvds , there is whole bunch of those series, baby genius baby einstein etc.. and they are really just showing
the life objects, places and words so that is not like watching some brain numbing cartoons.. also we like dora as it is just very peaceful series.

My little one would just watch a dvd while I wouild do something I needed
since I had no access to any mother's helper, family member or anybody who
could just accompany her as for her it was sometime about me playing with her and osmetimes about me being just next to her.

I respected her need but then again, I had to do something sometime and this was the lesser evil.

I also bought the thing that would allow her to play in the kitchen
while I was cooking and so she could mix something or mess with
something on the countertop or draw or whatever or finger paint
right next to me and she could see all the action so she would not
be left behind and of course my arms were killing me to hold her close
allt he time.

http://www.google.com/search?sourcei...learning+tower

this thing was pricy to begin with but worth every penny for us. I sold it
subsequently for 3/4 of the original price so it was really good solution.

Hope this helps and again, you did not create monster, you just have a child with certain type of personality, besides you are great mom and you
provided her lots of attention and care. It is just that we live in the
socitety where moms are oftentimes alone all day and have no tribal
help of another pair of hands to entertain or take care of a baby while
mother does anyting and carrying a child is not an option for ev eryone
(I haver really bad back problems).


I know how frustrating it feels at times but then again this is really natural and normal for a baby to want mother all the time at this age still.

She wants you because you are providing all love, care security and
she wants to learn from you.

It will change. When she will be developmentally ready to play longer then you can utilize this. Till then try to work around it keeping your sanity.

Hugs.

[Violet2]

No it's just the age. She loves you, you are the most entertaining person/toy in her life. Nothing else is as much fun as you.

I did this hidden surprises thing and it worked rather well (although you can't use it all the time or it gets old).

As for cooking, if you are okay with a mess, hook her up with a mixing bowl on the floor (unless you have a learning tower) and some water and measuring cups and a few toys. You'll have a lot of water on the floor (put down towels) but she'll let you cook dinner.

Another good idea is a sensory box with birdseed or rice.

16 months is a little young for this, but for DD, I saved all my empty spice jars. I fill them with flour and sugar and then gave DD old cookie sprinkles. Add water and some mixing cups and DD makes 'muffins' with me. Again, it makes a mess (Sprinkles all over the floor along with sugar) but no whining and clinging.

The key to 16 months is 'bright shiny object parenting'. You need to have, at all times, at least 3 ideas of really really interesting things for her to do to keep her busy. This keeps you one step ahead and keeps her from trying to climb inside your skin.


V

[healthy momma]

Originally Posted by Violet2

As for cooking, if you are okay with a mess, hook her up with a mixing bowl on the floor (unless you have a learning tower) and some water and measuring cups and a few toys.

I highly recommend the learning tower. I waited until DS was 18 months not sure if it would be worth the money but after getting it I wished I'd gotten it a couple months earlier. He LOVED being up at the counter with me. It changed food prep time from a major headache to a lot of fun.

[LynnS6]

Just wanted to chime in that it's not you, it's the age. 18 months is the peak age for separation anxiety for many kids -- and in my experience 14-20 months are the 'bad' periods.

You've gotten lots of great ideas. I just wanted to say: Don't worry, she'll outgrow it. The other thing is that don't be afraid of her crying. Your job is shifting from meeting her every need to helping her distinguish her needs from her wants. Right now they feel the same to her, and she's got some very powerful emotions associated with those wants. Your job is now to help her through those powerful emotions, rather than stop everything you're doing to prevent crying.

[Summersquash]

Oh, my DD was like that too. I have to say that at 21 months it has gotten a LOT better. She can entertain herself for a short while as long as I am in the same room.

Everyone else's ideas were great. I also found that just talking with her and narrating what I was doing had interest for her. Such as, Mama is making our lunch now. Here's Mama taking out the bread for a sandwich. Now Mama is getting out some sliced turkey. Would you like to eat some turkey for your lunch, too? Around that age I think my DD would sit in the kitchen, fuss about in the cabinet of plastic bowls and odds and ends that I made for her, and "chat" back to me for 5 minutes or so while I made lunch or whatever.

