SIL not dealing well with unplanned pregnancy

[maple_mama]

Looking for some thoughts and advice about my SIL...

She is 37, has been married to my brother for several years and they have an 11 y.o. son. She had a fairly traumatic birth experience with my nephew (labored several hours, then had a quick forceps delivery due to the cord wrapped around his neck, he came out not breathing/dark blue and spent several hours in the nicu.) She's always said she doesn't want anymore kids, has never really said why, but I think this experience had played a part in that decision.

Anyway, she's now pregnant, and is not doing well. She didn't find out until a few weeks ago (she's now about 4.5 months along), and pretty much went hysterical in the doctor's office, to the point that she had to leave through the back door because she was so upset. She says she doesn't want this baby, that she doesn't care is she loses it or it dies. My SIL had a wonderful experience breastfeeding my nephew but says she won't nurse this baby b/c she doesn't want it to become attached to her. She says she won't let my nephew help out with the baby because she doesn't want to burden him. She doesn't want anyone to know--she hasn't even told me (my mom did). She won't even come out and tell my nephew that she's pregnant--when my brother or parents say something about it, she tells him that it's a lie and that she's not. She doesn't want to find out the sex because she doesn't care. She cries all the time about it, how it's not in her 'plan' and that she's embarrassed to be pregnant at the age of 37. She's known now for about 2-3 weeks and is still in denial and is very detached from this pregnancy/baby.

I know her pregnancy hormones and emotions are running high, but is this the normal shock of an unplanned pregnancy and something she'll get over eventually, or something else that could be more serious? She's had some (undiagnosed) emotional issues for several years from what my family has noticed, but has never sought help from what I know. We are from an area of the country where people just bear their problems and deal with them themselves, and think to seek help is a sign of weakness. She has an OB appointment this week, and my mom was thinking about calling ahead that morning to mention it to her doctor to see if she might recommend she get some kind of help.

Any thoughts on this??

[MeepyCat]

It can take a while to adjust to the idea of an unplanned pregnancy, and that adjustment can certainly take many of the forms you describe.

But then there's this one:

She won't even come out and tell my nephew that she's pregnant--when my brother or parents say something about it, she tells him that it's a lie and that she's not.

That's not good, and it's got to be incredibly confusing for your nephew and hard for your whole family.

I don't know that having your mom call ahead will do much - the doctor's office cannot discuss your SIL's care or treatment with anyone without SIL's consent. Some doctors are happy to take information from friends and family, and some won't. In obstetrics, it's particularly tricky, as there are all kinds of family dynamics and abuse concerns. So I wouldn't have your mom call.

I'd have your brother go to the appointment, sit in on the consult with the OB, and identify his concerns with his wife present. He should discuss the issue of what to tell their older son, and his concerns about his wife's emotional health. This way, the doctor doesn't have to pussyfoot around and pretend s/he doesn't have that information, SIL doesn't wind up feeling that people are going behind her back, and your bro can make sure that your SIL actually goes to the appointment.

[lilyka]

honestly, it has been a few weeks. give her some time to adjust. It was weeks before I told anyone about my unplanned preg. including my husband. and I cried and cried and cried. I prayed for a miscarriage (until i started spotting then I begged God to save my baby). I refused to think about or get excited about the baby. my other two had names the day the preg test came back positive. this was several hours old before I had settled on one. Just let her know if she needs anything to let you know. You won't judge her for her feelings.Clearly this is traumatic and hopefully things will get better over the next few months.

[VisionaryMom]

You may try reading up on tokophobia, which is a fear of childbirth. I had a traumatic birth experience with DS, and reading and working through those thoughts helped tremendously when I was pg with dd.

[Pavlovs]

Originally Posted by MeepyCat

I'd have your brother go to the appointment, sit in on the consult with the OB, and identify his concerns with his wife present. He should discuss the issue of what to tell their older son, and his concerns about his wife's emotional health. This way, the doctor doesn't have to pussyfoot around and pretend s/he doesn't have that information, SIL doesn't wind up feeling that people are going behind her back, and your bro can make sure that your SIL actually goes to the appointment.

This sounds like an excellent idea.

[cappuccinosmom]

Could there be someone "feeding" her stuff about why she should be ashamed to be pregnant "at that age"?? It sounds very much like she is super insecure about it. Is there someone in her life who is negative about children in a nasty way? I remember a former pastor weeping and sobbing from the pulpit as she announced her second pregnancy, she was devastated, ashamed and felt guilty for getting pregnant "too soon" after her first and felt that she was failing the church by doing so. I don't know who said what to her that made her think that, but I was horrified that she would view the congregation as having those ideas.

More disturbing is the talk about deliberately not bonding with the baby and not letting her son bond with the baby. But I agree, give it a few weeks. She may veer back towards normal. If she doesn't start heading that direction as the pregnancy progresses, then I'd start to worry.

[lilyka]

You hear it like crazy, that it is irresponsible to get pregnant after 35. You are endangering the baby, it will have down syndrome, you will probably die (and if you have any other kids you would short changing them) that it is selfish and foolish. It makes me mad but its definitely out there.

