New Posts  All Forums:
 

not on same path as dh

post #1 of 25
5/9/02 at 1:19pm
Thread Starter 
Hi, I am new to the forums here and really am grateful for such a wonderful site!
I have starting becoming more aware of everything over the pasts few years. By everything, I mean no vaccinations, herbal remedies, no gmo's, organic living, composting, yoga, homeschooling, and searching my own spiritual path. All of these topics I take very seriously. I feel at a loss when I try to discuss these issues with dh. He is not interested, which is sort of fine, I wasn't ready to take charge of my own life 10 years ago. I can't make him see the light and it may not be his to see. So my self-educating journey is my alone, and I share it with my ds, and my dh when appropriate. Sometimes I feel like we balance each other out, for all the positive experiences I am engaging in, there is dh watching tv, playing video games, filling in his time with inpersonal static. Even as I write this I can play devil advocate and see how this is okay for him. But I also see that we are not on the same path. I love my dh dearly, and can understand our own individual uniqueness. Over the journey of marraige I can imagine how each of us will sprout new wings and visit different places.
I am wondering if anyone else has felt this way or delt with this.
Thanks, Stacey
Sponsored Links
post #2 of 25
5/9/02 at 11:20pm
Oh Stacey, (((((hugs))))! I am in the same boat. It seems like I am passionate about so many things and dh only cares about work, tv,and computer games. He makes fun of my natural living efforts; when I express my dreams of organic farms and geodescic domes he discounts and dismisses them as silly; and he won't talk spirituality or even go to church with me. It's like he resents any effort on my part to grow. I am always so busy being "Mom" that i hardly ever think about it, but when I get a quiet moment alone I feel so sad.
I don't know what to tell you as I have not yet figured out how to handle this in my own life. i guess, where I'm at right now, is thinking that this marriage is, itself, an opportunity to grow greatly. It is one of the most important learning experiences I'll ever have. I will have to grapple with questions like, "Can I love someone unconditionally who is fundamentally different from me?" "Will I keep my word even when it seems so much easier to break it?" "Will I admit that some of my dearly-held opinions might be wrong? " and "Can I show the utmost respect for a person despite being uncomfortable with his values and beliefs?"?" This is character-building stuff, and, as Tracy Chapman sings, "All that you have, is yo' soul."
I was so happy to come upon the Mothering Boards recently. Here are women who may not live nearby but still affirm and appreciate the things I care about. I have also been trying to make more irl women friends to fill in the gap. That has been rewarding, b/c women are so cool in general!
I am so sorry that you are going through this too. It is hard. Maybe some other moms who have come through this kind of thing will be able to give some better advice. (((hugs again)))
post #3 of 25
5/10/02 at 1:30am
Wow, I thought I had written your post for a minute! I am in the exact same place as you. I wish I had some advice for you, but I struggle with this constantly myself. I am always telling dh that we have nothing in common, but he insists that we do. I just read Diet For a New America (great book, by the way) and evertime I would try to talk to him about it he would say, "that's not true, they don't really treat cows that way", or "well it's only a cow, who cares". It just made my blood boil.

I often wonder what it would be like to have a dh that thought along the same lines as I do. I mean would we really stay up all night discussing the rapid destruction of the rainforest by fast food companies & drinking organic free trade coffee, or would we just be too much alike?

As the previous poster mentioned, these forums save my sanity sometimes. It really does make me feel better to "know" other people who think like I do. You aren't alone.
post #4 of 25
5/10/02 at 5:08am
When I feel this way I remember something an older relative of mine told me once about his relationship with his wife. He said, "You know, if we agreed on everything, one of us would be reduntant." I know it would be nice to agree on more things than you do, but give it time, you may be surprised one day at far he has come because of your gentle nudges.
post #5 of 25
5/10/02 at 8:20am
Thread Starter 
Thank you so much for your warm replies. Maybe we can explore more deeply and keep this thread alive. I would also be willing to email to talk about this. It is something I think about alot.

one mentioned 'you may be surprised one day at far he has come because of your gentle nudges.'

I already see evidence of this, but I also feel that gentle nudges help both partners. After sitting and brewing on a topic for a while, one of us usually goes along with the other. For instance, I have wanted chickens so greatly for the past few years for my own eggs and maybe some day for meat. My dh was addiment(sp?) we not get them, they attract rats, they're dirty, on and on. Last yr we saw a documentary on chickens and saw the large factory coops and the horrible conditions, and since then I was buying free-range organic feed eggs. I researched how to build a coop, how to keep 'em. My dh told me to stop talking about it, he was becoming aggitated with our opposite desires for chickens. Well the day before Easter, a friend called to say she had the dozen and did I still want half I had taold her that I might be able to convince my dh to have 'em. Because this was the last possible moment to have chicks, he agreed to go. We all picked out a baby chick and we now have 4 chickens in a deluxe hand made (by dh) coop. He now loves the chickens. He now tells cute baby chick stories.

