Life changes getting the best of me

[Mommy40]

Hello,

I hope you can help me.
This is very difficult for me to admit, but I know if i dont reach out...
I have asked friends and family and they dont seem to believe me or they dismiss it.

I will try to make it short.
I am going through a long, amicable but very painful divorce.
I separated at the end of 2008.

when that happened my baby boy was 8 months old. With all the pain, financial problems, I lost my house, and sense of abandonment because my husband left, I loved my son. I was truly and healthily bonded to him. I felt whole, we were family.
I embraced my single mothering with pride and joy, even though I was always beyond exhaustion and very depressed over the other areas of my life. I was super mom. I tell you about my adversities to illustrate how strong my bond to that child was. I had to work full time to support us both so he started attending child care. But still all was well with him...and with me

Time passed by and my husband came back a year later. Unfortunately, the man who came back was the same man who had left a year prior, so this was very short lived, he left again last March and I filed for divorce.

Now, all is the opposite with my son. And here it comes the feelings I have, which I hate, but they are there. I feel unable to bond with him. I am unable to enjoy him. I resent all the energy he takes. I feel he is in the middle between me and my life. I take care of him and play with him, but no joy on my side. Now his father is sharing and I am happy when he pick my boy from school and not me. On the weekends I count the hours for when it is time for him to go with his dad.

I dread the evenings when it is my turn, I try to create activities and go to places we can both enjoy, I smile and sing, and dance, tickle him, but it is all false. I do because I have to. I believe he is starting to notice. We can be playing nicely and suddenly he looks at me very sad and he starts screeching, not crying, screeching. It is very disturbing, it started two weeks ago when we got him out of the pacifier.

He only does this with me, not with his father, so I am the problem.
Also, only with me he makes a big tantrum now to go to sleep, arcs with back and screeches and, last night, he tried to hit me!

Yes, I can blame it on the pacifier withdraw, but I know what I feel inside. I know I dread spending time with my own son, that is horrible! Instead I want to listen to music, go out, there are classes I want to attend but I cant because of him. Even there is bible study that I miss because of him. At night, I dont get proper sleep because he gets up at least twice of his tossing and turning wakes me up.

I had my son when I was 39, I am 41 now and I want to enjoy life. I want to find a way to enjoy life, which we all deserve, but the way I did before, where I enjoyed, truly, being a mom

I have thought about therapy, but it is so expensive! Can you help?

[swd12422]

Aw, hugs to you! I haven't been where you are, but I can tell you that the early-mid toddler months were HARD for me. Actually, infanthood didn't sit well with me either, and I didn't have the turmoil of separation/reconciliation attemtps/divorce going on. I am in my 40s too, and waited SO long to become a mama, and once it finally happened, it just took a long time to feel it. I love my boy more than anything in the world, but the bonding just didn't come that easily. Then it started to, and toddler hood hit, and I found it exhausting and very trying. It was hard to play with him and actually have fun. Some days, it was hard to even like him, even though in the grand scheme of things he was an "easy" baby, not too spirited, not too high needs.

I felt awful. Guilty, undeserving, and just off. After all, I knew in my heart I loved him, but while with him I just couldn't feel it. I thought there was something wrong with me. I think it was simply exhaustion. Too tired to feel upbeat and alive. Maybe that's depression, I don't know.

All I know is that now he's going on 3, and we do have fun. I still love him more than anyhthing, and I'm pretty sure he knows it. I still yell, still have days when I need a break, still pray for a longer nap.... But I don't count the hours til I get some relief. I don't wake up in the morning, wishing he had slept longer. (Well, I'm not exactly thrilled when he wakes at 530, but it's not the feeling of dread of another day with him. It's more of a it's-too-early feeling that used to come with the alarm clock going off...)

The best thing you can do is take care of yourself. If that means getting a sitter once a week, do it. Maybe you could even just get a neighborhood kid to pick him up from school and play with him for an hour while you get dinner ready, so you can unwind in peace. Little things like that help a lot.

