i must be doing something wrong

[red and lulu]

i'm having a really hard time being the parent i want to be these days.
dd is a beautiful, bright 13 mo. she is also very high needs. i don't think i would have called her a high needs baby, but i don't know — as a first time mom with a little mom-as-martyr complex, i just thought her intense needs were normal. of course she wants to be held all the time. of course she wants to nurse all the time. of course she wants to be with me all the time. it didn't really phase me, b/c i felt like she was a happy baby. and i'd get a lot of compliments from people on how i was such a relaxed mom, such "a natural." but these days she's just so draining and i feel totally out of control. she is so impatient and demanding. if she doesn't get what she wants the instant she wants it she screams. she is willful and stubborn. she's like a little tornado, in high-gear all the time; she doesn't sit still unless she's sleeping. she doesn't want anyone but me, and cries when i leave the room. she nurses constantly and is really aggressive about it (she needs both out, she wants to twiddle w/ her fingernails, she stands up and twists around and puts her feet in my face; she pulls and pinches and sometimes bites). she won't let me do anything; she wants my undivided attention all the time. not to be melodramatic, but i feel less than human sometimes, like there is absolutely no space for me to take care of myself. i know that parenting requires a certain amount of self-sacrifice, but this feels a little out of hand. i can't even go to the bathroom without her pulling on me or crying. and i know that she is still a baby and she doesn't in any way mean to make me feel this way, and i love her more than anything, but i feel like i'm doing something wrong. everyone keeps telling me that if i hadn't "spoiled" her by being so attached when she was a baby then she wouldn't be so demanding and clingy, but i just did what i thought she needed. and i want to do the same thing now, take her lead. but it just feels like we're both miserable.

i don't mean to ramble on. i just feel like i'm losing my mind. i'm not enjoying this at all. i'm getting so frustrated and burnt out that i feel myself getting cold and edgy and she doesn't deserve that; like i just have to shut down b/c i don't know what to do for her. i just want to yell at her sometimes b/c it feels like she's just yelling at me all day. i don't want to be that mom. i can't help but think i'm just doing this wrong, that i'm missing something and she's trying to tell me what. or maybe this is just the way she is, the way a toddler is, and i just don't know how to cope.

thanks for listening.

[RaeDyCo]

I don't have a lot of BTDT for you but I am working through some nursing manners with DS2 right now. Have you seen this? http://www.kellymom.com/bf/older-bab...g-manners.html

DS1 had a blankie that he loved to hold when nursing so he never pinched. I did have to work with him on biting though. It is ok to set limits and let your DD know that some behaviour is unacceptable (not that you aren't but maybe you need to be more firm and consistent about it).

I do think the clinginess can be very normal at 13 months. They are started to learn so much and test being an independant little person that they need some reassurance that someone is there for them all the time. It can be so draining.

I really like this information -- http://www.kellymom.com/parenting/velcrochild.html

Hope things get better for you soon.

[Ravensong13]

My dd ( now almost 2.5) was VERY clingy at that age too. I completely felt 'less than human' sometimes as well. I started to feel that maybe I had gotten her too attached to me to ever be an independent little person, but you know what? She's fine now! I truly believe all the trust we fostered in our relationship through attachment has allowed her to feel safe to be herself and more independent of me. I agree with the previous poster about the age playing into the clingy behavior a lot. I don't have much by way of advice on the nursing issues, but I hope it gets easier for you soon!

[Abraisme]

This all sounds like very normal 13mo behavior to me. It also sounds like it's time to start setting some clear boundaries and being VERY consistent with whatever rules you establish. Consistency is the most important aspect of parenting by far (also one of the hardest parts).

If you don't want her to squirm while you nurse, then put her down every time she acts up. She will get the connection, probably quicker than you think. This sort of technique can be applied in many situations. At this age if I need to pee, shower, etc and my baby gets upset that it's not going her way, too bad. She's old enough to wait for 2 minutes while I do what I NEED to do. It's okay to to start showing your LO that the whole world doesn't revolve around her. I have seen AP parents get stuck in the "infant phase" of parenting and pretty soon their 2/3 yo are walking all over them. A 13mo does not need the same sort of immediate attention that a newborn needs, and a 2 year old does not need the same things that a 13mo needs. It's an evolving process.

It also sounds like she might be a bit bored. Some kids really like being out of the house and are much happier if they get out for a daily trip. I used to take my son outside to a park or playgroup almost daily at that age. If he got to burn off some energy and get some new stimulation he was much happier at home.

Good luck!

[EzzysMom]

Definitely around that time I found the need to set some limits, limits on nursing and limits on physically being on top of me. I personally do not tolerate the twiddling at all. You have a right to control things about your body, she can nurse without twiddling or standing, if she won't listen to your rules, you stop nursing and try again later. She may protest, but she won't die. It's the beginning of a long road of boundries that are tough but important to learn!

You've been pushed too far, so its time for some limits so you feel like a person again. It's time, it's ok. You haven't spoiled her and nor will you scar her with some limits.

[red and lulu]

thanks a lot for the encouragement and ideas. it helps to know this is normal for this age, and to be reminded that boundaries are for her benefit and mine.

RaeDyCo, those links were super helpful, thank you!

Originally Posted by Abraisme

It also sounds like she might be a bit bored. Some kids really like being out of the house and are much happier if they get out for a daily trip. I used to take my son outside to a park or playgroup almost daily at that age. If he got to burn off some energy and get some new stimulation he was much happier at home.

we spend most of the day out of the house — at the park, with friends, at playgroup, walking, running errands, ramming around the backyard. i've actually been wondering if all the out and about isn't contributing to the problem. i feel even more out of control and discombobulated in public — especially with the way she throws fits and her nursing behavior — like everyone is looking at me going "geez, she needs to get it together." unfortunately, at this point, her behavior is the same at home and out.

[butterfly_mommy]

Yep sounds like a normal 13 mon old to me! They can be so draining at that age. I did find myself unfortunately yelling at DS a few times I also had tot call DH home from work a few times because I was afraid of losing it. DS was exactly as you described at 13 mons and he is now 2.5 years old and is incredible independent. Went off to play at the Ikea playroom without me for 45 mons, is starting to go to bed by himself, happy to go off and explore at the park etc. Yes he still has his moments and patience is something we work on almost daily as well as nursing manners but it is so much better now.

Also I found that I was getting drained and when I start to feel on edge and distant from DS I knew that it meant I was burnt out and I needed to focus on my own self care. Making sure that I get time away from DS at least a few hours during the week and handing off some of the baby care stuff over to DH really helped/helps. I also had to remind myself that even though DS preference may be for me to do everything for him his father loves him and he loves his father and they will figure it out. Now DH does the whole getting ready for bed routine, I come in and give him nursies when he is ready. Also DH takes DS every Sun morning to visit his parents.