my dad thinks i am less able than my younger brother bc i am a girl.

[LionessMom]

my dad's first born was a boy. he died at 6mo from spina bifida. then along came me. dad was disappointed i was a girl. he went on to have 2 boys after that. but he was always disappointed that his oldest wasnt a boy and i couldnt carry on his name. i spent most of my life trying to get his attention to hear he was proud to see him accept me the way he accepted my younger brothers. which is stupid bc i am the only one with kids and the only one living in my own house, married, etc. my brothers who are 28 and 31 years old, sit around and play games all the time. i just know when and if they have kids and it is a boy to have the name, they will be doted on. if that happens, i would serioulsy have a hissy fit and cut them out of my life. my dad recently drew up a will and named my younger brother the one to make the medical decisions and whether or not to stop life support. you know why? bc he didnt want me to have to deal with such a hard emotional thing. and he knew my brother wouldnt let his emotions get in the way. excuse me. i am the oldest. i grew up taking care of my brothers. i stayed home and didnt take drivers ed voluntarily one summer, to babysit my brothers, so my parents could finish college, to get better jobs. i didnt get my license until i was 17 instead of 16 like the other kids, voluntarily. to help my family when they needed it. i spent countless evenings doing for my family, my dad, to ensure the family got on its feet. i feel like all that effort, all that energy, wasnt worth it. to know my dad still feels this way.

i havent told my dad that i feel this way. i said one sentence to him about how i didnt like it and that i didnt feel my brother was up to it. that i felt like it was my responsibilty as the oldest to take care of my parents when they needed that. then i shut up. i was too afraid that if i told him how i felt it would be used against me as being to emotional. i feel betrayed.

help me. i need to feel ok about this. this issue has strangled me for too long. my dad is a great guy in every other way. i love him. but i just cant let this get to me anymore.

[proudmomof4]

Wow, that's a tough place to be in. I don't have any spontaneous suggestions but wanted to send you some good anyway.

[LionessMom]

thanks. it helped at least to type it out. my dad loves me. i know he does. but he doesnt know that it h urts me that he thinks this way.

[Ann-Marita]

It's hard to have a sexist parent. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

My father was terribly sexist. He belonged to a very small, very VERY conservative church, and women seemed just a half step above property. Or maybe a step below.

Sometimes having a daughter will help a man evolve beyond sexism. And sometimes not.

Again, I'm sorry.

[lazzybee]

I'm sorry you have to deal with a sexist parent. It sucks!

Have you considered writing a letter? Letters are wonderful because you can really point out not only how hurtful this is but also how his actions/attitudes are based in extremely destructive conventions. It's easy to eliminate any sort of gush of emotion from letters, I think. Maybe you would feel bad telling your father he is being sexist and you find it absolutely distasteful, but, not me--I've written my share of letters!

Best of luck!

[Ellp]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this situation.

However, when it comes to your dad's will and who will be named as the person to make medical decisions... Maybe thats your dad's way of saving you from having to make all the hard decisions, while also taking care of your family during the emotional turmoil?

[LionessMom]

Originally Posted by Ellp

I'm sorry you're dealing with this situation.

However, when it comes to your dad's will and who will be named as the person to make medical decisions... Maybe thats your dad's way of saving you from having to make all the hard decisions, while also taking care of your family during the emotional turmoil?

that is why i didnt really say anything. i still think i should be the one shielding my brothers from having to do it. but it is his choice.

[laohaire]

Your post made me think you could benefit from reading Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. I've read a lot of self-help books, and most of them are mediocre at best. This book is outstanding, and has so many insights that were not at all obvious to me before I read it.

One thing she suggests is that confronting a toxic parent can be very empowering and be a very defining moment that changes your relationship to the parent (for the better) forever. She is very careful to explain that the goal of confrontation is not to change the parent or get them to see the error of their ways. Apparently that does happen sometimes, but you can't count on it. However, it seems that just being self-actualized enough to tell a parent "this is what you did, and this is how it made me feel" can made you walk taller, feel more adult, and feel less dependent on the approval/love of your toxic parent. You can move on from them, in a way.

[LionessMom]

my dad is not toxic, just old-fashioned. . he doesnt treat me bad. he treats me great. he just thinks i am less able or more emotional bc i am a girl. like i need to be protected. instead of the responsible strong person he taught me to be.....

[Katwoman]

You're post really struck a cord with me. I wanted you to know you're not alone. The only difference between us is it's my mother who thinks men are worth more than women. It's totally her issue. But boy does it hurt/suck sometimes. (The county was going to foreclose on their property. I stepped in and negotiated the terms/conditions for nonforeclosure and got the property sold. When the money came in from the sale I offered investment advice. They told me no, that my brother was going to help them with it. I went to school for business management, his degree is liberal arts - he a band teacher. When my brothers were in a terrible car accident three hours from here and we had to go to the hospital she took the neighbor guy with us because "he would know what to do". sigh ...... The list goes on and on, but you get the picture.) I was lucky, my brothers are a lot younger than me, so I was closer to an adult when these things started happening so I was able to think them through. But emotions and thoughts are certainly two different things.

I'm sorry you're going through this!

[LROM]

Originally Posted by LionessMom

my dad is not toxic, just old-fashioned. . he doesnt treat me bad. he treats me great. he just thinks i am less able or more emotional bc i am a girl. like i need to be protected. instead of the responsible strong person he taught me to be.....

I understand why the word "toxic" seems too extreme to you to apply to your dad. But look at how you've been feeling your whole life, and how his judgement about what you are and are not capable of has affected you. And the fact that even looking at you and your siblings, from what you've described you've accomplished much more than your brothers, but you're not recognized for that.

Your dad can be a lovely person (and it sounds like you feel he is) and still ALSO engage in damaging behavior like sexism. Doesn't make him a bad person, just makes his opinions/beliefs problematic for you and have a negative impact on you.

I 2nd the suggestion taht you read "Toxic Parents", not because your dad is a horrible person to be around, but because it helps people understand even better how/why the things our parents say/do affect us for lifetimes and how to shift the dynamic at least so that WE as their kids feel better. And often it can shift the dynamic to strengthen our relationship with the parent.

I'd never have described my dad as toxic, he's been an awesome father in my opinion. But that doesn't mean we didn't have some patters/cycles we went through that were unhealthy and draining that finally I had to realize I had to change how *I* behaved to keep my sanity, and in changing I couldn't expect him to change but he actually did. Our relationship is much better now.

Even good, loving parents can do/say things that hurt their kids. Figuring out how to handle it in a healthy, productive way is always time well spent.