Dd1 said she hates me

[karika]

Last night she asked me for help. She has a windows xp PC in her room and she had put a password on it for some reason. She put the user name as jessica (has been going around saying her name is jessica sporadically for a few weeks) and could not remember the password she had used. I looked help up online on my laptop, and found the easiest thing to do would be to reboot from the recover disk. So I tried it but it said it was missing a file. So I did it again. Still not working. She kept singing and making noises (tapping head on wall) despite being told others in the home were already sleeping (her dad and sis). I yelled at her to be quiet (there is a lot of yelling here). She said she hates me.

She is a very challenging child. She never stops talking, and she never stops moving. She will talk and walk around and around the couch where I am sitting. I know it is related to food or imbalances, but I don't know what anymore (she improved a lot after going GFCFSF but something is still off)... but that isn't what this post is about. That is just background, she is 'ON' all the time she is awake. She is argumentative, LOUD, talkative and opinionated (and happy, laughing, singing, jokes, not just unhappy I mean). She talks to herself if we aren't talking back. She drives us both batty. I need a new approach. I am going to reread "How to Talk so your kids will listen..." but right now I guess my feelings are just hurt.

I make all meals and cookies and muffins from scratch, help dd1 with her feelings and everything else 24/7. I love doing her home schooling. We take her on walks nearly daily to get her energy out. I have taught her the basics of meditation and we attempt a yoga show at least twice a week. I did not know she would say, "I hate You" so young. I never said that to my mom or dad and I was the quintessential rebellious child, on my own since 13 yo when I got my first full time job. She really doesn't like me. Most of the time I feel she is just on my nerves too.

I am lucky in the fact that her dad is not working right now. He has been laid off for months. I told him he could just do everything for her for awhile while I sort this out in my mind. Right now I am basically ignoring her (silent treatment and all) and only tending to her sister, but this feels childish and wrong. I don't want to manipulate or force anything. I believe deeply in no praise punishment, no rules, etc... but I can't say I live this way although I want to. This is the type of people I hope to hear from. And anyone else who has had their child say they hate them to commiserate with me.

[bonamarq]

Take heart - this is how she is expressing her anger and you are a very safe target - my own dd (who sounds a bit like yours, but since I work FT we get along much better appreciate our time together (not that you do not) where before she got on my every last nerve before 9:00am)

anyway - a while back -at age 4 - she needed to come inside for some reason? and she SHOUTS " I HATE you, I'm going to HATE you until I'm a teenager!!!" I probably should have reflected her feelings for her but her drama is sometimes hard to take seriously so I said (very calmly) " Well, I guess I'm doing my job then, b/c sometimes we just hate our mothers - and if that's the case I'm guessing you won't want to sleep together tonight?" She LOVES co-sleeping and I try not to use it to manipulate her, but I thought this was a very logical extension of said hatred - she rethought that pretty quick and decided she didn't hate me afterall - but she was still pretty mad

I'm guessing with all that you have said you have eliminated food dyes? How about apples? I read that can cause some behavioral issues? that being said she may just be who she is and I can tell you from experience that time apart can be a really good thing....

[craft_media_hero]

I'm so sorry!

My dd has said the same thing before, and it hurts!

Your girl sounds like mine in the "always on" sense and the constant movement/noise, need to have constant attention; my dd is 7, too. It's rough. I feel bad when she irritates me. I don't know what to say about that except to commiserate.

Lots of exercise helps my dd--way more than I think she needs--I mean like 2-3 hrs per day of hard activity like hiking or swimming or karate. For a while, we would do a short yoga period as part of homeschool, then later that evening a swim or karate class, and yes, there was a noticeable difference in behavior. It's like she has to be on the verge of exhaustion to fulfill that need for movement!! I totally am not like that, so it's hard for me to understand.

I understand what you are saying about not wanting rules . . . but some kids freak out without boundaries. That is hard for me with my dd, too. I am super-laid back and want to have this laissez-faire relationship with her, but her behavior breaks down without a laid out routine. She needs waaaay more structure than I actually want to give her! So I have actually had to amend my laid back parenting and institute more of a routine and expectations with chores and stuff. My kid NEEDS bedtime. If I didn't say "bedtime", she would literally stay up overstimulating herself until 2-3am and then wake up at 6 cranky as hell and fighty with everybody. Same with chores and school expectations. She actually thrives when she has laid out activities from dawn til dusk SO contrary to my nature to parent this way, but she is a different person than me, and this is what I observe she needs.

