My Son's FIRST Tantrums

[canadianhippie]

My DS just turned one years old. He also just had his first "tantrums" Id say, Im not sure if i handled it gently or supportive.

He was at his grandfathers in the city on a visit, and was playing with a broom on the deck, our ride was downstairs so I said "let's put the broom back now, come on, were going to go now, lets go see festus and granny (his other grandparents picking us up) Not all at the same time, but normally each time he would resist me taking it out of his hand, he was screaming and crying and flailing his hands, I felt so bad. I just tryed to remain calm and keep saying lets put the broom back, there it is, its back in its home, let's go. He did this with a laptop cord, it was unplugged and he was trying to plug it back in, did pretty much the same routine as the broom, although the cord was more of a safety issue than a time issue. Is that right for a one year old? Id like to be able to prevent tantrums better and redirect him appropriately. Ive been more stressed than usual, maybe he's feeding off my indirect energy? Ive noticed he's acting out a wee bit more than usual, i didnt know if it is age or me. My mom has been looking after him while Im working, and I feel Im noticed some behavioral changes ..im not sure what to do

[Violet2]

Originally Posted by canadianhippie

My DS just turned one years old. He also just had his first "tantrums" Id say, Im not sure if i handled it gently or supportive.

He was at his grandfathers in the city on a visit, and was playing with a broom on the deck, our ride was downstairs so I said "let's put the broom back now, come on, were going to go now, lets go see festus and granny (his other grandparents picking us up) Not all at the same time, but normally each time he would resist me taking it out of his hand, he was screaming and crying and flailing his hands, I felt so bad. I just tryed to remain calm and keep saying lets put the broom back, there it is, its back in its home, let's go. He did this with a laptop cord, it was unplugged and he was trying to plug it back in, did pretty much the same routine as the broom, although the cord was more of a safety issue than a time issue. Is that right for a one year old? Id like to be able to prevent tantrums better and redirect him appropriately. Ive been more stressed than usual, maybe he's feeding off my indirect energy? Ive noticed he's acting out a wee bit more than usual, i didnt know if it is age or me. My mom has been looking after him while Im working, and I feel Im noticed some behavioral changes ..im not sure what to do

You did good Unfortunately it didn't appear to work for you DS. Has he read the parenting books or lurked on GD? That would really help him.

Some other ideas...

-Be sure to name his emotions. You want the broom. You don't want to go. You are mad/sad.

-Bright shiny object parenting or find a good carrot. Kids your DS' age are still really distractable, you just have to come up with a good one. Every kid is different but I can get DD to do anything for a popsicle. At one, I could offer her a tube of Desitin or a tupperware lid and that would be enough.

For going somewhere, I always had something lined up as in 'do you want some juice? Let's go get some juice in the car.' 'do you want your lovie, let's go see your lovie in the car.' 'Do you want to play with XYZ toy, let's go play with it in the car.' This worked really really well for a looooooong time. Heck I still use it and DD is almost 3.

-Preventing tantrums means ime hardcore babyproofing and really good emotional coaching. Cords need to be hidden. Emotions need to be named.

-When DD was Losing It, I would remain calm and simply say, 'you seem sad, do you need a hug?' Then I would sit in the rocking chair and let her come to me when she was ready. This was really helpful.

HTH
V

[2cutiekitties]

You did great!

I am no help, those first 50 tantrums I thought were so cute, I would scoop him up and love on him.

[mamadebug]

I think you did great.

I believe tantrums come from a kiddo being frustrated, overwhelmed and/or not able to deal with what they are feeling. Sooo, I think you can baby proof as much as possible, calmly communicate with your baby when you need to do something or take something away, etc, give warnings about what you will do ("we will leave in 2 minutes.....we will leave in 1 minute....time to go now") - which will help minimize tantrums. But, I don't really think you can prevent tantrums. Tantrums are an expression of where they are emotionally. They just don't have the emotional resources to deal with what they are feeling. I think that as a parent it is our role to minimize what may trigger a tantrum, but know that they will happen and then be as calm and consistent as possible during the tantrum.

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by canadianhippie

Id like to be able to prevent tantrums better

Bad news. You can't prevent tantrums. Really. Sometimes, despite your best efforts, they happen.

