registry for birthdays?

[maddymama]

Hi Mamas,
(Mods: please feel free to move if this isn't in the right place).
So within the last two months we have been invited to 3 different birthday parties for DD1, who is 4 years old. All three have had something along the lines of "X is registered at Target for his birthday" somewhere on the invite. It really offends me to have a child registered for a birthday. (Weddings and new babies, yes I get it, but 2nd children when the first is still young and birthdays I don't get..........)
Am I the only one who thinks it's tacky? I refuse to buy anything off the registry, in part because I think it's tacky to have one, and in part because all the gifts are $30 and up, and I don't want to spend that much on a friend's kid's birthday gift. I admit I have a negative attitude about it because one of my friends told me that she has her son register for expensive gifts so she and her husband don't have to buy the expensive gifts and that the rich people will buy them for her son for her. I also find some of the gifts that people choose for DD1 (and DD2) that I never would have bought/chosen for her are some of their favorites to play with. I hate the idea of losing the creativity of gift giving.
Am I just behind the times and this is the new thing or what? What do you think?
~maddymama

[kgianforti]

I think a birthday registry is very tacky.

[awindes]

I also think its tacky I mean really and wedding and baby you actually want to know what they need. Birthdays are just what they want. How can you possibly mess up buying a toy for a 4 y/0

[MamieCole]

I'm torn. In a way I think it is super tacky,(especially in regard to the wanting rich people to buy expensive gifts) but in another I can see where it would be a good idea.

DS1's birthday is coming up and we've had lots of relatives ask us what we would like him to have as gifts. A registry would be an easy way to give them the information w/out us having to delegate. Like if I tell Aunt B he'd like some Legos, then I'm not gonna tell Grandma to also get Legos. The whole thing is just too complicated and I end up feeling like I am assigning gifts to people. SO not the point of his birthday. I try the "Oh just whatever you think he might like." but they always want a specific answer. Last year we made an Amazon Wish List, which is pretty much a registry, for Christmas gift idea for the boys. (per multiple relative's request.)

I think that including the registry info with the invite is the tacky part. IMHO it should only be provided upon inquiry. It can be a time-saver (not having to return duplicate/unwanted gifts) and useful tool if handled correctly.

[LuckyMommaToo]

Wow -- with a 4 y.o. and an almost-7 y.o., we've easily gone to over 50 bday parties. I have *never* seen that, and we live in L.A. I often email parents for suggestions, but the answers I get are, "s/he's into Legos, board games, Pollys, arts and crafts" variety.

Fascinating AND tacky, IMO.
-e

[maddymama]

OP here: Amy, I see your point, and we do a list-y type thing at some holidays for out of town family, but I don't pass on a list unless my mom, sister, or other family member asks for it. And then, I try to include items at a variety of price points and items from generalities to specifics as possible..... i.e. "DD1 is really interested in art right now, so some interesting art supplies would be welcome. She also loves books, especially XY author."
It just seems so out of place on the invite to me.... and insulting. I tell you, it truly made me want to buy the cheapest, least thoughtful gift I could (not) think of for their child.....
~maddymama

[MamieCole]

Originally Posted by maddymama

OP here: Amy, I see your point, and we do a list-y type thing at some holidays for out of town family, but I don't pass on a list unless my mom, sister, or other family member asks for it. And then, I try to include items at a variety of price points and items from generalities to specifics as possible..... i.e. "DD1 is really interested in art right now, so some interesting art supplies would be welcome. She also loves books, especially XY author."
It just seems so out of place on the invite to me.... and insulting. I tell you, it truly made me want to buy the cheapest, least thoughtful gift I could (not) think of for their child.....
~maddymama

I totally hear you. I had a similar reaction to a wedding invitation we received which included a note saying that "The bride and groom would prefer money instead of packaged gifts." I wanted to get them the most useless gift I could think of...like a crystal duck or something. Shockingly we did not attend the wedding OR send them any money.

[DariusMom]

Originally Posted by MamieCole

I totally hear you. I had a similar reaction to a wedding invitation we received which included a note saying that "The bride and groom would prefer money instead of packaged gifts." I wanted to get them the most useless gift I could think of...like a crystal duck or something. Shockingly we did not attend the wedding OR send them any money.

