How important is a midwife's personality?

[camprunner]

We are not yet pregnant but I have interviewed two midwives this month because we are working on #3. DH wants to pick a midwife based on the waiting room and low traffic near her office We pretty much live an equal distance from both (about an hour). Both midwives are obviously very capable and come with high recommendations based on what I've read online.

Midwife A
-Has not been practicing as long
-Appears to have fewer clients due to being in fairly close proximity to other midwives (which are not also close to me)
-Says she has experience delivering breech and feels comfortable with a breech homebirth.
-Has not responded when I contacted her for a well woman visit and did not respond to a question I e-mailed her after the interview.
-Seems more medically oriented.
-But during the interview, I felt like I connected with her better.
-(Much more expensive)
-DH was nervous about me having to walk up a steep set of stairs to her office when very pregnant.

Midwife B
-Has been practicing for a LOOONG time.
-Admitted to being busy due to being the only midwife that practices within a a large radius.
-Does not feel comfortable delivering breech at home though she does have experience due to statistics of breech birth.
-Called me back within an hour of my call to set up an interview.
-Seems less medically orientated and tries herbs and homeopathics before meds even in the event of a hemmorage. (this I liked; DH didn't)
-I totally did not connect with her even though she is obviously someone who probably would normally fit my criteria of the better midwife.
-(Much less expensive)
-Dh and the kids preferred the toys in her waiting room
-Low traffic area that I could drive myself to easily (I'm a nervous driver)

In this case, do you still go with the one that you connected with best?

[momasana]

I think it is important to go with a midwife that you feel comfortable with - personality wise, experience, philosophy, etc.

I have hired two different midwives, one for DS's birth, and one for my upcoming birth (we moved out-of-state in between, otherwise I would have stayed with the original MW). During the interview process both times I just knew who I wanted to go with. DH and I made lists similar to yours and while there were some close ties as far as the best choice, there was no question in my mind who I wanted to attend my births.

You mentioned that MW A did not respond to two of your requests. This is a huge deal for me. Will she ignore future questions or not respond to your calls while in labor?

Are there any other MW in your area to interview?

[foodmachine]

Connection is crucial. You can discuss prices, herbs and other stuff.

[ShwarmaQueen]

I don't know, personally, I didn't need the connection as much as I needed someone who truely believed in VBAC and the natural birth process. My midwife went the distance to help me deliver vaginally, and I'm forever indebted to her for her knowledge and skill, but we are totally different people in real life and probably wouldn't have connected otherwise.

[ARG2003]

My midwife practice has 2 midwives. When I first called, I spoke with "D." She didn't seem overly friendly or welcoming. However, when I met her in person, she was just a very mellow person. She is very well seasoned and her birthing philosophy meshes with mine.

Her partner, "B" is more outspoken, more friendly, and generally easier to read. They are both very well seasoned, etc.

At first I didn't think I would mesh with D because I am a friendly person and I wanted her to be friendly with me, etc. However, I was reminded of my birth with DS. We used an OB practice/hospital. The doctor I was seeing was actually a strong acquaintance of mine. We were friendly professionally and going to her appointments were always chatty and girly. However, when it came time for my delivery that OB had to have her tonsils out and I saw another doctor in the practice who is known for being stoic and hard to connect with. I was worried, but once I started in labor heavy, I found his demeanor to be very calming. He was straight forward, soothing, and took care of business in a quiet way that I loved. He actually labored with me for many hours. He held my hand, he looked in my eyes, and he unceremoniously booted a nurse out of the delivery room that I didn't like. In retrospect, I think if I had the doctor that was friendly, I would not have had the same experience and am secretly glad she needed her tonsils removed.

So what's my point? Hmmm. Maybe to get to know them a little bit, but also don't go just by how you feel now, but maybe which personality you will mesh better with during labor.

For me, your Midwife A would bother me since she hasn't responded to you. That is a big deal to me. Also, breech is not likely to be an issue- not that many babies are actually breech at delivery time. Maybe when you actually get pregnant, a good idea is to meet with them again and see how it goes.

Good luck!

[rad]

Personality is big for me. If I can't connect to them, I know I probably won't want them anywhere around me while I'm laboring. Plus, it just makes my pg visits stressful and unpleasant. I don't expect us to be close friends or anything but I do want to be able to talk to her comfortably.

