how to get over the jealousy?

[elus0814]

I've been a sahm for six years now and have three, soon to be four, children. I can't help feeling jealous of dh all the time, just over everyday things.

These are the big ones:
- he gets to spend an hour and a half at the gym every weekday; he's in the military and is required to meet with the guys he works with each morning for this workout

- he gets to spend at least 40 minutes in car by himself every weekday; he drives 10 minutes to the gym first thing in the morning, drives 10 minutes home to shower and help me out for a few minutes, drive 10 minutes to work, drives 10 minutes home plus whatever side trips, like to the dry cleaner, he needs to make

- he gets to go to the doctor and dentist alone; his appointments are always during the day (in contrast, when I have a prenatal appointment it involves getting three kids under six out the door and driving an hour and a half away then entertaining them during the appointment then driving home then dealing with whatever mess they have made in the car along the way, I also have been needing to go to the dentist but have been putting it off because I dread the thought of taking all the kids)

- he gets to go to the club (a bar) on base for two hours every friday; it's required as their weekly meeting with the higher-ups (I haven't been out with friends like this in more than two years)

- he gets bathroom breaks and a lunch break; it sounds like such a luxury to be able to eat an entire meal without anyone climbing on me, asking for bites, asking for a drink, or just only having to make food for myself for once plus I can't imagine how wonderful it would be to walk to the bathroom, go, and wash my hands all without someone trying to open the door or someone making a mess or screaming in another room

- he gets to go on work trips every few months; of course he has to go but I end up alone with all the kids and all the housework to deal with alone while he's traveling, staying in a hotel room alone, and eating out

- he gets to take overseas assignments; I know this sounds terrible but I have often felt really jealous while he's overseas (not to anywhere dangerous, it was a year in a non-dangerous location), I can't stand that I have to deal with all the kids and the house alone while he only has himself to take care of, he got to live in an apartment by himself, had only his own laundry to do, slept in on the weekends, played video games in the evening, and so on

I just don't know how to accept that spending time alone and being able to spend an hour a few times a week in a waiting room playing on his cell phone is how his life is and doing everything and going everywhere with a bunch of kids to deal with at the same time is how my life is.

I should add that because of the local schools we homeschool the two oldest, our nearest family member lives a thousand miles away, we only have family visit a couple times per year, and even though I've spent the past year looking I have yet to find a babysitter that charges less than $20 per hour. We're moving again (the fourth time in six years) in a few months. I've tried making friends here but all the social groups for wives meet during the day without babysitting available like it has always been at other bases. I'm hoping this will be different after we move.

DH and I have not been out by ourselves since December, which is common, we usually get two dates per year while visiting family out of state. I would say I average one hour per week alone out of the house when DH is in the country and it's often several months without a moment's break when he's not around.

Sorry this has gone so long.

[Natalie12]

Honestly, this sounds really, really hard and I would certainly be jealous too. I couldn't read this without replaying because I feel for you. So I would say don't feel bad about feeling that way. Accept that you're feeling that way, and move on.

Can your dh help out more when he is home? In my house, the rule is that right after dinner I get 30 minutes to practice the piano, uninterrupted. Could you build something into your schedule when he is home, where he takes over the kids for more than a few minutes?
Also, if you can I recommend doing what I'm doing now: taking time to yourself early in the morning before everyone is up. I wish you the best of luck in your search for a babysitter. I know that this has been mentioned before but do you have a YMCA near you?

Are there things that you can do with the kids that you all enjoy together?

[mbhf]

I don't really look at many of the thing my dh "gets" to do like this any more. My dh works very hard. His commute is very short these days, but I don't envy it. I don't envy him waking up at 4am. I don't envy the weeks and months he spends away from us, even if it does seem like he's having lots of fun when they pull into port. If I really look at my dh's job, and my own life, I think my perks far outweigh his. My dh is military as well, and the socializing and gym time used to really bug me because the are "optional" and "fun" but... really, how optional and fun are they? And regardless of how fun they are, they certainly aren't optional. So why is it a bad thing that part of your dh's job is fun? It's not! It is a wonderful thing to have a husband who enjoys his job, or at least parts of it.

