What if it's not PPD? What if I just really hate my life?

[whozeyermamma]

So I finally went to my Primary care doc today and got a script for Zoloft because it's just not getting any better but the stupid pharmacy can't fill it till Monday. *sigh*



Tonight was pretty rough - DH is out of town so getting both kids in bed has been a nightmare (still not convinced they're both sleeping) - and as I was rocking DS AGAIN I couldn't stop thinking that maybe I"m not depressed, maybe I just hate my life for real - not some chemical imbalance, not some hormonal shift.

We really debated about having another kid and it was a leap of faith to get pregnant. So we get preggo and now we've got this kid and I just feel like my life is over - like having a second kid has ruined everything.

My relationship with DD - normally the light of my life - is strained and hard b/c I can't spent time with her. Obviously things with DH are non-existent b/c we're both so frazzled, my career is on hold AGAIN, then b/c I'm not working we're broke, everything I loved about life before - going out, just being able to run to the store at a moment's notice, going to the beach with DD, everything is gone.

DH has been supportive but I know he is getting sick of me being so screwed up, he doesn't believe in pharmecudticals so he's reluctant about the zoloft, DD has been having these phantom "stomach pains" lately - I'm sure she's picking up on my anxiety.

And sometimes I feel bad about blaming a sweet little baby for this and sometimes, frankly, I don't feel bad. I just don't love him I don't like him and I don't feel like I ever will. I don't want to hurt him - I don't hate him - I just don't LOVE him. I can change him and feed him and coo and make that stupid parentese talk when I'm supposed to but I don't feel much behind it.

It's like that little Japanese toy that they had a few years back you had to punch the buttons to feed the little animated creature - I punch the buttons but that's all there is. It's like I'm that wire monkey in that famous experiment - sure, my baby will cling to me but I'm a pale substitute for the real thing.

I guess this is more of a rant or a vent - I'm not sure ... I just wonder if it's like that old saying "maybe you're not paranoid, maybe everyone really IS out to get you." Maybe I'm not depressed, per se, maybe I'm just coming to grips with the reality that I made a huge mistake in having another kid - that I've damaged my life and my family's life and I just have to deal with it.

Bleh.

[LynnS6]

Is there a PPD support group that you can go to? There were several near me (you could bring kids!) and it can be very helpful. If you don't, I'd suggest counseling. That's what counselors are good for: Figuring out why you're so unhappy.

Do you have a lot of hard things? Yes you do. Adding a second child (especially after 6 years, when your older child is noticeably more capable) is hard work. You've got a husband who's out of town (and thus can't be there to support you, yet says "I don't know about this medication..."), money stress and are fretting over putting your career on hold. The #1 predictor of PPD is: STRESS! Even happy things like getting married and having children add stress.

But the thing that makes me think you've got PPD is that your post sounds like you feel these things are permanent. There is no light at the end of the tunnel for you. The anxiety, detachment and pessimistic thinking are all very common in PPD. "My life is over" is more than just stress.

There is light at the end of your tunnel. You will go to the beach again. You will do fun spontaneous things. Really.

Get your prescription filled. Find someone (other than your dh) to talk to. Your ds is not even 2 months old. Right now, your major concern is to get yourself healthy. If your husband is 'sick' of you being depressed, that's his issue. If you could snap out of this, you would! You have not ruined your life. (At very least, your dd will now have someone to complain about her crazy parents to!)

[lawschoolmama]

Wow, I am amazed at how similar our situations are--and mama, I really do think this is PPD. Like the PP said, PPD makes you feel hopeless, like this is never going to get better, and I really have made an irreversible mistake. It WILL get better, but you have to get help.

My DD2 was born two days after yours, and I have had a lot of the same issues--struggles with DD1 (who is younger than yours, she was two years eight months when DD2 came along), struggles with DH (who had to be at work round the clock and out of town too for a huge project that came up right at the time of DD2's birth), issues with DH not liking the idea of me being medicated (but he got over it because the Zoloft works!). I felt fine after the birth, but about 2 weeks postpartum, I started feeling crappy--and things went downhill fast. One morning, DH woke me up very very early in the morning to tell me he needed to go to work, and wouldn't be home for a very long time. DD1 had school, so I got her ready and took her, but it was like all I could do to muster the energy to get her there. While we were driving, I just kept thinking, this can't be my life. I'll never have fun again. DD1 and I will never be able to have fun again. This was the biggest mistake of my life, and I don't think life will ever get any better. When I got back home, I just started at DD2. It was like, I felt nothing, and I had no idea how to take care of her. I knew she needed a bath, but I couldn't even wrap my head around the steps needed to do that for her. It was awful. I called DH in tears, and told him I was really having a panic attack--I could hardly breathe. He came home and took me straight to the midwife, who put me on Zoloft. It took some time to kick in, but I can't even tell you how much better I felt (and feel now), after about 7 days on the meds. It's like the cloud lifted. THings can still be hard--getting both girls ready in the morning or ready for bed is a challenge still, so is getting anywhere really!--but I feel like I can handle it, that there are fun times now and that more fun times will come, and I feel love--real love--for both of my girls. I'm not just going through the motions anymore. So I'd encourage you to keep taking the Zoloft for a while, and see if that helps you as much as it's helped me. It's been so worth it.