[AllisonR]

Sounds like a lot of issues are at play here. It has only been a few weeks. Maybe she really felt like her family was "done" and this has now "messed it up." I don't understand the age issue, I think it is normal today; I had my 1st at the ripe old age of 37, and my 2nd at 39. But thats not to say everyone, including your SIL, feels the same about age.

I think I can address the traumatic birth though. I had PTSD after #1, and it was EXTREMELY traumatic, to the point of never wanting children again. Different people cope with PTSD and PPD and PPN in different ways, so yes, it could be affecting her these 11 years later. Some people get no support, or get the "snap out of it, nothing is wrong with you" routine, or they go into denial, or they lie in shame.... And some people empower themselves and fight their way out of it. But even a fighter can have a very hard time with a subsequent pregnancy. You can't empower her, she has to find out how to do that for herself, if she can. But you can gently nudge in that direction. If she had a horrific hospital birth, what would empower her to change that this time? Could you make suggestions, or point her in the direction of a home birth, or still a hospital birth, but with a supportive Dr, a midwife, a doula...? It might even be a planned c-section (yes, I am going to get totally flamed here on MDC, but unless you have REALLY been in someone else's shoes, keep your comments to yourself, because you don't know.)

[bayspumpkin]

I usually only lurk on the boards, but I wanted to reply to this. This can certainly be a reaction to an unplanned pregnancy. I'm currently pregnant with my 4th & he was a huge surprise. I thought I wouldn't care if I miscarried- & I've had a miscarriage in the past & it was devastating. I didn't even bother with a prenatal appointment until I was almost in my 2nd trimester b/c I just KNEW God didn't expect me to raise 4 kids & fully expected a miscarriage. It was not what I had planned. I cried nearly every day for at least 11 weeks. I've contemplated not breastfeeding b/c I've been pregnant or nursing since 2005 & I'm getting tired of sharing my body. I didn't want to be tied to a baby 24/7 b/c of nursing. My DD had only moved out of my bed a few months prior to me getting pregnant. We didn't tell anyone until I was over 20 weeks. I was embarrassed by the whole situation. I can not imagine what it would have been like to not even find out myself until 4.5 months considering how long it took me to adjust to the idea.

I haven't had a really traumatic experience, but my 2nd was a c-section b/c he turned breech in labor. The c-section left me feeling emotionally scarred & when I had my 3rd as a VBAC it was like a healing process for me. I was so happy to end my births with such a positive note. Now, b/c of my 2nd birth, I know anything can happen & it might not go as planned & I am very nervous about having all that closure I felt with my 3rd ruined by another c-section or bad birth now.

I can imagine that what she says sounds awful or unusual, but coming from someone who has kind of BTDT, it doesn't sound quite as bad. If your brother still has concerns, then by all means, he should go with her & discuss his concerns with the Doc. She just may need a little time to wrap her head around it all. She seems to be hit with a double whammy of oh your pregnant AND you actually only have half the time to adjust to this situation.

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by lilyka

You hear it like crazy, that it is irresponsible to get pregnant after 35. You are endangering the baby, it will have down syndrome, you will probably die (and if you have any other kids you would short changing them) that it is selfish and foolish. It makes me mad but its definitely out there.

As a 39-year-old pregnant person it really is crazy. Yes your risks for a few things increase but that's...all. They certainly don't go to 100%. However, I can imagine that not having known about the pregnancy would increase that fear - she probably hasn't been taking folic acid, etc. etc.

OP, I am guessing that your brother is giving this info since your SIL is not talking about it openly with you? That makes it hard to communicate directly. I think the suggestion that the father go to the OB appointment is really wise.

I had a very traumatic delivery with my daughter, who died as a result of it, and I think that could definitely be a part of it. We really, really wanted to get pregnant again. As soon as we did, I flipped out that I was going to have to DELIVER the baby. I pretty much wanted to be knocked out for the process, at the beginning of the pregnancy (my view was an enhanced planned c-section with lots of drugs), and it was only due to excellent care by an ob that I managed a vaginal delivery in the end. I seriously just panicked for a few weeks.

So that could be part of it. I also think that part of it is that it really is a disruption. In my current pregnancy again - I am really joyful about it. And yet, having been through that first 3 years, I am also occasionally finding myself thinking "WHY am I doing this to myself again?" For me it's really fleeting but it's true, at 39 I know my time to like, run off to Thailand is getting more limited and I've thrown a wrench into my capacity to do that. So I get her fear a bit too.

It does seem extreme, though. I read that she won't get help, but I do think therapy would. However, if she won't go, she won't. If you come from a not-asking-for-help area I wonder if it is also a "buck-up-and-make-do" area. Eventually I think your SIL has to engage. I would give her some time and then if she talks about it with you directly I'd just quietly say, "You are such a good mom to your 11 year old, I hope you'll give this baby the same."

I am optimistic it will turn out once she has the baby. If not, I hope your brother's ready to step in and advocate for the baby.

