14 mnth old starting childcare (long sorry)

[betony707]

Hi everyone! I am totally stressing about this issue and am hoping to get some straight-forward information from those of you who have been there.

I am a single mom to an almost 14 month old. I have managed to survive financially so far on unemployment (the business I worked at closed while I was on leave) but it has been a struggle. Finally a position in my field has opened up locally and I have an interview next Friday.

When I submitted my application, the plan was to have my mother watch my son during my work hours, but she has had some health problems and doesnt feel up to watching a busy toddler 4.5 hrs a day,5 days a week. So now I am looking into childcare. We are visting a local center this week to see how I feel about it and how my son reacts to the environment.

I am concerned about how he is going to react to being in childcare. He stays with my mom 1 night a week for 3 1/2 hours during a college class; we are 2 weeks in and it is going well so far. But he is VERY cautious around strangers. I am basically attatchment parenting , he is still breastfeeding although only a couple times a day, and he is used to me ALWAYS being there - until the class started he had stayed with my mom for less than 2 hours duration and only a few times just when I had Dr appointments and such. (This is because of lack of a babysitter - I would have accepted taking some breaks with no guilt!)

I guess my main concerns are:

1) I have a very secure, confident baby and I hate the thought of damaging that

2) We have no separation anxiety issues - is this going to create them?

3)We have managed to avoid/nip in the bud aggression issues (hitting/biting, etc) and my son is so wonderful when it comes to playing with other children,sharing,and so confused when they act aggressively toward him. I know that this can't last forever, but again why borrow trouble and create a problem where one doesn't exist?

4) My heart aches at just the thought of him being so sad and abandoned-feeling during the transition period, even if he will work through it in time.

5)My son was a very high-needs baby who has become much more relaxed and "easier" as he has matured, and I credit some of this to my efforts in responding to his needs, keeping a basic routine (he REALLY hates big disruptions), keeping a calm home environment, etc. I hate the idea of having a fussy stressed out kid on top of me working and finishing college.

Oh I am so torn about this! Ironically I myself am a preschool teacher, & I know a lot of the childcare providers in this area, so fortunately I am confident that he would be in a quality program. And I keep trying to remind myself that the socialization and stimulation could be a very positive thing for him.

Geez this is so long, sorrrrrry!!! If you have made it this far, could you share your thoughts and experiences (good & bad)? Thanks for your time!!!

[lolar2]

Originally Posted by betony707

1) I have a very secure, confident baby and I hate the thought of damaging that

Plenty of secure, confident babies go to daycare as long as it is a good daycare, and you said you were confident of that.

2) We have no separation anxiety issues - is this going to create them?

3)We have managed to avoid/nip in the bud aggression issues (hitting/biting, etc) and my son is so wonderful when it comes to playing with other children,sharing,and so confused when they act aggressively toward him. I know that this can't last forever, but again why borrow trouble and create a problem where one doesn't exist?

Your baby (as I'm sure you know) is getting to the age where separation anxiety and aggression issues really come out naturally. So you soon will be dealing with them to some extent no matter what.

4) My heart aches at just the thought of him being so sad and abandoned-feeling during the transition period, even if he will work through it in time.

There is just no way (again, as you know) to predict whether he will or won't feel sad and abandoned. He may or he may not.

5)My son was a very high-needs baby who has become much more relaxed and "easier" as he has matured, and I credit some of this to my efforts in responding to his needs, keeping a basic routine (he REALLY hates big disruptions), keeping a calm home environment, etc. I hate the idea of having a fussy stressed out kid on top of me working and finishing college.

When you pick a daycare, try to find a calm one with a solid routine. They exist, and with luck they may exist in your area.

My own experience is that DS used to have a very easy time separating when he started daycare at 5 months, then started having trouble now and then when he was around 15 months, then it was always easy again when he got closer to 2. Then around 2 1/2-3 he had trouble again, but now at 3-and-a-bit I think he is going to have an easy time again (we just moved so he hasn't really started at his new school, but that is my best guess).

