Is being a mom "enough"? - Page 5

[lolar2]

Originally Posted by mammal_mama

I also wanted to add that I think one positive aspect of our current technological revolution, and corresponding economic crisis, is that there will be more and more of a shift from working in an office to working at home.

It saves employers a tremendous amount of overhead cost -- and it also saves employees the cost and time-investment of driving to and from work and keeping up a professional wardrobe.

Not to mention that all our "water cooler breaktime chit chat" is with our families.

There is that, but at least in our family it means higher housing costs. I don't know if that is a widespread problem for WAHPs or not.

[CatsCradle]

So, in a sense, our technical revolution may be brining us full-circle -- back to a more family-friendly way of life.

I agree with this. Before the so-called technical revolution (personal computers; internet; etc.), my profession was relegated strictly to an office. I have a lot of freedom and flexibility as a result of technology. I think it puts me in a much better position than I would have been, say, 15 to 20 years ago. It is funny, but a lot of the old-schoolers in my profession still haven't made the mental leap. Not to be morbid, but once they have retired, the dynamic will change even more.

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by lolar2

There is that, but at least in our family it means higher housing costs. I don't know if that is a widespread problem for WAHPs or not.

Yes, we are running our computers a lot more now, and we are also needing a second phone line because of a one-to-two hour overlap where dh and I are both on the phone and both our employers want us to use land lines.

In March I'm going to switch my availabilities to early mornings (I had set my availabilities for a year in advance and actually have some lessons scheduled in those middle-of-the-night time slots all the way into March), so after March we shouldn't have any overlap, but we might hang onto the second line just so we'll have it if dh's schedule gets changed down the line (I get to set my own availabilities, but his hours are set by his employer).

Anyhow, in our case dh was having to drive 45 minutes to an hour each way when he was working outside the home. We live in the city, but most of the employment opportunities are located in the suburbs. So there was the gas cost, plus if anything went wrong with our car it had to be fixed pronto or he couldn't get to work.

It means a lot to us not to have the transportation-related cost and stress, not to mention just being able to wear "whatever." Just so you'll know, the next time you are dealing with someone trying to collect a bill payment from you, maybe you can give yourself a smile by picturing them sitting at home in their underwear. Chances are, they might be doing exacly that.

ETA: Dh isn't actually calling people to collect their payments, but he's there to help the people who are calling in to make arrangements and work out how they are going to pay their bills in order to keep their service.

[sewchris2642]

Originally Posted by Lisa1970

You have 6 children who still need you. I never could understand what SAHMs did all day long. Then I became one. I can really see the difference. Especially when a 14 yr old girl who has no other adult to talk to, comes to me, someone she barely knows, she talks to. I had more impact on her in the few times she was here, than in the many times her parents were absent. This was not the first time this sort of thing has happened. Plus, I see kids who cause a lot of troubles, whose parents rarely see them or know them, who just say "not my kid." But they do not know their child!

If you want to do something during the day, while they are at school anyway, or volunteer at the school, that is what I would do. Or take classes during the day.

"Just" being mom is plenty. Frankly, not to sound horrible, but I have yet to see anyone really be parents, and have both hold fulltime jobs out of the home. Who is raising the children while they are working? The children are not just dollies to be put to the side while the parents pursue things that they consider to be more important. No one can possibly see their children 10-20 hours out of an entire week and then claim they are just as much of a parent as a fulltime parent. (of course, when one parent works to support the parent and children who are at home, in my opinion, both are being fulltime parents, but when both parents work and simply pay some outsider to raise their children, they cannot call themselves fulltime parents).

You know, I was a sahm for 13 years and most of the day wasn't spent in being a mom. Except for when they were infants. The mornings were taken up with homeschooling but the afternoons were mine. They napped/rested then went to play with their friends. Same when I was a child. Except I went to school. As for having someone other than mom to talk to for teens, I think that it's a good thing. I'm glad that my dds had our neighbor to talk over things with. She was closer in age to them and, maybe more importantly, wasn't their mom. I performed the same role for some of my dds' friends.

