6yo Asperger's DS violent with 15mo DD

[Still_Learning]

I need some help here, am at a total loss. My 6yo son with Asperger's has become increasinly viloent with my 15mo DD. It's a hard situation as she's been very mobile for a while and adores her brother, so any time he's near she goes to him and wants to play. Of course she messes up what ever he's doing and he reacts my pushing her, biting her, hitting her....

The biting, he hasn't done it hard YET. The hitting, same, not too hard. Pushing, HARD. He'll be on the couch, she toddles up adn he'll use his foot to push her very very hard. Obviously, none of that is acceptable (just trying to protray an accurate picture)

I don't know what to do. Nothing is working. I've tried punishment (I've always reserved time out for serious offenses, we try to use positive parenting as much as possible). I just can't help but flip out and make him go to his room when I see the baby being pushed 3 feet across the room. I have to seperate him from me as I'm so upset I don't want to lose my temper.

I was going to try a behavior chart with him out of desperation. (Those things squig me out...the whole "do this get a treat" thing). He was excited out it but while I was making the darn thing he bit her and I haven't finished it.

Any advice? I need this behavior to stop.

[robin-ma]

Very difficult situation. For some kids, punishment (other than extreme, which I'm figuring you're not interested in right now) doesn't work because they forget when they are so focused on what they want to do at that moment that consequences aren't in their mind. What does your son say for the reason he does it? Is he able to articulate? It sounds like he just wants to do some projects without them getting ruined. That doesn't seem unreasonable. I'm guessing your toddler wants desperately to be with him, but do you think your son is entitled to some uninterrupted time? Is there a way to keep them separate sometimes? Have you asked ds for ideas on how to solve the problem?

[Eyelet]

If your DS is able to understand reasoning, as the PP said, ask him why he's doing it and go from there. Separate them when he's over stimulated/out of control. Give the behavior chart a chance and see if it helps.
Perhaps a social story on how to be nice to his sister would help, too.

Or as a last resort, meds?

[Still_Learning]

Thanks. Yes, he's frustrated that he doesn't get any time without her getting into his things, but he refuses to be in a seperate room. He doesn't play independently, or at least very little. He really doesn't like to be alone though, so playing in another room doesn't work.

He says he wishes we didn't have her, that he's tired of sharing his space with her.

I totally understand his frustration, I just don't know what to do. He has a great bedroom that he won't use, a room right next to the main living space that has a baby gate so he could play right there...

Finished the behavior chart and he's excited to see two smiley faces on it already. Maybe it'll work....

[beachcomber]

I'm in a similar boat with my DD (4) and DS (15 mos). She gets very frustrated that he's always into her stuff and often she'll push him away quite hard or if she sees him with one of her toys she'll run and yank it from him even though she wasn't playing with it. Very hard to watch. She doesn't hit or bite but she screams at the top of her voice right in his face. It's scared him a few times but not enough to keep him away from her. I've allowed her to build barriers between them to keep him away which works sometimes. I've also encouraged her to play at the table, which he can't get to. Like your DS, she can't be separated from me for any length of time unless she's having a really good day. One thing I do try to do with her is be very engaged with her during DS's naps. I devote that time to playing with her and focusing on her. We often bake together then - an activity she loves. It helps her feel like she's not stuck sharing me with him all of the time.

[MomFromAway]

We too have this problem with an anxious almost-6 yo and a 16-month old. In our case it is simply about having a bad day, where my son is upset about something probably totally unrelated to his little brother. He acts this way around a friend's little brother when they come to our house as well. He has been aggressive with younger kids since he was, oh, 2. I still haven't figured out how to stop it. I know when he is in "the red zone", as we call it, to be as proactive as possible. We are exhausted by it all.

[beachcomber]

Mom From Away, you've hit on a solid strategy there. Being proactive helps us, too. I've learned with DD that a lot of the time her behavior on a bad day is simply not something she can control, so there's no point in giving her consequences or time outs or whatever. I just try really hard to stop things before they start. A lot of work because it means I'm frantically distracting both of them from each other. All Little Brother wants is to be with Big Sis, you know?

[quaz]

If the issue is that she is messing up whatever he is doing, then it sounds like that is the issue that needs to be solved first.

What is happening is he is then getting frustrating and not able to emotionally regulate, because the emotion is taking over.

We had a LARGE, LONG baby gate. We didnt' use it for ds, but we used it as a barricade to keep ds out of the drawing area. DD would have FLIPPED if ds would have messed up her drawings. In our case, the reaction is extreme emotion, but not the physicality.... I'm speculating some of this is a boy/girl difference. (DD also is not asperger's, but she has some similarities.)

