anyone else ever feel like their life just got...replaced?

[tangledblue]

Just need to vent a little here. I love & enjoy my toddler, who is by no means a difficult child. DH works reasonable hours and is generally great. I know I am lucky.

But I sometimes feel like the old me just got completely replaced. This is partly because we moved to a new city a couple months before DD's birth. Although we have some friends here, we never really developed a life here before becoming parents. I went from working FT to SAHM. Plus, we are renting a furnished rental, and we used to own a home. Got rid of a lot of stuff when we moved and put the rest in storage. DH doesn't seem to feel this as much as I do, but I still feel like home isn't really home. I don't really feel like myself much anymore...but mostly too busy to think about it.

I wouldn't say I'm unhappy...I'd describe myself as mostly contented...but I just don't remember what it's like to be me, so to speak. The air feels different in this city. It is strange to be here, still. Plus I feel like I am so focused on mothering that I've forgotten what it's like to be me/focus on me, even though I do take "me" time for a couple hours every week. It's like my whole mind has changed somehow. Does that make any sense?

Also, I think my husband fundamentally doesn't get it. He thinks "I work, she works" equating our work in his mind--and he helps out pretty equally at home--but I don't think he gets how absorbed my mind and emotions are by it. Whereas I feel like he gets to go be himself for eight hours a day, even if he has to answer to his bosses. His life is not quite as different. And I'd rather have my "job" than his, but still. I feel so different I barely remember who I am.

[tangledblue]

anyone? Bueller?

[mandms]

Oh i can so relate.. its like you dont remember how to be separte from the JOB of parenting, and even though its enjoyable, and you love your kids with every fibre of your being.. you wonder what life would have been, or even just more simply what it would be like to just forget everything you have spinning around in your head on a daily basis for just an hour?

maybe im projecting here.. but it feels like you are on a stage somedays and cant get off to be the actor/actress who walked in?

i think based on your post this is a result of too many changes in too short a time?
huge hugs and I hope it becomes your more "normal" soon!

[To-Fu]

You described it really well! I feel like this a lot. You're not alone.

[happyhats]

I feel this way too. When did I become so grateful for Spongebob so I can get a few minutes alone? Will will we be able to go to a store again without carts to make sure my toddler doesn't run away? I feel like I'm a mom, a housewife, a wife, but I'm not ME anymore. I think a lot of it is the age of my child (a year and a half), being pregnant, hubby being gone more, etc. I just keep telling myself that I can still find small ways to incorporate "myself" back into my life, and that soon things will be less hectic and my children will (hopefully) be a little less "self absorbed" lol. But it's really hard when reclaiming yourself seems years away.

[Learning_Mum]

OMG yes! For me, and I don't know if this true for everyone else, but I am constantly thinking about the kids. I mean, it's my 'leisure time' right now. The kids are in bed and here I am browing a parenting site! I constantly have my ears tuned in to the kids. Even if I'm doing something else and DS1 is just talking to himself I can't help but listen. After five years of listening I can't turn it off anymore! I find that sooooo draining.

Also, when DH goes to work he thinks about work. He talks to friends. He goes to the toilet in peace. When he comes home he thinks about the kids. I am all about the kids all the time.

I am also alot more serious when the kids are around. When it's just DH and I, I feel more carefree and like my old self but when the kids are around I'm always 'on'.

I do have to say though, with a 5yo and 2yo I am slowly being able to find myself again and have time to be Natalie rather than Mama and it is sooooo good! I think it should only get easier from now on. DS1 has just started schoool and DS2 will start kindy in a year or so and then I will have a couple of hours every day to myself to with what I please (hopefully!)

[First Time Mama]

I can relate. I have just been starting to feel this more lately. DS turns 3 in 2 weeks, and there's another on the way in a few months. I feel like I have kind of lost my identity in motherhood. Like there is not much to me anymore, except being a mom. I love being a mom, and I love my son more than anything and I am grateful that I have been able to be home his whole life, but I am craving a break, some time off, some time for myself, a part of my life that is about me, and not meeting the needs of others. A hobby, or a job, or I don't know, something. But with another on the way, I know I have a couple more intensive mothering years ahead of me. I end up sometimes wishing for my child free days (although at that time I didn't enjoy them and couldn't wait to have a baby), and actually all in all I am a happier person since becoming a mother than I was before. But just the freedom, of doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to. Reading a book, watching a movie, sleeping in. These are all things I very rarely do anymore. We are also living in a city that is temporary. We moved for DH to finish school, and so we are moving again next year, so living somewhere where you know it is temporary is kind of strange. And we leave frequently, about once a month to stay with family in our hometown, and so in a way it never really feels like home here. I don't really know what to do with these feelings or realizations at this point, I know I am going to be staying as a full time sahm for the next year for sure.

