How to back my expectations down

[starbuckmom]

My ds will be 5 in 2 weeks. I have worked through the years teaching him to shut drawers when he gets something out of it, pick up toys, put things in the garbage, put his clothes in the hamper etc. Lately I have been getting upset b/c non of this is happening. I feel as though what I am saying is going in one ear and out the other. I also feel is that I am always telling him to do these things and not having any fun in life.

Is this normal for a 5yr old and if so, how do I back off on my expectations? At what point do I let things go? Or, do I continue to verbally remind him? I feel like I am going to be doing this till he is 18yrs old.

[St. Margaret]

I'm not sure what's appropriate for a 5yo, since mine is 3, but my experience has been, if you want to see a behavior, verbal reminders are good. Even if the behavior's not changing right away, keep putting that expectation there (without it becoming ignored background noise-- eg I try to really connect w/DD when I remind her about putting away one million-piece toy before getting out another). It definitely has worked-- she was refusing to help clean up at the beg of the summer, and now she helps easily and often does it on her own initiative.

[mom2happy]

Yes, in my opinion it's normal.
If you keep reminding him eventually it will stick.
I just say to my DS that Im going to check to see if everything looks the right way. I ask him if he wants to go check first and I walk very slowly so that by the time Im there everything is straight.
He is 5 also and must be reminded a lot. At that age they get side tracked very easily.

[zebra15]

Well Ds is almost 10 here and I guess I've just ''lowered my standards" over the past 5 years LOL because I don't care if his drawers are pushed in, he still forgets clothes in the bathroom, toys (esp, legos) are left out... I swear he has 'early on-set man brain'. I do send him back to re-do things when I notice but honestly, I pick my battles and neatness just isnt one of them.

[nina_yyc]

Personally I would not back off on expectations. I have set the bar pretty high for DD who is just short of four. I'm worried that if I don't establish good habits while she is little, then it will be harder to change her ways when she's older.

Does he do it when you remind him, or do you end up doing it? I make sure my DD does it, every time, no matter how late. Would it help to have a time of day to do certain things so it's all in the routine?

Also, don't know if this is your style, but I have read the when-then idea in a lot of books...'when X is cleaned up I'll know that you're ready for Y.' The idea is not to be punitive about it but to give the child more choice over when and how the job gets done within acceptable limits. I don't use that one too much on DD because she still really needs help to stay focussed, but on occasion it has worked out.

[AllisonR]

Originally Posted by starbuckmom

My ds will be 5 in 2 weeks. I have worked through the years teaching him to shut drawers when he gets something out of it, pick up toys, put things in the garbage, put his clothes in the hamper etc. Lately I have been getting upset b/c non of this is happening. I feel as though what I am saying is going in one ear and out the other. I also feel is that I am always telling him to do these things and not having any fun in life.

Is this normal for a 5yr old and if so, how do I back off on my expectations? At what point do I let things go? Or, do I continue to verbally remind him? I feel like I am going to be doing this till he is 18yrs old.

I donøt know, but I am right there with you! It is sooooo frustrating sometimes. Yes, yes, yes, I am not supposed to compare, but my 3 yo will put on her shoes, get her backpack ready and be out the door. But with my 5 yo its "DS, please put your lunchbox in your backpack" - DS distracted on the way and picking up an airplane. "DS, please put your lunchbox in your backpack" DS gets it done, but not his milk jug. "DS, where is your milk jug? Please put it in your backpack." He gets the milk jug, but then puts it in his cupboard. "DS, where are you going with the milk jug?" AAARGHH! It's 10 minutes later before he has his coat, shoes, backpack on and ready to go. And people comment that for a 5yo boy they think his concentration is good. WHAT? Oh my, I can't even imagine. Maybe part of it is more a typical boy-developemental stage?

[velochic]

I have a girl and she's 8, but I think this is normal behavior at 5. However, I think that if you lower your expectations and stop reminding him, it will never happen. I still sometimes have to remind dd to keep things tidy, but for the most part, these years of reminders have helped shape her behavior. I've never been forceful, yelled about it, or used bribes or rewards to get her to do these things. Just reminders and also not proceeding with something else she might want to do until things are finished. For example, if she wanted to play cards I'd say, "I have to finish drying and putting away the dishes and you need to put away your markers/clothes/whatever before we can play. You get your stuff done and I'll get my stuff done and then we'll play." Or sometimes I offer to do half if she does the other half. Tidiness in our home is important to everyone. My dh, my dd, my mom (who lives with us) and I all function better in a clean tidy home. It causes much less stress and dd, now at 8, finally understands this and is a willing participant.

Yeah, it means a few years of really frustrating reminders, but I've seen that it works in the end. I hope you can find a happy medium to keep your expectations and not get too frustrated in the process. Good luck!!

[NiteNicole]

I have lived with a few adults whose parents never had those expectations or gave up on "nagging" their kids and it's a pain. They make terrible roommates and partners. I think it's MUCH harder for someone to adopt the habits of cleaning up behind themselves as adults than it is to just accept them as a child. My daughter is 4.5 and suddenly she needs more reminders, but she's just going to keep getting them.