It DOES get better though.

[kittywitty]

It's not about being AP, IME, but just personality. My 4th is this way and it is ROUGH. Good luck, OP!

[meemee]

this is NORMAL. way over the top normal.

plese remember she is getting ready to hit 18 months which is a HUGE time of change for many kids. it is a HUGE developmental milestone time coming up. physical mental and even speech explosions.

this is the philosophy i worked with.

my dd needs nurturing after being in a soft cozy warm place for 9 months. after she is born she needs to feel that comfort. now her personality will guide her how long she needs that. 2 years? 5 years? 7 years? i know if i give it to her NOW she is set for life.

and that's exactly what happened. the child who would not even allow an inch between us is now not just an independent kid, but super confident too.

we STILL cosleep and still nurse. but for her group of friends she stands out at how she can handle life much better when her friends reduce to tears or fear.

[swd12422]

No, you haven't created a monster! My son was the same way from infanthood til around 2-2.5. He's only just recently started "leaving me alone" and it only lasts for a few minutes. The difference is that now he is big enough to stand on a step stool and watch without getting into too much trouble while I work, so I can cook. I don't know if this is something you can/want to try, but could she stand on a chair next to you and play with frozen peas or something while you cook? DS usually gets his own little bowl, spoon and measuring cups, and a little bit of whatever I'm making (flour, spices, usually the dry stuff or the stuff that's edible raw) and he can mix, pour and eat as I make dinner.

At that age, he was just starting to figure things out and wanted to "help" or do it himself a lot, so this helps him feel that he is participating and not left out.

[nextcommercial]

That's an age where they really like company. They like to have other kids to play with. (although, that can become a monster too, with all the bickering they do at this age too)

Toddlers just have so much energy, and not a lot of ways to get it out of their system. It's no fun to play alone.

It sounds insane, but is there anybody who might be looking for a stay at home mom to watch one other toddler for half days? Maybe you could post something on Craigslist. Especially if the other child/children are only there a couple days a week, or half days. It gives your daughter the social outlet (plus the fighting... don't forget the shrieking fights) And, then she's tired by naptime.

Eventually they work out their arguments. But, they love each other and have so much fun. Having more than one, gives you some down time.

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by Lil'M

Dd2 was really similar and because Dd1 was pretty easy going as a baby/toddler, I knew it wasn't my parenting style, but just her personality. Don't blame yourself. She is "demanding" what she needs because she is just a more intense personality and needs more from you now. I will say that at this point (9 1/2 years old), she is a very loving, delightful child who is quite independent but still attached. I think if I didn't respond to her high needs when she was younger, she would not be as well adjusted now.

To get things done, I had to be really creative about my time. For dinner, we ate a lot of one dish meals (lasagna, quiche, crock pot stew, etc.) that could be made ahead at a more convenient time

<snip>

I did wear my dd2 a lot. My backpack carrier got a lot of miles on it, even inside the house. I remember folding laundry on the dining room table with her on my back because she otherwise WOULD NOT let me do it. I know you can't wear it too much because of the pain, but maybe just saving it for when you really need to get things done.

I could have written this, save for my intense one is 4 now, and my easygoing one was a son 2 yrs older.

I wore DD at least 3-4 hours a day, upwards of 8 hours sometimes, from about 6 months through 16-18 months. Now at 4 years old, she is still attached to me, but separates easily and occupies herself when necessary, etc. etc. I do however also agree with Lynn above who said she's getting to the age where you're going to start to want to gently nudge her from want=need to learning to wait sometimes, even if she's unhappy about it. And beleive me, my daughter was VOCALLY unhappy about some things, but such is the way of growing up.

Hang in there!!

[nina_yyc]

Can you try to ease her into playing alone when you are not doing anything especially pressing and work up to longer periods of time? Not sure if it would work but possibly worth a try. DD just sat on the kitchen counter with her back on a cabinet and watched at that age.

