Moms of 3 or more -- how do you do it? - Page 2

[heathenmom]

I'm so glad I saw this thread. The op could have been describing my life, except my girls are 6 & 3. We *want* another one, but I'm having trouble envisioning the day-to-day reality of it. Life with the 2 we have is INSANE most days. I have a girlfriend with 4, and her house always seems so much calmer (and neater and CLEANER) than mine. Seems like organization helps. I should learn some of that.

[BJlovesherbabies]

I have 4 boys...ages 8 and under. Some days are absolutely crazy...getting out the door can be a real fiasco too but mostly it's just fun and nutty around here. We laugh a lot....laugh at ourselves and each other....the craziness that is our crew. Some days I even dream of another little one running around. Hubby just looks at me like I've grown another head, he says no way, 4 is enough for him!
I think for me, focusing on the fact that my days with them are so numbered. I don't do much outside of my crew....I just don't like being without them. Realizing that I don't have to be perfect all the time and my kids/house/car/ don't have to be clean and perfect constantly takes a big load off as well. I feel like I've been given one shot at raising the best boys I can....I want to love them like there's no tomorrow....who cares if the laundry is folded and put away every day?? Good luck with your decision...no matter what you do it will change your life forever!!!

[ZoraP]

I have three kids, which is why I haven't been on here in ages. But in our case the spacing is different -- the first two are 3 years apart and the last one came 7 years after that. (There's exactly a 10-year gap between no. 1 and no. 3!) I found adjusting to two very difficult (high-needs first child, tandem nursing for over a year, etc.). But adjusting to the third has been just wonderful for all of us. The older two are self-sufficient and helpful and dote on the little one; she's entirely serene and cuddly and has softened all of us up in a way. I even think that adolescence (looming just beyond the horizon) will be easier for the oldest one with the "baby" around, just because we've all sort of reconnected with the beauty of being a family and having littles to love and protect. I am reminded daily of the babies my other two were not so long ago, and this helps me treat them with the gentleness and kindness they still deserve, even if they're almost as tall as I am and they want to borrow my shoes.

At this point I'd love to have just one more, but given our age and other limitations I think we probably won't.

[jillybeans]

I technically have four...one is a foster daughter.
My oldest dd is almost five, then I have two 2.5 yo dd, and another dd that just turned one.

Insane? Sometimes I think so. But I love it. I really really loved the spacing between oldest dd and second dd (2yrs 4months) They are close enough to be the best of friends but far enough apart to be a bit easier on me. The 2nd and 3rd dd are a bit harder (only the first nine months or so though) They are 17months apart. Which was NOT supposed to happen! It took over a year to get pg with #2, and almost a year for #1, so we were shocked when the meds worked right away for #3! Plus, she came five weeks early.

So I have four girls under five,and three under three. It's crazy sometimes, but I wouldn't trade it. They all LOVE to play together, are each other's best friends.

Cons: getting them out and in the car, getting them ready to go (but then again, our nearest gas station is a 1/2 hour away, so can't just leave them with dad!) and when they are sick. Really, those are the only things I can think of. As for having enough time for all of them, both dh and I make it a point to have a "special day" with each child every week-2 weeks. It has helped tremendously. We are also very firm about snuggle time, and each girl gets her fair share without interupption (we're on the couch a lot lol!)
Honestly, I was kind of upset when I thought I was pg and wasn't recently.

[umsami]

For me, I've found that parenting becomes easier with more kids. I never expected it to be that way... but it has. I grew up with one sibling, and always assumed that if I had kids, I'd stop at two. But after I had my first two boys, I didn't feel that our family was done. So, we had another baby...and just had another little guy a month ago. It still doesn't feel done, but at 42, I'm beginning to wonder if I just need to accept that I'm super duper blessed to have four kids (and one would be a giant blessing) and just stop.