Maybe having a gentle but structured routine with your dd might help? And making "house rules" or "peace rule" together?

Also--this book, arrrgh, I can't remember the title, but the basic premise is that mega-doses of fish oils can actually "heal" movement and hyperactivity and speech issues. That deficits of these oils actually cause the issues in children. So maybe that's something to consider.

Ditto time apart. It will be good for both of you.

And again Try and breathe! You're not alone here!

I totally feel you, momma

[philomom]

First of all, our computers are in a central location. Second, I insist on knowing their passwords. I don't check behind them often but I do once in awhile.

I hate you means "my life is not going my way". Really. I used it on my parents and my kids have used a couple of times on me.

[meemee]

for some reason i took on those words as a compliment.

i looked at it as 'dd has to find a way to hit out. she needs to vent. she feels so comfortable around me that she could use the 'worst' words to tell me. because she knows i 'understand' that she can be who she is'.

dont take it at its face value. next time she says 'i hate you' hear it as 'mama i am sooo frustrated. life is not going very well. you guys tricked me in believing that the universe revolves around me and now i discover that it doesnt. i no longer get my way and i have to conform. this is so unfair. i need some time to really get this. i do not like that you as my mother is also stopping me from doing what i want to do. i am just fed up with life. why cant you.....' pretty much what philomom wrote.

this is them moving out of one kind of childhood and moving into another.

[St. Margaret]

Totally true that daughters will lash out and lay into mamas, because they KNOW you will never stop loving them. You are a safe place to fall apart and get angry and try on that anger and let it all out. She loves you and will appreciate you long term. Maybe you both do need a little time apart, and it does hurt to hear that, but I agree she's probably just frustrated with life and herself more than anything.

[squimp]

My daughter is so much like yours, and I can completely empathize. She is constantly talking, moving, dancing, doing gymnastics in the kitchen, and she drives me a bit crazy too, god love her. One big difference between she and I is that she's really an extrovert - she needs people all the time. They give her energy and vitality. And I am an introvert - I love people but dang give me some dang space. It makes interactions for us difficult sometimes. I honestly cannot imagine homeschooling her because her interactions with teachers are so important to her.

One small thing that I have been doing lately, and it is so simple, but has made a huge difference, is just to validate her. She says "you are the meanest mommy in the world" and instead of my saying "don't say that" or "that hurts my feelings" I say "you are really angry right now" or "you really don't like me right now". I keep repeating this simple, almost zombie-like mantra until she realizes I am hearing her and not arguing. Unless she's in the midst of a tantrum, she will relax just a tiny bit. It has made so much difference for us. It allows us to move forward rather than escalate. And I know she just needs someone to vent at, just like I did with my mom.

[zebra15]

Something I learned a long time ago is 'its just words'. I had an awful childhood and never could say 'words'. Not saying that your DD has an awful anyting however its great that she can say what she is feeling a the moment-however hurtful it may be. She may not hate you, she may hate whats going on, what she is feeling, being frustrated, any one a a billion things. Your DD needs to feel secure enough to be able to say whatever comes to her, yes she may need to apologize later but she needs to be able to get it all out.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by squimp

One small thing that I have been doing lately, and it is so simple, but has made a huge difference, is just to validate her. She says "you are the meanest mommy in the world" and instead of my saying "don't say that" or "that hurts my feelings" I say "you are really angry right now" or "you really don't like me right now". I keep repeating this simple, almost zombie-like mantra until she realizes I am hearing her and not arguing. Unless she's in the midst of a tantrum, she will relax just a tiny bit. It has made so much difference for us. It allows us to move forward rather than escalate. And I know she just needs someone to vent at, just like I did with my mom.

yes! yes! YES!!!! that is how i have always treated it since she was 3. i also tell her i am so sad seeing you so hurt.... but yeah i keep on repeating and she DOES relax a tiny bit. sometimes she huffs off to lick her wounds in private. sometimes she sits on my lap and needs a hug.

i never, ever ask for an apology. i actually never have. in anything. i have pointed out what she has done. and she has later come and apologized. or told me 'mama you know i dont hate you. i just had to say that at that time.' and i said oh yeah. i understand.

if anything those words have actually brought us even closer than we are. and she has been 'apologizing' since she was 3.

i feel its a give and take relationship. i do the same to her. a couple of times i have slapped her and then been horrified and really sad about it. rather hit out. and yelled at her. she still remembers them but she understands. she has forgiven me.