I also found out the hard way that I just can't handle a more medically minded midwife. I went to a CNM at the beginning of this pg since she was covered by insurance and I was miserable. Everything she said put me on edge and set off warning bells that I probably wasn't going to like her more ridgid rules when it came to the birth. So I went back to the CPM from my previous pg, who's much more naturally minded and hands off.

[thtr4me]

I interviewd 2 midwife groups in person. I really connected with one of the 2 midwives from Group A, but she was due about the same time I am, and it was unlikely she would be available for the birth. That group was less expensive, but their office was much further away. When I interviewed Group B, I was very comfortable, but did not have that instant connection. But she had much more experience, seemed like someone who would fight for you in the event of a transfer, was much closer, but a little more expensive. We ended up going with Group B. I am comfortable with the midwife from Group B, but if she had not been pregnant, would have gone with the midwife I really connected with from Group A.

[limette]

In my experience (6 different midwives) personality is crucial and will make or break your labor.

[lunarlady]

I would say that personallity is important, but that sometimes it takes more than one meeting to really get to know somebody. After my emergancy transfer, I would go with the more experienced MW. You might want to ask a few more questions regarding more common birthing issues (other than breech), like shoulder dissocia, low heart rate, hemmorage, retained placenta, and their rates of hospital transfer during hard labor. (This can help you see how well they support women with pain management.)

It is a difficult decision, but in the end I would say go with your heart, as the support of your MW will make or break your birthing experience.

[homemademom]

Oooh, that's tough. I lean toward the first BUT her not responding to you bothers me. Perhaps you can find out what happened there and see if her responses are reasonable to you. Also, I would find out what "medically oriented" means in her practice. Is she quick to suggest interventions? What is her transfer rate?

For me, I've had 4 different midwives and I would go with the one you connected with. Of course, like someone else mentioned, "connecting" might take more than a phone call or a visit. Spend some time getting to know them (and talk to people who've delivered with them).

Incidentally, the two mws I chose because of experience and the fact that they were "nice" though I didn't feel connected to them did things during my labors without my consent, both thinking they knew what was "best" for me. I somehow wonder if it's because they did have so many years of experiences (25+ years) that made them feel they knew better. If I'd wanted a paternalistic attitude (or in this case, maternalistic), I would have chosen an OB!

[MegBoz]

Originally Posted by momasana

I think it is important to go with a midwife that you feel comfortable with - personality wise, experience, philosophy, etc.

<snip>

You mentioned that MW A did not respond to two of your requests. This is a huge deal for me.

ITA
it kinda sounds like, from a practice standpoint, you actually prefer MW B.

I've seen people post before that the MW doesn't necessarily have to be someone who would be your friend otherwise.

I personally felt most "comfortable" with someone who practiced the way I wanted her to. She also had a great "energy" - she had a passion for midwifery & was excited about it & eager to share knowledge. That appealed to me as well & made her more reassuring of a presence than the more stoic MW A I met with. (She provides binders to her client & strikes me as more on top of the latest research.) Although I'm lucky that I also DID connect best with her.

Now, if you DISLIKED MW B, that would be a big deal & not something to ignore, but if you just didn't connect as well - maybe the connection would grow over time. Still, I'd weigh how she practices most heavily.

[Sunflower223]

I was in a similar situation and went with the midwife that I connected better with. Fortunately for me she was cheaper, comes to house for visits, and has pretty much the same beliefs as me when it comes to the birth. My first instinct is to say go with the personality you like best, but you need to be comfortable with the mw's ideals as well. These two seem to have very different ideas of how to handle birth. You may want to ask some more questions from each before you make the decision.

[camprunner]

Thanks for so many responses. I really appreciate them.

You mentioned that MW A did not respond to two of your requests. This is a huge deal for me. Will she ignore future questions or not respond to your calls while in labor?

This is definitely a concern of mine. I have a hard time believing that she would get such great reviews from everyone if she was hard to reach though. I'm wondering if her clients have a number that is not on her web site and the same for e-mail.

Are there any other MW in your area to interview?

There is one more that I know of. However, I met her at an appointment with my last baby and while I've read many birth stories where she saved the day, I felt she was pretty uptight and since I am too...I'm not sure how that would work. I do enough worrying or everyone. If she showed up for my birth as a back up for one of the others, I'd be fine and feel like I was in great hands.

