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Toddler adjusting to baby

post #1 of 13
Thread Starter 
Ok, I know there were lots of mamas with toddlers in this ddc. And lots of mamas of older children who presumably have been here done this before. Please help!

I have a 28 month old who has done just beautifully adapting to the new baby. But now 8 weeks in...not so much. She's become aggressive and agitated and extremely whinny all the time. Wakes up at night and needs, begs, for mama milk even though she was nightweaned around 20 months.

Her new mantra is: I need you mama. Pretty clear message eh?

This breaks my heart. I feel like we prepared as well as anyone could for the birth. She was there for the birth and appeared to have a genuine good time and tells her baby sister how much she loves her all the time. I think she is ok with the baby being part of our family. She's just mad at me. Which is probably the better scenario, since the baby is innocent in all this.

Both of her parents are home with her 24/7. We give her alot of attention and do fun stuff all the time. She's clearly testing me to see if I still love her, or something of the sort.

She told us yesterday that her dog and grampa make her happy but that we, her parents, do not. Sad, but also very funny in some ways. And I am happy that she is expressing herself. We talk openly about feelings all the time, are very much AP, we're very affectionate with her, we co-sleep and she still nurses. Her schedule has stayed the same as before. We both get to spend one on one time with her both in and out of the house.

How can I help her? How can I stay sane in all this? What can I do? And how long does this last?!!

She's already been through the regression for diapers since she was very much potty learned for months before baby arrived, but then went back to wanting diapers. She blows bubbles on her lips like the baby does and has taken up babbling and screaming like the baby.

I know it's normal, but I am exhausted.

Help me!
post #2 of 13
I'm sorry, mama! My son was 21 months when my daughter was born and while he definitely had his moments, but a lot of it is foggy in my memory! Sleep deprivation probably. I can't help in the moment-I don't know what to say!

But, I can tell you it WILL pass. My two are now 6 and 4.5 and are just great together (most of the time). My son is a well adjusted kiddo and they don't remember life without each other.

This time they are older and are adapting pretty well to the new babe. Except when my four year old sits in the baby's carseat and sucks the pacifier. *Sigh*

It will get easier!
post #3 of 13
I don't have any sage advice, but it sounds like you're doing everything right already. She IS adjusting, this is how. Only way through is through...hang in there.

We're dealing with similar stuff with DS 20 mos, I just tell him I love him lots and how wonderful he is, and have DH take baby sometimes so I can give him tons of 1 on 1 attention.

I'm an oldest myself, and my mom says I used to pinch my little brother while he was sleeping in his crib. I love my brother tons now, and my family is close, so these adjustments all work themselves out. Which I know you already know!

You're doing awesome. Hang in there....breathe, baby, breathe.
post #4 of 13
I'm just doing what I can each day as well. I have ds1 (7) and ds2 (3) and dd (8 weeks). ds1 is okay with the baby, but he did pretty much ignore her for the first week. Now it's like "baby whatever"..but ds2 sounds like your dd, very aggresive and whiney and loud! oh my goodness has his volume changed, or could it be my perceptions with a baby in the house? hmm?

But yeah, I get the feeling that he is mad at us too. He loved my preggo belly and he will hug and tell the baby he loves her, or pick out clothes or diaper colors, but other than that he is really jealous. I just keep talking to him about it, showing him pics of when he was a baby, and trying to take each moment as they come...it is slowwwly getting better.

that's all you can do really...acknowledge their feelings, make sure that they are behaving and not crossing lines, but also allowing a bit of "letting it out."
post #5 of 13
I don't have advice other then keep up the one on one time. My 2 youngest are the same age as yours 3/08 and 7/10. I think ds hasn't had issues because he has a big sis so he has never had me to himself. The only thing different from before the baby came is he does ask to nurse more.

Your dd may also be just being 2. 2 is hard. I found the 2 1/2 to 3 1/2 to be the more in your face trying out using mean words time. Ds has started saying "i dont miss you" or "i hate you" and dd did the same type of stuff at this age.
post #6 of 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by a-sorta-fairytale View Post
I don't have advice other then keep up the one on one time. My 2 youngest are the same age as yours 3/08 and 7/10. I think ds hasn't had issues because he has a big sis so he has never had me to himself. The only thing different from before the baby came is he does ask to nurse more.

