un-distractable

[MomFromAway]

I have always thought of my anxious 5yo as stubborn, but I'm starting to wonder if the stubborness is related to anxiety or something else. Sometimes when he gets an idea in his head of something he wants that I say no to, he will get upset (not just whining or crying, but truly upset), and I frequently wind up giving in because I cannot get him distracted with something else. (And it usually goes on so long that I have to get on with whatever I was doing.)

Yesterday he got a new toy. Today he said he didn't want it anymore and he wants to go get a new one. After about 1/2 hour of trying to distract him with other activities and lots of tears and me needing to get back to work, I finally said ok as long as 1) he uses his own money, 2) he understands that this is the last new toy he gets until he gets to 10 counts of wiping his own bottom which is what we're currently working on. He immediately switched to happy mode and heartily agreed to both. We'll see how it works tomorrow, I suppose.

I never know what to do. On one hand, I don't want him to think if he keeps it up long enough I will give in. On the other hand, I don't want to be insensitive when there is a real emotional problem (and I think there is).

Where do you draw the line?

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

Oh, this is such a hard line to draw. My son has an issue with being very rigid. There are certain things I'll give on, but others I will not. I do think being wishy washy about things will just make it harder on both of you. I try to think really hard on what battle I need to have and what battle I don't. And I think compromising is great. But saying no and then saying yes(and trust me, I've done it) can just cause greater stress.

As an example of what sort of thing I'll go with:
I really think ds needs to where a jacket, because it's cold out. Ds absolutely refuses to wear the jacket. Instead of fighting with everyone in tears and ds getting more and more upset. I say fine. I'll bring the jacket and if you get cold you can wear it.

An example of what I won't go with which happened lately:
I'm already making dinner and ds decides he wants me to make something else. He rages and screams and carries on. He is given the option of eating what I make or making himself a sandwich. I refuse to make another meal when I am already running around making lunches for tomorrow, helping with homework, getting dinner ready, etc.

He will cry and carry on, but I've realized that I can be kind to him, acknowledge his feelings, give him sympathy that he's feeling so frustrated, while still staying firm. It's not easy. I went to counciling to figure out how to deal with it, because it would drive me absolutely nuts at times. I'd get upset and angry and all worked up myself.

So now, I acknowlegde the feelings, and ignore the behavior unless it is dangerous or seriously disrupting to the family (for example, the other boys are doing their homework and he's distracting them. Then he goes to his room until he can calm down or at least be quiet about his frustration.) One thing I learned was that trying to discuss the situation with him during a meltdown was a total waste of time. He is not in a place where he can hear reason at all. Trying to force him to see reason at that moment just made things worse.

[riverview9]

i give in early if i'm going to give in at all. i save my battles for the big things. it may look to the outside world that my kids are always walking all over me. for the important issues like safety and nutrition we don't have battles, i put my foot down and have never and never will budge on it.

on the toy issue. my son wakes up one morning and says he needs more tractor toys. i give him a logical option that if he bags up all his old toys and lets me put them in the basement to sell in a yard sale we will buy him another tractor that weekend. i like the idea of using his own money

[Emmeline II]

My ds is like this as well. I've pretty well trained myself to say "maybe" a lot, so I'm not saying no then wanting to reverse myself later. I suggest trying to think ahead to what you what alternative you might "give in to" later.

Ds will also refuse to participate in things he feel forced to. The other day he would not participate in gym; today he chose to participate.

Ds refused to even consider working to earn money for an expensive toy until after he started meds for ADHD.

I don't normally take ds on errands. If I do and he has a long tantrum I leave, if I can't leave right away I contain him as best I can until I leave. When it happened at the library summer program, twice I sat him on my lap and "hugged" him until it was over, once I had to carry him to the car kicking and screaming. He is seeing a psychiatrist and a CBT and this is one of the issues we will be addressing.

[hadleys_mom]

This sounds exactly like my 6 year old DD! What is your DS diagnosis?

[MomFromAway]

His diagnosis was anxiety NOS.

We definitely pick our battles! Discouraging "retail therapy" is an important one to me The tricky part is that he is inconsistent with this behavior, so sometimes I say no to something and distract him with something else and all is ok. It seems to be tied to some thoughts or feelings he has dealt with that day.

Next time I will try "maybe" to buy myself some time to assess the situation. I didn't think of that.

Thanks for all the responses!

[hadleys_mom]

For DD, it seems like she gets excited about the idea of something (like planning a party, taking a class or getting a new toy) and in the beginning she talks/obsesses non-stop about this thing but then she realizes that the thing isn't going to happen right now and she can't handle the disappointment. Both the "high" of thinking about the new thing and the "crash" from not being able to do it right now result in undistracted thoughts. She seems pained that she can't stop thinking about the thing and ultimately a major melt down occurs. Thanks for posting, its nice to know (sadly) that someone else may be going through a similar thing. DD has SPD and I think this could be linked to self regulation.

[MomFromAway]

Yes, hadley's_mom, that's it: that thought/emotion that gets a chokehold on him! I think my son has sensory issues too, though they were not diagnosed. I too am relieved (and sympathetic) that someone else knows what I'm talking about. No one else seems to grasp how exhausting it is to deal with this.

FWIW, he got upset again today and reverted right back to wanting a new toy, despite our agreement yesterday. He was a mess but his dad eventually snapped him out of it.