hi,
during my long illness i've been reasearching a lot of different healing modalities that i can apply to my situation. i'm not content to use drugs as my only solution as they didn't seem to solve the problems. i just know there must be something more out there. i keep looking, things keep coming up and things are getting better and better. so, it's like you could say with any natural remedy, perhaps you just healed or perhaps it helped heal you. i personally think the latter because change has coincided with the action taken.
anyway, the lastest thing i'm onto is shamanic soul retrieval. for a lot of women having a baby is traumatic, not just the pregnancy, the birth and after, but the idea of being a mom, changing your life, your life with your husband and it also brings to mind your own childhood and how you were parented, etc etc.
i think for me there were issues that i'd built up about being a mom and pregnancy and birth, and i tried to deal with all of these thigns before i got pregnant, before the baby was born, but i didn't know where all my issues lied. i now believe that some of my torment has been related to my very early childhood and some trauma that i don't even remember. in addition to some other aspects of my childhood that were hard on me. and, heck, maybe even stuff from a past life. that's a lot of baggage to carry into motherhood.
in soul retrieval, the shaman goes into the nonpysical world and looks for peices of your soul that split off from you at times of trauma in your life. if you were a small child, the trauma could have been something that as an adult you could understand, but couldn't cope with as a child, so that childish aspect of yourself left you. and when it was gone, it left a space in your being. you may have missed this aspect of yourself your whole life.
i don't know if or what this aspect of myself may be. but i feel, and have felt, that i am not a whole person, but i cannot remember ever having felt whole. while reading about soul retrieval, i'm reading about other people's traumas and these experiences bring me to tears, and i fear that my personal abuse may have been along these lines and i just don't want to suffer, but i also want to be whole.
Joe deserves a whole person as his mom, not the fragmented, depressed, washed out person i've been living my life as. this was a prayer i'd made when i invited Joe into my life - to be a whole and present part of his life, to be there for him, healthy and everything i can be. i'm glad in on sense that i am making this journey back to myself, but in another sense it's been so arduous if i'd known before hand how hard it would be, i don't know if i'd have had the strength to make it. but it's been so gradual that i've been able to be here as much as i am here and be a mom to Joe at the same time.
i hope whatever it is that's keeping me from being whole will help mend my intamacy issues with my hubby.
perhaps for some ppd is a rend in your soul that happens when your child is born, and it's up to you to put the pieces back together, including finding the missing ones.
if i can i'll let you know what the results of the soul retrieval are. i'm just beginning on this journey. perhaps i shouldn't even bother mentioning it before i've completed it...
blessings,
Lori
during my long illness i've been reasearching a lot of different healing modalities that i can apply to my situation. i'm not content to use drugs as my only solution as they didn't seem to solve the problems. i just know there must be something more out there. i keep looking, things keep coming up and things are getting better and better. so, it's like you could say with any natural remedy, perhaps you just healed or perhaps it helped heal you. i personally think the latter because change has coincided with the action taken.
anyway, the lastest thing i'm onto is shamanic soul retrieval. for a lot of women having a baby is traumatic, not just the pregnancy, the birth and after, but the idea of being a mom, changing your life, your life with your husband and it also brings to mind your own childhood and how you were parented, etc etc.
i think for me there were issues that i'd built up about being a mom and pregnancy and birth, and i tried to deal with all of these thigns before i got pregnant, before the baby was born, but i didn't know where all my issues lied. i now believe that some of my torment has been related to my very early childhood and some trauma that i don't even remember. in addition to some other aspects of my childhood that were hard on me. and, heck, maybe even stuff from a past life. that's a lot of baggage to carry into motherhood.
in soul retrieval, the shaman goes into the nonpysical world and looks for peices of your soul that split off from you at times of trauma in your life. if you were a small child, the trauma could have been something that as an adult you could understand, but couldn't cope with as a child, so that childish aspect of yourself left you. and when it was gone, it left a space in your being. you may have missed this aspect of yourself your whole life.
i don't know if or what this aspect of myself may be. but i feel, and have felt, that i am not a whole person, but i cannot remember ever having felt whole. while reading about soul retrieval, i'm reading about other people's traumas and these experiences bring me to tears, and i fear that my personal abuse may have been along these lines and i just don't want to suffer, but i also want to be whole.
Joe deserves a whole person as his mom, not the fragmented, depressed, washed out person i've been living my life as. this was a prayer i'd made when i invited Joe into my life - to be a whole and present part of his life, to be there for him, healthy and everything i can be. i'm glad in on sense that i am making this journey back to myself, but in another sense it's been so arduous if i'd known before hand how hard it would be, i don't know if i'd have had the strength to make it. but it's been so gradual that i've been able to be here as much as i am here and be a mom to Joe at the same time.
i hope whatever it is that's keeping me from being whole will help mend my intamacy issues with my hubby.
perhaps for some ppd is a rend in your soul that happens when your child is born, and it's up to you to put the pieces back together, including finding the missing ones.
if i can i'll let you know what the results of the soul retrieval are. i'm just beginning on this journey. perhaps i shouldn't even bother mentioning it before i've completed it...
blessings,
Lori
MHM!