Anyways... for me... our kids are all two years apart except for #4 who is 3. So, I have a 7 year old, 5 year old, 3 year old, and newborn. That spacing has worked really well for me because I never really got much out of diapers and waking in the night before the next little one showed up. It would have been much harder IMHO to have gotten used to sleep and then gone back to no sleep. Also like zjande, my expectations/outlook has changed--especially as I realize how quickly they grow up...and how fleeting this time with them as little ones is. I don't get as annoyed by a crying/colicky baby. I find discipline is easier as well--because I know it's a phase... or I know other coping techniques... or know to focus on my goal in the end. Granted, I'm nowhere near perfect... but it is definitely easier.

I've also gotten better at routines and simplifying which helps. DH and I had DS1 about 10 months after we got married. We both married in our mid-30s... so were both pretty set in our ways. I went from having a large disposable income to being a SAHM on a small salary. There were lots of adjustments that I need to make... including learning how to cook dinner (and breakfast and lunch) every day... vs. eating out 99% of the time. Having those adjustments plus a newborn were tough.

Simplifying our possessions...toys....clothes...etc. helps a lot. I am not a naturally neat or organized individual. Yet amazingly enough, with four kids our house is now the cleanest and most organized it's ever been. I'm more apt to buy toys that are more multipurpose/creative. I try and limit clothing. For shoes/socks, we have a shoe rack by the front door with two small boxes for the boys (and another set for my daughter)... one for clean socks, one for dirty. I buy all the same socks (Hanes white ones)...and the boys wear the same size....so it's really easy. When they come in, they put their dirty socks right in the dirty sock box. In the a.m, they know where to find clean socks. I wash them all once per week. Sorting isn't a problem because they're all the same size/style/color.

One thing that's great about more than one kid is that they do all play together pretty well. With four (although only three are able to play right now)... they seem to be able to entertain themselves much better. We just got rid of TV completely for the kids--and I've been surprised at how easy it's been. They accepted it pretty well--and are playing together even better than ever.

You know yourself and your limits--but honestly, I never ever would have thought that I would have four kids or how easy it would be. Don't underestimate yourself.

[FillingMyQuiver]

zjande~ I big puffy heart YOU

I have 4 children and am currently pg w/ #5 (secretly praying it's 5 & 6 actually). My oldest is 6.5yo, my youngest is 21mo.

I strive to be the mother zjande described. I love my big family, each of my children, though 2 were surprises, are each a blessing to DH and I. I am a Christian, and just as zjande explained, I am so thankful for the gifts my God has entrusted to DH and I.

We do a lot that zjande described. We just started our 2nd year of homeschooling. We strive for a home rhythm to make our days easier. Yes, a lot of my life is hectic and crazy having 4 young children, but there are times that the blessings overflow so much it brings me to tears. This morning my 4 sat and played "Go Fish" together with my 6.5yo and 5yo being on "teams" w/ the 2 littles so they could play, too. Made my heart swell.

And as zjande pointed out, I realize this is my life for a passing time. I will reach a point where there won't be young children in my everyday life and I can focus on my interests.

I guess it also helps that I know quite a few large families. The woman who introduced me to my homebirth MW has 7 children, ranging from 2 to 13. I know another family that just yesterday had their 13th child, their oldest is 23 I think. Their life can be hectic at times, and I've seen their families at some of their worst moments, but in the end, the kids all LOVE each other, the parents LOVE the kids, and life works its way out.

[naturallyspeaking]

Great advice, thank you...

[miss_honeyb]

Originally Posted by FillingMyQuiver

zjande~ I big puffy heart YOU

I have 4 children and am currently pg w/ #5 (secretly praying it's 5 & 6 actually). My oldest is 6.5yo, my youngest is 21mo.

I strive to be the mother zjande described. I love my big family, each of my children, though 2 were surprises, are each a blessing to DH and I. I am a Christian, and just as zjande explained, I am so thankful for the gifts my God has entrusted to DH and I.