I am not complaining, I am thinking 'deep thoughts' on how and why our life has to be like this. I don't want to be cheerleader for everything I believe in. Nobody had to convince me having a compost pile was the right thing to do, I found out about it, became aware, then did it.

I am so lucky to have new friends(3 yrs and less) whom have similar views on the world and about life and have healthy relationships with their partners. I don't think everyone else is perfect. But it is nice to have other 'role models' Dh and I didn't meet under the best circumstances, we didn't plan out our lives, our dreams, our goals and are now living it, we plan as we go.

And I can totally relate to when I am alone and have the time to think about things, I feel how alone I am. I am very proud of how far I've come and where I am and where I want to go. I try not to get confused with being spoiled and wanting everyithing to be perfect in my life. I am simply tired of hitting a brick wall all the time, sometimes I only have me to break it down, not a mac truck!

Stacey
post #6 of 25
5/10/02 at 3:57pm
Stacey, I think you are my twin! Your dh sounds kind of like mine, in that it takes him awhile to warm up to ideas. That is so great about the chickens! I told dh last summer that I wanted chickens and you would have thought I had just told the worlds funniest joke he was laughing so hysterically. Of course it wasn't a joke. If we actually were to get them he would probably eventually enjoy having them just like your dh.

My dh does take quite well to a lot of my ideas, he just needs his own time to get used to them, I guess. When I was pregnant I explained to him about co-sleeping and ebf and he thought that it was a bit strange but he agreed to it but "definitely not longer than one year". Dd just turned two and moved out of our bed and I think he misses her more than I do. Ya know, I'm glad I just wrote this, as it has reminded me of how much I love him. Now I'm getting teary.
post #7 of 25
5/10/02 at 9:48pm
I hope it didn't sound like I meant "Hey, you've got it good, so quit yer bitchin'" because I really don't. Maybe I shouldn't post so late at night.. I get too brief and don't say what I mean.

It is a drag when you have priorities and your partner doesn't share them... worse still is being mocked for them. I am going to think for a while about what the difference is between people like us, who hear or read about a problem like we are discussing and decide to make changes and people who hear the same info and just think "bummer" and go on with their lives.
post #8 of 25
5/11/02 at 12:56pm
Thread Starter 
kama'aina mama,
Especially when I am online, I try not to assume what people mean. Everyone takes what they want and leaves the rest right? I enjoy and truely benefit from other viewpoints. I am very openminded myself

when you said ""worse still is being mocked for them"", that really struck a cord in me. First, I do have it good and I love my dh, but it is not where I am comfortable, hence my posts. That being said he does mock me, especially for my 'liberal' views. I should say his initial REACTION is to mock me, because this is where I see he is at. He constantly reacts, like an old bad habit. SOmetimes he contimplates without reacting, sometimes (rarely) he doesn't react and I can actually see him thinking things thru. When I met dh he was an alcoholic, I came from a family of them too, but got the other disease(falling in love with them instead of abusing liquor). He has been sober for 7 1/2 yrs(1 1/2 after we met). When he first became sober he would tell all these crude jokes, some of them just joking remarks that were actual put downs. For months I would tell him that his jokes aren't funny, some were hurtful and mean. He finally stopped, but with the pretense that I can't take a joke. He still says that too.

Anyhow, dh has just raked our garden into raised beds!! And I am eager to get my hands dirty!! Thanks you for all your replies, I would still love to dig deep into this subject with others and am open to emailing. HAve a wonderufl Mother's Day! We are all part of Mother Earth! Stacey
post #9 of 25
5/12/02 at 6:13pm

My husband and I...

tend to agree about most things, so I find it disconcerting when we find we don't agree about something, almost to the point that it makes me change my view - but not quite. I often end up with a bewildered expression on my face and saying, "I think I must disagree with you about that!" And he would say "That's fine" or something. As for staying up late into the night putting the world to rights, well we are usually both too tired. Sometimes I feel like we are too similar, but that is just a case of the grass being greener on the other side . I did have a boyfriend when I was 18/19 who I used to have quite satisfying arguments with, but I think it was satisfying because it was helping me form my identity. This happened late with me as my parents were quite restrictive.

