|As for outings I guess I will have to cancel things if they wont listen. But it punishes me too since I wont be able to go out either. This is going to be very difficult.
Well, either way you're "punished"--staying home, or going out with children who behave like that. Neither one is fun. So, the solution is to get the behavior situation under control and then you can *all* go out and enjoy yourselves. But doing that will require being very consistent about it for as long as it takes--this isn't going to solve itself in two weeks, as it's been going on for 5 years
I think you can absolutely accomplish lilyka's bedtime idea without anger or yelling. Maybe wrapping your mind around the idea that you can
be firm without being angry/yelling would be a good place to start? You would also need to intercept them before they get to your husband. Get a book and sit down outside their door, where you can immediately (and calmly) turn them around and put them back in their room.
ETA more about your emotional response: With regards to this, I do agree with your husband. There needs to be less yelling, working it's way down to none. I know that you are incredibly frustrated but...for many children a parents high-emotion response is a strange kind of motivator to continue the behavior. Whether it's attention they want, or they just enjoy the "show". You will find discipline much more successful if you can seperate their behavior from your emotions, and separate your discipline from your emotions.
I used to babysit for triplets...I can't think of any other way to describe what they did to their mother except that they delighted
in getting under her skin, from a very early age. They'd team up against her, and they thought it was hilarious to get a response from her. It was a game to them. And she was a very overwhelmed and unhappy mother.
But they behaved very differently for me. And I wasn't Super Nanny or anything, I was just a teenage kid. But the difference was that I didn't care if they missed out on fun or if we stayed home because of their behavior.
I was happy to turn around in the middle of a drive to the park if they didn't behave. And I wasn't emotionally invested in "making them happy" (of course I wanted them to be happy, but I wasn't scared into appeasing them) because I knew I was going home at the end of the day anyway and they could fuss and howl all they wanted.
Observing this as a teen really helped me as a mother later on. I know what's normal for kids, and I know what's acceptable in our home as far as behavior. It helps to keep things reasonable and factual, and when I keep my emotions seperate from what is going on with the kids, I'm better able to if they need discipline (or just a hug), what kind of discipline, and it's more effective.