Also, it really helped me to read Down Came the Rain by Brooke Shields, about her experience with PPD after her first daughter was born. I don't agree with all of her parenting philosophies or anything (e.g., pretty rigid schedule for baby), but her descriptions of how she was feeling in the middle of her PPD--the hopelessness, the feeling of having made an incredibly bad and irreversible mistake, the panicky feelings that just overwhelm you and feel like they will NEVER go away--convinced me that this is PPD, and that the feelings do not have to last forever.

Good luck mama, hang in there and get some help!

[bookwormommy]

I don't have any advice, but my heart goes out to you. I am in tears reading your post. You'll be in my thoughts.

[kindchen]

Does it really matter whether this is PPD or whether you just hate you life? Either way, you feel crappy, and the Zoloft might help. Even if it were the case that you made a bad decision and now have to deal with the consequences of that, the medication could help you see a way to be positive and have the best possible experience under the circumstances. (I am NOT saying that you made a bad decision in having your second child--just that even given the worst-case scenario, you could be feeling a LOT better than you are and more able to cope.)

I have been where you are, and I wish wish wish that I had taken the medication and gotten out of my funk much earlier. I feel a soul deep love for my second child now too, but I mourn the time I spent so depressed and hopeless that I was just going through the motions.

[somelady]

I gotta agree. My life still largely sucks. And I'm still not sure I didn't make a mistake. But with the zoloft I don't feel quite so hopeless about it. And I'm not quite so tired all the time like I was. I mean it's 8:30! and I'm voluntarily still awake.

hmmm I'm not sure that that was as encouraging as I had meant.

[SleeplessMommy]

Sounds like PPD. Having a new baby is hard on everyone. Things WILL get better. Counseling will help, time will help, meds will help. Don't let your husband make the meds decision for you.

[HappyMommy2]

You might want to get your thyroid checked. Many mamas get it post partum, and depression is my "oh! I need to up my dosage" symptom.

Good luck mama.

[MPsSweetie]

Sounds like PPD to me. Been there. It was AWFUL! I am already preparing myself for it this time. I had it both times, but they felt different. With DD I felt more like you do, like my life was over, nothing would ever be good again. With DS I started off SOOOO happy, had an amazing birth, couldn't get enough of him, cried from joy... Then couldn't stop crying. I was on zoloft after that, but not with DD.
I also felt more towards my DD like you do towards your little DD. Everything about her annoyed me. I am terrified of how I will feel about both of my kids this time. I am already overwhelmed as I am typing this. Horrible BH all night, no sleep, kids can't give my five minutes to breathe.... *sigh*

[Care Lee]

Hugs... I've been there... having a new baby is a huge adjustment after having a little 'freedom' again.... You have a lot going on. Be gentle with yourself. Relax. My baby just turned one, my others just turned 2,5, and 7. I went onwellbutrin this last time. Just came off it 2 weeks ago- I feel great... Last year at this time I was miserable. Hugs to you.

[whozeyermamma]

Thanks everyone for your kind, intelligent and thoughtful responses. It's so good to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way - especially about the "I've made a huge mistake" thing. I think that's the worst - the idea that this lovely, truly adorble little person is a mistake makes me feel awful and hopeless.

Feeling a lot better today - but I also know that's just because I got a GREAT night of sleep for the first time in weeks. It's the kind of thing that can turn on a dime, however ... Yesterday he had this massive spitup (I had to change everything I was wearing, down to my panties) and I was just yelling F*CK!!! over and over right in front of DD, which is -well, not very good.

I'm debating about starting the zoloft - b/c I'm a little worried about possible side effects, and just the notion that once I start down this road, that I have to keep on it - like if it doesn't work, then I'll have to wean myself off it, start another med, etc, etc.

I just hired a sitter to come in one day a week after DD starts school - mom and dad gave us some cash to get it started - and I think that will be a huge help. A break away from baby, plus time to work which will help financially.

Anyway ... THANKS again

[azgirl]

You absolutely sound like you have PPD. I felt like you, hopeless overwhelmed etc. I started feeling better after two weeks on Zoloft. I also went to therapy. I able to start weaning off the Zoloft after 8 months. I have been med-free for almost two years and despite lots of normal life stress, I am feeling strong and capable (so the complete opposite of how I felt when I had PPD) My kiddo ate Zoloft breastmilk for all 8 months and is doing awesome, way verbally despite being a micropreemie. So, that's my little story in a nutshell. Please try the meds, switch to a different one (My psychiatrist told me Prozac is also very safe for nursing) after 6 weeks if you don't feel any better.

You might feel some side effects for two weeks or so, but just power through. There is light at the end of the tunnel! Please keep us posted.

Also, I agree with the other poster: even if this isn't PPD and your life really does suck, meds help!!

