self-defining gender

[princesstutu]

If your 8 year old son wanted to be referred to as "she" or your daughter as "he", how would you handle that? What would you do with regard to schools, family, family friends, etc? What about cross-dressing?

[hildare]

Originally Posted by princesstutu

If your 8 year old son wanted to be referred to as "she" or your daughter as "he", how would you handle that? What would you do with regard to schools, family, family friends, etc? What about cross-dressing?

I would do as my child requested. I'd imagine it would be experimental, and I would explain that other people may not respect that request, but I most certainly would. I would expect family to do the same. IMO, it's just like when children change names. I'll call him/her whatever is pleasing to the child, and if the child is 8, he/she is certainly old enough to select clothing as he/she wishes. I would discuss how some people in our society would react differently to those ideas than family members, but I'd absolutely not discourage exploration of this kind.

but this topic is a BIG thing for us.. i honestly believe in 'gender as a social construct' and don't quite understand why other people should define gender for my child when she/he is quite capable of doing so him/herself.

[One_Girl]

I would do what my child wanted. My dd is seven now and understands the socially constructed norms and how kids who don't fit them are treated so if she made that request I would honor it. I would give my family, friends, and her teachers a heads up and do my best to shield her from negative comments from them. I have always allowed dd to choose her clothing and would continue to do that.

[meemee]

i would be devastated. really upset. because i'll know the possibility of my son going thru a lot of pain his whole life could be a strong possibility.

then i would calm down and let him know i fully support him but he should know how society perceives this kind of behaviour. i would be right there with him, but he has to understand that people are going to behave in a certain manner.

and then we'd go shopping.

[Attached2Elijah]

Probably the same way I handled our step-daughter telling us she was a lesbian... very poorly at first. But eventually, I would come to the conclusion that it really doesn't matter and that they are still the same child I have loved all along regardless of gender definition.

When my step-daughter told us she was a lesbian, I was upset for her. I didn't want her to go through life any harder then it already is... We told her that she didn't know what she was (she was 13 at the time), we told her that just wait a few years to make that decision, don't tell anyone because it might just be a phase,... We went through the whole realm of things NOT to say because WE didn't want it to be true for her because of the trials she would face. These days? It just doesn't matter... other then the fact that she faces trials with her mother's family who are very Christian and completely disagree with homosexuality but they love her anyway... just aren't very good at accepting that part of her. But for us? She is still the little girl we have always loved and nothing could change that. We don't care what gender she loves. I know it's not exactly the same but the child's heart is essentially the same regardless of what gender they choose. Sometimes it's still uncomfortable for me to hear about her new girlfriends and such but I tell her "I may not know WHAT to say to this sometimes but don't take that as lack of acceptance, it's just that I don't have first hand experience to give you advice in these situations since I have never been there myself" ... We let her know we accept her and whom she loves completely, we just don't always have the answers and that's okay.

[VisionaryMom]

I would have no problem with my son wanting to be called "she" or my daughter "he." If I thought this were a gender construction exploration, I'd probably just go with it. If I thought my child really thought he or she had been born the wrong sex, we have a number of trans friends who I'm sure would be happy to discuss the issue with them. Though I understand trans issues better than the average person, I think, I would want someone with a BTDT perspective who would be available to my DC.

[To-Fu]

Originally Posted by VisionaryMom

I would have no problem with my son wanting to be called "she" or my daughter "he." If I thought this were a gender construction exploration, I'd probably just go with it. If I thought my child really thought he or she had been born the wrong sex, we have a number of trans friends who I'm sure would be happy to discuss the issue with them. Though I understand trans issues better than the average person, I think, I would want someone with a BTDT perspective who would be available to my DC.

I'm with you on this one.

[NYCVeg]

Originally Posted by hildare

I would do as my child requested. I'd imagine it would be experimental, and I would explain that other people may not respect that request, but I most certainly would. I would expect family to do the same. IMO, it's just like when children change names. I'll call him/her whatever is pleasing to the child, and if the child is 8, he/she is certainly old enough to select clothing as he/she wishes. I would discuss how some people in our society would react differently to those ideas than family members, but I'd absolutely not discourage exploration of this kind.

but this topic is a BIG thing for us.. i honestly believe in 'gender as a social construct' and don't quite understand why other people should define gender for my child when she/he is quite capable of doing so him/herself.

This, exactly. We have a number of LGBT friends, so I would also be sure to help her connect with anyone I thought might be particularly helpful/sensitive.