Mens stages of behaviour during divorce (Fun thread!)

[hillymum]

I have developed friendships with two other moms who are at the same stage of divorce as I am. We decided someone needs to write a reality book on common divorce induced behaviors. It would include......

Cutting off financial support......."I closed the account so she couldn't go on spending spree's, or feed the kids and herself, without coming begging to me first.

The Spending sprees.........I bought flowers and makeup for my wife, but she didn't want them so I gave them to this girl I know....."
OR
"I needed a whole new wardrobe to make myself feel better, and a new laptop, and shoes, and..............."


The guilt trip....."you're the one who wants the divorce, not me!"

The none threats......"I could be a dick and threaten to turn off the none esentials like cell phone and cable!"

The carrying out of none threat......results in comments to Judge such as "I didn't report her phone stolen, I reported MY phone stolen. I pay for it therefore it is my phone."

The materialistic demands......."I want all your jewelry back!"

What have been your e or sbx husbands stages?

[Halfasianmomma]

Hmmm my XH did the following:

1) Cooperation: "yeah I like the idea of being rid of her so I can finally do whatever I want". This is when he worked with me to figure out how to separate.

2) Hurt: "Oh man I'm going to miss her". This is where he avoided me because it was just "too hard" for him emotionally, even though he agreed that separation was best. This is also when he asked me to leave prematurely for his sake alone.

3) Begging: "Give us another chance! We've built so much!". This is when he got drunk one night and texted me, feeling nostalgic. He quickly retracted his plea when it was clear I wasn't coming back.

4) Accusation: "You b*tch, how could you, after all I did for you??!". Now he shows his true colors, accusing me of being the sole reason for the demise of the marriage.

5) Holding hostages: "I know you need x,y,z that you left behind, but you're not getting them back until you give me what I want". This is when we were in mediation, trying to work out custody and visitation.

6) Making threats: "I have proof that you're a bad mother, and a wh*re and a liar etc and I won't hesitate to use those against you". This is when we were about to go to court. Funny how he never showed up.

7) Making nice: "I'm glad we're cooperating regarding DD". This is when he had a new girlfriend and was "getting some". Suddenly, he was Father of the Year, at least for the 3.5 hrs he saw DD.

8) the disappearing act...this is when he was "too busy" to take DD for visitation...

[doubledutch]

i guess i'm the man in our relationship.

i opened individual accounts so stbx couldn't blow all the money in our joint accounts (so that i would be able to feed the kids and pay the bills). however, i have continued paying the bills and making sure he has enough food during kids' visits, even though he's working.

spending sprees? kinda - he lectured me for buying "tons of toys" (a small stash of mostly rummage sale / thrift store toys) for the kids, since we didn't have any in the place where we are temporarily staying, since he won't leave our home.

i'm the one who wants the divorce, but during the earlier part of our separation when we were not actively moving toward divorce, i did say, "YOU are the one who chose this separation" when he'd complain about it, because i just wanted to get divorced and be done with it.

it didn't get to the next part because he is moving out, but i was preparing myself to say that i was no longer going to pay his utilities, and that he was going to have to open his own accounts. and yes, i would have carried it out.



stbx's stages?

ping-ponging back and forth between telling me how messed up i was (mentally ill, physically ill, irrational, selfish, better than this, controlling and manipulative, etc) and begging for another chance (i'll do anything, i'll be a different person, i can change - but ONLY if/when we reunite and not before). then suddenly he decided he would move out and sign papers and basically never see the kids. sounds like a new gf to me.

[Devaya]

Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma

3) Begging: "Give us another chance! We've built so much!". This is when he got drunk one night and texted me, feeling nostalgic. He quickly retracted his plea when it was clear I wasn't coming back.

7) Making nice: "I'm glad we're cooperating regarding DD". This is when he had a new girlfriend and was "getting some". Suddenly, he was Father of the Year, at least for the 3.5 hrs he saw DD. .

These two really ring true! Except in my case it was repeated texts over a period of time, only stopping after I got a new boyfriend and told him emphatically to stop (he didn't respond to hints). He has vacillated between being nice and wanting me back, and being vicious - no clear linear 'stages' there, but he's an addict so I think that plays out differently.

As for point no. 7 here, naively I had thought X and I were on a 'better page' now, a year after the breakup, bc he's suddenly v co operative, esp around issues to do with DS's schooling (which he previously would disagree with me about everything, almost just for the sake of it), but I just realised it probably IS just bc he (finally) has a new girlfriend and has moved on. Ha! If only it really were bc he'd turned over a new leaf...