Originally Posted by lilyka
Please go easy on the kids when they go on about their parent. Of course they miss them and love them and being a step kid is really hard especially when your parent has moved on and started their own family. My kids probably have days where they go on about me. Of course they do. I am their mom. And despite all the ways I fall short my youngest thinks I am pretty awesome. If their step mom ever got annoyed with them for it would furious. She goes on about her dad this and her dad that. You would think he walked on water. And I am ok with it and I encourage it because ya know what, she needs to talk about him now that he is not here. it helps her. And if my new partner was not ok with that he would not last long. If she need to miss their dad (or me while she is at her dads) and talk about him (or me) and indulge in delusions of grandeur so be it. I know first hand how hard this is on her. And if I ever have step children I hope they feel comfortable telling me non stop how freaking awesome their mom is because every child should feel that way about their mom. the whole comparing and contrasting is just how little kids order their world. its how they make sense of everything.
What you've said is very appropriate and true.
Remember that, many times, people say things here to get out their feelings among anonymous friends, instead
of sharing them with our stepkids or other people who need us to be supportive, not frustrated. If you have stepkids someday, you might understand the genuine frustration of putting a lot of effort into building a relationship with a child who's not yours (so the relationship doesn't come as naturally) and to feel criticized or taken for granted, regardless. Or, taking on all the responsibilities
of motherhood for your step-kid, without being able to enjoy the unique priveleges/rewards of BEing Mom. Or, having to listen to your step-kid go on about how wonderful his Mom is, when you know exactly how cruel she's been, to both to your spouse and
the kid himself! You still listen and appreciate the kid's love for his Mom and you give supportive feedback.
But, later, it is nice to be able to tell someone else
how you really feel.
Also, there's a significant difference between telling your Dad and StepMom how great your Mom is (they should certainly tell you they agree!
) and calling your Mom to "report" how "bad" your Dad and StepMom are, especially in front of
them, or especially when you know
your Mom's very hostile about them. (So, instead of her responding appropriately: "Oh, honey, I miss you, too! But everyone's bored sometimes
. That doesn't mean Daddy's neglecting
you!", your Mom's liable to say, "I'm sorry you have to spend time with him. He's always been neglectful! I wish you could be with me all the time!")Everyone
should show a reasonable amount of loyalty and respect for the people they love - and who love and care for them. For example, adults shouldn't cut down their spouse to everyone they know, every time they're mad about something small. Kids should feel guilty, if they bad-mouth a parent, to a grandparent who is receptive to it ("Oh, poor dear! I never liked your mother anyway! She was never good enough for your father!") And even kids who have to deal with divorce should be discouraged from frivolously trashing one parent, to the other.