Curiosity about others' private parts

[JustSo]

DS is 4 yrs old and has become very curious about other kid's genitals. There have been a few occasions where he and the other child have had their pants down, showing each other their privates. My approach has been "it's ok to be curious about each other bodies. but our private parts need to stay private and other people's private parts need to stay private, too. if you have questions, you can always ask mommy/daddy." I'm pretty sure that wasn't the best-worded explanation I could give, but I was just so shocked by it all... I never dreamed this type of curiosity would start so early!

Anyway, my question is, does anyone have any BTDT advice on what to say to DS? He often seems to be the initiator of such visual bodily explorations, and I'm at a loss as to how to get him to stop pressuring other kids to play show and tell. As much as I try to say the "right" words, I'm sure he can still feel the tension rolling off me! (I was abused as a child and this whole situation has been a huge trigger for me...)

Also, if anyone has any preschooler-friendly books about body-curiosity (not necessarily sexual abuse, but I suppose addressing that as a theme couldn't hurt), I'd love to get some titles so DH and I can try to address this with DS head-on and not in some flubbing, roundabout way that makes him feel ashamed!!

TIA,
Concerned mama

[JustSo]

please... any advice would help... or if I should be posting in another category, lmk...

[pbjmama]

I think what you said was fine. A little wordy but I bet he got it! While this phase continues I would just monitor more closely. Sorry I don't have any book recommendations. I usually use the internet (pre-screened) or an anatomy book.

[AbbieB]

My DD was very curious at 4. Fortunately she was always after her brother so I had no fears of how another adult would see this.

For about a year I had to repeat over and over again it's OK to look when I'm changing a diaper or when you are in the tub but it's not OK to touch. A few times we had to take breaks from the kids bathing together (which was like torture for both of them, they really have a great time in the tub together.)

I also just had to be vigilant, which is what you may need to do. When your son is playing with other kids just don't let him out of your sight.

Do you know for a fact that your son is pressuring other kids? If you do than I think it is appropriate to kick things up a notch and explain to him why this is not OK. At 4 it might be that the only thing he fully understands is that if he plays show and tell with another child that the other child might not be allowed to come over and play with him any more.

I would NOT get into the concept of sexual abuse at this age and over this situation (as in doing this makes him an abuser.) It sounds to me like your son is simply curious and like my daughter, does not give up easily when there is something he is curious about.

Another thought. Since this is triggering for you, perhaps it would be better for your DH to take the lead on talking with your son. I know I have had to ask DH to step in and take the lead on dealing with stuff when I am feeling inappropriately (for the situation) emotional about stuff.

I think you are doing fine momma, and it's great that you are able to recognize that your personal history is a factor in this situation.

[JustSo]

Yes, I am watching him like a hawk now at playdates! As for the pressuring... what I meant was I *think* he asks and asks and asks... doesn't resort to physical force or anything like that. But you know, he acts like the typical 4 yr old "do this...no? why not? but why? but why?" In that sense, I meant "pressure."

I do hope it passes with time. I cannot find any books out there that deal with simple curiosity about anatomy and don't address abuse at the same time. If anyone has a title, please share. I'm desperate! I'm not sure I want a full on anatomy book at this point, it may be too much for his age. But something with little drawings... maybe I could draw something... hmmm... *wheels turning***

Thanks mamas, for the input! It helps. We're not weirdos after all... (at least not respect to this! )

[AbbieB]

Why not full on anatomy? He's clearly wanting to know more. On top of that you can look at books whenever you want. Just a thought.

I considered getting DD an anatomically correct baby doll for awhile. I ended up not doing it because she is just not into baby dolls.

Be reassured momma, this phase will pass.