One downside to having such a good relationship with dh is that I feel I have to force myself to get out into the world. I have been feeling quite lonely lately. I find it hard to meet people like me. I see other mums who I was pregnant with but I feel like I'm "the weird one who still breastfeeds". Being new to this discussion board I'm hoping to make some friends online- but you're all in America!
post #10 of 25
5/12/02 at 9:06pm
Wow, this struck a cord, especially today. He took me and his mom out for brunch today, there aren't any places that have vegan food, so I usually end up ordering a salad or something. ( I ended up not ordering anything because they "couldn't" fix a salad without eggs and other nasty stuff in it. They didn't even have an apple or orange!!)

Anyway, he's sitting next to me eating this gross, smelly pot roast, I'm nursing my water, and I wanted to hurl. It smelled SO bad and it was SO nasty seeing him eat that. It was like watching him eat a big plate of steaming turd!! I kept thinking to myself "self, why am I married to someone who eats that shit and doesn't care about what he is doing to himself?".

I really hope one day it will click in him, I'm 7 years older then him so maybe he has some growing up to do. When I was his age, I didn't care either. But I do care now, and living with a meat eater really grosses me out. We don't have any meat in the house at least...
post #11 of 25
5/13/02 at 1:53pm
stacey, i feel what you mean about the different paths. i believe the path i am creating is due to a new awareness about myself from being a mother.

me and my dh are generally in agreement about how we live our life. he's the one that has done the chicken research. but there would probably be no tvs in my home. and maybe we wouldn't still be using disposable diapers. i value his help, and it comes in a certain form. i wouldn't have this life without him.

we have been together nine years and every year we fight unhealthily half as much as the year before. this has taken effort on both of us, the first two year we fought on a daily basis and put each others stuff on the doorstep often.

a book that helped me tons is called is a parenting book called easy to love, difficult to discipline. it has tremendously enhanced the communication skills in our family. what i read in these posts are either marriages of feeling understanding and harmony or feeling judgment and dismissal. i feel i have traveled from one to another simply by communicating meaningfully. and things are best for me when i surrender and quit fighting that brick wall.

i believe it is more important to respect each other than to agree. and then you can appreciate each other's differences.
post #12 of 25
5/13/02 at 3:29pm
It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who has ever felt like I just am not clicking with my partner. We went through alot of "growing pains" after our 1st child was born. And it continued until well after #2 came along. He just didn't see the value in the things I wanted to do,and it caused us both to go to our individual extremes. We argued alot and agreed to disagree. Eventually,we both came to respect each others' opinions and feelings and we found a middle ground that we are both happy with.(Although I have to admit, he did come around to more of my way of thinking!)
We now have a 3rd child and things have been alot smoother concerning attachment parenting issues etc.
So, for us it took time and lots of discussions(some heated, some not)
post #13 of 25
5/13/02 at 4:31pm
Quote:
Originally posted by deedeequeen
It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who has ever felt like I just am not clicking with my partner.


deedeequeen,

I'm right there with the rest of you. Funny thing is, when we met I was reactionary conservative and he was much more liberal. We have crossed each other moving in the opposite directions, except that I am now more liberal than he ever was, and he's not nearly as conservative as I once was. Guess I'm the more extreme one always, between the two of us (gee, you think?)
post #14 of 25
5/13/02 at 5:16pm
Hello. I thought I'd jump on the band wagon. Not only do we not think alike, I feel like he doesn't think at all! :

We have been married 11 years July and known each other since age 13! I thought since I've known him so long, we'd do great. I thought that at marriage, and to much extent, still do. But lately I've thought much of our problems come from my own actions. I put him first and really tried to "help" him (with self esteem, growing up, *reality thinking*, etc) instead of growing myself and finding my own personality. I have become nasty and negative. I decided I won't live like that any more and that's where the conflict is coming in...after 11years, he's not top dog!

We'd both love to live in the country, but he's Army. We'd love to have chickens for eggs and rabbits for fun, but we live in the city. We'd love to not *discipline* our children as we do, but he blames the Army training...As for differing views, he won't change a cloth diaper...my choice if I want to use them, I have to change it...period! He is not for co sleeping much, but as mentioned above, he misses our son in bed with us (3 yr old) more than I do. He wants him out of our room, but won't fix the other room... and he gave me hell about nursing longer than one year, but I cried pathetically and told him he was NOT going to take the one bond I feel so strongly about!!! That was that!! He relented and we nursed till 2 yrs

