What is "being a Dad"

[JordanKX]

Tonight, my mom called me on my relationship with DP, my relationship with DSS. Because I defend DP for being a non-biological parent to his SON. Whom he thought was his son for his first 1.5yrs of life, got the icky paternity test, and chose to remain "parent". DSS is now 4.

My parents have some serious antiquated ideals (the fact that we're not married is a big one). But, somewhere in the conversation, I started to question... what does it mean to be "DAD"

My family has issues that he's Not His Son (biologically). Which I fight, cause that's just silly.
But then they state that, he's never paid a CENT for child-support, health-care (which there have been tremendous issues). Their stance is that if he were "DAD" he would pay. So, non-biology, non-paying, makes him an Uncle. A Babysitter. And of course to them, I am not a step-parent... I am an equal babysitter.

What do you think?

[Attached2Elijah]

I sat and tried to think of how to respond on this for a long time... I'm still not sure. Yes, you both can be there for the child and that is wonderful for the child. And it's awesome for him to choose to be a part of the child's life still and will only benefit the child in the long run.

BUT... let me get this right... She pays for the child? She makes ALL the decisions for the child? She does the EVERY day care for the child? She pays for healthcare for the child? And he has no legal rights to do any of the aforementioned things? Sorry, I agree with your parents. He gets to do the FUN things with the child but none of the responsibility? No, that's not being a parent nor step-parent. Unless he legally adopts this child and participates in all of the things I already mentioned, then no he is not a Dad and you are not a step-parent and saying so is diminishing every single step-parent/parent's responsibility out there. As a step-parent, I have sweat, bled and cried over my step-kids and every decision ever made in their lives. I have sat beside my husband as he fought tooth and nail with the BM and her decisions for their well-being. We have struggled while my husband has supported 2 families, financially and emotionally. I sat beside my husband as he fought in court over the things she has done. Being a parent is NOT just loving the child, unfortunately. There are UGLY sides of parenting/step-parenting and if you don't have to deal with those because, legally, you don't HAVE to... no, I don't think that's parenting. If you told me he was paying child support, healthcare and making legal decisions for the child, this would be a different post all together. Legally adopting him would change the tune a little

And I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings or if you think I'm being nasty. I'm not trying to... it's just my opinion.

[lolar2]

Saw this on new post so this isn't really my territory, but you and your DH sound like god-parents (in the secular sense).

[JordanKX]

Attached - you did NOT hurt my feelings. No way. This is exactly why i'm asking - because I'm seriously starting to reconsider this whole situation, namely MY place in it, which is reflected by DP's place.

Nope. he's never paid for anything. Ever.
He pays for things while DSS is here, of course - food, housing, clothes, toys - which is 1-2 days a week. But he's gotten sick twice while being with us, and DP takes him back to his mom. He's never been to a doctor/dentist, anything, with him - and not paid, nor offered to help pay.
She pays for daycare. Only a month ago, because of my continued prodding, did he ask even Where he goes to child care. He didn't know.

Last night I found myself defending him, and realized... what am I really defending? Actually, my family might be right - there's nothing to defend. He's not a parent, I'm not his step-parent.... we are "God-parents", babysitters, auntie-uncle people that he spends time with.

I appreciate your input. No feelings hurt here. Thank you!

[mtiger]

Well, legally, he likely CAN'T take him to a doctor w/o Mom's permission. I know if either of mine need to go and I can't take them, I need to send/fax authorization for them to be seen when my Mom brings them.

But I DO think there's more to parenting than having the fun parts w/o taking any real responsibility. Even if kiddo doesn't need to go to the doctor, a parent should be willing and able to care for him, hold him as he vomits, apply cold compresses when he's got a fever, get up at night to check him, etc. That's what a *parent* does. The fun times are.... fun. Parenting is work. Hard work.

And, while I hate to say it, someone should. You're getting a view of what kind of parent your DP is. Is that the kind of parent you want to share a child with yourself? Rhetorical question, btw. Just something for you to think about.

[LionessMom]

Originally Posted by JordanKX

Attached - you did NOT hurt my feelings. No way. This is exactly why i'm asking - because I'm seriously starting to reconsider this whole situation, namely MY place in it, which is reflected by DP's place.

Nope. he's never paid for anything. Ever.
He pays for things while DSS is here, of course - food, housing, clothes, toys - which is 1-2 days a week. But he's gotten sick twice while being with us, and DP takes him back to his mom. He's never been to a doctor/dentist, anything, with him - and not paid, nor offered to help pay.
She pays for daycare. Only a month ago, because of my continued prodding, did he ask even Where he goes to child care. He didn't know.

Last night I found myself defending him, and realized... what am I really defending? Actually, my family might be right - there's nothing to defend. He's not a parent, I'm not his step-parent.... we are "God-parents", babysitters, auntie-uncle people that he spends time with.

