4 year old

[Nourishma]

My son is 4 1/2 and lately we have been having some problems with a few different things.

First of all, it should be stated that we just had a cross-country move and I am expecting baby #3 anytime now. So, a lot going on for him needless to say.

The two things we struggle with is his total refusal to respond to requests of him, and disrespectful response when his disobedience is addressed.

An example of this may be:

Me:"Please put on your shoes, it is time to go."
Him: No response
Me:" Son, it is time for us to head out, please put on your shoes."
Him: nothing
Me: walk over to him, lift his chin, look him in the eye and say "we are leaving, please put your shoes on now"
Him: no movement
Me: "I feel that you are ignoring me and I am getting frustrated. I am asking you to put on your shoes"
after yet again no response from him, I get his shoes and begin to put them on his feet myself, he gets angry that I am not honoring his refusal and begins to flail his legs saying "you can't make me". His kicks are strong enough to be painful and I at this point generally tend to lose my patience. I drag him to the car, he yells, is very angry, I'm angry, his sister is crying, all over putting shoes on.
This happens a lot, mostly little things like getting ready for bed, putting up a toy, putting clothes in the laundry hamper, etc. Sometimes it is over bigger things like he is running in the house, has knocked his sister over repeatedly (though on accident) and refuses to stop. When I try to talk to him about how he is ignoring me, phrases like "you do it", "you can't make me", I won't stop", or sometimes he just says nonsense syllables "me bo be boo boo" in a mocking tone are his response.
I feel that he is for the most part pretty easy-going, a very sweet big brother and has historically been rather peaceful.
But lately, it just feels like he doesn't do anything I say, straight up ignores me and responds in a very mouthy way. I can't even imagine where he would have seen someone talking like that before.
The worst part of it is how upset it makes me, how angry I get with him and how I feel I have no clue how to deal with it. Often I feel like I'm just randomly trying different things, none of it working getting more and more frustrated as his behavior escalates to a more mouthy, more violent, more angry level.
I know I just need to try to stay calm while we go through this time, but I just need sensible, effective ways to get through to him without power-struggles, lost tempers, yelling or over-whelming frustration.
Any ideas appreciated.

[Iucounu]

Hmm

This sounds like an imbalance-of-power issue. I think it is worthless in this context to appeal to his empathy by saying things like, "I feel you are ignoring me, and it's making me frustrated", etc. He already knows those things, and obviously he is trying to frustrate you, so it's really just telling him that it's working.

I have been reading a book on the "Nurtured Heart Approach" that seems like it may help in your situation. The training techniques seem straightforward, though the authors seem to base their thinking on some strange concepts (e.g. in one part they draw an analogy to homeopathic "medicine" of all things). A lot of Nurtured Heart boils down to 1) being completely dispassionate when a child misbehaves, as getting upset can actually function as a screwy sort of reward; 2) dispassionately and consistently implementing a negative consequence, which need not be severe, in response to bad behavior; and 3) making sure to reward any tendency for improvement with a lot of praise.

Another book I read, "Beyond Time-Out: From Chaos to Calm", may be available at your local library and may help greatly. http://parentingbooks.suite101.com/a..._chaos_to_calm
The book details a problem called "imbalance of family power", which sounds like it may be a problem in your case. When my now-5-year-old was throwing tantrums and failing to show proper respect to my wife, I used the "Ladder" technique from the book successfully. Similarly to the Nurtured Heart approach, it takes some discipline: you have to remain calm at all times (the author even recommends affecting a detached, faintly amused air at times, as if the misbehavior is simply silly and juvenile) and be completely consistent for it to work.

The good news about using techniques like this is that after you get over the hurdle of training yourself to be absolutely consistent, your anger and even your frustration should fall away.

[leilamom]

He may be feeling like he has no choice in what is going on around him. I would add choices to things...like Would you like to put your shoes on by yourself or would you like for me to help you? Would you like to wear these PJ's or those PJ's to bed? Would you like the red cup or blue cup? I have used this technique, and after time, it starts to diffuse a lot of those situations. I would also look at what type of things you are requiring him to do. Are shoes a requirement for leaving the house? If they are, you can give him the choice, if not...I would let it go. Not a battle worth fighting. If he is doing this about lots of things, I might look at what things are really optional at this point, and get a handle on the things that are mandatory and add back in the optional things as he gets more adjusted. He is probably feeding off your frustration and may be feeling that he isn't getting as much attention as he might be used to (big moves and new babies are big things) and this is his way to get it. I would remain cool and calm and not feed in to his behavior either. Which is much easier said than done Good luck!