How did you proceed?

[herbalshakti]

hi. so I'm reaching out on a limb here. I'm 26 with 2 kids ages 5.5 & 2 and I have been with my partner for almost 7 years. We have finally decided to call it quits after a year of therapy with not much results. We both come from abusive upbringings and he has turned into the type of abuse I was raised with and me like wise...its terrible and sad. I fell in love with him when I was 19 and he was 27 and we have created so much together....but it comes down to not wanting to be these monsters in front of our kids so we have agreed to part...
I moved out of my parents abusive home very young, 14 almost 15 and so when I met him I felt so sheltered and cared for(mind you I worked, had my own home and was very independent)...he took care of me in simple ways..like breakfasts & dinners, I never really had formal ones growing up but we created them as a regular everyday thing in our little family. He has helped me transform from a young wild, rebellious girl into a mother, a woman and I feel so scared to be going out into this world and be this woman without him. So much of me wants to just forget that we get so ugly to eachother but I can't anymore. He has been physical and I just don't want my daughter (and son) to experience what I went through as a child. My parents are still together after more than 30 years but as an adult I do resent them for not just splitting, even till this day they can't stand eachother. I don't want to be like that.
I know I can be okay theoretically, I'm in grad school and he is super supportive of me but I am SCARED. I feel like as soon as the door closes I'm going to shatter and not know how to function as a mom, as a person, we have a second home and I have already begun staying there so the transition has begun...but its feel like a daze..not real yet


So I ask you moms that have once been in similar situations, what did you do to keep yourself sane? what kept you healthy, feeling hopeful, I really don't want to turn back. I'm sick of therapy even though I probably need it twice a week for the rest of my life, I can't stand it anymore...lately reading "Women who run with the wolves" has been helpful but I need ideas, strategies somethting to get me through...I think of being single and I just feel depressed..."like who would want me, I'm damaged" I know its sad but I can't help but think that I screwed up though in my heart I don't regret having my beautiful babies and going through this with him< I just can't envision having another man in my life though i hunger for a different, healthy kind of love.


Its f&*kd up but my mom can only tell me that he's such a good provider and I should work through it> as much as love him for who he is and hate the fact that I am so young and already going to to be a single parent I know its the best thing and there is no turning back. I imagine sometimes that there could be but i also feel that there has been too much damage. We both are screwed up and when we are together it gets amplified, I guess thats why it feels like we have so much passion and love but at the end of the day I know that this type of love is not sustainable. I have traveled alone, birthed alone, moved out young, and hustled my way through college and now grad school as a mom, but this right here, right now in my life is seeming so daunting, I can hardly swallow, hardly breathe. I try to think of my kids but I choke up.... How did you proceed?

[Learning_Mum]

One day at a time.

My story was very different to yours. I was totally heartbroken when DH left (which it sounds like you will be) and all I could do was focus on the moment and try and get through one thing at a time. It got easier as the days passed.

I'm not sure if this is what you mean?

[chicaalegre]

Good for you (and your partner) for recognizing unhealthy patterns and keeping kids in mind. I think it can be really easy to ignore and get along in an unhealthy marriage, "for the kids," but I agree that witnessing emotional and/or physical abuse is so damaging. We are teaching our daughters (and sons) how to have relationships.

It sounds like you have so much wisdom, strength and experience already, and it does sound like you know you're capable, just that you're occasionally doubtful. I can empathize with feeling scared and lonely--I think that's probably inevitable with such a big change and loss. Folks have told me to expect to deal with separation/divorce as a loss, to go through a grieving process, and it's been helpful to me to try and allow myself to sit with those feelings rather than distract or otherwise try to escape them or stuff them. Just to experience them and recognize that they are uncomfortable, sad, etc. and then let them pass.

A few other things for me have been really helpful:
1) My friends/family and support community. It sounds like family may not be a strong source of support for you. I don't know if alcoholism or addiction affects anyone in your family, but if so, you might try Alanon. I have found Alanon and 12 step work (for family and friends of Alcoholics/Addicts/etc) to be immensely helpful, and it continues to be. It has helped to identify so many behaviors/patterns/ways of relating within myself that need to change before I can have a healthy relationship. We learn so much about how to "love" from our family of origin and this community of support has been so helpful, nonjudgmental, wise, etc.

2) I read a book with a really cheesy title, but it was very helpful nonetheless. It's called "Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He'll Change," by Robin Norwood. Helpful in identifying things in myself, what I look for and how I participate in relationships.

3) Paying a lot of attention to self-care is helpful for me. Making sure I eat well and drink a lot of water, have herbal support (things that have been recommended to me are nettles/oatstraw tea, rodiola tincture, rescue remedy and other flower essences for myself and kiddos), get enough sleep, get some exercise. I've started to journal in a paper journal, which has been really nice.

4) I will second a previous poster who responded with "One Day at a Time." This is a 12 step slogan that has been very helpful and helps me to stay present when I have a tendancy to catastrophize and get way ahead of myself. Thinking about what I have power over (my behaviors) vs. what I am powerless over (most everything else) has helped alot.

Hugs to you, Mama. I really believe that we attract and are attracted to people who are at a parallel level of health (mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically), so the best we can do is focus on making ourselves more healthy. Try to be gentle with yourself and recognize all the ways in which you already care for yourself and your kids, all of your strengths (and so many are obvious just in your short post!).