[aloha girl]

Originally Posted by tangledblue

Just need to vent a little here. I love & enjoy my toddler, who is by no means a difficult child. DH works reasonable hours and is generally great. I know I am lucky.

But I sometimes feel like the old me just got completely replaced. This is partly because we moved to a new city a couple months before DD's birth. Although we have some friends here, we never really developed a life here before becoming parents. I went from working FT to SAHM. Plus, we are renting a furnished rental, and we used to own a home. Got rid of a lot of stuff when we moved and put the rest in storage. DH doesn't seem to feel this as much as I do, but I still feel like home isn't really home. I don't really feel like myself much anymore...but mostly too busy to think about it.

I wouldn't say I'm unhappy...I'd describe myself as mostly contented...but I just don't remember what it's like to be me, so to speak. The air feels different in this city. It is strange to be here, still. Plus I feel like I am so focused on mothering that I've forgotten what it's like to be me/focus on me, even though I do take "me" time for a couple hours every week. It's like my whole mind has changed somehow. Does that make any sense?

Also, I think my husband fundamentally doesn't get it. He thinks "I work, she works" equating our work in his mind--and he helps out pretty equally at home--but I don't think he gets how absorbed my mind and emotions are by it. Whereas I feel like he gets to go be himself for eight hours a day, even if he has to answer to his bosses. His life is not quite as different. And I'd rather have my "job" than his, but still. I feel so different I barely remember who I am.

Hugs to you!!!! I feel exactly the same way!!! It's gotten better over time, but I still feel like sometimes WHO AM I? what happened to the person who used to be me??? and I love being a Mom too but still...

oh, and my husband also doesn't get it. He claims he gets it, but I really don't think he does. I have tried to explain it to him so many times!!!!

[rightkindofme]

NAK

Yup. Right there.

[JonahRoo]

Oh yes yes yes I totally relate!

I recommend reading this book called "The Way of Transition" by William Bridges. It REALLY helped me put words to what I was feeling and also made me realize that while I moved into a new chapter called "Motherhood" and a new chapter called "living in a new town....again...with no family or friend support..again" that it is important that I bring those things with me that identified me as me like burning incense, meditating, putting on classical music, reading a few pages of a good book before I turn the light off to go to bed, etc. These little things are pieces of me that I have always done many many chapters ago. And when I do these things (sometimes I forget ), I feel so GROUNDED in that moment. Like I feel as though I have come home.

So while you are not who you were and you are still working on who you are becoming, you can still bring pieces of you with you and use them to help create the new you.

[Chamomile Girl]

I too moved to a new town just as I became a new mother. And of course because the move was for DH's university job (and because we live in campus housing) my life is more empty of personal identity than it might otherwise be. I mean all of our neighbors are other professors or students. So when I introduce myself, even on the street I'm "so-and-so's wife." Yuuuuuck. And then they tell me how cute my kid is (which I can't deny ) and I feel invisible.

I want to scream "I have a master's degree! And a teaching credental! And a brain! And my own loves, fears and thoughts!!!" Sigh.

But I found a hobby recently that I enjoy so that helped. It soothes my inner hippie.

[josie143]

Oh yes I totally relate!

[LukesMum]

OH man can I relate....my children are older but Ive felt this way for a long time. It s only gotten more complicated as they need me less and DH travels more and more with his work. We are expats and move often...we are in Europe and have been for 2 yrs. We have no money worries, so what do I have to complain about? Im lonelyand feel beat down with my responsibilities of the house, pets, grocery shopping. Im a massage therpaist and yoga teacher..my friend told me last night she feels I have all these gifts but they are shut inside a box.