He's moving from being an infant to a toddler. The big shift here is that toddlers have wants that are different from needs, but they feel the same to them. So, part of your job is to help him learn the difference. But it's going to spark some powerful emotions. Thus, your other job is to help him learn to deal with those emotions. Because of that, I don't think it's a good idea to prevent all tantrums. Sure, we like to minimize them, but don't be too freaked out if they happen.

I think you handled it beautifully.

Things that I know help my kids: Giving warning. I like the 5-3-1 system myself. "In 5 minutes, it'll be time to go see grandma and grandpa." "In 3 minutes, we're seeing grandpa and grandma." "1 more minute. Let's sweep one last time and say goodbye to the broom."

The 'beauty' of this system is that it's also easy to 'fudge' if you say 5 minutes and get distracted or realize you want to give more time, oh well. Just give the next warning. It's not so much about the actual minutes as it is about giving them time to adjust to changing tasks. I hate to be interrupted in the middle of something and asked to do something new. Thus, it's considerate and gentle to give transition time. It doesn't always help prevent the tantrum, but I know I've tried.

Making transitions before we're tired/hungry: Transitions take energy. I've learned the hard way to leave the park before my kids are really tired. If I wait until they're really tired (or hungry), a tantrum is inevitable.

Feed and water regularly. Every 2 hours.

Have something fun to look forward to. Save the snack for the trip home. A favorite toy for transition time. (This is as much about redirection as it is transitions.)

Not taking tantrums personally. They're really not about me. They're about my kids' inability to regulate themselves.

For this age, often a change of scenery shortens the tantrum. A 12 month old has a pretty short memory. When they're 2 1/2 or 3, then they REMEMBER and you're much more in a position of comforting/riding it out than you are at redirecting.

[amberskyfire]

You did great I had so much trouble with DD at first and I felt like nothing was working.

I have learned lots of tricks for preventing tantrums. They don't always work all the time. Sometimes a tantrum is inevitable. About 90% of the time, however, I'm able to either prevent or divert the tantrum. I think it depends most of all on the personality of the child, but here are the things that work best for us.

One of the big causes of tantrums is sudden change. The child is playing with the faucet in the yard, but it's time to go inside. Mom comes over and picks up the child and takes him in and says "okay, it's time to go inside. The water has to go off now." The child then throws a fit because he wasn't finished playing with the water.

To prevent these types of explosions, I warn my daughter before something is going to happen. "Are you ready to turn off the water and go in the house now?" (insert the inevitable "NO!") Then I say "okay, you can play a little longer, but we have to go in the house now." Then I wait about a minute and then help her say "bye bye" to the water before letting her help me turn it off. This gives her some warning before something is about to happen and she is able to mentally complete her play and has time to prepare to move on to the next activity.

I also sometimes use what I call "continuation of play." Instead of completing one activity and moving to another, I try to seamlessly transition into the next activity.

For example, when we are playing at the playground, I give her the warning that we have to go, then when it's time to leave, I pick her up and "fly" her around the playground, over the slides, under the monkey bars, between the swings. She's Super Girl. I may also put her on my back and run around pretending to be a pony. We take this game all the way to the car. This allows her to continue playing without having to totally stop her play on the playground and she feels less of a transition. I also like to make sure I have a little something for her once we get to the car like a little packet of goldfish crackers.

For tantrums that come on suddenly for reasons I can't understand (for example, she's sitting and playing peacefully then suddenly throws a toy and begins to scream and shake) I have taught her how to do a simple deep-breathing exercise. To make this work, I first had to teach her that Momma is 100% on her side and that I wanted her to be able to have the things that she wanted as well. I had to make her feel like we are a team.

I get on her level and look her in the eye and say "I want to help you, but I can't understand you when you scream. Can you help me understand so I can help you?" I'm careful not to break the eye contact as I ask her to try to take a deep breath, then another and another. Usually three does it. Then I ask if she feels better and she will nod and I'll say "can you ask Momma for help and not cry? Tell me slowly what you need." Then I follow it up with helping her in whatever way I can. She quickly learned that I was on her side and that I could help her quickly if I understood. Now she will do the deep breathing exercise on her own before she gets into a full-blown tantrum about half the time and it has been working since before she turned two. It's different for every child, though. I think some kids have more or less verbal abilities and some kids may have more trouble controlling a tantrum, but it might work for some kids.

You are doing a great job, Mama!