We do a lot that zjande described. We just started our 2nd year of homeschooling. We strive for a home rhythm to make our days easier. Yes, a lot of my life is hectic and crazy having 4 young children, but there are times that the blessings overflow so much it brings me to tears. This morning my 4 sat and played "Go Fish" together with my 6.5yo and 5yo being on "teams" w/ the 2 littles so they could play, too. Made my heart swell.

And as zjande pointed out, I realize this is my life for a passing time. I will reach a point where there won't be young children in my everyday life and I can focus on my interests.

I guess it also helps that I know quite a few large families. The woman who introduced me to my homebirth MW has 7 children, ranging from 2 to 13. I know another family that just yesterday had their 13th child, their oldest is 23 I think. Their life can be hectic at times, and I've seen their families at some of their worst moments, but in the end, the kids all LOVE each other, the parents LOVE the kids, and life works its way out.

[donutmolly]

Just another mama of 3 (soon to be 4) to reassure you that adding another doesn't seem to be such a big deal... I found being a mama of 1 (very high needs) DD very exhausting and overwhelming, then 2 was a challenge, now that I have 3, I feel like I finally have my groove. I am more organized because I have to be, I don't stress over small stuff because I don't have the time or energy, I can deal better with sleep deprivation because... I have more practice...?! My parenting has adjusted to being more focused on the needs of the whole family, which actually seems to me to work better for my kids as individuals as well!

[confustication]

Originally Posted by donutmolly

Just another mama of 3 (soon to be 4) to reassure you that adding another doesn't seem to be such a big deal... I found being a mama of 1 (very high needs) DD very exhausting and overwhelming, then 2 was a challenge, now that I have 3, I feel like I finally have my groove. I am more organized because I have to be, I don't stress over small stuff because I don't have the time or energy, I can deal better with sleep deprivation because... I have more practice...?! My parenting has adjusted to being more focused on the needs of the whole family, which actually seems to me to work better for my kids as individuals as well!

All of this.

With three, my house is cleaner than it was with one. I don't worry too much, and the balance for the family works. The sleep deprivation still gets to me at times, but not as badly as it once did. I haven't slept more than 90 minutes at a stretch for about 3 years now... I sort of accept it as the norm.

[Carma]

For us it was also true that from 2 to 3 was less of a deal then 1 to 2. My kids are just 5, just 3 and almost 6 months. Think by now I am used to it and I adjusted my standards (cleaning, sleep, time for myself, etc.) such that we are comfortable and not overwhelmed. We just go with the flow and do our best.

Carma

[miss_honeyb]

Originally Posted by confustication

All of this.

With three, my house is cleaner than it was with one. I don't worry too much, and the balance for the family works. The sleep deprivation still gets to me at times, but not as badly as it once did. I haven't slept more than 90 minutes at a stretch for about 3 years now... I sort of accept it as the norm.

The sleep thing is going on 4.5 years for me....

When we had our 4th, it was just like, "What's one more at this point, seriously?" From 1 to 2 was a pretty big change and from 2 to 3 was crazy, but from 3 to 4 was noooo biggie.

[jillybeans]

Originally Posted by miss_honeyb

When we had our 4th, it was just like, "What's one more at this point, seriously?" From 1 to 2 was a pretty big change and from 2 to 3 was crazy, but from 3 to 4 was noooo biggie.

my sentiments exactly. lol!

[sraplayas]

Originally Posted by zjande

So yeah. That's what works for me.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts! So much of what you wrote is what I aspire to be with my kids and yet it is so opposite of the norm. But that you are actually doing it is the "wow" inspiring bit for me! I love it how you just set your expectations and go with the flow. Thank you.

I really feel like I'd like to have four and just figuring that all out with my age/DH's vocation/training, etc. Lots to think about!

[Gray's Mommy]

this thread is so wonderful to read we currently have 3 boys & am thinking about adding one more to our family. my boys are almost 10, 3 & 8 months. I love the age gap between the first & second & if we add a fourth-they will be very close in age (hopefully). craziness-yes, but sooo worth every bit of being tired too.

