others complimenting you to your child?

[meemee]

i know they mean well. i know they are sincere but i hate it saying it to my dd.

it usually happens when dd is complaining. and the person keeps saying 'see what a good mom she is she allows that. or doesnt allow that because...' yesterday dd and i had an argument. i mean you are an adult. you are always right (safety issue and candy and tv time kinda things). it was about tv time. and my professor was telling dd 'you have such a wonderful mom. she lets you have two hours for tv. i only give my children ONE hour....' or i hate that 'dont say that about your mom. she loves you.' or 'she is not allowing you to do it because she cares about you and doesnt want you to ...'

i recognise within me that usually happens when dd is complaining. of course she knows how wonderful i am, how much i love her. that goes without saying. but she is v. honest. sometimes i dont like my mom v. much. even though i know she is doing it because she loves me. and i understand that she doesnt have the maturity yet to say i dont hate my mom i hate her actions.

and i notice when i hear my dd vent i want people to hear her venting and empathise with her. but instead they tend to stand up for me. with my friends i can of course correct them. something like of course i am a caring mom but right now i am making her do something she doesnt like and she has a right not to like what i am making her do.

i guess in my world i feel children are not really 'heard' or 'seen'. they should have the same rights as an adult. they need to vent. once they get it out of their system, they return to normal.

with those comments i feel the persons are totally 'unhelping' my dd. the only person who can truly listen to my dd are a couple of my friends who are therapists and can identify the need and emotions behind the words.

i just think of myself and imagine how terrible it must be for dd. when i am complaining about someone or venting the last thing i want to hear is someone complimenting that v. person against whom i am complaining. i may be a great mom, but i am not 24/7. and dd has the right to complain about the parts when i am not. and i want her to be seen for that, instead of jumping up for me. i am the adult here. i understand. its my dd who would like some empathy.

i do the same with my friends sons who feel she is so strict. i empathise with their feeling of unfairness. i never say no your mom loves you, she is not mean.

can you relate to this? i think i get a lot of this because i am a single mom and the people saying it feel they need to to support me.

[mtiger]

I usually commiserate, but also point out the other side of the situation. Although I have been known to tell some kids that they should be happy I'm not their Mom.

[nextcommercial]

Originally Posted by mtiger

I usually commiserate, but also point out the other side of the situation. Although I have been known to tell some kids that they should be happy I'm not their Mom.

I tell my daughter "You should be happy I am your mom instead of Haley's mom".

OP.. Some of those remarks actually sound like insults. The "I only allow one hour" remark sounds more like one upping you. I would have jumped in with "I only allow commercials!!"

All I can say, is if she's going to vent loud enough to bring others into her conversation, then she's not always going to hear what she wants. Others are going to say in the most polite way possible what's on THEIR mind. They don't have the script.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by nextcommercial

I tell my daughter "You should be happy I am your mom instead of Haley's mom".

OP.. Some of those remarks actually sound like insults. The "I only allow one hour" remark sounds more like one upping you. I would have jumped in with "I only allow commercials!!"

All I can say, is if she's going to vent loud enough to bring others into her conversation, then she's not always going to hear what she wants. Others are going to say in the most polite way possible what's on THEIR mind. They don't have the script.

naaaah nextcommercial. it was sooo not an insult. it was more of a you should be grateful i am not your 'mom' kinda thing. you are lucky your mom allows you two hours. i only allow my children just one hour. but he went on in the vein of how lucky you are you have your mom as your mom.

what usually happens is she vents to me, others overhear and then they say thier bit.

i have to say i find it really frustrating.

[mtiger]

I usually get kids venting directly to me about how terrible their parents are. I'll let them go on a while, making appropriately sympathetic comments/noises, and then say something like "Well... you know I know your Mom and Dad pretty well... I wonder if s/he/they aren't letting you do XYZ because... ABC. What do you think?" Or... "I know it always annoyed me when my parents wouldn't let me do XYZ when I was your age. But you know... as I got older, and then when I got to be a parent, it made a lot more sense to me. I know that doesn't help now, but your Mom/Dad isn't giving you a hard time for no reason."

And yes, there are times when a kid is just so annoying and unreasonable that I DO tell them they should be glad I'm not their Mom - because their Mom will take what they're dishing out, and I don't. And if they don't believe me? They're free to go ask my kids. Who will tell them straight up how it works in our house. You have a problem with my decision? Come and *talk* to me. Don't huff, puff, throw things, slam doors, roll eyes, be generally disrespectful. Give me some good reasons why you think I'm wrong in my decision. I DO listen. I will explain my position. And I have been known to change my mind. And then there are times when I tell them that I can't explain it, but there is something about the situation that makes me uncomfortable, so I'd prefer to revisit it later.