What are some of the really wonderful aspects of your life? Some of mine- I may not get to use the bathroom by myself or sleep all night without interruption, but I love the people who interrupt me. I much prefer my chubby little daughter wiggling and whining to nurse in the middle of the night than some random coworker calling (or just reaching in my bed) to let me know something is wrong and they need me to do whatever.

My alarm clock is a beautiful little girl who says "goooood mornin!!" his just beeps.
If I'm hungry or need to run to the bathroom, I can. Whenever. 20 times a day if I want. Somebody might think my lunch looks good and climb on my lap to eat half of it. Somebody might come running into the bathroom to let me know that someone knocked over their block tower or whatever, but I don't have to wait until "lunch time" or until I'm done with some procedure or whatever to do either. I can eat lunch 4 times a day. I can grab a snack from my own kitchen whenever I want. I can pile the kids in their carseats and make a Starbucks run.

I could go on and on, comparing my day to my dh's or not. The truth is that there are tradeoffs. His jobmight seem fantastic to you, and it might feel that way if you switched. But probably not for long. And the same could probably be said in reverse. That year overseas with no one to take care of might sound heavenly to you. It might be heavenly for you. But I doubt it. Yes he only had himself to take care of, but he did not have his wife or children for a year.

[ShwarmaQueen]

Sounds like you really really need a break. A babysitter, a nanny, MDO, something to get some me time (even just once or twice a week)!

[azgirl]

Originally Posted by ShwarmaQueen

Sounds like you really really need a break. A babysitter, a nanny, MDO, something to get some me time (even just once or twice a week)!

This. My jealousies faded when I got what I needed. You won't be jealous (or as jealous) of his breaks if you are getting the breaks you need. I would do whatever it takes to get several hours of "me" time. If you can find trusted childcare you can also use it when your husband is home. He can watch the kiddos during your "me" time and you can use the babysitter so that you and your husband can have couple time.

This doesn't fix the fact that your husband gets breaks automatically and you would have to work at it and probably pay someone. That part you just have to get over But I don't think it is easy to just get over jealousy when you aren't getting what you need.

I would lose my mind if going to the doctor entailed what it does for you. Maybe that doesn't say much for the state of my mind....but you are NOT being unreasonable. You absolutely must set up trusted childcare in every new place you move. Just take your nursling and leave the older kiddos behind for a bit.

[nina_yyc]

Keep looking for a babysitter. Don't give up. You need a break!

[Sharlla]

when i sah i didnt get jealous. iwas active playgroups during the day and left the kids at home with x for a little 'me' time. he's their father so he could take care of them.
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[rachieface]

That sounds really hard. Have you told your DH how you feel? Make it really clear that you need some alone time. A few suggestions off the top of my head...

- Pick one night during the week where DH can watch the kids (when he is home) and you can do whatever you want. My local community colleges have a lot of relatively inexpensive "fun" classes...cake decorating, watercolor painting, self-defense, etc. That's an option of something to do where you could possibly make some friends. If not, go to your favorite coffee shop/bookstore/mall and read a good book or something!

- Make a date night with DH.... can you possibly afford $60 or $70 once a month? That should hopefully cover a sitter for a couple of hours and a decent dinner and maybe a movie. A set "once a month" date night is something to look forward to.

- I only have one little one so I know it is wayyyy different but it has really helped me to build routine into my life..... like, every Monday is errand day and we spend some "fun time" at the library.... Saturday is "playdate" day and we pick one family (even if we don't know them well) to try to hang out with. Tuesdays my son and I go to a mom's group and spend time with a bunch of other mommas. If you have routines (even if they're not super exciting) for your week that you can do with your kids, you may feel better about things because you will get out of the house whether your DH is in the country or not.

- Are you religious? Our church has a lot of groups/activities for moms and their kids. Check your area for free library/bookstore story times, check your park district's website for free outdoor events, etc.

- Maybe your kids could all take a "quiet time" in the afternoon? If they could all read books quietly, or play quietly, maybe you could have some brief "you" time to sit down with a cup of tea and a book.