He needs an area that is for the items he doesn't want to have messed up.
Create a barricaded area just for ds. That will help the immediate problem.
A bedroom, I don't think works well in this case, because over here, it would have meant like dd felt like she was being sent away. The area needs to be in the main part of the house and his area.



Then start working on emotional regulation.
There are some good books out there by Dawn Huebner such as...

http://www.amazon.com/What-When-Your...ref=pd_sim_b_1

She has a whole set.


Also set up vocabulary he can start using.
Emotions are on a scale of 1-5. There is a book on amazon about what each number means and what to do if you are at a certain number. It helps put emotions into a manageable level. I think it is written specifically with aspergers in mind.
Okay, I found it. This one I haven't read, but I have considered it. (I have several of the books I mentioned above (Dawn Huebner) and I'm happy with those.)

http://www.amazon.com/My-Book-Full-F...ref=pd_sim_b_3
http://www.amazon.com/Incredible-Ass...d_bxgy_b_img_c

ETA: Ooops. Sorry. I thought I was on a different board. Hopefully a bit of the above helps anyway.

Tammy

[mrsfru]

We have very similar experiences here. My older son is 5 and younger is 2. The 5 yr old has Aspergers.

Since most kids w/Aspergers are very visual and have specialized interests, a chart with set rewards CAN help. A LOT. I know you might not be comfy offering "rewards" for behavior a child should offer on his/her own, but let's face it, our kids don't react typically and have to be taught sometimes how to react. Rewarding the right behavior can help make it stick a lot faster and a lot better. I get rewarded when I work...why should kids be all that different?

My son is very concrete and very visual. A chart gives him something he can actually *see* his progress on--it helps compensate for the many times he is being looked down on for poor reactions and not-so-great behavior. I can revisit the chart w/him and show him the times he'd done really well. It hurts him a lot when he can't keep it together, and that takes it's toll on his self esteem and attitude. The reward he gets helps him remember what he needs to do. And it has not turned into a reward for every little thing--he is starting to slowly generalize.

Right now, he is working towards maintaining some form of composure on trips to the grocery store or a similar "store". He needs to get 3 stickers within one week to earn the prize that he wants (some Pokemon character). The sticking point is that I no longer "buy" prizes for things--he can choose an outing of some sort, like the Zoo or a play place, OR he can choose to spend some of his own money he's earned on an item he wants.

Implementing these charts and occasional rewards has been VERY worthwhile.

I've also set up specific times when I give the kids activities to do together, and I monitor super carefully the interaction (not obvious to the kids), and I try to anticipate for H what his little brother might do. I narrate, I step in and remind H to take a deep breath and use his words, I help him practice what to say. (Things like, "I don't like it when you knock down my tower. Please stop." or "Would you like to play with the trains?" Things that communicate his wishes or needs to his brother, allow him to stand up for himself politely, and resolve the situation on his own. These aren't things he is figuring out on his own--he needs us to help teach him, and it's working.) For the "other" times--those when I know I can't be fully present--I try to maintain the environment in a way that's more conducive and less competitive to them playing together nicely or in different rooms on different projects or toys.

H's big "currency" is actually money--he now gets that he can choose and buy things w/it. He's earning his own allowance, some of which he may keep and some must go into savings. But we do "penalties"...infractions are charged $.25 and go in the penalty jar. To keep things "fair", we all have to pay penalties at times...in fact, I've earned 2 this week for swearing! LOL (And trust me, he doesn't let me forget it, either!) Keeping tabs on every one's penalties also keeps him from feeling singled out, which seems to produce even more behavior issues.

We also added medication a few months ago (Zoloft for anxiety) . I was really reluctant to try it, but it has helped tremendously. My only regret is that I didn't try it 6-10 mos before we did!

I hope that helps--I'm falling asleep now (-:

GL!

mrsfru

[twilight girl]

My daughter is not on the spectrum,but she is ADHD. She also has food intolerance issues with eggs, dairy, and wheat. Her frustration, anger get dialed up many notches, while her ability to control her reactions is dialed down several notches when she is under the influence of the offending foods. Have you ever had your son tested for food intolerance? That might be something to look into. Otherwise, with that kind of age difference, he really should have a space of his own that is inaccessible to his toddler sister. That way he knows that he has a place where she can't mess up his stuff. Good luck!