I think personality has tons to do with it...DD was super clingy and DS is totally chill so far, and both co-slept. Is it possible though that the cosleeping criticism triggers something for you, since you are nursing your baby in a way that is uncomfortable and affects your heath? I didn't nightwean until 2yo but in retrospect I think it was because of my own guilt and DD might have been ready earlier. You know your child and you know your own body so I'm not going to give you any advice, just putting nightweaning on the table.

[bodhitree]

Thank you so much, mamas. It means a lot to me to have someplace where I can come for feedback where I don't have to worry about people recommending harsh, punitive, or otherwise unacceptable methods of dealing with this kind of issue. And it helps a LOT to hear that so many others have had this kind of experience too.

Originally Posted by Lil'M

Dd2 was really similar and because Dd1 was pretty easy going as a baby/toddler, I knew it wasn't my parenting style, but just her personality. Don't blame yourself. She is "demanding" what she needs because she is just a more intense personality and needs more from you now. I will say that at this point (9 1/2 years old), she is a very loving, delightful child who is quite independent but still attached. I think if I didn't respond to her high needs when she was younger, she would not be as well adjusted now.

To get things done, I had to be really creative about my time. For dinner, we ate a lot of one dish meals (lasagna, quiche, crock pot stew, etc.) that could be made ahead at a more convenient time ie: first thing in the a.m. when she was still sleeping, on the weekend, etc. Even now, I have the habit of prepping tomorrow's dinner after cleaning up tonight's dinner, because at that time everyone is happy and fed and dh keeps everyone out of my way.

Thanks for the reassurance that it's just her personality and not anything about me. And yeah, I need to get a lot better again about prepping meals ahead of time. I'm going to work that into my menu planning and try to do as much chopping, etc ahead of time as I can.

Originally Posted by pinky

She is so little. 16 months is basically just a baby that can walk around. You haven't created a monster in any way--everything you've described sounds totally normal for a child of that age. It's just that our cultural norms for small child behavior are so screwed up!

Yes! Thank you. The only other young children in my family belong to my brother and SIL, who push their kids into independence super-early and basically just shout and punish them into submission when they're acting out because their needs aren't being met. I'm the only one in my family who has a problem with that. It's hard sometimes to have the confidence to go against the way that most people in our culture and in my family think you should do things.

Originally Posted by BellaClaudia

I learned to work around it as sometime it was just as frustrating.
As much as I don't like too much tv I realized that the playing a dvd while
I had to cook dinner or do the loundry was not too much of a damage
and especially since I discovered smart baby dvds , there is whole bunch of those series, baby genius baby einstein etc.. and they are really just showing
the life objects, places and words so that is not like watching some brain numbing cartoons.. also we like dora as it is just very peaceful series.

My little one would just watch a dvd while I wouild do something I needed
since I had no access to any mother's helper, family member or anybody who
could just accompany her as for her it was sometime about me playing with her and osmetimes about me being just next to her.

I respected her need but then again, I had to do something sometime and this was the lesser evil.

I also bought the thing that would allow her to play in the kitchen
while I was cooking and so she could mix something or mess with
something on the countertop or draw or whatever or finger paint
right next to me and she could see all the action so she would not
be left behind and of course my arms were killing me to hold her close
allt he time.

http://www.google.com/search?sourcei...learning+tower

this thing was pricy to begin with but worth every penny for us. I sold it
subsequently for 3/4 of the original price so it was really good solution.

I've been really against any TV for my DD so far, but honestly, when I have an awful day and I just need us both to sit quietly and do nothing, I do put on some TV for us to watch. It would probably make more sense to get out ahead of it and let her watch a little so I can get things done BEFORE I start flipping out. And I really want one of those Learning Tower things. I was thinking it would be good for Christmas, but I probably can't make it that long without it, so hopefully in the next couple of months we'll be able to afford it.

Originally Posted by Violet2

The key to 16 months is 'bright shiny object parenting'. You need to have, at all times, at least 3 ideas of really really interesting things for her to do to keep her busy. This keeps you one step ahead and keeps her from trying to climb inside your skin.

V

That's a good way of putting it. I already do try to distract her with bright shiny objects, I just get tired of having to find a new one every minute or two. But I just need to accept that that's how it is for now.

