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"Mom told Dad I could call her whenever I want so he has to listen." - Page 2

post #21 of 28
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklefairy View Post
I'm sorry, but this made me LOL, literally.
Better interest rate? Lower annual fee? She likes the picture better?

I've been dealing with an irrational and mouthy 12 yo, so please know that I'm saying this from a place of empathy. It's just absolutely ridiculous the things that are coming out of her mouth this week!
Oh, it is hilarious in a way (and I think the preference stems from the commercials--Mastercard is priceless, you know?).
post #22 of 28
You are handling this so well! I don't think I've matured much past that stage myself! I'd be going "Oh, look! There's a Dairy Queen. *pause for dramatic effect* (slow down the car) Gee, it's too bad I don't have a Mastercard." (resume speed)
post #23 of 28
Been out here for a while. Congrats on your new baby!!!

Anyway, what you say sounds very familiar to me. The "my mom this..." and "my mom that..." If fades away mildly with age, and pops up whenever there is tension and disagreement arises in this house. DSD is 17. Some days it's easy to bite my tongue and move on, other days it's an effort. I'm sure that a new baby is bringing a whole another level of anxienty and insecurity for you DSD. Hang in there! I'm afraid there is no other choice but to love and to be patient.

Oh, I'd have a chat with her mom and tell her that you agree to let DSD to "call whenever", as long as she asks politely, does not interrupt your dinner, does not demand for everyone to drop everything the second she wants to call, does not use it as an escape from bedtime, discipline, etc.

Best of luck!
post #24 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by pinksprklybarefoot View Post
...we really went through this phase about a year ago. It culminated with DH and I telling DSD that for the time being, if she didn't have anything nice to say, then she shouldn't say it at all. I have a feeling that might not sit well with a lot of the moms on MDC...
I don't see anything wrong with it. It's OK for a kid to be reminded that the people he/she is with have feelings, not just the parent who misses him/her!
post #25 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mummoth View Post
You are handling this so well! I don't think I've matured much past that stage myself! I'd be going "Oh, look! There's a Dairy Queen. *pause for dramatic effect* (slow down the car) Gee, it's too bad I don't have a Mastercard." (resume speed)
post #26 of 28
If it makes you feel any better my seven year old dd is just plain obsessed with the phone. Constantly "can I call so and so?" five minutes later... "how about now? well then can I call her sister?" If I set my cell down she picks it up (absolutely against the rules) We have phone rules and they apply to her dad as well but anytime they need to call they can.

Please go easy on the kids when they go on about their parent. Of course they miss them and love them and being a step kid is really hard especially when your parent has moved on and started their own family. My kids probably have days where they go on about me. Of course they do. I am their mom. And despite all the ways I fall short my youngest thinks I am pretty awesome. If their step mom ever got annoyed with them for it would furious. She goes on about her dad this and her dad that. You would think he walked on water. And I am ok with it and I encourage it because ya know what, she needs to talk about him now that he is not here. it helps her. And if my new partner was not ok with that he would not last long. If she need to miss their dad (or me while she is at her dads) and talk about him (or me) and indulge in delusions of grandeur so be it. I know first hand how hard this is on her. And if I ever have step children I hope they feel comfortable telling me non stop how freaking awesome their mom is because every child should feel that way about their mom. the whole comparing and contrasting is just how little kids order their world. its how they make sense of everything.
post #27 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyka View Post
Please go easy on the kids when they go on about their parent. Of course they miss them and love them and being a step kid is really hard especially when your parent has moved on and started their own family. My kids probably have days where they go on about me. Of course they do. I am their mom. And despite all the ways I fall short my youngest thinks I am pretty awesome. If their step mom ever got annoyed with them for it would furious. She goes on about her dad this and her dad that. You would think he walked on water. And I am ok with it and I encourage it because ya know what, she needs to talk about him now that he is not here. it helps her. And if my new partner was not ok with that he would not last long. If she need to miss their dad (or me while she is at her dads) and talk about him (or me) and indulge in delusions of grandeur so be it. I know first hand how hard this is on her. And if I ever have step children I hope they feel comfortable telling me non stop how freaking awesome their mom is because every child should feel that way about their mom. the whole comparing and contrasting is just how little kids order their world. its how they make sense of everything.
What you've said is very appropriate and true.

Remember that, many times, people say things here to get out their feelings among anonymous friends, instead of sharing them with our stepkids or other people who need us to be supportive, not frustrated. If you have stepkids someday, you might understand the genuine frustration of putting a lot of effort into building a relationship with a child who's not yours (so the relationship doesn't come as naturally) and to feel criticized or taken for granted, regardless. Or, taking on all the responsibilities of motherhood for your step-kid, without being able to enjoy the unique priveleges/rewards of BEing Mom. Or, having to listen to your step-kid go on about how wonderful his Mom is, when you know exactly how cruel she's been, to both to your spouse and the kid himself! You still listen and appreciate the kid's love for his Mom and you give supportive feedback. But, later, it is nice to be able to tell someone else how you really feel.

Also, there's a significant difference between telling your Dad and StepMom how great your Mom is (they should certainly tell you they agree!) and calling your Mom to "report" how "bad" your Dad and StepMom are, especially in front of them, or especially when you know your Mom's very hostile about them. (So, instead of her responding appropriately: "Oh, honey, I miss you, too! But everyone's bored sometimes. That doesn't mean Daddy's neglecting you!", your Mom's liable to say, "I'm sorry you have to spend time with him. He's always been neglectful! I wish you could be with me all the time!")

Everyone should show a reasonable amount of loyalty and respect for the people they love - and who love and care for them. For example, adults shouldn't cut down their spouse to everyone they know, every time they're mad about something small. Kids should feel guilty, if they bad-mouth a parent, to a grandparent who is receptive to it ("Oh, poor dear! I never liked your mother anyway! She was never good enough for your father!") And even kids who have to deal with divorce should be discouraged from frivolously trashing one parent, to the other.
post #28 of 28
Thread Starter 
Thanks, Jeannine. You're spot-on, as usual.

As predicted, the "call mom" thing has abated somewhat, though not completely (she now finds it fascinating to report to her mother every single expense we incur that seems luxurious to her, just so she can hear her mom say, "well, you know Dad and Proto just have more resources than I do, and Dad's mom died many years ago and left him money and that's how they can afford things even though neither of them are working" and I just wanted to shout "no we can afford things because we live frugally and we saved about 5-6 months of living expenses before I lost my job and we haven't TOUCHED any inherited funds and it's really not that much anyway" but I didn't ...and it's still getting used as a bedtime dodge, though my husband will now put his foot down--and it's also translated to Facebook; my stepdaughter wants me to "friend" her Mom and, while we're "friendly" in person, neither of us really want to read about what the other is doing).

But it's certainly gotten less constant and overbearing. More tolerable. I guess once she realized she really could talk to her mom whenever (though within reason), she didn't want to anymore.
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