Try to understand where he's coming from too. I'm sure that even if he doesn't fully understand what's happening with your marriage, he feels the upset. He knows you're "off" and he's responding to that. And he's probably only acting up with you b/c you're the closest to him and he knows it's safe. He needs a way to get his feelings out and this is how he's doing it. Bedtime means separation from you, so of course he's going to fight it. It's also a way for him to get more of your time and attention. I don't know what your bedtime routine with him is, but maybe it's time for a change. (My son changed his bedtime routine at that age, too.) Can you lie down with him til he falls asleep? Or read the story in bed instead of before? Something like that can help him feel closer to you.

DS was never a cosleeper, but once he switched from crib to bed it was so much easier to do bedtime b/c I could like down with him and didn't feel like I needed to rush him off to sleep so I could get on with my evening. Now for naps and night time, I lie down in bed with him and sing to him. If he doesn't fall asleep "fast enough" for me, I taper off the singing and pretend I've fallen asleep, and he is quiet and eventually falls asleep. Sometimes I really do fall asleep, and that's good too, b/c either way it's quiet time and relaxing for me, and mommy's there for him.

Sorry for the ramble. I just feel for you. I admire how much you're doing for him, but don't burn yourself out. And as for the "feeling" of having fun, just keep doing what you're doing. Fake it til you make it. That lovin' feeling will come back, I promise.

[Mommy40]

wow sdw, this is very helpful! You are an answer to my prayers. Truly, Praise God!

While therapy can prove financially disastrous, sitter here and there sounds sensible. I do know a happy mommy makes for a happy kid.
I might even look for those classes again and attend one a week while having a sitter play with him near by until I get out. They are not that late, 6-7 or maybe 7-8.

I also love the night times ideas. Will play with different alternatives.
I have the feeling he would like for me to lay down next to him.

This is so me:
[QUOTE]
I felt awful. Guilty, undeserving, and just off. After all, I knew in my heart I loved him, but while with him I just couldn't feel it. I thought there was something wrong with me. I think it was simply exhaustion. Too tired to feel upbeat and alive. Maybe that's depression, I don't know.[/QUOTE
May I add selfish in my case...

Thank you for helping me feel normal, human

[Neera]

I couldn't read your post and not write. I am sorry you don't feel love for dc. I'm in my 40s too and have a 3 yr old and this has so far been the hardest. I am always screaming at her, i think. I jsut feel like i'm about to lose my lungs. And you are a single mom. It must be rough for you. So, it is possible that as an infant it was much easier for you to care for him and as a toddler it's just naturally v. hard and therefore the loss of love. I just couldn't take the pacifier away from her cold turkey, I did try but I gave in. She was too attached to it and it just happened that she accidentaly hurt her lip and we stopped giving it to her because of that and from then on we never offered it again. I don't know if you want to try a gentler method. There are days I just feel like I'm going nuts (I am in the process of getting anger management books) but, haven't felt loveless. I can imagine how exhausted you must be to feel that way. But, I feel loveless towards dh instead. I think we never realized how hard it would be as older parents but I'm digressing. Am also in the process of getting help hopefully 3 times a week for 3 hrs. This is not a sitter but someone to help me with housework. I have a back problem and with a 3 yo old with constant tantrums, not whining but full blown tantrums, I am miserable most of the time, I can say I am not a loving person at all at this point in my life. I almost want most people who are not supportive or understanding of my situation to just disappear. I just want you to know that you're not alone...

[Mommy40]

I think at 40 we are redefining our lives, and this is a huge endeavor.
Yes, my divorce propelled me into this, but all my friends on their 40 are going after something else in life, they dont have toddlers, but adolescents, who are difficult, but demand less amount of time and they are on their way out to adulthood.
I know mothering is forever, but a toddler? we are just starting!
I just believe this compounds the problem.