Your dd may also be just being 2. 2 is hard. I found the 2 1/2 to 3 1/2 to be the more in your face trying out using mean words time. Ds has started saying "i dont miss you" or "i hate you" and dd did the same type of stuff at this age.
I don't believe in teriible 2's but I do believe in terrible 3's, for sure.

a sorta fairytale: can I ask the inspiration for your name?
post #7 of 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by terra-pip View Post
I don't believe in teriible 2's but I do believe in terrible 3's, for sure.

a sorta fairytale: can I ask the inspiration for your name?
tori amos of course
post #8 of 13
Quote:
Originally Posted by terra-pip View Post
that's all you can do really...acknowledge their feelings, make sure that they are behaving and not crossing lines, but also allowing a bit of "letting it out."
NAK
This.

I also make sure to tell dd2 that ds loves his big sister (even if he's crying in her lap two seconds later). "He likes me!" she'll say brightly. That seems to help some.
post #9 of 13
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Noah's mommy View Post

But, I can tell you it WILL pass.

It will get easier!
From one Stella mama to another, Thank you!!
post #10 of 13
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by emilyash View Post
I don't have any sage advice, but it sounds like you're doing everything right already.
Thank you! It's so easy to feel like we're doing it all wrong sometimes!

Quote:
Originally Posted by emilyash View Post
She IS adjusting, this is how. Only way through is through...hang in there.
Yes, this makes sense. She does seem to be working through the adjustment. It's just so hard watching her, it seems like a real struggle. I just want to take away the struggle, but that's part of becoming her own person, she needs to learn for herself how to cope, I just need to love her through it. Poor thing.


Quote:
Originally Posted by emilyash View Post
We're dealing with similar stuff with DS 20 mos, I just tell him I love him lots and how wonderful he is, and have DH take baby sometimes so I can give him tons of 1 on 1 attention.
I've been telling her more and more about all the ways that I love her. She listens so closely when I tell her too. They really need to hear it. Since you've posted this, I have tried even harder to make time for 1 on 1 time with her. It really seems to help her feel more secure.




Quote:
Originally Posted by emilyash View Post
You're doing awesome. Hang in there....breathe, baby, breathe.
Thank you!!! This is the hardest thing for me, going from one to two. I love it, but it is a bigger struggle than the first time. The whole balancing act thing.
And I think age 2 is harder than baby.
post #11 of 13
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by terra-pip View Post
..but ds2 sounds like your dd, very aggresive and whiney and loud! oh my goodness has his volume changed, or could it be my perceptions with a baby in the house? hmm?
I think it's both! I cried when I came to the realization that I'm just going to have to get used to the noise level, I think it's the new normal. If it's not 2 yr old whining or newborn cry...it's going to be teenage rambunctiousness. Must embrace the new normal! And breath.



Quote:
Originally Posted by terra-pip View Post
that's all you can do really...acknowledge their feelings, make sure that they are behaving and not crossing lines, but also allowing a bit of "letting it out."
Gotta love MDC for wise mama wisdom. Thank you for this. Sometimes we know it, we just need the reminder.
post #12 of 13
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by a-sorta-fairytale View Post
I don't have advice other then keep up the one on one time. My 2 youngest are the same age as yours 3/08 and 7/10. I think ds hasn't had issues because he has a big sis so he has never had me to himself. The only thing different from before the baby came is he does ask to nurse more.

Your dd may also be just being 2. 2 is hard. I found the 2 1/2 to 3 1/2 to be the more in your face trying out using mean words time. Ds has started saying "i dont miss you" or "i hate you" and dd did the same type of stuff at this age.

I think the struggle is that I'm with her all the time and she has never had to share me like this the poor thing has been de throned in some ways.

The big struggle between her and I is over Milk. She asks for it all the time now. And it is huge emotionally for her. Breastfeeding is an issue all of it's own in this adjustment.

2 is hard. And at first I had not fully considered that it was all because she is 2.5. I think you brought this to my attention and all of the issues may be surfacing as age appropriate development. Does parenting become progressively more and more of a challenge?! I feel so naive.
post #13 of 13
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Surfacing View Post
I also make sure to tell dd2 that ds loves his big sister (even if he's crying in her lap two seconds later). "He likes me!" she'll say brightly. That seems to help some.
This is sweet. It works here too. Now that dd2 is old enough to sit and watch us, dd1 loves the 'attention' from the baby.
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