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overheard in a restaurant - Page 2

post #21 of 134
In my life as the mother of an 8yo, if "you decided to leave the doll" comes out of my mouth, it means that we've already discussed the situation and she had several chances to decide to bring her toy into the restaurant, and if "that's what adult restaurants are like" comes out of my mouth, it means that we've already discussed the situation and she was warned it would be boring and she had several chances to decide to stay home or go to a friend's.

So yeah, I'm projecting, but under the circumstances I would not have a whole lot of sympathy for her and would not be going to fetch the desired toy. I would have sympathy for other restaurant-goers and would give her a pencil and paper from my purse.

If we truly hadn't realized it would be so boring -- no kids' menus with crayons, long wait for food -- or the doll had been forgotten, I would go get it long before a meltdown.
post #22 of 134
Quote:
It sounds like the child was already given the opportunity to bring her toy with her and she chose to leave it in the car. As a mom I've made this decision with my son many times. Im sorry but Im not going back, and I've also made the decision that if you bring something you are responsible for it. Really at 8 yrs old dinner w.o crayons isn't that big of a deal, she was probably 5 or under and just had good verbal skills.
I agree.

Maybe I'm a horrible mom. But my youngest went through a stage where he would change his mind about something 20 times in as many minutes, and if I let him get going on that route it would be a sure tantrum (and a mental breakdown for me). So the rule is, we talk about it, I give you the options, and you pick one. Period. The end. I'm not playing that game.

Could be the mom in the situation really is uncaring and mean. However, knowing that someone might overhear me saying something similiar, and not knowing any background on that family, I'd say it's best to reserve judgement.
post #23 of 134
I wouldn't have gotten the doll to reinforce that she made a decision to leave the doll in the car, however, with her verbal abilities, I sure as heck would be talking to her to entertain her and see what is going on with her. I mean school either just started or is starting... I can't imagine you can't come up with stuff to talk about.
post #24 of 134
Quote:
Originally Posted by chickabiddy View Post
In my life as the mother of an 8yo, if "you decided to leave the doll" comes out of my mouth, it means that we've already discussed the situation and she had several chances to decide to bring her toy into the restaurant, and if "that's what adult restaurants are like" comes out of my mouth, it means that we've already discussed the situation and she was warned it would be boring and she had several chances to decide to stay home or go to a friend's.

So yeah, I'm projecting, but under the circumstances I would not have a whole lot of sympathy for her and would not be going to fetch the desired toy. I would have sympathy for other restaurant-goers and would give her a pencil and paper from my purse.

If we truly hadn't realized it would be so boring -- no kids' menus with crayons, long wait for food -- or the doll had been forgotten, I would go get it long before a meltdown.
This is exactly what I was thinking. Those two lines in particular make it seem to me that these things had been discussed prior to the trip and the child made a particular set of choices despite fair warning and being advised to the contrary.

The only thing that bugs me though is the girl's line "nobody is talking to me." I have a teen now, and when she was younger and I went out with my friends, we still included her as best we could. Or, I left her home regardless of whether she wanted to come or not. You don't bring a kid out to eat with you and totally ignore her.


One other thing though...I might have been inclined to just bring the doll in anyway. Just sneak it in my purse and then that way when the kid flips out it's already there.
post #25 of 134
Is it a big deal for kids to change their minds? I saw someone said something about their kid changing his/her mind like 20 times over something, and I can definitely see getting irritated over something excessive like that, but my dd will sometimes say she wants to keep something in the car and then change her mind once, and I'll let her go back and get it. I sometimes change my mind about similar things and allow myself to get something I hadn't planned on bringing as well. Why is this a big deal?
post #26 of 134
I would have brought stuff for my daughter to do, even if she did leave the dolly in the car. What kid wants to sit and listen to adults talking? The least the mother could do was plan a little something for her daughter to do while she went out with friends. I can remember going to the wallpaper store with my mom while she shopped for what seemed like HOURS. Good lord, I can still remember the sheer boredom.

