Looking for help. I don't think I want my baby.

[LeyChibb]

I feel horrible posting this but I need help and don't know where to turn. I had a horrible pregnancy. I was homeless with my older child, abused, almost lost the baby, and disowned by EVERY single person in my family. After the birth the father left for another woman. We had been together almost 5 years. He never even saw his son... and now refuses to accept that he is his. I am broken.

I love my baby. There are times where I could just explode with how amazing he is. I just feel like I made a mistake having him. He is miserable all the time. He cries endlessly. I've tried everything I know how to do. He is almost 3 months old and does not smile. It's not that he can't... he just won't.

I have a 5 year old and I never remember feeling like this. I love him more than anything and we are just 2 peas in a pod. We butt heads, but I would cross a pit of fire to make him laugh. I don't feel that way about the baby. Every time I look at him I cry. Not because I am depressed, but becuase he is a carbon copy of his father and looking at him every day and remembering what he did to us kills me.

I am miserable all the time. I am 100% alone trying to raise 2 boys and I am horrible at it. I am crying or screaming all the time. I am on PPD meds and it seems to be doing nothing. I really wonder if the baby isn't better off with someone else, 2 parents who can love and provide for him the way that I can't. I do love him, but it kills me to even look at him. He is miserable and so am I. I just don't know what to do.

I'm crying my eyes out writing this, but I am at the end of my rope. What do I do? How can I get through this all alone? I just feel like I am not strong enough, good enough, smart enough, capeable enough to give these kids what they deserve. I am so lost. Please help.

[2boyzmama]

Mama, you need some help. You need to talk to the dr that is prescribing your PPD meds, perhaps it is the wrong med or the wrong dosage. Perhaps some counseling would be helpful, ask your dr for a recommendation. Are you a member of a church? If not, now would be a great time to find one. They can help you in many ways too. You might want to consider contact the Early Intervention Services in your community (sometimes called Birth to Three or something like that, ask your pediatrician) they often are a great source of assistance, things that you might not have even thought of yet (including things like respite care, parenting classes, and other support services)

Please be gentle with yourself One moment at a time is sometimes good enough.

[carmel23]

Mama, I'll be back with more information later, but I just couldn't read this and not give you a :

[tangledblue]

That newborn stage can be so hard, too , even without all the stuff you are going through. Have you tried talking to any counselors at a nonprofit, social service agency, or women's shelter in your area? Maybe you just need some extra support right now. Do you have any mama friends (or non-mama friends who would be understanding) that you can talk to?

Please come back and let us know how you are doing.

[pbjmama]

Is there a crisis nursery in your area? Almost all metro and suburban areas have a resource like this, you could leave your baby there temporarily and they will help you get help.

[tangledblue]

Also: there's a hotline, (877) PPD-HOPE . Also, I know it's awful when your baby cries all the time and you feel like you can't help him--my baby had colic, or whatever you want to call it, and I felt so horrible. It's normal to feel awful and have trouble with your own emotions. But if you feel really distraught and you need to put him in his crib and walk away for a few minutes, that is fine.

[aramat]

Mama, oh, Mama, you've had such a rough time. GOOD FOR YOU for asking for help. I agree with the previous poster; get the meds checked. Are you doing counseling, too? The meds work much better when combined with counseling. I have a history of up and down depression as well. You're a good mother; you love your baby; you recognize that you need to reach out. Help is out there. When you find the right counselor (there are those that specialize in PPD and mothers' issues), your world is going to open up. Keep hope alive; don't give up; things will be wonderful for you and your little ones down the road if you gently and lovingly take care of yourself!

And your baby is not your ex. And you don't need that ex. We women don't need men; we are strong. This baby is in your life for a reason. This baby chose you. You have your own unique gifts to give as his mother. This baby wants you and accepts you and loves you.

AND, have you ruled out medical causes for baby's crying? Is it colic? I hear probiotics can help with this, as well as possibly treating for silent reflux.

HUGS to you; be gentle with yourself!

[MeepyCat]

You need to talk to the dr that is prescribing your PPD meds, perhaps it is the wrong med or the wrong dosage.

YES THIS!!!!

