Natural consequence to stealing sibling's thunder?

[Hokulele]

DD1 is 5yo, DD2 is 2yo and really looks up to her older sister. She wants to do everything her big sister does.

What do I do when my older DD steals her little sister's thunder? She can be quite agressive. Sometimes she is doing it just to divert my attention, but sometimes there is deliberate intent at one-up-manship. I understand wanting attention, but DD1 is highly intense and even my 100% attention feels like not enough. Poor DD2 gets lost in the shuffle. She's easy going but 1. I don't like her missing out on attention and 2. I don't want her *always* overshadowed by her sister.

Here are typical scenarios:

- DD2 is dancing, showing me how she can do the hokey pokey. DD1 jumps in and, blocking my view so I can't see DD2, starts showing me how SHE can do the hokey pokey.

- DD2 announces she wants to be the one to open the door. She runs ahead to go do so. DD1 (who is older, bigger, faster) runs past her, shoving her sister aside and gets to the door first.

- DD2 is wants me to hear how she can count. She starts counting "1-2-3..." DD1 chimes in, drowning out DD2's voice, counting louder.

You get the idea. This type of stuff happens all.day.long. It happens with every single tiny activity/event in our day. It is constant. How do I stop DD1 from doing this? I find myself losing my temper over it all day long!! Help!

[colsxjack]

I only have one child who is just 13mths old, but I am the youngest of 3 spanning 3 years from oldest to youngest. With all of us close in age like that, there was a lot of competition.

I would say that maybe you should step in during the really important issues that are worth a fight or just every once in a while so that DD2 can express herself and get a bit of attention. But otherwise, I would ignore it and allow your kids, and especially DD2, to find a way to express themselves in a family. That's basically how it went in my family and I definitely learned to push my way forward and grab my place in the family. Truth is that in some aspect your DD2 will be living in her sisters shadow for a few more years, but she will find her way to express herself and become a recognized individual within the family and the neighbourhood.
Maybe if your DD2 is more of an introvert or passive you may have to step in a little more to ensure she doesn't stop trying.

Stepping in and making DD1 step aside all the time when she's pushing for attention may just make her push for attention harder and more often and cause more competition between the two.

In the example of DD2 counting and DD! budding in and counting louder...I would go with the flow, cheer the efforts of DD1 after she shows that she can count and then ask to give DD2 a turn after DD1 finishes. Then ask DD1 if she can count from 10-15 or something a little beyond the abilities of DD2 and cheer her on. Probably the more you give her attention for the things she can do more than DD2 the less she will try to compete with her. DD2 will also quickly learn from DD1 how to count higher, jump higher, run faster, hop on one foot longer, etc.

[nextcommercial]

They aren't my own kids. But, I have daycare kids who do this.

I stop it every time. I have one four year old, and if I think one child is doing something cute, and want a picture of it, I have to point at the four year old to let her know that it's not her picture, and I need her to wait. I always take the four year old's picture afterwards though. The four year old has plenty of times when she's the only one in the picture. It's not like she is truly never the cute one.

If her little sister is making a "video" of herself singing, the four year old tries to get into the video. I stop her, and sometimes we have to start the video over.

If I let another child pick something for the whole group. (movie, music, snack) she will ALWAYS say in a confident voice "I don't want that, I want *insert her ideas". Then when I say "Well, we let Carissa pick today" she will cry and pout the entire time to take any fun out of it for everybody.

I make her stop every time she is trying to take over or be the only center of attention. Sure, she's jealous and feels left out. In some ways she IS being left out. But, her life isn't going to change any time soon, so she needs to get over it. Nobody owes her the spotlight all the time. Sometimes it's all about her. Sometimes it's all about someone else.

She started kindergarten last week, and has already been in trouble twice (in five days) for being "high maintenance". <--her words. But, on the note sent home it said "Was not first at the water fountain and pushed the two kids in front of her then stepped to the front". "Was not chosen to go to the office for attendance and later hit the child who was chosen when they were on the playground".