On a related note, we went to a friend's place to swim on the weekend, and a 4-year-old in the pool was asking her mom--who was in the pool, too--to swim over and get her. The lifejacket she had on was too big and she was scared. And the mother said "ah, that's what you get in life. you have to figure this one out for yourself. people can't come and help you all the time." I mean, I get the lesson and all, but it seemed a bit harsh.

So I guess some mothers have different lesson barometres than others.
post #27 of 134
DD is 8 and I can totally see this happening. DD is a very emotional child and I can picture me explaining to her that I was going out to eat with a friend and if she was going to come she needed to bring something to entertain herself. I can then totally see her deciding at the restaurant that she didn't want to take her item in because she wanted to talk with us adults. If the conversation was boring, she would then want to go get item and because of unmet expectations, she would start crying. We'd then go out to the parking lot until she calmed down.

I would probably let her get the doll after she calmed down and we discussed why next time she needed to be better prepared. I also now she would tell me she was being ignored just because to her the conversation was boring--even if we did include her.

If I walked by the mom and daughter, I would have let out a huge sigh of relief, knowing I wasn't the only one
post #28 of 134
Well, if I had thought I wouldn't need something and left it in the car, and then decided I really needed it, I'd go out and get it. I wouldn't sit there telling myself, "I made the choice and now I have to live with it."

So I don't see why I wouldn't let an 8yo go get her doll from the car.
post #29 of 134
I'd have gotten the doll.
I honestly couldn't imagine standing outside a restaurant trying to teach my kid a valueable life lesson while my dinner's inside growing cold.
Life's too short.
post #30 of 134
I always make sure dd has something to occupy her, or we'll make a dolly out of the napkins or play "I Spy" or something.

I have definitely had the "you make choices and have to deal with the consequences" discussion lots of times w/ dd (more in reference to helping her understand a negative consequence to a decision--like how you spoke to your friend hurt her feelings, and now she's not sure she wants to play with you, etc), and I do think that's important for them to eventually "get", but if my kid were expressing her needs (for stimulation and an appropriate activity in an adult environment) that clearly, I would definitely take the problem solving route with her.

This makes me sad for that little girl. Maybe I'm just extra sensitive today, but it seems kind of extreme to time out a kid over wanting an activity . . .
post #31 of 134
I'm not sure what I'd do, but I'd probably go back and get the doll. It sounds as though the mom and her adult friend were ignoring the child, and I doubt the girl was expecting that. I'd have trouble just sitting at a restaurant waiting for my meal if nobody were talking to me, so I don't see why I should expect my 8 year old to be happy about it.

ETA: I didn't see anything in the OP that sounded like the girl had been talked to about the nature of the restaurant. She clearly didn't know, for example, that were wouldn't be any colouring materials.
post #32 of 134
i wouldn't have cared the age of the child, if they are bored they are bored and i would have got them the doll. but then i usually plan for there being nothing for them to do and bring note books and pens/pencils/crayons.
i try and look at it like this...if i left something in a car i didn't think i would need and discovered i needed it, i have the ability to go back and get it. an 8 year old doesn't. so yes, i would go and get the doll.
but that is how i roll. lol

h
post #33 of 134
Quote:
but my dd will sometimes say she wants to keep something in the car and then change her mind once, and I'll let her go back and get it. I sometimes change my mind about similar things and allow myself to get something I hadn't planned on bringing as well. Why is this a big deal?
One time, on occasion, no biggie. Of course it's not a big deal.

But we do not know the mother and child in question. Approaching it from my perspective, with a child who has taken it to extremes, I can totally envision saying the same thing. That's why I think that it's best not to judge it one way or the other, because we just don't know enough to make a judgement either way.
post #34 of 134
I wouldn't ever walk into any restaurant with nothing to entertain my kids. I bring crayons or books, etc.. If the child had chosen to leave their toy behind knowing that they would probably need something to entertain themselves, then I wouldn't go get it for them.
post #35 of 134
well, i still don't get it. i forget things, change my mind, make a different choice all the time. no one at all tells me i can or can't do it. so why is it my place to make some sort of arbitrary rule that once you make a choice you can't change your mind? because i am the big person and i am the one who needs to be in control all the time?
so the kid made a poor choice, BUT as a parent we actually control the consequences most of the time. so she leave a doll thinking she won't need it because A) she thinks they will have crayons to draw with. B) mom will talk to her... but instead neither thing happens, so i can either A) let her suffer and also suffer myself, OR B) i can go get the doll and maybe even ask the waitress for paper and a pen.
i would choose B every single time, and as a mother of 5 i do that often.