[tessamami]

You know what? Sometimes being a mother is really hard.

And yes, I think sometimes mothers experience sadness. And stress when their partners don't step up. I am not blaming your partner - I'm just saying that most mothers don't suddenly become depressed - often depression is a spiraling seemingly out of control thing. Having other little ones, being under pressure to make a home, etc. is really huge.

Also, saying that a new mother is depressed and needing medication is sometimes a little bit of a cop out, especially when there are practical things in need of doing. Help with childcare, shopping, cooking and cleaning are huge. And let's not forget how isolated we mothers sometimes are. It's rare to have next door friends and community.

I don't know you, but I feel that it is a real shame that mothers experiencing depression syptoms are offered drugs, and not much else. Sheila Kitzenger writes about the idea of depression vs sadness in her book (now a bit dated) the Year after Childbirth. Ina May Gaskin writes about the drugs and not much else part in Spiritual Midwifery.

Sometimes partners are not able to admit their part in a new mother's sadness (and by new, I mean new mother to the youngest). And you are mother to 2 others. It's OK not to be in love, yet. This takes time and emotional space, and you may not have it right now.

Your husband may have witnessed your journey into sadness and felt unable to be of help. And many cannot admit it. With him working, leaving you alone - it may be that his priority is to provide for you financially, not emotionally.

As for the guilt that you may be feeling - many mothers regret the added responsibilty and financial costs a new baby adds to the family. You may feel like this is a big stretch for you - no doubt, it is. In time this feeling may change, but right now be good to yourself, be kind to yourself. It really is a bigger problem than you - being a mother is a number one reason that we struggle financially in this country - and not just financially. Emotionally, too. If others have offered help - take them up on it, and be specific about what you need.

Has anyone offered to help with the older kids? - LET them. And while you are at it - how about having someone hold the baby while you get a bit of rest - or a shower - or a walk in the fresh air? I'm not against medication, I just don't know if meds are ALL of the answer.

Having someone to talk to can be really helpful. It is also an opportunity to arrange for childcare, and some time to yourself. Even an hour every week or every other, plus your travel time can be helpful, some find. If therapy doesn't appeal, how about a mothers group, or unofficial coffee clache? It may take a number of things, but you will find your way out - you are looking for help, and that is a great first step.

[pregnant@40]

Originally Posted by whozeyermamma

Thanks everyone for your kind, intelligent and thoughtful responses. It's so good to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way - especially about the "I've made a huge mistake" thing. I think that's the worst - the idea that this lovely, truly adorble little person is a mistake makes me feel awful and hopeless.

Feeling a lot better today - but I also know that's just because I got a GREAT night of sleep for the first time in weeks. It's the kind of thing that can turn on a dime, however ... Yesterday he had this massive spitup (I had to change everything I was wearing, down to my panties) and I was just yelling F*CK!!! over and over right in front of DD, which is -well, not very good.

I'm debating about starting the zoloft - b/c I'm a little worried about possible side effects, and just the notion that once I start down this road, that I have to keep on it - like if it doesn't work, then I'll have to wean myself off it, start another med, etc, etc.

What you describe is a common experience, and I can relate. HOWEVER, I think it has reached the point where something has to change. If you are losing it over spitup, a natural occurrence & something that is likely to happen again, then maybe it is time to consider meds? I would be more worried about my feelings of anger/resentment towards the kids, then about drug side-effects and weaning. Medications can take the edge off so that you can cope more effectively.

[treeoflife3]

I went through the same thing with my first. I hated her a lot of days and really didn't like her most of the time. I felt trapped and like I couldn't do anything because of her. It didn't help that she was borderlines high needs and people around me didn't understand why she NEEDED to go to bed at 7 when get togethers were just starting to get fun at that time or why I would nurse on command no matter when it was. My husband had also gotten home from deployment about a month after she was born and the shock of the new baby change plus the post deployment crap made for a completely unhelpful husband.

We were close to divorce and I just wanted to run away from a kiddo i'd always wanted.

I'm feelign a lot better now. She is 18 months and fun and independent as much as a typical 18 month old will be and we can go places spur of the moment now. I still can't take her to the movies haha (the one thing I miss MOST from the pre baby days) but we can do pretty much anything else. She can even stay up a bit past her 730-8 bedtime without any repercussions... not a long time after, but we can enjoy our few friends we have at this duty station a bit more since they are all either childless or have older ones and prefer nighttime fun.

I'm definitely a lot more relaxed. I used to think about 'what ifs' with kiddo. mostly what if some horrible accident happened and she died. I never wanted to hurt her and I wanted to do anything I could to protect her, but I thought all the time about how things would be easier if some idiot drunk or text driving hit us just right to make her perfectly used carseat pointless. I hated those thoughts and I realized the other day that I haven't had any in awhile.

It definitely gets better... taking zoloft really might help you too. I honestly wish I had taken something. Perhaps I would have felt better sooner and some things that occured between me and my husband wouldn't have occured and we could be in a better place as well since I wouldn't have some bad memorie there that he can't just take away.