[zjande]

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone that commented on my previous post. I also received several very sweet PMs. A couple were so awesome that I forwarded them to my husband just to share the good mushiness with him. I appreciate all the kind words! I had no idea my post would get such a response. I would have written it better if I'd had any idea, LOL! There are misspellings & it's all choppy. But anyway, I just wanted to say thanks. I'm glad what I wrote was inspiring. I do love this mama-ing business with all my heart. Thank you!

[stellamia]

^^^ Truly, your post could change lives. Attitude has such a massive impact on one's life and your's is so positive! I was beaming as I read that post and got so happy and excited about mothering. I'd love to read your blog!!


OP: I just had my 3rd and it's been an adjustment for sure... It's been a little harder for me than going from one to two, but that's partially because my 2nd and 3rd are a year closer in age than my 1st and 2nd and my 2nd is still nursing and it's been hard on him at times to share his milk with the baby. Also, I'm trying so hard to make sure my oldest knows how very loved he is... I want to make sure he doesn't feel like he's fading into the back round. I can say, however, without a doubt, that I want more! Heck! After reading zjande's post I want 10!! I've always wanted a big family and for me, the best coping skill I've learned (as PP have stated) is letting go. Being able to laugh instead of stressing.. Sometimes I literally have to think "OK, a year from now will it matter if I ___" (e.g. Am late to this Dr's appt/don't get the dishes done tonight/cancel on my friend/don't watch this TV show)?? Usually the answer is no and I can relax a little bit. I had to learn not to major in the minors.

I think if your heart truly desires another baby, then you'll keep thinking about it and won't feel quite "complete" until you have another. I kind of think of it like finding your soul mate.. You just "know". I think when you're done having kids you just know and if you're still longing for one, you ain't done hon!

[BabyMae09]

Originally Posted by zjande 

Funny, someone just asked me the same question at the park the other day. She had 2 boys & wondered how I "survived" having 5 kids (4 boys, 1 girl). She said she could "barely handle her 2". I was caught off guard & had no idea how to answer! lol!

I rarely feel "stressed out", especially by my kids. I love having a whole pile of kids. I hope to have more. If only I'd met my now-husband sooner than when I was 30, maybe we could have had 10.

These are just a few of my own thoughts. Everyone's ideas & needs are different of course, but this is how it goes in my brain. I've really embraced having kids in such a way that I don't have high expectations to do much else these years than raise them. I'm fine without any "me time", I'm never (ever) alone, I expect to be interrupted constantly no matter how much I enjoy what I'm doing, I am the most sleep deprived person I know (my memory is embarassingly gone from yrs & yrs of little sleep) but I just march through the best I can with as little complaining as I can, & never, ever expect to actually focus & complete a conversation with another adult. My mind is always on "where are the kids, what are ther kids doing, who needs my help". I frequently have to walk away mid-sentence to rescue a kid. And the big thing for me is, I don't let myself feel bothered or annoyed at my kids for any of that. I've truly just gotten to a spot where I have come to terms with this is my life, raising these kids with my husband is all I'm doing right now.

And my biggest "sanity saver" (if I'd call it that), is this: I can do it all when I'm older. Seriously, I have firmly embraced the fact in my mind that this is all temporary, I will miss my babies so much someday, & I will have decades&decades of "me time". Time for sleeping, dates with my wonderful husband, hobbies, sitting down & chatting with folks, focusing on the present happenings instead of what the kids are doing, not being exhausted..... But for these fleeting years, I'm selfless. And I'm really, genuinly happy about it.