h
post #36 of 134
The mom sounds like a great mom and that she handled it wonderfully. I don't agree with cutting other moms up like this because you can assume whatever you want but you have absolutely no idea what was actually going on.
post #37 of 134
Quote:
The mom sounds like a great mom and that she handled it wonderfully. I don't agree with cutting other moms up like this because you can assume whatever you want but you have absolutely no idea what was actually going on.


Absolutely. Just because we might handle something differently doesn't make it a Good Mom vs. Bad Mom issue.
post #38 of 134
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamaofthree View Post
well, i still don't get it. i forget things, change my mind, make a different choice all the time. no one at all tells me i can or can't do it. so why is it my place to make some sort of arbitrary rule that once you make a choice you can't change your mind? because i am the big person and i am the one who needs to be in control all the time?
so the kid made a poor choice, BUT as a parent we actually control the consequences most of the time. so she leave a doll thinking she won't need it because A) she thinks they will have crayons to draw with. B) mom will talk to her... but instead neither thing happens, so i can either A) let her suffer and also suffer myself, OR B) i can go get the doll and maybe even ask the waitress for paper and a pen.
i would choose B every single time, and as a mother of 5 i do that often.

h


I also don't understand why just because she's a kid, she has to suffer when if an adult leaves something in the car, the adult can go get it. All the rest is just justification for being unnecessarily rigid, IMO. The kid may or may not learn the lesson to bring her toy with her next time. She is more likely to learn the lesson that mom is ridiculously unyielding, tho. Often, we think we're teaching responsibility when really what we're teaching is how we value other things more than our kids' feelings.
post #39 of 134
Quote:
Originally Posted by Heavenly View Post
The mom sounds like a great mom and that she handled it wonderfully. I don't agree with cutting other moms up like this because you can assume whatever you want but you have absolutely no idea what was actually going on.
i am not judging the over heard mom, the OP asked what others thought of it. so i am assuming that is what everyone is doing. giving their opinion on a situation (it could have been any really, even a made up one for that matter).

i think the thing here is the confusion on what is a "natural" consequence vs a parent made one.
a natural one would be something like this... my dd forgets her laptop outside. no one sees it, it rains on it and the laptop is no longer functioning. the natural consequence of leaving the laptop in the rain is that it no longer works... NOW what we as the parents choose to do about that is not natural it is completely parent controlled. we could buy her a new one, say she has to buy it, we will help her buy one, she will never get another one because she can't care for them... whatever, but those are NOT natural.
NOW if she left her laptop in the car and then changed her mind and wanted it the natural consequence is that A.) she has to go out and get it OR B.) a parent needs to go out and get it.. to have it someone needs to go get it. IT is NOT natural for me to say you can't have it NOW because you decided earlier you didn't want it. i am making that consequence, it is not a naturally accouring thing. is it a bad thing? i don't know. to me it seems a bit harsh and controlling because if i wanted something i would just go get it. no one would stand there and tell me because i made that choice i couldn't change my mind and redo something. i think very few choices in life are unchangeable. we as parents almost always make that happen, not nature.


h
post #40 of 134
I have a 4 year old, who I could totally see doing this, in fact she's done this type of thing. Oh I want to go with mommy, no stay with daddy, no go with mommy, freak out and cry because she decides to stay with Daddy(and I leave). I'm sure when people hear me talk to her they think I'm a hard-butt mom, but after dealing with a spirited, precocious little girl I have my reasons.

Today she freaked because when I asked her what kind of milkshake she wanted she didn't respond, so I got her strawberry, then 4 miles down the road complains and whines. I gave her a choice, she didn't make one so I made it for her.

I think that depending on the situation the mom did what she felt was right.
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