I appreciate your input. No feelings hurt here. Thank you!

i say "how silly"
dsd's bio mom pays for nothing, has hardly any rights, makes no med decisions, makes no decisions at all, and gets to do te fun stuff. she is still a parent.

if he is trying to be this kids dad then that is great! i really think the kid should know his bio dad too, but sometimes that isnt the best choice. technically you guys are god parents, but so what. DH and i have been together for 7 years but only married for 1. i was still dsd's step mom. do you love that kid? do you want to be a step mom? how does bio mom feel? if it all works for the rest of you then that is awesome. it doesnt amtter what anyone else thinks. it matters what your heart thinks. be prepared for it to change though. if he has no legal rights, bio mom can decide when to end the relationship. and that can hurt. i have lost step kids thhat way. previous relationships that the man had kids. i got to love them for awhile and then they were gone. i can only hope that my love for that year or 2 helped shape them into good people.

[provocativa]

we have a good buddy in a similar situation- he started dating the mom when mom was a few months pregnant with B. years later they had a child together- C, and then broke up (they were never married). he is the only father B has ever known. while he has never paid child support for B, B comes with C when she visits him, and the extended family all consider B part of the family too. He buys B things, feeds him, takes care when sick and does the hard stuff too- Dad talks and whatnot, dealing with the kids' problems. The mom does the doctor stuff for both kids I think, but because she is better at it. The Dad is allowed to make big decisions for the kid- like giving him permission to do or try something. Dad is low income but gives the mom extra money outside child support for 'them', not just his daughter. B is a teenager now, and C is 10. B would really be in a worse place mentally now, if every man in his life had rejected him. But he is stable and has a dad, and grandma and aunts and crazy cousins. Everyone is fine with the situation and calls B his son- because by this point he is his son. But, the mom and dad are really good friends still, after the initial breakup tension, so maybe that makes a difference.

[happysmileylady]

Legally speaking, my DH is my dd1's stepdad. However, he's DAD. The one on the bc pays child support...and that's it. He saw her once the day after she was born (and btw, brought another girl to the hospital with him, who he had JUST started dating, whatever) and then again once when she was 2. That's IT. There has been NO other contact at all. None. DH does everything else, he IS the parent. He and I make decisions together regarding whether she plays soccer, goes on dates, discipline her for getting her homework done etc etc. And while we get child support, it is DH's income that primarily supports our whole family.

Being a parent is not just seeing your kid, it's not just cooking dinner occasionally. It's making the decisions and taking the responsibity of the long term raising of the child. It's taking care of a sick child, it's driving the child to ball practice every night, it's deciding just what the limits should be on the tv, the computer etc.

The situation you describe here

Nope. he's never paid for anything. Ever.
He pays for things while DSS is here, of course - food, housing, clothes, toys - which is 1-2 days a week. But he's gotten sick twice while being with us, and DP takes him back to his mom. He's never been to a doctor/dentist, anything, with him - and not paid, nor offered to help pay.
She pays for daycare. Only a month ago, because of my continued prodding, did he ask even Where he goes to child care. He didn't know

is one similar to the role my parents often play, or my siblings. My kids go to visit our families on a regular basis, in fact, my oldest just spent the night with my mom last night, she's still there. While she's there, they of course pay for the food and such that she uses. If she gets sick, she comes home. They don't come to the doctor or dentist with me. In fact, they often pay for all of her clothes, they actually tend to provide the clothing for all their grandchildren because they love to buy kids clothes and can afford it.

The fact that your partner didn't even ask or care to ask WHERE the child goes to daycare, let alone pay for it, is a pretty strong indication that he's not fulfilling a parenting role. Perhaps the role of an uncle, a mentor, a friend, but not a parent.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by LionessMom

i say "how silly"
dsd's bio mom pays for nothing, has hardly any rights, makes no med decisions, makes no decisions at all, and gets to do te fun stuff. she is still a parent.

But she birthed your sd, yes? This guy is not the biological father, provides no financial support, has no legal claim, so no, he's not the father. He may be a father figure, or male role model to the child, but he is not "dad."

[JordanKX]

So my question now, is... what do I do with this? It's been 2.5yrs trying to figure this situation out. Lil things coming up here and there - most recently, the daycare situation, crazy late in finding out that DSS was even in daycare, and that no one asked who/where/$$.... I was just flabbergasted.

This new-found definition (in my brain) doesn't change the way I feel, of course not! But it does change a bit about how I act.... such as not being so surprised about things, not feeling "left-out", not feeling like we should be doing more. If we are "god-parents", then it makes sense that we're not part of decision making. So, I suppose it relieves a bit of tension inside of me.

But in the long run, what does this mean?
Oh, it's all so very confusing.

[Oh the Irony]

Do the child and the mom consider him dad? Does the child call him dad? Does mom refer to him as dad? Does she share any decision making with him at all? Does she give you a regular schedule or does she drop him off when she needs childcare? Is the mom remarried with a partner?