I respectfully disagree with your final paragraph. Dylan things that he has awesome parents. And that's the opinion I value, not an anonymous poster on a message board. His dc provider didn't make decisions for him, wasn't legally responsible for him. His dad and I were/are. When providers pay for medical, dental, decide on education, where to live, what to eat, and all the other minutia that goes into raising a child, then I will agree that they are raising that child. I also dispute your 10-12 hours out of a week. There are 168 hours in a week and the average child is in dc for about 30-35 hours a week. Yes, a good chunk of that time is spend asleep. But if you don't count the hours asleep at home, then you can't count the hours asleep at dc. No matter how the hours are counted, children are with their parents more than they are at dc. And they are at school almost (more for some children) as much as they are at dc. Whether or not parents send their children to dc (or pre-school for that matter) is totally up to them and their children. 2 of our children went to dc (the same dc for that matter; she has been in business for well over 26 years) and 2 did not. And you know, they all say that we have been great parents. None of them think that dc raised them. DC is not evil. There are fantastic dcs and there are horrible dcs and everything in between. Just as there are fantastic parents and there are horrible parents and everything in between. Or schools, doctors, lawyers, or any other category.

[EdnaMarie]

No one can possibly see their children 10-20 hours out of an entire week and then claim they are just as much of a parent as a fulltime parent. (of course, when one parent works to support the parent and children who are at home, in my opinion, both are being fulltime parents, but when both parents work and simply pay some outsider to raise their children, they cannot call themselves fulltime parents).

I completely disagree.

Being a parent means having a kid and supporting them. I don't think "parent" is a verb and I don't think it's conditional on minutes spent making eye-contact. I do not think a single mom working her butt off at two jobs to make sure they stay out of debt and she can finish school so her kids can see a light at the end of the tunnel is any less of a parent than, well, for example, me. No way. That would be basically to tell my own mom, "You weren't as much as a mom to me as your mom was to you."

Her mom had seven kids. Most parents back in the day had so many kids they spent less time with each child (and most walkers were out playing all day anyway) than even working parents do today!

And again... you can say some are "good" parents (if you want... I would never say that) and some are "bad", depending on their social class (poor families have two working parents, tough titties, right?) but they are all 100% parents.

And no matter who is working, both the WOHP and the SAHP are partners in parenting.

(Oh, and sometimes that "something more important"? Food.)

[Hoopin' Mama]

Originally Posted by Lisa1970

Frankly, not to sound horrible, but I have yet to see anyone really be parents, and have both hold fulltime jobs out of the home. Who is raising the children while they are working? The children are not just dollies to be put to the side while the parents pursue things that they consider to be more important. No one can possibly see their children 10-20 hours out of an entire week and then claim they are just as much of a parent as a fulltime parent. (of course, when one parent works to support the parent and children who are at home, in my opinion, both are being fulltime parents, but when both parents work and simply pay some outsider to raise their children, they cannot call themselves fulltime parents).

I usual won't participate in the Mommy Wars, but your post is quite jaw dropping. It's non-sensical at best, completely offensive at worst.

Do you have any friends who have children who work outside the home? If so, I sincerely hope you have shared your opinion with them. They deserve to know how you view them.

[nextcommercial]

Originally Posted by Lisa1970

"Just" being mom is plenty. Frankly, not to sound horrible, but I have yet to see anyone really be parents, and have both hold fulltime jobs out of the home. Who is raising the children while they are working? The children are not just dollies to be put to the side while the parents pursue things that they consider to be more important. No one can possibly see their children 10-20 hours out of an entire week and then claim they are just as much of a parent as a fulltime parent. (of course, when one parent works to support the parent and children who are at home, in my opinion, both are being fulltime parents, but when both parents work and simply pay some outsider to raise their children, they cannot call themselves fulltime parents).