Originally Posted by LynnS6

Just wanted to chime in that it's not you, it's the age. 18 months is the peak age for separation anxiety for many kids -- and in my experience 14-20 months are the 'bad' periods.

You've gotten lots of great ideas. I just wanted to say: Don't worry, she'll outgrow it. The other thing is that don't be afraid of her crying. Your job is shifting from meeting her every need to helping her distinguish her needs from her wants. Right now they feel the same to her, and she's got some very powerful emotions associated with those wants. Your job is now to help her through those powerful emotions, rather than stop everything you're doing to prevent crying.

Thank you, that's a really great perspective. I do try to talk her through it, for example: "I know you're frustrated because you want me to stop washing the dishes and play with you. I'm sorry you're frustrated, but I need to work for another minute." I figure that even if she doesn't completely understand the words, it isn't too soon to start talking about emotions and setting boundaries on what I am willing/able to do for her. I have to admit the crying is hard for me to take, though.

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

That's an age where they really like company. They like to have other kids to play with. (although, that can become a monster too, with all the bickering they do at this age too)

Toddlers just have so much energy, and not a lot of ways to get it out of their system. It's no fun to play alone.

It sounds insane, but is there anybody who might be looking for a stay at home mom to watch one other toddler for half days? Maybe you could post something on Craigslist. Especially if the other child/children are only there a couple days a week, or half days. It gives your daughter the social outlet (plus the fighting... don't forget the shrieking fights) And, then she's tired by naptime.

Eventually they work out their arguments. But, they love each other and have so much fun. Having more than one, gives you some down time.

I do have one really good friend with a daughter about the same age. We do frequent playdates, and the mom is looking for a part-time job, in which case I would be watching her daughter for a couple hours a day. I hope it works out! She has bills she needs to pay, and it would be good to have another little one around some of the time.

Originally Posted by nina_yyc

Can you try to ease her into playing alone when you are not doing anything especially pressing and work up to longer periods of time? Not sure if it would work but possibly worth a try. DD just sat on the kitchen counter with her back on a cabinet and watched at that age.

I think personality has tons to do with it...DD was super clingy and DS is totally chill so far, and both co-slept. Is it possible though that the cosleeping criticism triggers something for you, since you are nursing your baby in a way that is uncomfortable and affects your heath? I didn't nightwean until 2yo but in retrospect I think it was because of my own guilt and DD might have been ready earlier. You know your child and you know your own body so I'm not going to give you any advice, just putting nightweaning on the table.

Thanks for being sensitive about offering sleep advice. Most people are so quick with the advice that I really appreciate it when people are sensitive about that. You are so right that the cosleeping criticism triggers some strong feelings for me. Mostly I think it's because DD has always been a terrible sleeper, and I feel like I've gotten a lot of blame (both silent and not-so-silent) for that. Most people think that if we just didn't cosleep and let her CIO instead, she would be a great sleeper. They don't understand that the reason we cosleep and nurse at night is BECAUSE she is a terrible sleeper and that's the way we all get the best sleep. I hate being so tired all the time and then having to deal with people telling me (or at least thinking at me loudly enough that I can hear ) that it's because I'm doing everything wrong.

We actually did try night-weaning for a while. It was great for me, since DH did most of the nighttime duties and I got to sleep instead. It wasn't so great for him, since DD was awake for 2-3 hours in the middle of the night almost every night. So yeah, for now I'm just trying to minimize the damage to my shoulder by nursing on the other side about 90% of the time, which helps a lot.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that the reason this whole thing was bothering me so much was because I was having such a crisis of self-doubt about my decisions. So it helped a ton to have you all chime in and reassure me that it's just normal and my parenting style did not create this. Thanks again, everyone.

[Iucounu]

You've spoiled her

It's not as bad as it sounds, really-- it's just that she has learned that she instantly gets what she wants, you, by complaining. It's obviously not separation anxiety, since she is right next to you when you're trying to cook, etc. Nor is this sort of whining behavior the natural behavior of a loving child; she quite simply has you wrapped around her little finger.

