keeping your own anger in check

[dotcommama]

I have been struggling with this for a while. I want not to yell, but when I feel angry - I lose it.

I finally found a good suggestion that is really helping me reach my goal on not yelling. I have not yelled in 5 days - not once. Maybe that doesn't seem like something to brag about, but for me it's a big deal and I hope to keep it up.

The suggestions is called positive self-talk. Basically it's the dialogue you have with yourself in your head.

For example you tell you child for the 100th time not to pick up the cat by it's tail and he doesn't listen, mean while the baby is crying in your arms to nurse and your older child is asking you for a snack. Now normally in my head I'm thinking, "G#d D#@mit why don't you ever listen to me - I just can't deal with this," etc. . . and then I yell.

So instead of saying all those negative things what I'm doing instead is this, "I can handle this calmly. Why isn't he listening to me, ok he's 3 and he doesn't understand it hurts the cat. I can take care of everyone in turn. I can remain calm."

Truthfully, when I read this suggestion in a book I thought that's stupid there's no way that's going to make a difference, but it really does.

[bec]

Thanks for posting this! I've been having a hard time with this myself lately. I lose it, yell, then feel horrible for it.

I'll be trying it today!

[imkissinboys]

yep, i'm in the same place. I hate to yell and when I do I feel like such a jerk. The other day I was tying to go to the bathroom and older ds kept coming in and asking about can he do this or that ( all stuff he knew was a no like play with daddys tools etc.) Baby ds just wanted to come in and hand me toilet paper. I drew the line at letting him wipe and he went loco. Crying at the top of his lungs. I JUST WANNA PEE !!!!! So I started yelling. Of course everyone started crying and I felt like a monster. It seems like this sort of thing happens all day.

I could use some good advice on this too. Positive talking to myself works sometimes but I think I might be too far gone. I need drastic measures.

[dotcommama]

Oh good I'm not the only yeller trying to reform

I hope others can add helpful suggestions for us all.

The other two things that I think help a lot:

#1: Spend time outside. I live in a really small house where my kids are practically in my lap every second of the day, so going outside gives me a little space to breath and center myself and gives the kids some time to be wild where they won't break anything or hurt themselves/each other.

#2: Play music. I don't know why this work, but I swear my kids behave so much better if there is music on in the background and walking around singing my favorite songs really keeps me calm. In fact I have been known, when one my children is whining and refuses to speak in a non-whining voice, to just sing away and pretend like I don't hear the whining

imkissinboys - I totally relate to your bathroom incident! Ahhh - I look forward to the day when I can pee without it being a major event in my house.

[Nursingnaturalmom]

Thank You so much ladies for this post. YOu have no idea how much I needed to see that I am not the only yeller. I try, I really really try. But, then I lose it and I feel like such a bad Mom.

I am going to try that self talk and see if it works

[hipumpkins]

Excellent suggestion! Thanks!!

[ja mama]

And when you're negative self talk gets so bad it's louder than your positive, talk out loud. I can do this, I am smart enough to get him in the stroller, I won't be swayed, I am a mountain... Saying it outloud the few times I've needed to hear myself say it, usually cracks me up after a minute. Then I can turn the internal dialogue on. It's almost like I have to get my own attention. Muttering pep talks to myself instead of what I'm gonna do if he doesn't ...

It does make a much bigger difference than you'd think. Somehow it keeps you calm enough to use that energy to think of your next move and follow through.

[bec]

It worked!

At least, it has worked today. I had to close my eyes and talk to myself for a few moments a couple of times, but it worked!

And I hear you about getting outside! That's part of our problem, lately. I'm exhausted, and it's crappy outside.

At least she's out running around with an older neighbor girl that helps out twice a week. It's 50 degrees, so I was determined to get her out. And the baby is taking a nice long nap!

And it's Friday!

Things are looking up!


Bec

[dotcommama]

yea bec! I'm glad it's working for you. Keep it up!

I took my boys out in the snow today to get them outside for a bit. They had such a good time, but damn I'm really sick of snow and ready for some warm days.

End of day five and still no yelling - I'm crossing my fingers I can keep it up over the weekend!

[Bearsmama]

Dotcom-Thanks for your post. I've been struggling with yelling for a while now. DS is 2, challengin, spirited, etc. But I know that outside forces shouldn't always dictate my response. I am lacking in the positive self-talk department. And I will really try to incorporate this into my parenting. Thanks.

[aussiemum]

The fact that I yell has really been getting me down lately. I have cut back, but can't get rid of it altogether, so I will try some of these suggestions. Sometimes my stress seems to be hormonal- it is possible to have PMT for two weeks out of four? Cuz I seem to get these yelling cycles happening & its related to what time of the month is it. I count, too. As in up to ten, just to get a handle on my temper, but sometimes I could just keep on counting.... & counting....

[Liz]

Count me in! A couple things that help sometimes:

1. I tell my son how I am feeling. Not in a threatening way but it helps if I have to slow down and explain in terms a 3 year old might understand why I am feeling the way I am feeling. Helps me understand too.
2. If my son is pushing my buttons I think about how he wants me to get mad so if I don't want to give in then I can't get mad. Does that make sense? Because it really works. If I don't give in and get mad after a few days he stops that behaviour. He's almost four now so I actually say, "You're not going to get me mad, sweetie. Nope, ain't gonna happen."
3. Yelling leads to yelling, stop the cycle. And it feels so good when I am able to control myself.