We just have to find a way. redefine our lives AND mother our toddlers we must.
How do you eat an elephant? one bite a a time.
Step one: get me some help, and breathe more.

Im asking around who can do some little either babysitting or housework for me.

Neera, you too can do it, even if we dont see it now, it will get better!!!

[Ruthla]

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time right now.

It sounds like you may be suffering from depression- check out natural supplements and dietary changes that can help, talk to a therapist, and consider medication if talk therapy and natural remdies don't do enough for you.

And maybe you son isnt' ready to be without his pacifier yet. I'd consider letting him use one again, if it would stop the screeching.

[Neera]

Thanks Mommy40. Just wanted to say that I happened to meet a mom at the park who had her first at 39 and the 2nd at 45, both natural births as well. She may even be a member here, who knows. If she is reading this she'll know who I am. For me, it was like getting a glimpse into the future, seeing what things might be like 10 years down the line. She was q. impressive I have to say. She was recommending various exercises especially weight training and as soon as I get help I am planning on getting some exercise going. (Right now it's zero.) Some recent posts that I've been reading here, especially concerning burned out mommys have been highly recommending it too. Good luck!

[mowilli3]

Mama,

I had a similar experience over the past couple of years. My DC are 5 and 3.5 and about a year and half ago, I wanted a lot more space for myself. I was tired from tandem nursing, working full time, being wife and mom and cook and everything else in my home. I wanted to leave my DH and then he left me.

After he left, I went through a crisis. And my children spent a lot of time with my sister while I got my head together. I started counselling with my DH, but it was not very helpful, so we stopped. I went through depression and considered leaving my whole family.

I found comfort in prayer, I pray several times a day. I pray while I walk. I pray while I put the kids to bed. I pray at work. I also started dancing again. I take a class every week, and it makes me feel wonderful. I dance while I cook. I dance while I clean. I dance at work. I decided that I could be in a bad mood or I could get a handle on my anxiety and depression. I wanted my children to trust and depend on me again, so I spent more time with them just sitting and hugging. Sometimes I even watch tv with them. But I learned to be present, to give my full attention to my children when I am with them. That takes practice, but it is worth the practice.

Sometimes the pull to go out into the world is a reminder that you need something fullfilling. But you don't have to go to everything out there. Just one really nice thing can do it.

My DH and I have reconciled and split and reconciled again. We love each other, and we are trying to learn to be together again after all of the stress of life with small children. It is tremendous.

Good luck.

[Mommy40]

Wow mowilli
You are a survivor or life!
I too take comfort in prayer and dancing is the class I'm trying to attend. Belly dancing actually! I did some with dvd but it is not the same.

My divorce is final and I am actuallt happy about it, it was not a loving relationship.

An update:
I learned there is a lady in my community that babisits. I'm interviewing her tonight with my son and ill ask her to help me 2-3 hours a week.
Praying I got that I need to be kinder to myself and more patience.
I am there for him, I do play and be with him. He is ok.
A happy mommy makes for a happy baby
I determined my priority now is to declutter and decorate my place. The walls are naked, there are pieces of furniture I just hate. I prefer having an empty space that I enjoy than a table imprinted with bad memories. I started yesterday with the living room. I'm getting rid of everything but the sofa and even that one I might change down the road. This is what I need!

[Mommy40]

This is really hard...

The good news

The lady is great, sweet and my son connected with her immediately.
It was great leaving him there from 6:30 to 7:30 after his 6pm meal so I could unwind a bit, work on my apt and even took a bath. I picked him up at 5:30 from preschool.

The bad news
While he was great, he did cry for 2 minutes when I left, my heart broke, i almost came back in, I felt guilty. Even while i was enjoying my bath. I know this is the wrong mindset, guilt never comes from God and it is just an hour.
The lady is literally one block from me. I just need to get used to this.