[vm9799]

((hugs)) i remember those days very very well......i can tell you that when they get older (and i mean in school all day 'older'), that it does get better. they become much more independent and you have more time to get back to 'you'....although the 'you' that you were before being a parent has often changed quite a bit by this point.

my kids are now 13 and 11, and i have been a SAHM most of their lives.....still am. i can now look back with much perspective on all the 'chaos' of those early years with babies, toddlers, and young elementary school kids and how i just felt lost in the mix. there comes a time when you sort of 'ease' out of that feeling. and even though i still SAH, i never feel like that anymore. i feel like i'm right where i'm supposed to be, enjoying my children when they're home, enjoying my husband/friends/hobbies/life when they're not. maybe it's a natural progression to prepare for the 'empty nest'?? not sure.

my advice is to hang in there. try and branch out and explore your new city and surroundings. make some new friends. as the kids go through each stage of their own lives, you are along for the ride and going through those stages too in your life. many many seasons ahead, so sit back, relax and enjoy each and every one!

[germin8]

Originally Posted by Chamomile Girl

...I feel invisible.

I don't feel this way yet... but, I see how it can become this way.

I like to watch this as a reminder of why I am doing this - SAHM:

The Invisible Woman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YU0aNAHXP0

[LukesMum]

vm 9799 I agree with all you said...my situation is unique but for most, it does get easier as they get oldler and you have more time to rediscover both yourself AND your partner. Hang in there and come here often.xo

[Tway]

There are days (OK, a lot of days) when I walk DD through the park and see people reading, sleeping in the sun, talking with friends, and I think "that used to be me". Or I go to the coffee shop and see people on their computer, or staring out the window, and think "I bet they don't have to go home, make supper, bathe a baby, and hope to get 3 hours' sleep in a row". I see my "old" life everywhere--and it often makes me sad, or at least nostalgic.

I do notice, though, that as DD gets a little older, it's a little easier to leave her with DH or my parents for awhile. And then we truly appreciate a good book, a movie, a night out, even an unhurried shower.

And I try to remind myself of the day I went to the coffee shop and enviously watched these 2 young girls, sitting down for coffee, chatting away. They had no naptimes to figure out, no sippy cup to pick up off the floor for the umpteeth time, no diapers to change. It made me miss my old life, the freedom I didn't even realize I had, until one girl told the other how hard it was dealing with her overwhelming thoughts of suicide.

I hugged my DD a little harder.

[momtoS]

Yes. I see people sitting relaxing, having coffee with a friend. Or sitting on a lawn chair relaxing in the sun. Meanwhile I am chasing my kids, or in a hurry to get home and *try* to catch up with housework. And I am jealous...I am jealous that these people get a break.

I am not the person I was before children. Nope. And I never will be that person again.......

I was a social person, I loved going out. Now....I am almost always overwhelmed, tired, and overworked. When I am exhausted, I don't get to lie down. When I am sick I don't get to rest. When I can't take the whining, or fighting between the girls...I don't get a break.

And if I did get a break for a coffee, the entire time I would be thinking about what I should be doing....

[Juvysen]

I've been going through this, too. Feels like I'm searching for who I am but I don't know where to start.

[PoetryLover]

Originally Posted by JonahRoo

Oh yes yes yes I totally relate!

I recommend reading this book called "The Way of Transition" by William Bridges. It REALLY helped me put words to what I was feeling and also made me realize that while I moved into a new chapter called "Motherhood" and a new chapter called "living in a new town....again...with no family or friend support..again" that it is important that I bring those things with me that identified me as me like burning incense, meditating, putting on classical music, reading a few pages of a good book before I turn the light off to go to bed, etc. These little things are pieces of me that I have always done many many chapters ago. And when I do these things (sometimes I forget ), I feel so GROUNDED in that moment. Like I feel as though I have come home.

So while you are not who you were and you are still working on who you are becoming, you can still bring pieces of you with you and use them to help create the new you.

Excellent advice! Thanks! I find that writing for a couple hours every week or so centers me. Also, journaling helps when I can find the time. Little things help: a cup of tea, a bubble bath with a good book, etc. Also, one thing that really makes me feel like myself is a good walk, even as a family. Nature really brings me back to myself. And I'm a better mother when I tend to myself here and there in small ways. I need to get much better about that, though.