Also, here are some other things that happen to work for me. YMMV. I am not Christian but I puffy heart love Christian blogs written by mamas with tons of kids. They view every one of their kids as blessings, gifts sent directly from God, entrusted to these mamas to raise for Him. It's a powerful message, and so, so sweet to be reminded of. I don't know if I'm allowed to link to such places here, but I could PM some of my favorites. Or you could find my blog linked in my profile & scroll way down near the bottom to find some. I even receive Above Rubies magazines (a Christian quiverfull mag). My heart gushes with joy with every one. Their entire message is that we mamas have the most important job on earth, & each mag oozes with love for our babies. And many of those women have LOTS of babies! I also big puffy heart love babies.

Man, I'm one gushy chick.

Besides all that, there's just the practical stuff that makes it all easier. I homeschool so there's no stress of getting to/from schools, no bad attitudes being learned by my kids at school, & my dh & I are the sole "trainers" (ok that's not quite the right word but I'm too tired to think of the perfect word, lol) of our kids. They're not getting influenced by others at at school. Also, major life decluttering. Fewer belongings equals fewer messes, fewer friends & outings equals lesss stress & more regular home rhythm. Routine, so the kids know what to expect & don't freak out. Child locks on everything.

Well, now that I've written a novel (& was interrupted by my 2 yr old who wanted me to "watch mama, watch!!" 452 times), I hope I've been even slightly helpful & I hope I haven't offended.

OMg, I actually just thought of 1 more thing I wanted to share. Another thing that has made a huge difference for me, compared to when I had my 1st two kids, is that I don't allow myself to feel annoyed when I have to get up with them at night. What I mean is, I've managed to switch my my brain from thinking negative things when I'm up alone with a grumpy/sick/awake baby in the night, to positive thoughts. I focus on how sweet it is to be in the cozy dark getting this all alone time with my baby. And I pet him & focus on how sweet, soft & squishy babies are. And smell him, hum sweet songs to him (THIS ONE, "Lullaby" by Dixie Chicks is the KING of the sweetest songs to sing to a baby or hum to yourself. I think I cried the first 15 times I heard this song. My favorite line for middle of the night with baby moments is "tomorrow there'll be so much to do.. tonight I'll drift in a dream with you" whilst rocking the little sleepy head back to sleep), & also think about how much I love my husband & am grateful that he works so hard for us all day & that he's getting good, uninterrupted sleep in preparation for another long day at work for us.

So yeah. That's what works for me.

Thank you so much for this post :) By the way, I am in Oregon, too. You should PM me, maybe we live near one another and can get together. I was homeschooling DS until this week, when he started going to Waldorf. It fits our life right now, but I am going to miss him...

[2lilsweetfoxes]

I have 3 kids.  Really, prior to marriage, I thought I wanted 4:  the first two about 2 years apart then wait about 5-6 years and have the second two about 2 years apart.  DH and I decided we were done at 2 and really, I was ready to put the "baby" stuff behind us.  And, as soon as I got rid of the baby stuff we had when DS (our second child) was 5, a week later I find I'm pregnant again.  (Hence why I fear getting rid of baby stuff, considering I'm about to have the implanon implant removed--seriously, though, 5 weeks straight of being on my "period"?  and irregular on top of that?)

Maybe it is the age difference.  But, my son is developmentally delayed and he and the baby are on the same level on a lot of ways--to the point he often gets lumped with his younger sister, despite him being closer in chronological age to his older sister (he's 2 years younger than her).  DH is done, and since he's the SAHM/WAHM parent, and it is difficult for him to write with the kids (at least the older 2 are in school from 8-3), I don't want to put him through having to deal with another baby when he has to deal with a toddler.  Maybe one day when he sells his books and we make enough money I can get out of the Army and be a SAHM, I can convince him to have another baby (heck, I can use that to get out...), for now, I will stay in--my kids need the insurance.

[kawa kamuri]

Originally Posted by callieollie 

zjande - your response almost made me cry. It was beautiful and a perfect reminder of what blessings children are. I just love your attitude.

absolutely. i miss you in my ddc because you are such a beautiful, unique inspiration. thanks for being you