[muse]

Originally posted by aussiemum
it is possible to have PMT for two weeks out of four? Cuz I seem to get these yelling cycles happening & its related to what time of the month is it.

Me too! Basically I have one week a month when I'm feeling prety balanced.

i'm going to try this positive talk thing. I also sometimes just walk out of the room whenever possible or do something physical (hit a pillow) to get the energy out (not in front of DS).

[dirtlovinmama]

I have been so stressed out as a newly single mom (well 6 months ago I left), trying to work from home, dealing with my aging parents who are lacking support and I am picking up the slack, and dd's dad is constantly in need of reminders about boundaries and limits....UGH! I yell, not daily, but often enough....here are my suggestions for coping:

...I hold dd, sleep with her, BF, and listen to plenty of great music...getting rid of my TV eliminated like atleast half of all the power struggles I was yelling about (and she doesn't ever seem to miss it or is bored but our house is a lot messier with projects and such though)

I have had a lot of therapy, and have worked on self talk too...this always helps atleast a bit...it is hard to yell when I am telling myself...I Love me, I love her, I want to find balance," and I do the check list of everything that helps. BF almost is always an instant calming diverting major powerstruggles tool...

Hang in there Mama's, we are not bad moms because we yell; we are working on our issues and growing everyday.

Namaste

[Devaskyla]

This is something both dh & I really need to work on. We're both yellers and I HATE it. I think we were getting a bit better, but at the moment we're getting ready to move and we're both massively stressed and not sleeping well and we seem to be yelling at ds a lot again.

I've sent this thread to dh. And I'll try the positive thing, but I don't think it will work for me, since my yelling is never prefaced by any kind of thoughts about how he's getting on my nerves or whatever, it just seems to come out of nowhere.

[luckylady]

I haven't been here in SOOOOOO long because my resolution was to stop wasting so mcuh time on these boards but I come here because of this EXACT thing, and here it is, and I am not alone. *sigh*

DD is 2 next month and VERY spirited. Always has been. Needs CONSTANT interaction from me and finds the ONE thing I ask her not to do and does it. And then I blow up and yell and feel like a sh*t afterwards. I feel like I am turning into MY mom who was a yeller, but she also called me names and so far I have called her a brat and I have cussed at DD.

Well today she threw a huge tantrum with a capitol T about me not letting her watch a video. (I am seriously thinking of tossing that stupid TV - she doesn't even watch that much, but still!) It was pretty bad. But I just closed my eyes and said GOD, grant me patience. It worked.

I will try the suggestions above also.

Man, this is hard. This sucks. Having a child really forces you to examine yourself under a microscope.

I feel better knowing that other AP moms struggle with this. I was starting to really beat myself up about it - even feel like I am abusing my DD with my anger.

[dotcommama]

to all of you - I feel like I'm in good company and we're working on this together.

My kids are all asleep and I've officially made it one whole week without yelling.

This weekend was a huge challenge. My 6 yr old was in an awful mood on Saturday. We went to the grocery store and he whined the whole way through and then we got home and he just kept on whining and complaining about everything. I didn't yell once - I even gave him a hug and told him I was sorry he was feeling so sad today. Normally his whining has me insane and I just remained calm - telling myself it was just whining and that it was not going to get me upset.

I feel really good because dh has been inspired by my example and is also trying not to yell. I hope soon that it will reduce the yelling my children do too, because I know that kids learn through example far more than they learn what you tell them.

This week was so peaceful. Yes the kids did whine and get in trouble through out the week, but I handled it calmly and yet still effectively.

How was your week?

Anyone else have any good calming tips?

I feel so good and I hope this feeling motivates me to keep working on keeping myself calm.

[aussiemum]

Sometimes, when DS or DD are screaming in my face I send them off to their rooms until they can stop screaming at me. (and to keep me from screaming back) As soon as they quit & want to talk they can come out. But I'm on the fence with this technique- not sure if I like it or not? : Any thoughts on that one?

I have tried the hold them until they calm down thing. I get physically attacked then. My glasses have been knocked off my face & bent, bit, scratched, etc. so I just haven't been real comfortable with that either......

BTW- congrats on a week without yelling, dotcommama!

[Bearsmama]

Thanks again for this thread, ladies. Helping me realize that we are all struggling to get better in some ways. I have issues with anger, too-and it's usually lack-of-sleep driven.

Thank you, thank you!

[dotcommama]

Bearsmama

I have been doing really well and have not yelled, but I swear my kids are trying their hardest to make me.

I don't think they do it on purpose, but I've noticed that when I change my method of discipline at first they are very well behaved and then it seems like they become really difficult for a few weeks - as if they are testing me to see if I will go back to my old ways. I just keep telling myself to ride out the storm and it will get better. I sure as heck hope so!

My oldest has kicked me twice this week - something he hasn't done in years, he's also just been extremely whiney and prone to grumpiness. My middle child has been really rough with his little brother.

I've been trying to deal with these things very gently. I put my oldest in time out for hurting me, but I did it very calmly and gently - despite the fact that I felt very angry. I just kept telling myself I could handle it calmly and that yelling was going to make it worse, not better.

I have also been trying to verbalize my feeling to my children instead of bursting out with yelling. I've been saying out loud, "I'm feeling really angry right now because of x." I'm hoping that this is good modeling for my children so they can express their emotions also.

I have also walked away from them and explained; “I’m feeling angry right now. I’m going to go in my room for a minute and be alone and let go of my anger, then we can discuss x.”

If anyone has more tips for keeping calm – PLEASE post them!