So, hopefully she will learn that life is a group effort. Otherwise, her husband is going to have to be a very patient and attentive man.

[Hokulele]

Thank you for your responses - despite how different they are, they both make sense. I do often try to let the girls figure it out - I even often tell them to work out a compromise. I don't expect DD2 to understand what a "compromise" is (by now, though, I think she gets it!!) But DD1 is old enough to understand and when she's feeling cooperative she WILL compromise, somewhat successfully.

I do worry that DD2 is too introverted and will start to see herself as the second fiddle in all things (does that make sense?)

And I worry that DD1 will learn that this type of agressive behavior will win her things.

PP - you mention the photos! Yes! I don't think I have a *single* video of DD2 without DD1 doing something loud in the background to take away from the moment. If I stop and ask her to give her sister her moment, she will scream and/or just laugh and keep on doing what she's doing. It drives me crazy!!

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by Hokulele

- DD2 is dancing, showing me how she can do the hokey pokey. DD1 jumps in and, blocking my view so I can't see DD2, starts showing me how SHE can do the hokey pokey.

I walk over to Dd1, take her by the hand and have her sit on the couch with me while her little sister dances. Then I say "would you like to show me how you can do the hokey pokey?"

Originally Posted by Hokulele

DD2 announces she wants to be the one to open the door. She runs ahead to go do so. DD1 (who is older, bigger, faster) runs past her, shoving her sister aside and gets to the door first.

I close the door. I hold dd1 by the hand and I let dd2 open it. I tell dd1 firmly that her sister asked to do it. Then I set up a system of turns. If dd1 takes her sister's turn, she loses hers. (And yes, for a while we really did have a system of taking turns for opening doors, ringing doorbells, etc.)

Originally Posted by Hokulele

DD2 is wants me to hear how she can count. She starts counting "1-2-3..." DD1 chimes in, drowning out DD2's voice, counting louder.

I send dd1 to her room. I come back down, put dd2 on my lap and have her count for me.

I then make sure each child gets 30 minutes a day of my undivided attention where they get to call the shots. I make sure that big sister gets to do some special 'big kid' things. And I consider sending her to school in Deepest Darkest Peru .

[mysticmomma]

I didnt really read, so this may have been said by a pp. Have you talked to ODD about how she is teaching YDD so much and it's so exciting when she has something new to show off? Ask her to sit in the "audience" with you so she can be proud of what she's taught her younger sister? Do you make time to specifically be an audience for ODD? whether takign turns or out of the blue or whatever? I Would talk about this the next time you have a quiet minute together. Maybe paint her toenails or put some make up on and while you have her undivided attention gently talk about it conversationally.

[heartmama]

I only have one child, but I was the middle of three, and I am very much in the camp with nextcommercial and LynnS6. I would address it every single time.

For the record---growing up I was frequently the dominant child and overshadowed my siblings. For me it was partly a desire to please, partly immaturity, and partly insecurity. I don't think it was mean spiritedness at all-- if they did anything that got attention, I just had a really self centered response to it. My immediate thought was "Okay, now I need to tell them what great things I did too!".

I think what I lacked was gentle but firm training in the role of co-nurturer. In our family our mother nurtured, and that was it. Nobody else had that job. I had no way to express my nurturing feelings and still feel secure in the family. I needed a way to feel safe and 'good' about my role in the family when that role was one of nurturer rather than center-stage-star. Because I do think, without a doubt, children who demand a lot of praise/attention are struggling with feelings of insecurity, for whatever reason.

In this case, a 5 year old with a cute 2 year old baby sister has a pretty clear reason to feel worried. I bet wherever they go, people coo over the baby first. I mean, I do it too, everyone does it--they notice the baby first. So your 5 year old might very well feel this need to constantly assert her presence with the younger sibling. Do you think that could be the case?