These problems happen when parents try to be too good to their kids. It's not that you're a bad mother, at all. But you need to realize that it's good for her to be more independent, and so you are actually not doing the right thing by instantly giving in to her every whim.

The fix is quite simple. Simply don't respond when she tries to control you in this way; don't scold her, or even pay her attention. Of course, she should have something else to play with at the time. When she screeches, simply don't respond. When she shows any tendency to start amusing herself, reward her with praise.

You have to be absolutely consistent in order to train her out of this sort of behavior. If you're not, and break down occasionally, it can take 10-20 times longer, or even more, to train her out of it-- that's because she will keep testing you, to see if this time is the lucky time she can still control you.

[Maiasaura]

Originally Posted by bodhitree

I'm still worried, in the back of my mind, that my very responsive parenting up until this point has made her this way. For what it's worth, she's always been on the high-needs end of the spectrum. But I'm sure lots of people would say that's just because I've allowed her to be that way.

Um, no. You didn't. Allow her to be this way, I mean. You're doing just fine, and she's just being the 16mo old that she is

Originally Posted by Lil'M

I knew it wasn't my parenting style, but just her personality. Don't blame yourself. She is "demanding" what she needs because she is just a more intense personality and needs more from you now. I will say that at this point (9 1/2 years old), she is a very loving, delightful child who is quite independent but still attached. I think if I didn't respond to her high needs when she was younger, she would not be as well adjusted now.

This.
My ds is 9-1/2 now and I could have posted Lil'M's post, verbatim!

Originally Posted by pinky

She is so little. 16 months is basically just a baby that can walk around. You haven't created a monster in any way--everything you've described sounds totally normal for a child of that age. It's just that our cultural norms for small child behavior are so screwed up!

I didn't even go through the whole thread. 'Nuff said. ITA about your dd being just a baby who's going through what she's going through.

I might advise getting a Kelty, or other backpack, that has the hip support thingy. It makes a HUGE difference and it totally eliminated shoulder and back pain!!

You are doing a FINE job, mama. She's just a baby, acting like a baby. A high-need one, but a baby all the same!
Maybe Louise Bates Ames' books will help? I only started reading them from "Your Three Year Old", but she has one for every age, named the same way. They describe perfectly age-appropriate behavior in those books. Made me feel totally normal.
Hang in there, mama

[mamaofthree]

16 months is still just a baby. in fact having had 5 children all who have been 16 months by now... they don't really play alone.
i wouldn't recommend ignoring her at all. maybe having her "help" you when doing the dishes or letting her wash carrots when you cook. i have noticed they tend to want to be helpful at that age, sort of do what you are doing. and sometime.. the dishes have to wait and the dinner is a little late. lol
((hugs)) it does get better, they get more independent, but that is not now. i mean she can't do all sorts of things for herself yet.
you can't be "too good" to your kids. what it is called when you respond to them is parenting. it is a 24/7 job. and children are not puppies, they don't need training... they need parenting and love and attention. what they need is to be dependent especially at 16 months. they learn interdependence. which is a good thing.

h

[Iucounu]

Sorry, but no

Continuing to instantly give in to this particular child's demands, dropping everything to accommodate her every whim, will make the problem worse. No child needs to be instantly tended to every time she screeches, for any reason. The OP started this thread in the knowledge that she had contributed to the situation (she quite obviously has). Neither of my two children has had such issues.

Will this child turn out to be a sociopath, or have other serious issues because she was allowed to continue to wrap her mother around her little finger? Most likely not; but there's no benefit in it whatsoever. The child is being encouraged in an overly anxious behavior pattern, which is having consequences for the parent as well.

One could of course justify any overly demanding behavior as a kid just "needing more love". I understand that a lot of you are coming at this from a perspective of some popular reading on attachment theory etc., but in this case the child is simply being overly demanding.

[sebandg'smama]

One more voice encouraging you through this stage of childhood!
Having 2 children, I too echo the statement that temperament places a big part!

During that stage our quality of suppers dropped. Or we ate later when my dh came home from work and cooked.

-Melanie