This sort of thing has become kind of a joke in my family. We always fantasize about giving couples who request money (or contributions to their honeymoon or mortgage or whatever) a brass rhino. Preferably a really big and heavy one!

OP: I think it's tacky, though I do "get" why they would do it. Still yet, I think a PPs suggestion of something along the lines of, "Little Bubba loves building things, crafts, Star Wars, and soccer" would be a far more tactful way of letting people know, generally, what a kid would be into without an entire registry.

[HeatherB]

I don't care for "registry at" on any form of invitation. MAYBE I can cope with it for a baby shower, but that's about it.

But, on the other hand, I do have ongoing wish lists for my kids on Amazon (and for me, too). I just add things throughout the year when I see something I think they'd like, as much for my own reference as anything. I make sure they're updated when birthdays and Christmas roll around. My grandmother found our wish lists years ago and started buying off of them even when they WEREN'T updated, so I've made it a point to keep them current! Most of our family *loves* the wish lists and buys from them.

If a close friend asks for birthday ideas, I may say, "hey, take a look on Amazon 'cause there's a ton of stuff he'd love," or whatever. That's for close friends that I know like to shop there, too. I try to keep in mind a short list of "safe" items to mention for more peripheral friends, especially as we do have limitations on what we allow in the house (so I might say, "He's really loving books right now, and he adores cars."). But I wouldn't ever put gift information on an invite. In fact, I'm more likely to stress to friends that they do NOT need to bring a gift because we just want them there to celebrate with us.

ETA: I just remembered that when we had a great little local toy shop, they had "birthday registries," and we did do those for the years they were open. I *may* even have included a registry card one time, because it gave people 10% off a purchase. But if I did, I debated it for a looooong time because, well, I hate to come off as tacky. Though I did have friends who really loved having the registries there and being able to go look and enjoy the lovely local store.

[klt]

Wow, tacky. Hello over-controlling parent. Fine to do for families at Christmas, but not for social friends or classmates.

Which makes me asK: how much do you spend on your kids' classmate bday presents? I threw a party for my 3 yo and asked for no presents. I find it embarrassing when a young child invites all 26 kids and gets a mountain of presents. What are we teaching our children? I was at a party and this little girl was getting like 2 presents from each parent! Wowzie. That to me is what Aunts or Grandmas do, not "friends." Anyway, what do you spend on bday gifts for a classmate you don't know.?

(I'm perfectly fine with spending and receiving $10 gifts...seriously!)

[maddymama]

OP here:
KLT, we usually spend around $10 bucks a gift... more for family or close friends, less for kiddos we barely know. I have shopped at the dollar store for gifts and gotten some great bargains, and other times forgotten about a party until the last minute and given a children's book or two off our shelf (making sure it was in pristine condition first, though....).
The first few birthday parties we threw for DD1 were "no gifts please" parties, and for DD2's first birthday we did a "no gifts please" party. This was the second year of DD1 receiving a mountain of gifts... and I hid most of them right after the party and pulled out one or two a week during the summer to help keep her entertained on the long, hot summer afternoons.
~maddymama

[amma_mama]

Yes, tacky. I get the idea/purpose of an Amazon wish list for those that ask, but would never include that info on an invitation! Yuck! I would ignore the list and buy whatever is in your means to buy (afterall, it is not the child's fault that they have tacky parents). Same goes for weddings and showers where registries are generally considered to be an "acceptable" practice. I would really hate to think that any friend/family member ever felt pressured to spend more than they could afford on a gift.

[just_lily]

I really think a birthday registry, included on an invite, is awful. I can understand a wishlist type of situation that can be given if asked, but any mention of a gift registry is just so tacky.

For kids parties, I tend to spend around $15 or so. Otherwise it starts to get out of control.

Interestingly enough, we just got married in June and had a registry but didn't include it in our invites. A few people asked, and I told them about it. In the end we only got two gifts from it (which is totally fine!) about 5 other gifts (mainly photo albums - which are lovely, and will be used) and everyone else gave cash. A few gift cards to various stores included in that, but for the most part cash and cheques. So in the end, most of these "Cash Gifts Only" couples would probably end up getting what they want if they just keep any mention of gifts off the invites anyways.