- Since you are pregnant I'm sure this is hard, but if you can exercise (get DH to watch the kiddos for even 30 minutes) you may feel a lot better. It always lifts my mood and makes me feel like I did something special for myself.

Since you are moving soon these things may not be worth it right now, but at least ask your DH for one night a week that is "yours." I'm sure you're an awesome wife and mom who deserves it!

[annmartina]

I'd be green with jealousy too. Lots of it. All great suggestions from other posters - more time to yourself, enjoy the good parts of your life, etc. What caught my attention was the way most of your dh's activities take place in the "public sphere," while your caretaking and household responsibilities do not. Our culture sadly does not value the "private sphere" of home and hearth. Is there part of you that also longs for validation and this public recognition? I totally understand that you just need a break sometimes, but maybe you need more than that. Maybe you need something you do to be as important as the gym sessions and Friday bar meetings that your dh is required to attend. (After all, what is a requirement except an indication of high importance?) Whether your dh is understanding and supportive or not, you live in an unequal world. Wanting something that you are required to attend or a schedule that naturally builds in break time because you have obligations that must be met is a totally normal and valid feeling. Not sure if this is feasible for you, but one thing you could consider is starting a WAH business. If you are moderately successful, it could give you a reason to hire a sitter, possibly meetings to attend and other important activities, and many businesses can be limited in terms of time commitment so you are still very much at home and very much your lo's caregiver.

[elus0814]

Originally Posted by annmartina

I'd be green with jealousy too. Lots of it. All great suggestions from other posters - more time to yourself, enjoy the good parts of your life, etc. What caught my attention was the way most of your dh's activities take place in the "public sphere," while your caretaking and household responsibilities do not. Our culture sadly does not value the "private sphere" of home and hearth. Is there part of you that also longs for validation and this public recognition? I totally understand that you just need a break sometimes, but maybe you need more than that. Maybe you need something you do to be as important as the gym sessions and Friday bar meetings that your dh is required to attend. (After all, what is a requirement except an indication of high importance?) Whether your dh is understanding and supportive or not, you live in an unequal world. Wanting something that you are required to attend or a schedule that naturally builds in break time because you have obligations that must be met is a totally normal and valid feeling. Not sure if this is feasible for you, but one thing you could consider is starting a WAH business. If you are moderately successful, it could give you a reason to hire a sitter, possibly meetings to attend and other important activities, and many businesses can be limited in terms of time commitment so you are still very much at home and very much your lo's caregiver.

Thank you for this, it really validates what I'm feeling. It's very true that I simply don't feel important. If my husband does something above and beyond he gets a medal, pubic recognition, or at least a bunch of 'good jobs' and pats on the back. If I do something above and beyond, which is often like pulling teeth to accomplish, I only get an approving nod when I show him the closet I spend every spare second for an entire week reorganizing.

I wish I could have something like a class to attend but with a new baby in a few weeks I know it won't be possible for awhile. Even when I try to have regular things like that without a newborn it all needs to be contingent on my being available every moment of every day in case my husband needs to do something work related. Starting a business or taking me time during the day are great suggestions but are really out of the question right now, it's all I can do to most days to keep the kids fed and the house picked up.

I know I need to find a babysitter but I'm at a loss on how to find one. We don't know anyone with kids who are old enough to babysit. I've called several of the on base in home care providers but they only watch kids in their home and the only one who was willing to watch three kids at one time charges $5 per hour per child plus a $2 per hour surcharge for kids in diapers plus another $1 per hour per child to come to my house, that would be $20 per hour and she would need to bring her own two kids! We tried online ads and neighborhood flyers, only a couple 12 and 13 year olds responded; I just didn't feel safe leaving a preschooler, a kindergardener, and a toddler with a seventh grader and none of them were interested in being a 'mother's helper' unless they would still earn the $10 per hour they were asking for babysitting. We're moving in a couple months anyway so I'll likely wait until then to keep looking. Where to moms with more than one or two kids who are all very young find someone who's not family to watch them?

