I hope everything turns out for the best.
M and me...sigh. Things were fantastic again, and then went south. He pulls away, and I cling more. It's an awful circle. We have to figure this out-- I told him, look, this is driving a wedge and it'll end up with us breaking up. He said NO, I don't want that...and neither do I.
This morning, he did lots better with trying to listen to my feelings, but he's stumped. I don't know how I can make myself any clearer. Mars and Venus indeed. Sigh.
He's going to bring it up with his therapist. I don't have
a therapist...I only have you guys
Here's my feelings on the topic: I don't think things have changed with me. I'm pretty sure they haven't. He's gotten more...well, sex and intimacy and touching and focused attention don't seem to be as important to him as they were in the beginning, or as they do to me. He says
I turn him on and that he loves me, but his behavior this time shows different. I know he does, but what's happened??
To him (at least, this go-round) hanging together in the same room with us on our separate computers IS hanging together. Now for me, that's fine for a little while, but it's kind of like the Waldorf theory of expansion and contraction-- I need to stop with the computers, or TV, or whatever separate activity, after awhile, and BE together. In and out, together and separate, activity and rest.
He wasn't getting that at all, and getting very angry with me (and pulling away) for mentioning it.
He can be very good about listening to my needs, and we did go for a walk last night when I suggested it.
And then this morning, I'm on the train right now to go home, and he calls me from work, agonizing (finally) about treating me terribly and how awful he feels. Personally I think he has been looking for an excuse to drink and hate himself more. He did say he'd already been thinking of it. I said LOOK, don't, try to use this as an opportunity for growth. He said good idea. Let's see ~sigh~
Anyway. He has a lot of issues from his past involving sex, and it's affecting us-- I don't know why now
, all of a sudden, though. That's my
problem with this whole thing-- he has severe issues and I know this, but if they haven't affected us yet, why now? So my own insecurities are rearing their ugly heads and I'm thinking it must be me, but I'm trying to be compassionate and realize he has a LOT to work through. But that doesn't help my issues any.
What to do? Augh. He said, this morning, very sincerely, that he doesn't want to lose me. I said this has to be resolved or he will. I can't live like this. I don't think he can, either. And I for sure don't want to lose him.
Oh, mamas...sh!t. What a mess. Why can't people just be mentally healthy? Why do we both have to be so f**cked up? We are both so damaged. We both think/hope/are pretty sure we can work through our stuff. I hope.