If you are on medication for depression and feel as you describe yourself feeling, a change in dosage or in drug may be a good idea. You also sound like you may be suffering from some PTSD. Therapy can help. Definitely talk to your doctor.

The baby will get past this phase. Swaddling, and the other tricks from "Happiest Baby on the Block" might help - check your library if you haven't got the book, or the DVD. (The relevant information would probably fit on an index card, go ahead and skim in a bookstore if that's what works.)

Our children deserve so much, and we are what they get - they have to make do with imperfect parents. I promise you, though, no perfect being could love them like we do.

[Peace+Hope]

s to you. i don't have any advice, but as an earlier mama said, please be gentle with yourself. you will find your way, and what is best for your little one.

[Kikelet]

BIG HUGS, MAMA. You will get through this. I am suffering from severe PPD, plus post-traumatic stress from my extremely difficult pregnancy. I had hyperemesis for 8 months and just about lost my mind being so sick all the time.

What you are describing sounds very much like severe PPD. You can get help. Like another poster said, your sweet baby is not your ex, even if he looks like him. I completely understand that he might be a constant reminder of your failed relationship, but you are better off without your ex, even if it feels like you need him.

What's most important is that you get more help as soon as humanly possible. Your baby is not better off without you, trust us when we say this. You are not a bad mama.

I also think you should take your little one to the pediatrician and have him checked for reflux. My baby has bad reflux and getting her on the right medication helped SO much. She is not crying anymore and she is a much happier baby. She was also a very serious baby up until about a week ago; she didn't smile often and I thought it was because I wasn't giving her enough attention or I was too depressed and she was picking up on that. But she was just a serious baby and only since she's turned 5 months has she been smiling and chuckling a bit.

But we are pulling through day by day, and it *is* getting better, and I know it will for you. When PPD is severe, many moms need more than the minimum dose for meds (I am not a medical professional, but I have done a lot of research on PPD) so ask your doc about that.

Please hang in there and know that you will survive this. As long as your baby has you to hold him and love him, he'll be ok, even if you're crying and feeling terrible.

[Mackenzie]

[boobs4milk]

s

i've battled ppd for almost a year and i finally had to go get mainstream meds last week. i was told it could take up to 6 weeks for them to work, but i already have some bright spots.

i've wasted nearly a year of my baby's life loving her but not being able to make a real connection. there is no pain like this. all i can say is if you want that connection keep trying. he is YOUR baby, regardless of who he looks like or who doesn't come see him. he is a part of you, an extension.

more s

[marinak1977]

sending you and your little ones strength and light

[Theia]

OP - I see that you are new to MDC. I'm glad you felt safe enough to share such a sensitive story with us.

Please take some of the suggestions here, and reach out for help in your community and also online. You sound like a good mom.

[tzs]

just the other day my amazing, capable, seemingly "together" friend who i know loves her baby and does a great job with him told me that still at 11 months she still has hard days and has thoughts of just putting him up for adoption (even though i know and she knows she does not truly want this) i guess i'm just telling you this because there are other women out there that have these feelings that love their kids to death.
i hope you've found some resources for support.

[mamadelbosque]

s

[nola79]

Oh, I'm so sorry you're feeling down. I think you've done a great job so far, just in posting this, I'm sure it took courage. BIG HUGS TO YOU!!!! I agree with the pp who suggested talking with your doc right away. I have had those same feelings, and I have a support system. Please find someone to talk to IRL, a professional.

[Maine Mama Doula]

This is so hard to read because ppd is hard. Meds take forever to work and in the meantime, who know what to do. I hope that you can find some support here. I hope that you have friends to talk to or that you can find somebody IRL to talk to. I hope you realize that your baby is not your ex and you CAN be a great mom to both of your children. I've had a short fuse, I've been there, and my baby ended up having something seriously wrong. Trust your intuition mama and don't keep anything bottled up.

[Dena]

I agree, please please get your meds checked.

A screaming baby can make ppd even worse. Please be gentle with yourself.

[october]

One small thing that may or may not make a difference -- look for the features in your baby that remind you of YOU. See yourself in him. Love yourself.

My heart goes out to you. I just can't imagine experiencing all that you've been through. I am so glad for you and your baby that you are doing the best you can.