As said in another post, I'm not trying to complain, I am deep into working through some of my issues that made me put myself last for the past 11 years. I am in counciling and will continue after my new baby is due. She said I really need to think through WHY I do the things I do...cause of my mother? my dad's alcohol? my own preoccupation with *right* or *wrong*? etc. I ask myself deep questions every day and really have to sit and think. Dh would never do that. I tried the other day to talk about this to him and he said he was tired and fell asleep...Well, Thanks for listening ladies and maybe I'll post again some time... Mcaww
post #15 of 25
5/13/02 at 8:00pm
Thread Starter 
Mcaww,
I, also, do not want to seem like I am complaining. This statement/attitude makes me think about who am I trying to protect/hide from. I so badly do not want to be judged.
A while back, we had other issues that seperated us, and still do(but now I am okay with it). I had the chance to think things thru and I made a decision to stay with dh. I hated giving up a part of me that he had no desire to see. I weighed the good with the bad, and choose to stay.

casina,
I will definitely check out that book, I have heard so much about it. And you're right, I was about to talk to dh about his attitude towards me the other night when I remembered mine. We could both use help in communication. My mom is big on being passive aggressive(she'll say 'it's cold' and expect you to do something about it, rather than, "do you mind if I turn up the heat") I am already seeing this as, I am aware of a communication problem, I am going to read a book about it, I am going to start using better communication and all dh will do is learn from my example, making me the mommy and cheerleader. ''''''sigh'''''
Stacey
post #16 of 25
5/15/02 at 3:27pm

It took the death of our first baby. . . .

It took the death of our first baby to see so many things. . . .

Attachment parenting, eating organic, etc. And it also made us both more politically aware.

We came to learn that my first birth experience was so cruel (I kinda had a hunch, but it took my man a while. . .)

So much opened our eyes. Our baby's life also opened our eyes but from grief we learned much, too. I am lucky my man came with me.
post #17 of 25
5/15/02 at 9:32pm

Re: It took the death of our first baby. . . .

Quote:
Originally posted by tessamami
It took the death of our first baby to see so many things. . . .


{{{hugs}}} so sorry for your loss. It is lovely to have you here with us now.
post #18 of 25
5/16/02 at 10:21am
Thank you Tessamami for reminding me not to take people for granted. If I can look for the good in people and think about how they touch my life in positive ways, I'm sure my life will be more fulfilling. It is so easy sometimes to get caught up in negativity, and when that happens, I feel myself start swirling in a downward spiral pulling everyone else with me.
post #19 of 25
5/16/02 at 1:30pm
I am so glad I saw this post on the post of the week...I usually don't even read it, I just get right on to the boards, but I guess I was supposed to see this one.
I have been wrestling with this situation since before my first child was born. Sometimes I feel guilty because I was a certain person when we met, and as soon as I found out I was pregnant I changed dramatically!! Ever since ds was born I have been reading non-stop and built friendships with women who believe in the things I do. I have felt like everything in our lives(co-sleeping, non-circ, ebf, organic...etc) has been such a struggle. I'm just tired of fighting, explaining, learning for him. I always wonder why doesn't he want to know these things? The part that hurts is that it just doesn't matter to him, if I never bought organic food again he wouldn't care...this is our children's health we're talking about. Shouln't it be important to him?
The changes are hard for me too. I just don't know how much longer I can handle the burden of changing two people's habits.
Not trying to conplain, though it may sound that way...just looking for answers. Thanks for listening!!
post #20 of 25
5/17/02 at 1:53am
Hey! I'm in the same boat. I love my dh passionately, and our differences make for a lively marriage, BUT, I often get frustrated wondering WHY he doesn't care about certain things. I guess I'm just a passionate person, I tend to get angry and outraged easily and "take on " causes. DH isn't like that. He doesn't care about organic food, or toxins in the home (formaldahyde in particle board, etc), or arsenic treated lumber, etc. Which is fine, I can be the family activist What is frustrating but somewhat amusing is that if I tell him something, he thinks I'm crazy, just a nut from California (he's from the midwest, where we now live). But when he hears the same thing from a different source, he believes it!!!! For example, I told him about a book I read that was about toxins in the home...and how to eliminate them with plants.....he shrugged it off. A few weeks later, he brings me an article from the newspaper stating what I told him, and tells me, "Wow, can you believe this? It's what you were talking about. We should get some plants." Ugh. Most of the time our differences don't get in the way, we agree to disagree. But with the upcoming birth of our first child together (I have a ds from a previous relationship), I'm dreading the future. We mostly have the same parenting philosophy, but I know we'll have issues! Like he doesn't understand why I don't want to leave the baby (not even born yet!) overnight w/his parents in September (it'll be approx 3 months old) so we can go to a wedding. Umm.....I don't mind taking the baby to the wedding....I don't have a desire to stay overnight....I'll be breastfeeding so it's not like I can "just leave the baby", and even if I wasn't , I WOULDN'T!!! His parents are great, but we only see them once every two weeks, so it's not like baby will be used to them......anyway, I'm rambling.