THis is a long weekend, Today my son is with his dad. I will have him Sunday AND Monday and I am already freaking out. I am exhausted now because he does not sleep through the night so I didnt get much sleep last night and he got up and active at 5am. His dad picked him up at 7:30am (i was counting the minutes again and trying to kept busy so it would go faster) from there I went to take my car for maintenance. I am back home and I need a nap!

I realize that one core problem is how energy draining it is to be around him, with him. Every second he is jumping on something he shouldnt jump on, trying to grab something he shouldn't grab or trying to get me to stop doing something I need to do; such as using the bathroom, answering the phone or doing the dishes (it is only the two of us). these activities take but a few minutes yet he makes tantrums because I am not doing what he wants me to do. Yes, there are moments of good play and kisses, but mostly me correcting him or protecting him and following him around.

Another core problem, no fault of him at all, is that I met his dad, the man who became my husband when I was 15. I never really enjoyed my life or did much of fulfilling value. So now it is my turn at 40, but i cant, because I have a toddler! I couldnt get pregnant for so long, now i wish I had put an age limit and either live childless or adopt an older child.

My son will never find out I have this thoughts, but I do.

[Mommy40]

omg, I feel so much better now:
read this:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...=640702&page=3

I have been demanding of myself to be supermom, to spend every second that I am with my son being a mother and enjoying it in magic bliss.
This is not right, I can and will step back. He is two and a half, he needs to let mommy go to the frigging bathroom, talk on the phone and even use the computer a bit when he is here. Tantrums will increase, but it is either that or burn!

I realize I wanted to be a mom because I was soupoused to want to to be a mom. I never stop to consider it as an option. "Let's see, do I want to have kids, what are the pros and cons? etc etc. Saddly, nobody would have been there to tell me the cons on my face and I would have never had the intuition to look for the pros of childless live. but this is a truth I have to accept. I have a toddler at 40 and I will have to make the best i can from it

Somebody tell me it gets better?

[swd12422]

It does get better. Don't expect miracles, and maybe you just have to plan your time more carefully, but it will eventually get better. What I mean by planning your time is that you could start cleaning, peeing, talking on the phone, getting online while your son is there and awake, and see how it goes. You can tell him that you "need" to make this call so here is a toy, please go play with it until mommy comes back, and see how long that lasts. It may not be long enough, so just expect that and roll with it. The REALLY important calls that will just leave you frustated should wait til you have true alone time (while he's asleep or at dad's). That way, you don't end up annoyed with him. But practice with him on stuff that's less important, so he gets used to it. Like just check your email and then see how long you make it before he starts vying for your attention. When he does, produce another toy or distraction and go back to the computer. Do it a few times and see how long you can go before you start to feel stressed or frustrated with him, and then say, "Thank you for giving me those few minutes, honey. I can see you really need some attention, so let's go play." And give him 5 minutes of undivided attention. Then try to go back to doing something else.
I used to just start screaming as soon as I was interrupted b/c it was SO frustrating to not get to do anything that didn't involve him directly. It took a lot of "practicing" til we could do it, and even now I don't surf online or do a whole lot without him at my elbow. But I can tell him I need him to "read" his book quietly while I'm on the phone and can get just enough time to call the plumber or the phone company to report a problem or whatever. Baby steps!

[Mommy40]

Do you use car rides to help toddler to sleep

hi

[Mommy40]

Do you use car rides to help toddler to sleepi

hi,
I figured out that my 2 and a half year old son only needs 8-9 hours of sleep per day and he is healthy, happy and with more energy that all galaxies combined!

He typically gets up at 7am on his own and even when he doesn't take a nap, I am lucky if he is slowing down and sleeping by 10 pm to repeat next morning waking at 7am fresher than ever. It is not rare for him to scape from his bed (or mine) and start running around until 11 or later.

Last Sunday I was exhausted so by 9:30pm I took him for a car ride, 20 min later he was deeply sleeping.

Do you use this technique as well?