You might want to ask a few more questions regarding more common birthing issues (other than breech), like shoulder dissocia, low heart rate, hemmorage, retained placenta, and their rates of hospital transfer during hard labor. (This can help you see how well they support women with pain management.)

Oh definitely. There weren't any big differences in their answers to these questions. Both have had one transfer in the last year, neither an emergency (mom's were tired and wanted epis). Both have worked as hosital CNM's and have seen it all within the hospital and have always transferred in time in the past with the exception of one baby that didn't make a 40 min. transport to the hospital when they were transporting for not progressing AT ALL after 18 hours (I'm guessing this was sometime in the last 3 years). One is more herbal with hemorrhage one uses drugs right of. Midwife B has a larger variety for pain management. Honestly, last time, I didn't realize I had any choices but water.

Incidentally, the two mws I chose because of experience and the fact that they were "nice" though I didn't feel connected to them did things during my labors without my consent, both thinking they knew what was "best" for me. I somehow wonder if it's because they did have so many years of experiences (25+ years) that made them feel they knew better. If I'd wanted a paternalistic attitude (or in this case, maternalistic), I would have chosen an OB!

Both midwives admit that Midwife B is much more laid back even though I didn't feel that at the interviews. Maybe she wasn't having a good day? Her policies are also more laid back. She said she suggests things and if I don't agree, then she goes with it. Midwife A, answered my questions with definite things that would be done.

I also found out the hard way that I just can't handle a more medically minded midwife.

I decided that Midwife A was more medically minded after speaking with her. It certainly wasn't something she said about herself.

In my mind, I think that Midwife B is the better choice. I did enjoy talking with Midwife A more and she was more compassionate about some things that went wrong (not terribly wrong, just not some things that frustrated me) at my last birth which I think is why I felt better with her. I went in with 3 pages of questions (as I did with Midwife A) and informed Midwife B that I'd read a lot about her (mostly good things; one thing that seemed negative (a quote from her) I asked about and it turned out it wasn't what I thought LOL) when I googled her name. Maybe I made her a little nervous?

[Monarchgrrl]

For me it's not so much about personality. Granted, I haven't given birth yet, so take this for what it's worth. What matters most to me is how medically minded or hands-off they are. I'm not hiring her to be my friend. I wanted someone who has the knowledge of what to do if there is a problem and knows what to look for while mostly leaving me alone and doesn't "require" anything, including VE's. I made sure to pick someone that believes the same way about birth that I do. I can say no to anything she recommends and it's fine with her. We hired a team of two partners. They each come to our house every 3 weeks, so we meet with each one every six weeks. They both come to the birth. DW and I both like both of them, but she likes one more and I like the other one more, but unless they were outright rude or pushy or mean, their personality doesn't matter too much to me. My doula is going to be my hand-holder and support and I made sure that we really connected.

[donutmolly]

I think it depends on your preferences -- is the mw's birth philosophy/policies more essential to you or the personal connection you have with your mw? It's a tough one, and obviously the besct scenario would be to have both in one mw!

From my personal experience, I had an amazing mw who I totally connected with for my first birth. She was not what I was expecting in a mw, instead she felt like a cool older sister. I felt totally comfortable with her for my birth because I adored her, and she was really wonderful during my postpartum care.

My last 2 births were with a different mw (we moved) and while she is everything I could wish for in terms of agreeing on birth philosophy, hands off, experienced, etc... she is not very personable. Even though I've gone through 2 pregnancies with her, I still don't feel any sort of connection. But, I'm fine with that when it comes to giving birth because I trust her abilities, and I personally don't need that warm, cozy feeling of a beloved support person to have a great birth. But, I know for some of her other clients, it has been a deal breaker because her, for lack of a better word, coldness, really affected their ability to birth.

So, I think it depends on what you deem to be the most important for you! (Although, my kids liking the toys at the mw's would be a real plus!)

[proudmomof4]

Hmmm, that's a tricky one.

Maybe your priorities will change once you're pregnant, so it might be a good idea to listen to your heart again then. Depending on how you're feeling then, seemingly "profane" things like traffic or toys in the office might make a big difference for you. Still, I feel a birth is much easier when you connect with your midwife.