[Abraisme]

Originally Posted by mbhf

I don't really look at many of the thing my dh "gets" to do like this any more. My dh works very hard. His commute is very short these days, but I don't envy it. I don't envy him waking up at 4am. I don't envy the weeks and months he spends away from us, even if it does seem like he's having lots of fun when they pull into port. If I really look at my dh's job, and my own life, I think my perks far outweigh his. My dh is military as well, and the socializing and gym time used to really bug me because the are "optional" and "fun" but... really, how optional and fun are they? And regardless of how fun they are, they certainly aren't optional. So why is it a bad thing that part of your dh's job is fun? It's not! It is a wonderful thing to have a husband who enjoys his job, or at least parts of it.

What are some of the really wonderful aspects of your life? Some of mine- I may not get to use the bathroom by myself or sleep all night without interruption, but I love the people who interrupt me. I much prefer my chubby little daughter wiggling and whining to nurse in the middle of the night than some random coworker calling (or just reaching in my bed) to let me know something is wrong and they need me to do whatever.

My alarm clock is a beautiful little girl who says "goooood mornin!!" his just beeps.
If I'm hungry or need to run to the bathroom, I can. Whenever. 20 times a day if I want. Somebody might think my lunch looks good and climb on my lap to eat half of it. Somebody might come running into the bathroom to let me know that someone knocked over their block tower or whatever, but I don't have to wait until "lunch time" or until I'm done with some procedure or whatever to do either. I can eat lunch 4 times a day. I can grab a snack from my own kitchen whenever I want. I can pile the kids in their carseats and make a Starbucks run.

I could go on and on, comparing my day to my dh's or not. The truth is that there are tradeoffs. His jobmight seem fantastic to you, and it might feel that way if you switched. But probably not for long. And the same could probably be said in reverse. That year overseas with no one to take care of might sound heavenly to you. It might be heavenly for you. But I doubt it. Yes he only had himself to take care of, but he did not have his wife or children for a year.

very well said.

[tangledblue]

Hugs to you--you're in a tough place! I agree about getting a babysitter, even at $20 per hour it's worth it for a couple hours per week for your sanity.

On a side note--I understand you are skeptical of having a seventh grader watch three kids, but when I was 13 I watched three kids (one four, one two, one 6 mo.)

Now that I am a parent myself, I am incredulous that the parents hired me,
but I was responsible and cheap. They put the baby to bed before they left and I played games/watched approved movies with the other kids and read them stories. When the baby was a little older I'd do that with all three of them. It worked out. If a young teen is responsible, is given appropriate instruction, and really likes little kids, it might be ok. My SIL also uses a 14-year old baby sitter for her two kids ( 4 and 2).

[BetsyS]

It sounds like you are in a hard spot! I hope you find the time you need.

I babysat for 3 littles at age 12-13, too. Looking back, it probably was because I was a neighbor, and my mom was at home right down the street. In that case, I might feel comfortable, too. Especially for just an hour or two, and during the day.

Is there a way to have closer prenatals? Is your dh's job at all flexible? I mean, I know that he has to be available to go in at a moment's notice, but can he come home sometimes, too? If you had a nearby provider, you could make the 4pm appt, and he could come home early. Or lunchtime, and he could take his lunchbreak at home. That sort of thing.

[Learning_Mum]

Do you ever take a day off? By that I mean, do the bare minimum. Feed the kids. Change bums and put on lots of movies for them to watch while you do nothing. It can be surprisingly refreshing and sometimes it is so worth it to have to do extra the next day just to have that one day where you don't do anything at all.

[wookie]

I totally hear what you say about not getting recognition for all that you do. I've been there. Here's what helped me (and my dh to see what *really* goes on behind the scenes). Your closet cleaning example was exactly what I used to do w/o anyone noticing. I felt underappreciated, unnoticed etc. So one day when dh was off work I just picked up my bag and left the house for a few hours. (You can still do that while the babe is inside you, harder with a newborn). When I came back the house was a relative mess and the kids were watching TV but guess what, dh realised how hard it is to accomplish basic tasks like even feeding/entertaining the kids let alone get the house picked up, do laundry, make dinner, and bonus things like rearranging closets, washing windows, etc. He even said, "I don't know how you do everything you do with them in tow, babe. It's hard." It was all I could do to shout "SEE?? SEE??!" But after that day he's started helping so much more around the house, doesn't ask me what's for dinner as soon as he walks in the door (he waits for me to tell him cuz he's never sure if I've had time to prep sthg), notices or atleast appreciates bonus tasks even if I have to tell him what it is sometimes. That's quite enough to mke me feel like someone knows I've taken pains to do something for them.