[theatermom]

I totally get what you're saying. What I think is happening a lot these days is that people generally *want* to be supportive of parents, but don't know how. We're all kind of relearning (again, for the millionth time over history) how to navigate the challenges of being responsible for someone while still allowing them to be their own persons with dignity and respect. It's tough sometimes. And if it's tough for parents and adults who have kinda gotten the hang of it, it's even tougher for parents whose children are grown or who raise their kiddos completely differently, or who, not knowing the child in question, are innocently misinterpreting the situation.

Also, it's funny to me how much more leeway we give adults who don't follow social norms to the tee. We'll give them the benefit of the doubt, and make excuses for them, and so on, just to avoid being rude in return. When we deal with children, we expect them to not make mistakes, or to have learned social norms fully that they are still practicing. I think it's because we're so afraid to raise spoiled brats, but IME, you don't avoid getting spoiled brats by reminding them all the time how lucky they are and how grateful they should be. Anyway, manners and consideration are something like a foreign language, and a person needs to be able to make many mistakes with gentle guidance (and no shaming) in order to learn it fully.

[Learning_Mum]

There is a difference between venting and b*tching at you because they aren't getting what they want and are trying to make you change your mind.

I think they're just trying to help you by pointing out there are people 'worse off' than your DD.

I would just say to them 'It's OK, she's just disappointed'.

Honestly though, sometimes we do just have to suck up disappointment and deal with it.

[Forthwith]

Originally Posted by meemee

i guess in my world i feel children are not really 'heard' or 'seen'. they should have the same rights as an adult. they need to vent. once they get it out of their system, they return to normal.

with those comments i feel the persons are totally 'unhelping' my dd. the only person who can truly listen to my dd are a couple of my friends who are therapists and can identify the need and emotions behind the words.

The first rule of venting is that you need to chose your audience carefully, because not everyone will side with you. It sounds like your problem is actually that people are treating your DD more like an adult than you want them to.

[meemee]

well it isnt that she is choosing the audience. the audience is choosing her. they ask her why she cant do something or why she is upset. these are friends. and so she feels comfortable telling them what's going on inside her.

she does it to me too. sometimes when she is v. frustrated with me she tells me why....

however as i think more its not just her. i think its more about everyone. we tend to not empathize, but tell them either how good they have it or try to fix it. even as an adult i dont need to hear i am so much better off. i want them to hear the fear or hurt behind my words. i mean isnt venting that. yes our words focus on 'complaining' but isnt it really about what we are feeling and needing rather than 'bitching' or letting off steam.

[Linda on the move]

[QUOTE=meemee;15795429 i mean you are an adult. you are always right (safety issue and candy and tv time kinda things). [/QUOTE]

I don't think that because I'm an adult that I'm always right. There are judgment calls about all these things.

I think the problem starts between you and your DD, and that it's possible that if you change the way you talk to her during these conversations, the whole outcome will be different. It's also the only part you control, so it makes sense to tweak it as much as possible.

Have you read How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk? I found it very helpful in diffusing situations with my kids.

There are a couple of different ideas, but one of them was giving the child what they want in fantasy when they can't have it in reality.

can you relate to this? i think i get a lot of this because i am a single mom and the people saying it feel they need to to support me.

I was thinking as a read your post that it sounds like people are trying to support you, just going about it in a less than helpful way.

[meemee]

sorry linda. i wrote that flippantly. dd and i we have a great relationship. we have great equal talks.

what i meant about the 'adults always right' that with diet, safety a parent has the 'intellect' for want of a better word to know whats right. NOT from an ethical or moral point of view. in that aspect dd and i are equals in our relationship. she has the right to point out what she thinks is unfair as much as i do.

the thing is - which i get mad with - is when she is speaking, even us or anyone else, we really arent 'complaining', 'venting', <whatever word you want to put in here> about the person. in an indirect fashion you are talking about yourself. and i want people to see that.

i get enough support. dd gets 'you are so lucky, you have a great mom' comments all the time. so yeah i DO have the support. others tell her that too. just out of the blue. which i truly do appreciate and enjoy the support.

but in a sense i feel when dd is voicing - it is SHE who needs the support, not me. i kinda feel she is being short changed.