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Epic Fail...warning pity party vent. support, cake only please. - Page 2

post #21 of 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dingletwitz View Post
OP, he sounds like he's perpetuating the things from your marriage that continue to be triggers for you.....But the reality is, single parenting life is very different!

If we're into confessions here, then here goes--
Dd never has her hair brushed. It's washed a couple times a week and combed out then, but she's not digging the hairbrush at present. Do the teachers judge her at school? Maybe. Do I care? Not really. What was for dinner tonight? Cookies, lunch meat, avocados, leftover soup, lettuce and rice cakes. Well-balanced, home-made graze food. It took about 5 minutes to get in the graze bowls. My idea of ideal? Nope. Everyone happy and nutritioned? Yep. Clean house? Nope. Do I care? Nope. It's 9:30 and dd is still in her fairy princess fort and happy. Good bedtime? Nope. Everyone happy? Yep. Will tomorrow a.m. suck? nope. Why? Banana in the car, no hairbrush. Kid up and gone in 10 minutes. Ideal? no. Passable? yep. Happy? yep. As soon as I was able to make my own standards (I CAN do it, I CHOOSE not to sometimes) and could use my middle finger to my own hard-wired perfectionism, I found happy. You can too. When others judge me (and I know they do) I think, hmmmm, do I want to have a hard life? That's what they offer with their perfect ways. No way, Jose. We get er done and have fun. Way better.

If your dd wants to be in sports, it's cool to let her off the hook now and again for the morning events. She's a great help to you getting the others ready the rest of the days, but she probably needs to feel like a kid sometimes too. You might owe her a morning off, no? If she's talking about quitting, it might be to save the family the hassle of the loss of her care--that's pretty heavy for a teen. (coming from someone who gave up a lot to be the second-mom at home ---and resented her own mom for it)


This is exactly how things are run here too. DS doesn't wants to wear PJs to daycare? ok. will i be judged? probably. Why don't I care? because I don't want a morning fight, especially on days that his dad picks him up for the night. His last thoughts of me shouldn't be screaming panicky mom...it should be happy loving mommy.

Once I found my middle finger (figuratively of course), things started clicking into place.
post #22 of 33
Thread Starter 
Oh good heavens. He sent me an email about this thread. seriously. I can't even come to MDC to whine anymore. Muh. if he doesn't want to read the things I write he should find a better hobby. he called me a liar. I swear this is all true.

I am going to let her drop out of cross country by the way. It has been three weeks. She more than upheld her end of the bargain. She gave it a try and she still hates it. Her coach won't let her run in meets because of allergy triggered asthma (we don't treat it because it hasn't been a problem since we got rid of carpet. ) And her friend, the reason she was interested in cross country, dropped out because it is making her hate running. so now she doesn't even have her buddy to run with. screw this. I want her to like being active. tomorrow is my day off. I am going to call around about a family class for Tae kwon do. she loved that and we could all use some exercise. and since it is family classes we will all be together. good stuff.
post #23 of 33
Very creepy, about the ex spying. He's got a lot to learn if he thinks you're not entitled to have a support group and to vent any way you see fit! You don't need to run your words by him for approval first, if that's what he thinks. Lame. More controlling behavior and yeah, too much time on his hands.

And yes, your daughter tried the sport, didn't enjoy it and it's eating up a lot of your precious little bit of free time. I loved drama when I was in school, and once signed my son up for a drama class, but his experience there wasn't good, he wasn't enjoying it, so I pulled him out because I knew he'd associate that with a bad experience if he stayed any longer. And just because I love it doesn't mean he has to, anyway.

And yeah, the sports thing - if one isn't totally into it, it's a pain and I don't understand the vast number of practices parents are willing to clog up their lives with. When exactly do they spend time as a family? When do the kids have, you know... free time? There is one sport my child has grown passionate about but it's one short season a year, not year-round, and it's not every day or anything. And he's in it because he likes it, not because he's forced to. My ex has tried to make him sign up for other stuff like that just to keep him "busy" but the fact is, he doesn't get to decide that all by himself as it affects MY time with my child (and I'm the one supposed to bring him), so: No thanks, I'll decide how we're spending OUR time. And your ex lost the chance to dictate your schedule when he left.