But, it DOES sound horrible. And, it's just plain wrong. It's nice that your family can live off of what your husband makes, but not everybody can. We are responsible for our children, but we are also responsible to pay our bills, try to afford our health care, pay our taxes.. Your ideals just don't work for most families today. I think many of us wish it did though.

[mamaofthree]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

Eventually, it will stop being enough.

i don't know about this... i am sure for many this is 100% true, but for some being a mom is the be all end all, and they are 100% satisfied to be "just a mom" forever. my MIL is one of those women. she was and still is 100% satisfied being a mom.

after spending years being a mom as well as an RN, i have to say that my passion for mothering is so very much more then it ever was being a nurse, and now that i am a SAHM 100% of the time, i feel like this is here i was suppose to be all along. i feel so blessed that i am able to do this every single day. and if some magic fairy came and took away my nursing career i wouldn't give a hoot at all.

Ok i have yet to read the whole thread so i will go do that now. lol but OP you need to do what works for you right now. until you find something that speaks to you, then you might be unhappy and feel like you wasted that money for nothing. school will always be there and since you have a trust fund... well heck! you can pay for it then too.

h

[mamaofthree]

Originally Posted by Lisa1970

"Just" being mom is plenty. Frankly, not to sound horrible, but I have yet to see anyone really be parents, and have both hold fulltime jobs out of the home. Who is raising the children while they are working? The children are not just dollies to be put to the side while the parents pursue things that they consider to be more important. No one can possibly see their children 10-20 hours out of an entire week and then claim they are just as much of a parent as a fulltime parent. (of course, when one parent works to support the parent and children who are at home, in my opinion, both are being fulltime parents, but when both parents work and simply pay some outsider to raise their children, they cannot call themselves fulltime parents).

this does come across as really harsh. having been one of those WOHM for years on and off, i would never say i was less of a mom because of it. i was blessed with a career that allowed me to have a very flexible schedule, but i was still gone. and i am not sure i get why if one person works and one stays home that WOHP is parenting 100% but if both are WOHP then they are not. all of them are doing what they can to care for their kids.

h

[grniys]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

Eventually, it will stop being enough.

You will want something else. Something that's yours only. Maybe something that's only yours and your husband's. It could be anything from enjoying fitness to off road racing. But, it probably won't include your children. Or anybody's children.

But, when it's time, you will know it. And, when you start to feel like you need something else, go for it. If you don't take advantage at that time, you can't blame anybody. I hear SOOOO many women my age complain that their kids or their husband never let them do *insert activity* When in reality, usually we choose NOT to do it. If you ever get to the point that you are afraid that you are "wasting years", then do something about it.

While you are happy being a mom, then be happy with that! It was the best years of my life. You will know when it's no longer enough.

I just wanted to say this is a really beautiful post to me. This is pretty much the point I'm at and why I'm going back to school. I realized as much as I love my kids and love being a SAHM, I need to do this for me. I'm struggling with the guilt, but my dh is very supportive. And, while I hate that I'll be older than most of the students I'll be graduating with, I'd rather be older with my degree(s) than without them.

Originally Posted by Lisa1970

No one can possibly see their children 10-20 hours out of an entire week and then claim they are just as much of a parent as a fulltime parent.

I've found that my being a better mom is positively correlated with the amount of time I spend away from my boys. Personally, I'd rather be away from my boys during the day while I'm at school/work and actually ENJOY being around them and cherishing every moment with them more than feeling stuck and resentful because I'm a SAHM. I get that not every mom feels like I do, but not every mom is cut out for being a SAHM. And it doesn't make them any less of a parent for that. IMO, recognizing what you need to do to be a better parent (in my case, doing something for myself and getting a career and not being a SAHM) and then doing it is way more important than the amount of time you spend with you kids.

I tend to believe that it's the quality of time you spend with your children, not the quantity.

To the OP, don't let anyone make you feel like you "should" be doing anything, be it school or stay home or what not. Do what you think you should. If it's best for you and your kids, then go for it. But like other posters have said, it doesn't hurt to be able to support yourself and your kids, either.