[laohaire]

I don't think there's any one answer, it depends on you, your personality, your lifestyle, etc.

For my just-turned 5 year old, I have to remind her of all that stuff too. But I'm laid back about it and it's not nagging, it's truly "reminding." I do consider a few things urgent - she recently switched to family cloth (her choice) and I remind her each time to throw it in the pail instead of the toilet. Frankly, it's hard for adults to retrain ourselves out of the habit of dropping toilet wipes into the toilet, so I don't find it frustrating - just important

My DH does not shut drawers when he opens them, so this is a testament to keep at it. Hmm, on the other hand, I'm sure his mother reminded him as a kid too. What can ya do.

Explaining WHY to do some things has been effective to get my DD to cooperate sometimes. Like the family cloth in the toilet, she knows it could break the toilet if it was flushed. Also, with the drawers being left open, someone walking by could hurt themselves if they didn't see the drawers open (a particularly salient point in our house, since I am legally blind - though I've long since learned to steer clear of the drawers anyway, given my husband's habits, lol).

I CANNOT get her to hurry when I'm in a hurry, though. I personally believe that with DD being 5, it's my responsibility to facilitate things to avoid being in a hurry. We should get ready to leave in adequate time, for example. Since I know DD doesn't move quickly, then it's up to me to make sure we've got shoes on and so on in enough time. DD doesn't go to school, but if she did, I would be teaching her to choose her clothes and pack her lunch the night before. And we'd get up in adequate time to do the things we need to do.

If for some reason I allowed a situation to get to the point of "hurry" or if it was unavoidable, I would take over. I'd grab her lunch. I'd grab her shoes. This is not universal advice, this is just how I approach it. There's nothing I can do to make DD hurry, and it just upsets everyone, so I don't feel the need to place the burden of hurry on her when she's not really capable of it and I'm perfectly capable of it. So, that's my perspective as a mom of a kid the same age.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by starbuckmom

I feel like I am going to be doing this till he is 18yrs old.

mama i think this is the crux of the matter. this presupposed idea you have that society has instilled in us.

is it really THAT important that ds do all those?

i am scared about being the nagging mom. dd knows what she has to do and by about 7 she started doing it on her own.

dunno. while i am all for reminding i am not for becoming a nag. well i must say i have perfected 'the look' so dd knows what i mean without saying a word.

has DS just started school? if he has i would go easy on him the first month. the first month of school takes a lot out of them.

and i would say yourself - RELAX. it will happen one day.

the only way i know to lower expectations is to look at your own life and look at your own philosophy. why is this so important to you? you dotn want him to be a slob at 18? or are there other things going on in your life.

[starbuckmom]

Thank you everyone for your insight!

Meeme: He does start school this year but he is homeschooled so its a pretty easy day.

I feel it is important that he learns responsibility. I feel he needs to learn to take care of his own things. I want him to be able to go off to college or out on his own a responsible adult.

I can see that it will be a while before all the teaching will finally stick and he will be picking up after himself, shutting drawers, brushing teeth etc. I don't want to be a nag but maybe I need to explain to him why I am constantly asking him to do all these things. He may not care, but hopefully he will get it one day.

[journeymom]

Originally Posted by starbuckmom

I feel it is important that he learns responsibility. I feel he needs to learn to take care of his own things. I want him to be able to go off to college or out on his own a responsible adult.

I can see that it will be a while before all the teaching will finally stick and he will be picking up after himself, shutting drawers, brushing teeth etc. I don't want to be a nag but maybe I need to explain to him why I am constantly asking him to do all these things. He may not care, but hopefully he will get it one day.

My mother-in-law runs an in-home day care and I've helped out a few times. Ds and I also did parent participation preschool. One thing they both had in common was built-in routines. Arrive in the morning and this is where you put your jacket. It's snack time so it's time to put things away. As they moved through the day everything that happened routinely was broken down into steps and the adults reminded them continually. It was simply a matter of course, there was no resentment from the parents or the kids.

And sometimes these kids remembered to do things without being told, but usually not.

If you're frustrated and feeling angry then back off for a bit. But you don't have to give up. Conversely I think tidiness is partly biological. My dh leaves bedroom drawers open all the time and it drives me up a wall. Obviously it doesn't bother him. And no one taught me to shut drawers, it's just something I do. I really think the deep-down internal urge to keep things neat is part of our personalities, so some people simply care about it more than others. Find balance and yes, pick your battles.

[bonamarq]

Ditto on the pp who said routines

routine routine routine

what's important to you? in our house it's putting shoes on the rack when you come in the door and wash your hands - it's making your bed before coming down to breakfast (and although she CAN - at 6.5 - do it all on her own she REALLY likes to have help) and lately it's putting your own clothes in the hamper before bed- I was doing this out of habit for her but now want her to take respons. - and it takes nearly nightly reminders....

Yeah she leaves drawers open - but honestly so do I ( I shut them but not ALL the way and it drives my dh nuts) - don't know why I do this but he's not gotten me to change in 15 years - and I DO try, but it just ain't that important TO ME so I just forget - And mostly that's what it takes - either it needs to be part of a mindless routine OR it needs to be meaningful to him (good luck with THAT on cleanliness matters and a 5yo)