So there you have it. And your ex doesn't get to dictate what you do with your free time with the kids.
post #24 of 33
Thread Starter 
(since my xh is reading this I should point out that I threw him out. after he told me he had been having sex with another woman for years. But I threw him out. That seems important to him.)

I just told my dd. She is very happy but is scared her dad is going to be angry with her. I told her not to worry about it. I told her I would take the anger. I am used to it.
post #25 of 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyka View Post
Oh good heavens. He sent me an email about this thread. seriously. I can't even come to MDC to whine anymore. Muh. if he doesn't want to read the things I write he should find a better hobby. he called me a liar. I swear this is all true.

I am going to let her drop out of cross country by the way. It has been three weeks. She more than upheld her end of the bargain. She gave it a try and she still hates it. Her coach won't let her run in meets because of allergy triggered asthma (we don't treat it because it hasn't been a problem since we got rid of carpet. ) And her friend, the reason she was interested in cross country, dropped out because it is making her hate running. so now she doesn't even have her buddy to run with. screw this. I want her to like being active. tomorrow is my day off. I am going to call around about a family class for Tae kwon do. she loved that and we could all use some exercise. and since it is family classes we will all be together. good stuff.
Well since he is reading here, I hope he sees this. I hope he gets a life. His own life. He left his family. When you leave --you LOSE rights. You lose the right to express your opinion about your former partner's decisions, what happens in the home, what she does to make her schedule and 24/7 solo parenting situation work. The kids know he left. Trying to force his will on an older child who probably has her own resentments of the situation he has now placed the family in, will only backfire on him in the future.
post #26 of 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyka View Post
(since my xh is reading this I should point out that I threw him out. after he told me he had been having sex with another woman for years. But I threw him out. That seems important to him.)

I just told my dd. She is very happy but is scared her dad is going to be angry with her. I told her not to worry about it. I told her I would take the anger. I am used to it.
I am just laughing in disbelief. What a dream world he is living in. Did he really think there would be no consequences for what he was doing? And he still thinks he is the aggrieved party here??????? Yikes. His idea of what is important in life is misplaced in all sorts of ways, isn't it?! I know grooves that are worn for years are hard to undo, but I don't know why you give any thought or consideration to his feelings on anything at this point. Don't trouble yourself another minute. Just build a wonderful happy home for yourself and your kids.
post #27 of 33
Yup - leaving and then still trying to control the family you left behind is called "having your cake and eating it too". It doesn't work that way.

My ex too was very concerned on whose "fault" it was that marriage technically ended. Sure, he was abusive and drank and God knows what else, but I am the one who make him leave and I am the one who filed for divorce, so in spite of his awful behavior, he takes great comfort in thinking that it's my fault. I think this is a common coping mechanism for people who feel guilty about making huge mistakes in their lives. And control freaks resent it when you take the control away from them.
post #28 of 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by MissLotus View Post
Yup - leaving and then still trying to control the family you left behind is called "having your cake and eating it too". It doesn't work that way.

My ex too was very concerned on whose "fault" it was that marriage technically ended. Sure, he was abusive and drank and God knows what else, but I am the one who make him leave and I am the one who filed for divorce, so in spite of his awful behavior, he takes great comfort in thinking that it's my fault. I think this is a common coping mechanism for people who feel guilty about making huge mistakes in their lives. And control freaks resent it when you take the control away from them.
Exactly this. I am the one at fault as per my ex's mindset because I left him. But it's not like I made such a big decision on a whim. He had gone back to using drugs on occasions, drank at least a 6 pack a night, criticized everything I did, helped not one bit with the home and kids, would get drunkenly upset if we interrupted his "relaxation time" after work (read: played video games for 2.5 hours while drinking)....nevermind I was working, going to school, taking care of the kids, trying to clean and cook when I could and never got "relaxation time" after a 7:30-4:30 job behind a desk with an hour lunch break. Oh, and I found out after I left him that he had cheated on me during our marriage. BUT it's somehow all my fault because I left with the kids. Yeah, I don't think so.

