How would you handle this? Friend/OB against homebirth.

[turnquia]

I have an online friend of mine, who I met on another site. She is a high risk OB (maternal fetal medicine). She knows we planned a homebirth with DS but for other reasons (insecurity and some PTL issues we didn't homebirth).

Now here we are having two! We are planning a homebirth. With back up OB care. OB is aware of homebirth plan provided babies are in good position, and we make it to at least 36 weeks etc. (He is a fantastic OB).

My friend is very uncomfy with homebirth of twins. I highly value her opinion and as an "online" friend she has been immensley helpful with PTL issues I had with DS when we had questions.

So I feel like the other night when she fully found out we were homebirthing she was quite upset and was attempting to talk me out of it... Some of it I feel was scare tactics and some of it I know is valid concern. We've already discussed with OB and MW team.

(with twins there is risk to baby B when baby A is born, such as cord prolapse and malpositioning due to not being engaged prior to labor. )

How would you handle a friend who talks like that? But while still taking into mind her overall message? (She is very naturally minded, but overall not a fan of homebirth.)

She is a high risk OB so she does see many more high risk situations, and I think twins are "higher risk" but not necessarily high risk.

[2xy]

I'm not exactly sure what it is you're trying to "handle." Is she pushy? Is she badgering you? If she is, then "We've evaluated the risks and benefits and have a good support team, and this is what we've chosen. Please pass the (virtual) bean dip," should suffice.

If she can't respect your right to make informed decisions for yourself, then she's not a good friend. That's my opinion.

[CoopersMommy0308]

Originally Posted by 2xy

I'm not exactly sure what it is you're trying to "handle." Is she pushy? Is she badgering you? If she is, then "We've evaluated the risks and benefits and have a good support team, and this is what we've chosen. Please pass the (virtual) bean dip," should suffice.

If she can't respect your right to make informed decisions for yourself, then she's not a good friend. That's my opinion.

We've told (non) supportive people that it isn't open for discussion. We've made our decision and done our research and if they can't accept that then the birth is not something we will discuss. They are more then welcome to ask open-minded questions in a non-critical way if they want, but when they become critical the discussion is over.

[turnquia]

We've talked about it. Which I am open to. She is pushy about it, but not all the time by any means.

I think she feels risks are way high for twin vaginal delivery. Despite having a low CS rate and is very pro-natural birth. (As much as possible obviously being high risk OB there is more interventions).

So I think she is genuinely concerned and trying to convey it. Its not like a stranger saying HB is crazy etc. That I can deal with quite well. This is harder because I want to take her opinion into consideration (because she is a MFM and I trust her opinion). But I know that for me I feel homebirth is safer and not sure how to convey it other than just not having the conversation.

I dunno.. lol maybe i'll just not let her view my homebirth posts lol and keep her in the dark so I don't scare the wits out of my friend.

[MsBlack]

You might try reminding her that her practice, being 'high risk', shows her lots more truly high risk situations on a regular basis--and that viewing twin birth as low-enough risk is just outside her experience. With this, you might send her info/stats on twin homebirth, helping her see that it may not be as 'automatically high risk' as she tends to believe. You can also remind her that you do value her knowledge and experience...and you were glad to be able to draw upon that last time, just as this time you will also be most willing to pay attention to your pregnancy and heed any danger signs, get the best kind of help available, etc. That you're not just throwing caution to the wind by any means.

Or, like you said--just don't make her privy to your future comm about your plans. Which may be easiest....

[mwherbs]

Well I usually respond to friends and family critics in a serious way, I find that there is some aspect of myself that they reflect and that in my darkest moments I may have to answer to what they have brought out. What are your most salient ideas, what things will satisfy your own personal critic?
And then I would probably pull out the cultural differences card, this did not occur to me but one of my mw friends when dh was in the hospital, we needed the hospital staff to be much more culturally appropriate toward us and she pointed it out to them, that we prioritize things a bit differently than the mainstream, so although we don't have clothing or other signifiers that clue people in that we are different we are, and medical folks actually have some training in cultural sensitivity. And if that doesn't work I would probably say we view things differently on this and I am not open to more criticism, on our choice to give birth at home.

[momasana]

I think you should respectfully tell her that while you appreciate her perspective, it is not her decision to make. Maybe seeing you have a successful twin homebirth will help change her mind about the perceived risks.

[Gena 22]

I do feel some sympathy for her position. She sees some difficult pregnancies, especially difficult twin pregnancies.

But . . . you've got di-di twins, right? So a lot of the worries are totally taken off the table. My Baby B's water didn't even break until after twin B was born. She was totally safe, protected, floating happy and waiting her turn.

And, this friend doesn't recognize the safety of vaginal twin birth? Well, the science doesn't back her up. That question I researched and researched and researched. I can understand an OB's desire to be in control, but they don't get better outcomes. They just don't. And the problem with trying for a hospital vaginal birth is that so few OBs are experienced. The more you ask around, the odds are stacked against you.

She don't recognize the safety and benefits of singleton HB? That shows how out of touch with peer reviewed, evidence based science she is.

Who was I safer birthing with? An OB who had never even seen a vaginal twin birth, or my HB MW who had delivered 42 sets of twins before mine? No doubt there.

Sorry to say, this friend, because of her profession, will not let this go. She's not backed by science, so don't let her opinions get to you. But I'm afraid you're going to have to cut her out of your online life. You need positive friends.

My favorite study, for a little boost (spontaneous, vaginal twin birth recommended up to 40 weeks):
http://www.uptodate.com/home/content...=labordel/5122

Sorry, and good luck!