What do you do about blatant "disobeying"?

[mama*pisces]

That word irks me, but I couldn't think of a better way to put it.

DH and I have disagreed about discipline, pretty much ever since ds was old enough to need redirection. He's 4 now...and while he is getting much better at listening(sooo much better than he was at 3.5!! Eeek.), he still has his moments. Tonight I was not feeling good at all, had a headache and felt kinda achey and stuff...I went to go lay down with dd, who was up much later than usual. She had just fallen asleep and I was nursing her in a half-conscious state myself when I heard little footsteps lightly running up the stairs...DS had asked where I was, DH told him I wasn't feeling well and putting DD to bed, and to not bother me. Well, upon hearing this DS took off running and came to find me. He did so quietly, but he still disrespected his dad's wishes. While I don't like this, the whole coming to find me while I'm putting DD to sleep is not one of my hot-buttons, as long as he does so quietly. It is, however, one of DH's hot-buttons. It used to happen ALL the time when he was 3, but thankfully it rarely happens now. I try to use natural consequences as much as possible but I can't really think of one for this...thoughts? TIA

[nina_yyc]

I wouldn't really classify this as blatant disobeying. DS is aware of the double standard, so the four year old brain could very well be going "I want to see my mom. She won't mind" and he takes off running without bothering to articulate this to DH. A conversation about respecting DH is in order and practicing what to do if you disagree with mom and dad, but I don't really see a consequence being productive in this one. In any case, DH should be the one to discipline for this one because he is the one who was disrespected.

[HappilyEvrAfter]

Originally Posted by nina_yyc

I wouldn't really classify this as blatant disobeying. DS is aware of the double standard, so the four year old brain could very well be going "I want to see my mom. She won't mind" and he takes off running without bothering to articulate this to DH. A conversation about respecting DH is in order and practicing what to do if you disagree with mom and dad, but I don't really see a consequence being productive in this one. In any case, DH should be the one to discipline for this one because he is the one who was disrespected.

ITA. It doesn't sound like he's blatently disregarding rules (unless there are other examples during other activites), but he's choosing one allowance over another to suit his desire (ie, you allowing him to come in when DH doesn't want him to becuase he wants to see you). Which is totally age appropriate.
I don't really think I would consider it blatently disrespecting your DH either. His little desires trump everything and if he knew you wouldn't be mad then therin lies the crux!
It sound more like he's been caught in the middle of a parental decision so he took the opportunity to use one side instead of the other.

Given "options", even adults will choose the one that suits their needs!


Honestly, it sounds like he needs to be given a final explination on what's expected during these times and be held accountable to it.

If ya'll have different rules when each is "in charge" then he should be point blank told "Daddy is in charge now. Respect his guides." ...and then be held to Daddy's consequences ...and vice versa.

I don't think it's any different than expecting a child to conform to "home rules" versus "school rules".

...unless you two can come together, compromise, and come to a "home rules" consensus.

[Violet2]

That is not blatant disobedience to me, it's something that just needs to be discussed and reinforced--he's listening most of the time kwim? DH needs to do more than say 'don't bother her'. He needs to offer another activity or somehow keep DS downstairs.


V

[mama*pisces]

Originally Posted by HappilyEvrAfter

...unless you two can come together, compromise, and come to a "home rules" consensus.

Ah yes, this is what I would like to see happen. Hopefully without too much disagreement...thanks for your input, mamas.