[lilyka]

I just want to say i do not share those fear and concerns. I am about to turn 36 and I still consider it a perfectly valid goal to remarry and have a baby in the next 10 years.....And I wouldn't think anyone my age was "pushing it" or even on the fringe for wanting to have a baby at our age. Silliness. However if the mom has bought into this lie I can see why she is embarrassed.

[texmati]

I hate to admit it but I also have had some weird thoughts surrounding my unplanned pregnancy. Some maybe even as extreme as what you are describing. DS's birth was sucky, and I'm still in denial about having to actually birth this baby. Pregnancy affects everyone differently-- it was never sunshine and kittens for me. I wanted a baby so badly that I cried at every negative test, but I also cried at the positive one. I do have twangs of "isn't this wonderful" but for the most part, I'm a very pissy preggo.

I also think that hormones have a big part to play. A new kiddo is a huge upset, but she's also around the time where hormones start to peak with pregnancy. Prenatal depression is not talked about very much, but it is very real. I got to the point, in my second trimester where I couldn't work, my husband would have to help me get dressed in the morning. After the baby came, even with the crummy birth, I was fine.

Support from my husband and sister were key in helping me through the first weeks (and by weeks, I mean 14 weeks) that it took to help me be ok with this baby. hopefully SIL will come around too.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by lilyka

I just want to say i do not share those fear and concerns. I am about to turn 36 and I still consider it a perfectly valid goal to remarry and have a baby in the next 10 years.....And I wouldn't think anyone my age was "pushing it" or even on the fringe for wanting to have a baby at our age. Silliness. However if the mom has bought into this lie I can see why she is embarrassed.

It sounds like the SIL's worries aren't just about that though -- that was just one small part of all the stuff she mentioned. I don't think 37 is too old to have a baby, but I would be miserable to the point of depression if I discovered I was pregnant, and I might say some really awful-sounding stuff while I was adjusting to the news and mourning my anticipated life as a mother of 2, not 3.

[CatsCradle]

It sounds like the SIL's worries aren't just about that though -- that was just one small part of all the stuff she mentioned. I don't think 37 is too old to have a baby, but I would be miserable to the point of depression if I discovered I was pregnant, and I might say some really awful-sounding stuff while I was adjusting to the news and mourning my anticipated life as a mother of 2, not 3.

I totally understand this. A pregnancy is a life-changing event. I had my DD in my 40s but we had waited and then tried and the pregnancy was welcome. My own mom had a false alarm when she was in her 40s (I had started college and my siblings were in high school). She and my father were incredibly upset. It wasn't her age that she was concerned with so much as the fact that they were not mentally or emotionally prepared for another child. It would have totally turned their lives upside down. For some people, this is not an issue. For others, it is a huge change...especially if you feel like you're done with that phase of your life. It's a normal reaction, in my opinion.

[lilyka]

Originally Posted by limabean

It sounds like the SIL's worries aren't just about that though -- that was just one small part of all the stuff she mentioned. I don't think 37 is too old to have a baby, but I would be miserable to the point of depression if I discovered I was pregnant, and I might say some really awful-sounding stuff while I was adjusting to the news and mourning my anticipated life as a mother of 2, not 3.

O definitely not. This is just one aspect. Like I said I was miserable when I found out i was pregnant with number three. For so many reasons. I cannot imagine if I had actually been done for 11 years! I think the more time this news has to settle in and the more time she has to wrap her head around it will get better. Especially with a loving family to help her out and support her.

[maple_mama]

Thanks everyone for your replies.

I've not talked my SIL or my brother yet about the pregnancy--she doesn't know that I know, and I don't think my brother knows my mom told me either. We're not very close, I mean we talk when we're together visiting, but we just never talk on the phone or anything and really only see each other 3-4 times a year). My brother and SIL live next door to my parents, and I live about 3 hours away from them, so I'm getting all my news second-hand from my mother...

You've given me lots of good info to think about, and I'll run them by my parents so they can maybe better understand what SIL is feeling as well and offer her as much support as she needs.

[AislinCarys]

It's only been a few weeks, and she's dealing with a huge upset to plans, to her life, her child's life, her body!

However, I just wanted to throw out the suggestion that she might be depressed.

I suffered from ante-natal depression with DD, and I see a lot of indications here. Now, I really, really wanted a baby, but felt dis-connected to the baby once I got pregnant, all through the pregnancy. i couldn't imagine IT as my baby, I couldn't imagine loving it, I couldn't make myself talk to the unborn baby. I felt extremely guilty, because I really had wanted this baby, and wanted to do the very best for her or him. Had it happened right now, with DD around, I would have felt sorry for her and wanted to protect her from both the baby and me pregnant.

My counselor mentioned that AND has a few risk factors: to have tried very hard to get pregnant or that it was unplanned, a difficult pregnancy and previous depression.

Not saying your SIL necessarily is depressed, she may just need time to get used to it, but in case she is, just keep an eye on her, maybe talk to her husband, read up on AND and watch for signs.

AND is estimated to be about as prevalent as PND, and un-treated AND turns into PND in about 50% of cases or more. AND is frequently un-diagnosed, and rarely talked about, so many, many, pregnant women suffer in silence.