He moved a gf in after a year of separation after dating for about 4 months. She's nice and all, but I was really upset, since he was the one that went on and on about not introducing our kids to new partners.


lilyka, you do as your family needs. Don't worry about an overly snoopy ex.
post #29 of 33
Thread Starter 
I think for a lot of men, if they are having an affair or whatever, they try to make their wives miserable so they will leave before he has to be the bad guy. Also, if she throws him out not only does he look like the poor little victim, he never has to admit to his issues. If my husband had gotten me to leave before he admitted the affair he never would have. He almost made it too. But I am stubborn.

And earlier in the thread someone mentioned my oldest dds bedtime. She goes "to bed" at 8:30 but she has her own floor of the house and I don't know what she does up there. its her world. She just has to be up there and quiet enough so that no one complains (she is over the neighbors house) She reads a lot, finishes up homework, etc. So long as she gets up without whining in the morning I don't care how long she stays up within reason. Also she does not have to do much with her sisters in the morning. They are dressed and eating before I leave. She does their hair but only because she is so good at it and loves the way her little sisters think she is some sort of style goddess They have comb and go hair and are capable of doing it themselves. All she has to do is make sure they get out the door in time. Which is pretty easy because My neighbor sends her son out and her son comes and picks up the girls and they all walk together. So its not like she is shoulder a huge amount of responsibility. She is just *here* and thats whats important.
post #30 of 33
Quote:
Originally Posted by PretzelMama View Post
That's ridiculous. There are only so many hours in a day, and as a single mother you don't have many to spare. Don't feel one bit guilty about not wanting to do this!
absolutely. i'm a single sahm to 3 and I don't like scheduling activities for evening hours. I feel like you do in that there's not enough hours after school to really get anything done other than a healthy homecooked meal and baths and homework and bed. Yeah I stay at home, and I'm so blessed to do that and it affords me lots more time to get my "chores" done during hte daytime hours but our only family hours are the 4 hours between the big girls coming home from school and bed for the 2 year old. And that includes the big stuff: dinner, baths, homework. How do you fit in activities that take up an hour in the evenings plus drive time? And let's be honest, I have 3 kids. To be fair that would be 3 activities 3 days per week, minimum. Not gonna happen. And they see their dad 3 days per week. that would leave us one day per week without a place to be and that's too much scheduling for us. I don't see the need to get all these activities in place.
post #31 of 33
Thread Starter 
not to mention while child A is in an activities that could leave you in the lobby wasting time for an an hour with two other bored kids.
post #32 of 33
This is a good cake party! My strongest advice, as a nutrition nerd, is to start taking a b-stress complex vitamin, D3, and magnesium citrate and to eat more meat. Even crappy meat has more amino acids than a veg diet. When I was a vegetarian I couldn't get near as much done as now, on a high fat, high protein traditional foods diet.

Even the conservative parenting experts like John Rosemond agree that high - attendance extracurriculars are over-rated. Kids need time to goof around and be kids!
post #33 of 33
Thread Starter 
Today was a good day. On the Saturdays I have the girls I get off work at 1:00 instead of 4:00. And I left. promptly. Even though it could quite possibly be one of our busiest days EVER. no kidding. Ava was at a birthday party, when I got home I threw a roast in the crock pot and headed out to pick up the girl. Swung back home and picked up the other two and we went to see Ramona and Beezus (I bawled my eyes out. Some of the stress hit a little too close to home). After they snarfed down supper they played outside. Together. with the neighbor girl and her family and new puppy. Until way ofter dark. They came in cold and dirty. True hallmarks of good playtime this time of year. Now the two little ones are snuggled up in bed together and the older one is reading to the younger one. I was glad we could spend the day playing as a family and weren't distracted by meets and competition that separate the family.
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