I think those questions also play into it. Dads can still have visitation without paying child support. They are not supposed to be dependent upon each other.

Though yeah, the fact that he hasn't contributed to the cost of raising the child takes away from his dad-ness.

Do you all have any legal rights at all?? Is there any way to get them? If he really wants that father position and the mom wants him to have it I think they should try and establish some legal rights for him and child support for her. If she doesn't want that (which I would sympathize with her there) then you all perhaps need to rethink your roles...which it sounds like you are doing. Good luck--does not sound easy.

[treeoflife3]

My biological father paid child support until I aged out of it. I often refer to him as a sperm donor. He definitely wasn't a dad no matter how much he paid.

Growing up without one (I met him briefly the summer I turned 11 before he completely disappeared and that is ALL the contact I ever had) I've often thought on what a 'dad' is. when I think of a 'dad' I think of someone who provides love and emotional support. A safe place for a child to be and a safe person for the child to trust. Someone for the child to look up to and learn from. All I ever really wanted from my own father was just acknowledgement that I existed. a card for birthdays and christmas. A phone call once in a while. I didn't even care about seeing him... just having him in my life. He chose not to be and I chose to think of him as a sperm donor... who conveniently pays my mom a bit of money to buy me food and clothes.

Now, your DP doesn't provide anything but the fun stuff which people can definitely argue means he isn't 'dad' but just an uncle or mentor. With my own experiences and desires though, I could simply see him as a loving dad who has so far failed at taking responsibility for the serious things.

I honestly believe that if the child's mom trusts your DP and if the child loves your DP and if your DP loves the child, there is no real reason why he CAN'T be 'dad.' However, because he isn't biological and does little in the way of serious unfun responsibility it is definitely a matter of what the child and mom think/feel.

If your DP desires to be a 'dad' in the more serious responsible sense of the word, I think he should discuss it with the mom. See how she feels. Maybe she is happy with their current set up and still considers him dad. Maybe she'd love for him to take on more responsibility and they can work out those details. Maybe she'd love for him to adopt the child and be a legal parent thus requiring he take on all the responsibility that is expected of a 'dad.'

I don't know... it definitely depends on the people involved; but from where I'm sitting, he could potentially still be considered a 'dad.' He is certainly more like a dad to that child than I ever had.

[JordanKX]

Originally Posted by Oh the Irony

Do the child and the mom consider him dad? Does the child call him dad? Does mom refer to him as dad? Does she share any decision making with him at all? Does she give you a regular schedule or does she drop him off when she needs childcare? Is the mom remarried with a partner?

Do you all have any legal rights at all?? Is there any way to get them?

Now changing my brain around to this idea of "god-parenting" instead of "parenting" (and step-parenting), some of the answers to these questions make more sense.

There is a tentative schedule - normally 1-2 days a week on the weekend. But if either DP or mom flakes on that, the other doesn't worry, or get upset, or call the other one.

Mom is remarried with another child. DSS calls his step-father "dad", has until recently called DSS "Dad", but just in the last few months, started calling him by his first name. Whether this is prompted by mom, or just a phase, who knows.

Mom does not share any decision making with him - often doesn't tell him: daycare, DSS's recent surgery, potty-training, nothing. Which also doesn't seem to bother DP. (it's these things that have really prompted me into re-evaluating this situation). Mom communicates with DP's extended family (the grandparents) more than she really talks to DP. They just have your basic drop-off, catch-up conversations.

Legal rights - No. Because he's not the bio-parent and not on the birth certificate, he has no rights. They could do something in this area, but haven't. I suspect she has done something with her current husband - at least DSS is on his health-insurance, so I'm sure step-dad is listed as some type of guardian.

[JordanKX]

Originally Posted by treeoflife3

My biological father paid child support until I aged out of it. I often refer to him as a sperm donor. He definitely wasn't a dad no matter how much he paid.

Growing up without one (I met him briefly the summer I turned 11 before he completely disappeared and that is ALL the contact I ever had) I've often thought on what a 'dad' is. when I think of a 'dad' I think of someone who provides love and emotional support. A safe place for a child to be and a safe person for the child to trust. Someone for the child to look up to and learn from. All I ever really wanted from my own father was just acknowledgement that I existed. a card for birthdays and christmas. A phone call once in a while. I didn't even care about seeing him... just having him in my life. He chose not to be and I chose to think of him as a sperm donor... who conveniently pays my mom a bit of money to buy me food and clothes.

This is an excellent point. Just because you provide the biology, and some financial backing doesn't necessarily make you "Dad" either. My step-sisters father was the same way. He was involved in decisions - braces, health-care, school systems, first car, etc. And provided monies for those things. But he wasn't around, emotionally or physically. Sometimes less than once a year would they see each other. MY father was much more her "Dad" than her biological father, because he was there every day helping with homework and giving hugs.
Still, she always knew who her "dad" was, and called my father (her step-dad) by his first name. On her wedding, she had both give her away, which I thought was rather charming.