So anyway, all this to say, leave him to his own devices one day (let him juggle work w/ the kids in tow if he has to, don't feel guilty about it). You get your break and he'll know how it is. And know that one day when your kids are older you WILL get time to yourself, you WILL go to the bathroom unattended, you WILL eat more than one bite in peace, you WILL have a business and/or recognition if you want. This too shall pass. In the meantime, your dh does work hard and it's important to acknowledge that, even just to yourself.

[tammyswanson]

Originally Posted by mbhf

I don't really look at many of the thing my dh "gets" to do like this any more. My dh works very hard. His commute is very short these days, but I don't envy it. I don't envy him waking up at 4am. I don't envy the weeks and months he spends away from us, even if it does seem like he's having lots of fun when they pull into port. If I really look at my dh's job, and my own life, I think my perks far outweigh his. My dh is military as well, and the socializing and gym time used to really bug me because the are "optional" and "fun" but... really, how optional and fun are they? And regardless of how fun they are, they certainly aren't optional. So why is it a bad thing that part of your dh's job is fun? It's not! It is a wonderful thing to have a husband who enjoys his job, or at least parts of it.

What are some of the really wonderful aspects of your life? Some of mine- I may not get to use the bathroom by myself or sleep all night without interruption, but I love the people who interrupt me. I much prefer my chubby little daughter wiggling and whining to nurse in the middle of the night than some random coworker calling (or just reaching in my bed) to let me know something is wrong and they need me to do whatever.

My alarm clock is a beautiful little girl who says "goooood mornin!!" his just beeps.
If I'm hungry or need to run to the bathroom, I can. Whenever. 20 times a day if I want. Somebody might think my lunch looks good and climb on my lap to eat half of it. Somebody might come running into the bathroom to let me know that someone knocked over their block tower or whatever, but I don't have to wait until "lunch time" or until I'm done with some procedure or whatever to do either. I can eat lunch 4 times a day. I can grab a snack from my own kitchen whenever I want. I can pile the kids in their carseats and make a Starbucks run.

I could go on and on, comparing my day to my dh's or not. The truth is that there are tradeoffs. His jobmight seem fantastic to you, and it might feel that way if you switched. But probably not for long. And the same could probably be said in reverse. That year overseas with no one to take care of might sound heavenly to you. It might be heavenly for you. But I doubt it. Yes he only had himself to take care of, but he did not have his wife or children for a year.

MBHF, I absolutely LOVE this!

You do seem like you maybe need a day off to yourself, just to go shopping, get a cup of coffee, go to the library for some quiet time for youself, something like that. Maybe tell DH that you want him to watch the kids while you go out and have some time to yourself? Make a day of it, just for you. And, don't forget to take a nice relaxing bath (if possible) before you end your day.

[2lilsweetfoxes]

As someone in a similar career field (military), I'll take a stab at your husband's would-be responses.

Originally Posted by elus0814

I've been a sahm for six years now and have three, soon to be four, children. I can't help feeling jealous of dh all the time, just over everyday things.

These are the big ones:
- he gets to spend an hour and a half at the gym every weekday; he's in the military and is required to meet with the guys he works with each morning for this workout oh, goodness, she gets to sleep in or be at home instead of out in this weather (if PT is outside) or having to fight several other people for the same machine. Parking here is such a $%$^. I hate having to get up so early.

- he gets to spend at least 40 minutes in car by himself every weekday; he drives 10 minutes to the gym first thing in the morning, drives 10 minutes home to shower and help me out for a few minutes, drive 10 minutes to work, drives 10 minutes home plus whatever side trips, like to the dry cleaner, he needs to make It would be nice to not have this commute every day. Everyone is going the same way at the same time.