[nextcommercial]

I have a daycare, and my new toddlers always cry at drop off for the first week or two. But, never past the second week.

My other kids run in and yell "JOHNNY!" when another child arrives. (obviously, they use the child's real name) And, "johnny" might be shy, but it's still nice to have that kind of reception every morning.

In the beginning, the FIRST moment the child stops crying and is playing happily, I take a picture with my phone and send it to the mom. (it's harder on mom) and throughout the day, I'll snap pictures of the child so mom can see how the day goes.

Sometimes the toddler stops crying and is already playing before Mommy is even near the freeway, so it makes her day feel much better. I can't imagine thinking he's crying all day while I work. It would ruin my day.

Some kids take longer than others, but they all warm up and make good friends. It becomes "their" place and they always love it.

[Belia]

My son was just over a year old when he started daycare. He sounds a lot like your LO in that he is/was a pretty secure and confident little guy who had / has no aggression issues. Just like your boy, he's a good sharer and just looks confused when other kids are aggressive or mean. He also wasn't high needs in any sense as an infant, so that part is different.

And my son has THRIVED in daycare. Like you, I visited a couple of options but when it came time to make the decision I really relied on my gut. Where could I see my son? What seemed to be the best fit We ended up in a MOntessori program, not necessairly because of the M method but because of the "feel" I got from the staff, the physical space, and the earth-crunchiness of it all.

Seriously, DS has just bloomed. Sure, some days are better than others in terms of separation anxiety, but overall he loves school and loves his teachers and has zero problems being dropped off. He is doing so much more than I ever would have thought he could. And I am not talking about "You Baby Can Read" or anything like that, but interacting with others and helping and contributing to the daily routine.

We've been off for the summer, but last spring when I would pick him up all of the other kids would run TO me for a hug, but DS would run AWAY from me so that he could stay and keep playing.

Seriously, I'm trying to think of a single negative result of him being in school and I can't think of one. Except for the increased sicknesses / colds he's brought home, which would happen anywhere.

YMMV, and to be fair I pick DS up every day at about 3:00 so our day may be shorter than many, and every kid is different, but have faith! It's not always a disaster!

[betony707]

Thanks to all for the replies

Lolar2 - I agree that being in daycare doesnt mean a child will be insecure, I think I am concerned mainly that the *change* in my boys world will effect his security, especially at this stage in his development. You reminded me of something very important - I shouldn't rush to blame changes in him on being in daycare since there are a whole host of changes that are in the near future regardless of his environment. It is so easy to forget that!

nextcommercial- I love that you send the picture to the moms that is so thoughtful. I think many times it is harder on the moms and I am really trying to keep this in perspective which I think is part of what this post was about!!

Belia - I so hope that is how it turns out for us! This would just be a half day too at this point, so hopefully that will make it easier for him. The increased sickness is something I am just dreading as I will be returning to a preschool classroom as well if all works out - so we will be exposed to EVERYTHING!!!!

Thanks again - I am still stressing about this whole issue but especially after reading what everyone has to say I feel that if we can survive the first couple weeks it could be a very positive thing for my son. He gets bored at home, and he would really enjoy the projects and sociaizing. Not to mention how great I would feel getting out of the house and working again - I have been going stir-crazy lol.

[donna-nb]

I just started reading this forum after a very hard first day of daycare for my 15 mo old boy. He is similar in personality to the little ones mentioned here- -secure, attached, happy, non-aggressive, etc. I see that, betony, your boy is vac-free-- the day care my boy is affiliated with the state and i needed to have the minimum done-- they gave me a hard time for simply delaying some.

QUESTION to all those posting here-

how do you handle the transition/ change in naptime routine? i usually nurse him to sleep. when he's with a grandma, he gets a bottle of expressed milk and is held, then rocked. they have 6 kids to 2 teachers, and can't always do that.

(i have some other questions-- i think i may start a thread. i (and my son) are totally new to the whole daycare thing)