FTR: I had 4 homebirths with 3 different midwives (due to moving / 2 children in Germany, 2 in the U. S.). I was most comfortable with my midwife for my 2 youngest children concerning prenatals, labor, and birth. However, the postnatal care of my midwives in Germany was better (more regular and thus more supportive).

[russsk]

When I interviewed HB midwives, I basically narrowed it down to three. When I realized that the only reason I was truly considering the third one was because insurance would cover her, I decided against her because her office atmosphere made me very uncomfortable (though I think she's a wonderful mw). I was very torn between the other two - A was warm and easy to talk to. She takes fewer clients than B and prenatals could easily last an hour. She was very responsive to my calls and emails, and was fantastic with my son. She was more expensive than A, however, and an hour away. B seemed a little cooler, more distant and business-like. Prenatals were shorter (though not rushed). She was cheaper, however, and much more convenient. I ultimately chose B, though I agonized that I was choosing her for the wrong reasons. I'm 41 weeks now, and I could not be happier with her. She is actually a wonderful, warm person and her staff are all fantastic. At my prenatal yesterday she was disappointed that I didn't bring my toddler, because she had set aside a toy of her granddaughter's that he has loved at previous visits, for him to take home. She's wonderful and patient with him and he loves going to see her. I'm completely at ease around her and actually really appreciate her business-like demeanor, because I know that she takes her business seriously and wants to make sure I get good service.

I guess the point of that novel is that personality may be important, but first impressions may not tell the whole story.

[Kimrose]

Ah - this was interesting b/c it made me think of my own recent experience interviewing our midwives...they work as a "group" - but one would be the "primary"/assigned to my care during labor, etc. and of course oversee everything. I had connected w/one - who happens to be the most experienced as well and found her SUPER supportive and helpful w/information when she didn't even have to be - recommending VBAC friendly docs, hospitals if I decided to go that route instead - and she ALWAYS responded quickly. That would also be SUPER important to me. That said, we met with the three - liked them all, but there was one that in "real life" I might even "connect" w/more on a personal level - interests, etc...yet still, in my gut - I felt more secure and comfortable in the hands of the midwife I'd connected w/first. Something about her strong belief in us and our ability and the simple confidence I had in her ability to handle things. There was just an intangible that decided it - it almost wasn't a choice, but acknowledging what I already felt inside. I simply felt more "secure" in her care. I have to say, I DID like and connect w/them all though and absolutely the not getting back to you right away would bother me. Try to just sit with and tune into your feelings and maybe the decisions already made...Good Luck!

[ashleybrook]

for me, i've met lots of great midwives, but not many i want at my birth. i'm very opinionated in what i want, have my own experience to bring to the table and so, i wanted someone who would support me in this the most....and that turned out to be a midwife who has the most similar professional views/values. i do have confidence that she can help me in case of emergency, and do think we could be friends because of our personalities together, but mostly it's that she won't get in the way of me doing what i need. won't take the lead unless i ask for help, because i truly want my body to lead.

i say sit with it a bit more, think of who you'd want most at your birth by maybe thinking of the role of support you think you'll need the most...and if you can't tell yet, you can always request another meeting with each to get more of a feel.

btw, the lack of return calls would bother me. even if she's a busy woman i'd want to know that even as a potential client she responds right away...not just when you're 38 weeks. i'm only 15 weeks pregnant at the moment, and have called our midwife a few times, and really appreciated an immediate call back, even if it's to say i'm with someone, will call you as soon as i'm finished! i would definitely discuss this with her if you feel like you might want to take her.

good luck! hope you're expecting soon!
ashley

[waitingmama]

Maybe you should prioritize the traits that are important to you. If A is difficult to get an answer out of, is that going to drive you crazy throughout care or can you handle it? Are you a person who doesn't want to have their apt. bumped a bunch? Busy midwife B might end up doing that. Everyone is different in what they can handle, esp. while they are pregnant!

I agree with the posters who say it can take a while to know how at ease you can be around someone. My first midwife was bubbly from the first time we spoke, my second midwife was rather shy and it took some time for her to warm up. In the end my second midwife was better for me to be around in labor even though we didn't click at first.

Personally, I'd say go with the more skilled midwife as long as she doesn't make you feel uncomfortable in any way. You can't have everything in a person, and sometimes the odd ones are ultimately the best care providers. Good luck!