- he gets to go to the doctor and dentist alone; his appointments are always during the day (in contrast, when I have a prenatal appointment it involves getting three kids under six out the door and driving an hour and a half away then entertaining them during the appointment then driving home then dealing with whatever mess they have made in the car along the way, I also have been needing to go to the dentist but have been putting it off because I dread the thought of taking all the kids)On that, have you asked if I can take some time off to care for the kids so you can go to your appointment?

- he gets to go to the club (a bar) on base for two hours every friday; it's required as their weekly meeting with the higher-ups (I haven't been out with friends like this in more than two years)I'd rather be home spending the time with my family.

- he gets bathroom breaks and a lunch break; it sounds like such a luxury to be able to eat an entire meal without anyone climbing on me, asking for bites, asking for a drink, or just only having to make food for myself for once plus I can't imagine how wonderful it would be to walk to the bathroom, go, and wash my hands all without someone trying to open the door or someone making a mess or screaming in another roomI use my lunch time to get work done because I've got my peers, subordinates, and superiors demanding I do stuff all the time. It is the only time I have to actually work because I can at least kick the subordinates out.

- he gets to go on work trips every few months; of course he has to go but I end up alone with all the kids and all the housework to deal with alone while he's traveling, staying in a hotel room alone, and eating out

- he gets to take overseas assignments; I know this sounds terrible but I have often felt really jealous while he's overseas (not to anywhere dangerous, it was a year in a non-dangerous location), I can't stand that I have to deal with all the kids and the house alone while he only has himself to take care of, he got to live in an apartment by himself, had only his own laundry to do, slept in on the weekends, played video games in the evening, and so on (the last 2) I wish my family was here with me to see this! X would get such enjoyment out of ABC! I wonder what they are doing now? It is so lonely to come home to an empty house/apartment/hotel room.

I just don't know how to accept that spending time alone and being able to spend an hour a few times a week in a waiting room playing on his cell phone is how his life is and doing everything and going everywhere with a bunch of kids to deal with at the same time is how my life is.

I should add that because of the local schools we homeschool the two oldest, our nearest family member lives a thousand miles away, we only have family visit a couple times per year, and even though I've spent the past year looking I have yet to find a babysitter that charges less than $20 per hour. We're moving again (the fourth time in six years) in a few months. I've tried making friends here but all the social groups for wives meet during the day without babysitting available like it has always been at other bases. I'm hoping this will be different after we move.

DH and I have not been out by ourselves since December, which is common, we usually get two dates per year while visiting family out of state. I would say I average one hour per week alone out of the house when DH is in the country and it's often several months without a moment's break when he's not around.

Sorry this has gone so long.

[Erinz]

I only have 2 kids and I am sooooooooooooooo there with you with a civilian hubby who works alllll day long. He gets up and leaves the house (to work out) at 5am and isn't home until 7pm most nights. Just wanted to offer that commiseration

One thing I've been thinking about is that being a SAHM will get us recognition. We just have to wait for it. Our kids will grow up strong and will some day turn around and say WOW Mom, THANK YOU! How did you do it?! Parenting is HARD WORK and Dad was NEVER around!

So really, you have the glory job, not him.

Perhaps just that sideways view could help! (that and regular, scheduled time away. Now. Just do it. Don't be a martyr <-- and I only say that because sometimes I realize I'm stuck in that rut!)

[Hokulele]

I am right there with you.

When DD1 was little I happened to look out the window while DH was driving home, I saw him drive down our street and into our driveway. I suddenly had this overwhelming feeling of jealousy. There he was, listening to his own music, thinking his own thoughts, in the car by himself. If he'd wanted to he could have run a quick errand without tantrums, whining and buckling little people in and out of car seats.

Oh! Just that simple moment of his in the car. It just looked *blissful!*

I think that unless you have done it day in, day out for months, there is just no way you can understand what it is like never NEVER to have your own time.

Don't get me started on all the other things DH gets to do!!