[Nansense]

Definitely tacky.

My other gripe about kids parties is when they've invited the whole class and it's at a kids fun center/Chuck E Cheese, etc... Yes, 20 kids NOT interacting with eachother and the parents have a $200 bill!! And of course, my kids are now asking for their parties to be like that. um...NO. I do 3 friends at home, play outside.

[PatchChild]

I agree that it is nasty to put that on a party invite. So unnecessary.

On the other hand, my son has always had an Amazon wish list. My family loves seeing what he's into these days, and I use Otto keep track of interesting ideas. Fortunately, my family is very into second hand gifts. They look over his wish list, and then go hunting.

[Melaniee]

I think it's pretty tacky to put it on the invitation. I actually have an online 'wish list' for the grandparents, but really it's just for ideas. I like the online sort b/c they can buy things (or make in some instances) anywhere they like and still 'mark it off the list.' The family really enjoy them. I've never really given them out to friends, since as you say, most items are pricier than I'd want to insinuate someone ought to spend for a birthday party.

The flipside is Ds had his first party with classmates last year and I was inundated with "what does he want/like/need." Oops, I'd forgotten people would be buying gifts! I was a little stumped by the first few requests and totally unprepared with what to say. I wish I'd made note, somewhere, for a list of lesser priced things/ideas to respond with.

I generally keep acquaintance or classmate gifts under $20. Closer friends under $40, in the past.

And we do not open presents at the party, except if it's just grandparents or family left. We do make thank you notes and make sure Dc know who gifts are from, and appreciate the thought, but I just don't want that to take away from the party time. Plus then there's the awkward situation if more than one give the same thing. And until recently I don't think my kids were really old enough to be 'gracious' about gift receiving.

I actually don't think they're appropriate for wedding invitations either, only showers when the entire purpose of the "event" is to give gifts. Friends were agast we didn't include it in our wedding invitations. We registered at the main local places, if they wanted to figure it out they could, else that's fine. People figured it out.

[Tigerchild]

I don't bother with registries, but I have a hard time getting "offended" about it. It's just a party.

I get politeness and all, having been raised quite firmly to uphold ps and qs but...I guess I really don't care what other people do? I have only seen a registry once, and did not feel obligated to buy from it (certainly the hostess was gracious enough not to say anything when the gift was not from it). Maybe she just got sick of emails from everyone asking what her kid was into.

Though probably I am not the one to comment since I have committed the cardinal sin of asking people to either not bring a present or to donate to a charity cause during birthdays (this year, for whatever reason, all the kids wanted a fundraising birthday party where they could invite everyone they wanted to). I have learned from MDC since then that is horrifically crass and obnoxious, so...whatever.

[JudiAU]

Having a wish list is not a bad thing, provided it includes a range s of price points. I keep on going most of the time to keep track of things i think the kids would like. Our book listvis huge my family knows it is on amazon and akways chooses gifts from it but that is gheir (awesome) preference. MIL knows about the list and seems to toys in opposition to it. =(

But distributing the information on any invitation is pretty tacky. Sometimes I ask if I don't have ideas but I don't feel obligated to buy from it. I do laugh at the rich friends comment. We have a lot of friends that are wealthier than we are and the trend is almost always to specify "no gifts". Sort of rude In Its own right but we'll probably adopt it next year for parties.

[momasana]

I think it is tacky and very sad. Sad because it just shows the expectation that so many people have about receiving gifts and the purpose of celebrating birthdays.

Growing up birthdays always meant "Hey, I'm so glad you are here, you are my friend, let's have fun together."

Now it's just "Here, eat some cake and give me stuff, but only the stuff that I tell you that I want."

I find it heartbreaking.

[maddymama]

Originally Posted by momasana

I think it is tacky and very sad. Sad because it just shows the expectation that so many people have about receiving gifts and the purpose of celebrating birthdays.

Growing up birthdays always meant "Hey, I'm so glad you are here, you are my friend, let's have fun together."

Now it's just "Here, eat some cake and give me stuff, but only the stuff that I tell you that I want."

I find it heartbreaking.

OP: I think this is why I find the whole thing so frustrating and upsetting.